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Mental Fortitude

August 20, 2018

Recently I was questioned by a dear friend as to why it appears as though I have discontinued my blogging.  My response – mental fortitude.  Shall we take a moment and look at the definition of that phrase?

mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously: Never once did her fortitude waver during that long illness.

So, um, yeah, that is what has been going on with me.  I like the part of that definition that adds the word courageously.  That is what I have been asking of myself as of late – to have courage.  It is through courage that one will eventually find confidence.  That is what I am truly seeking, confidence.  When faced with something brand new, typically most of us humans will not have confidence and we will need to rely upon courage.

What will it take to muster up that courage?  Mental and emotional strength.  While I truly do love blogging, and have every intention of continuing to do so, for now, I am using up just about all of the mental and emotional strength that I have.

Those who are not Facebook followers of mine, you may be a bit lost as to what is taking such strength and courage.  To fill you in on all of the juicy details – I have decided that this is the year that I am transitioning.  Such a surprise, mostly to myself, for I have been wavering on this decision for quite some time.  Last school year when others asked if I was transitioning, I scoffed, and laughed.  And my answer was a definitive NO.  Hahahahahahahahahaha!  Well, shocker, that apparently is exactly what I am doing!

I am thrilled that I am able to follow this path, but it is not necessarily out of design that I find myself where I am.  In many ways, it is due to outside circumstances.  Well, kinda, maybe, sort of, I guess!  Wow, how definitive!  Changing my hormones was possibly the best decision I have ever made, and I feel foolish for taking so long to take that leap.  But it is what it is and it happened when it was supposed to.  The thing about that choice though was that in order to have my insurance pay for it, I agreed to legally change my gender marker.  Inevitable is the word that I often think about with that agreement.  I was going to do it sooner or later, I suppose, but it was never what I had set out to do.  I have never been one who has known for their entire life that they are actually female.  Nope, that was not me.  I just thought I was a weirdo! 

However, that is still not where the strength and courage has been needed.  That has been with my littles.  You may recall that I am a middle school teacher.  Currently I teach 7th and 8th math, MESA, and a 3D math/art class. What that translates to is a total student load of about 150.  There are also about 350 other little lovelies that attend my school and I interact with many of them while on yard duty or just walking the campus. 

I have now completed seven days of working directly with the students and it has been going fabulously!  Amazing actually.  Quite shocking and lovingly surprising!   So…. then, what about this whole mental fortitude thing?  If everything has indeed been just as lovely as I have indicated, then why all of the mental strength and courage? 

Well….. how about this — Since I understood that I am a bit different than your typical human, I have innately understood that it would be dangerous to ever let anybody in on my little secret.  Now what am I doing?  Openly, blatantly, and without a doubt, showing everyone just what exactly that terrifying secret has been.  Furthermore, while doing that very thing, I have large expectations for myself. 

What expectations you may ask?  Well for one, I expect myself to be thrilled at what I am choosing to do, because no one is forcing me to transition.  Second, I expect myself to be better at my job than before.  Third, I want to be able to handle any bumps or difficulties in the road with style and grace.  Lastly, I expect myself to have a smile on my face.  Too much?  Maybe.  Possibly.  How about if I frame them as goals instead of expectations?  Is that a bit more palatable?  Regardless, these are things I am wanting from myself.

If you have not personally transitioned, then maybe you are at a loss as to the immense mental strength and courage it takes to do such a thing.  Trust me, even though I am thrilled, it is still very hard; it’s not a just a fabulous party where I am stylishly dressed!  Now on top of that, let’s add a job that most humans or other teachers don’t ever want to do – teaching middle school students.  Can you imagine just attempting to be in charge of thirty or so twelve to fourteen year olds?  Now add in teaching standards, state testing, district expectations, parent expectations, making sure they are fed, clothed, and properly supplied, etc!  There really is too much to list actually.  Wanna come help??   

So, uh, yeah, mental fortitude.  I think I covered that fairly well.  As a result of that effort, I am frequently super duper drained by the end of the day.  Oh, shall we also add in that yes I am still caring for my wife who had foot surgery about 6 weeks ago?  True, I don’t need to do much for her personally, however, it does mean that I am now solely in charge of all of the duties of our household.  Vacuuming, laundry, dishes, shopping, recycling, cats, dogs, bathrooms, garbage, weeding, lawn care, picking up dog waste, yard upkeep, etc., etc.!  Normally I am in charge of the outside house duties and she is in charge of the inside house duties.  Well being as she can’t put any weight at all on her foot, that means that all duties fall onto my shoulders.  Do you know what I am interested in getting?  A maid and a yard human!  Yup, that would sure come in handy. 

Personally I am amazed that I found the time to even write this little lovely post.  It has actually taken me about three or four days to do so though.  No matter how much I list here, inevitably there are dozens of little duties that I have that will have failed to make that list.  Can we just leave it at, I’m pretty darn overloaded?  I think that shall suffice, for me at least! 

This has translated to me cutting out things that are not essential.  In many ways I am retracting my sticky tentacles and focusing on me, my wife, our household, and my job.  In time things will loosen up and I will find the ability to resume a less stuffed to the gills existence.  For now, it is what it is. 

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love your life!  And if you don’t, change something and work your ass off to earn it!

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  • Reply Charlene Peterson August 25, 2018 at 10:57 am

    Thanks for the update. You are to be commended for balancing a multitude of challenges all at once.
    I’bet you will look back on this time and say to to yourself“Wow Kelly you did it”.
    Blog again when you can. You are an inspiration to us all. Good luck with the school year and Jueld hope you get well soon
    Charlene

  • Reply Anonymous August 25, 2018 at 10:57 am

    Good article. I'm experiencing some of these issues as well..

  • Reply Leann Lapine August 25, 2018 at 10:57 am

    Good luck. I look forward to hearing how your life has changed. I hope your wife recovers quickly if for no other reason, you have the energy to blog a bit more. BTW, you look lovely.

  • Reply Marcia Hamilton August 25, 2018 at 10:57 am

    Good for you! Way to go!I flipped the switch on July 23. Love being me and from I can tell you love being you! How wonderful!

  • Reply Pat Scales August 25, 2018 at 10:57 am

    It is always good to see a new post from you. It does not need to be a masterpiece or a deeply detailed self analysis. Some of your posts can just recount a simple moment in your life, an outing or shopping trip. I like that you have a range to your posts and do not stay stuck on any given point. One positive aspect of your blog is like Forrest Gump said "Life is like a box of chocolates." You never know what is in the piece until you take a bite. Keep taking those bites…big and small.

  • Reply Tanit Richards August 25, 2018 at 10:57 am

    As I don't do Facebook, yes, I was sort of wondering if you were still alive… 🙂 I am happy that things are going well for you and I hope that they continue to do so. More power to you! Hugs, Tanit

  • Reply Nadine Spirit August 25, 2018 at 11:03 am

    Hi Tanit –

    Hope you are well. Yeah, with FB, I am also pretty darn picky about who is on my friends list. It seems as though almost daily I am unfriending at least one person! So it can be tricky to navigate and thus I don't blame you for not participating there!

  • Reply Nadine Spirit August 25, 2018 at 11:05 am

    Hiya Pat!

    It is always good to hear from you. I frequently think about what you have mentioned, writing smaller posts that can be published more frequently. Unfortunately that is all I have done thought about it! Ha!

    Thanks for the compliments on my blog!

  • Reply Nadine Spirit August 25, 2018 at 11:07 am

    Good for you too Marcia! My life has been much improved since I began going down this path. Scary, terrifying to my brain at times, but oh so much more enjoyable. I do love being me and I wish you my best on your journey!

  • Reply Nadine Spirit August 25, 2018 at 11:08 am

    Thanks Leann! I too hope my wife recovers quickly. She did just find out the other day that she has another month using her knee scooter. So…. still lots of work for me!

  • Reply Nadine Spirit August 25, 2018 at 11:08 am

    I never know if these types of comments are spam or not! Funny!

  • Reply Nadine Spirit August 25, 2018 at 11:09 am

    Thank you Charlene! I appreciate the good thoughts!

  • Reply Anonymous August 26, 2018 at 3:53 am

    Ꮋey tһere! I've been reading your webb site for a while now
    and finally got the courage to go ahrad and give you a shout out from Dallas Tx!
    Јust wanted to say keep up thе grеat јob!

  • Reply Nadine Spirit August 27, 2018 at 1:14 am

    Well thank you for the shout out! Yay for you that you wound up the courage to say hi. I appreciate the effort.

  • Reply Anonymous August 27, 2018 at 4:47 pm

    When I originally commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four e-mails with
    the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me
    from that service? Thanks a lot!

  • Reply Nadine Spirit August 27, 2018 at 4:49 pm

    Hiya – yeah, sorry I have no idea how to control that. It is not something that I can view on my end, I think it is a Google thing, or a Blogger thing. If I could I would, but I can't, so sorry.

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