Today is the day after I turned 55, which means that it is the first day I am officially able to retire. So what did I do? I freaking retired, of course! It was so totally not the way I expected things to go with my retirement. Imagine that, I actually wanted to continue teaching middle school math. Can you imagine? I wanted to do it? I actually liked doing it?
Yeah I know weird, I did like teaching. And if I felt as though I could still do it safely, then I would. But in this day and age, teaching while trans is a scary proposition. In many ways it is just a ticking wind-up clock slowly giving away its ticks and tocks ever winding down to the inevitable end. Maybe you’ll be able to wind it up again. Maybe you’ll find that strength. Maybe. I always thought I would find the strength.
And I did for many a year. But then, the weight of what I was being asked to carry was too much. When faced with that reality, I knew I had to leave. It was just what had to happen. It had to. It really did.
It was terrifying and thrilling to walk out that door. In many ways I still can’t grasp the reality of what I have done. I’ve not taught since sometime in April of this year, and yet it still feels like it was yesterday. The thing about carrying some of those weights that we volunteer for, sometimes they leave marks, sometimes the cause damage. I am still working through much of that damage, truth be told. I feel so much better, but better is not solved.
Now I hate how that sounds, like I’m some sort of Rubik’s Cube that has a solution, which I’m not, and there is no solution, but there can hopefully be some resolution to this PTSD I am still lugging around with me. It’s sloughing off, but there are many layers.
There will be a reason for this shift. My future is in front of me, not behind.
Love you.
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