One of the arguments that I have heard from many different gender variant individuals about why they should not tell their spouses is because they don’t know what to tell them what they are, like TG or a CD or where they will be in ten years. If this sounds similar in nature to another post I recently put up, it is because it is. In that post spoke at length about not knowing where I will be in ten years in regards to my transition.
That is not what this post is about. This post is really about the idea of marriage. When committing yourself to a marriage, are you doing so to the person that is in front of you right then? With the expectation that they will always remain that person? Like if that person enjoys vanilla ice cream when you marry them, does that mean they will have to enjoy vanilla ice cream forever? And that if they suddenly switch to enjoying chocolate ice cream that your world will begin to fall apart?
Well no, probably not. I mean does anyone really have all that much invested into the flavor of ice cream that their spouse chooses to eat? I think not! Well maybe, but I hope not. Ice cream is not serious. But there are a million little issues that could be more serious within a marriage that could change over a lifetime. What about a job? Or where one wants to live? Or how about having children? Or the number of children? What about one’s health?
That last one is a doozy. We humans tend to have a nasty chance of having bad shit happen to our health. What about if one day your spouse is fine, and the next you have to feed them because of a massive stroke? Yeah, shit sure does happen. The point really is, things happen over a lifetime. Nobody and nothing stays the same for long. So what is it when we marry someone? It can’t be this expectation that when one marries they are marrying that person and that person will always remain that exact same person. Okay, possibly some do have that expectation, but it is simply naive to believe that.
People change all of the time, some of the things are small and some are big. Admittedly I’m discussing this because I am transgender and people often ask my wife how she is with everything that I am doing. Being transgender is a pretty big thing. It can be a very life changing thing. It is not as simple as what flavor of ice cream one likes.
But then again, if I didn’t know that my wife’s favorite ice cream had changed from chocolate to vanilla, I’d be quite annoyed. I wouldn’t be annoyed because she changed her likes and dislikes, what would bug me is that she didn’t share it with me. I would want to know what her favorite ice cream is, because I like knowing about her. I like knowing her likes and dislikes and thinking that I know what those things are.
Which brings me back to my original thoughts, about some gender variant people not speaking with the ones they love about it. Relationships, marriage especially, grow through communication. If there is no talking, there is no relationship, at least in my mind. Yes telling your spouse that you are transgender is a pretty big deal and honestly I have no idea what that would feel like. Yes my spouse obviously knows that I am transgender, but it is not like I never said anything and then boom, came out to her one day, and now everything is perfect between us as we ride off on our white horse in our wedding dresses into the sunset! Ha!
My marriage to my wife has so far survived all of my attempts at understanding my gender variance because every single step of the way I have spoken to her about every last little tiny thing. Trust me, I have spoken to her so much that she has often asked me to stop. Not that she doesn’t like me, but that at times I can be more than a bit obsessive about communicating. It is that very communication though that has saved our marriage. We have grown together throughout this all.
When I have made an appointment seeking hormone therapy and she is not just supportive of that, she is wanting the time to go faster until I can actually get them, that is some serious growth! Maybe you don’t know, but at one time she was very clear, if I ever start hormones, she is out. Yup, she said that. Now what’s up? She wants me to take them. Again, not just supportive, but wanting it to happen. Why the change? Well there is a story behind that as well, but I am going to leave that for another day.
Today, this post, is really yet another plea for spouses to be open and honest with each other. For people in relationships to understand that in order to survive the test of time, being as my spouse and I have been together since 15 and we are now 45, you must work to grow together.
Grow with someone. It makes the garden so much prettier.
Love you!
Love yourself!!
Love growing together!
Photo Credits:
https://pixabay.com/en/bluebell-spring-new-growth-277700/
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Lives change and people evolve and, we must adapt to changes and twists and turns that life throws our way. On the gender issue for many of us it takes years, if not decades, for us to come to some sort of an understanding of ourselves and what percolates from the inside to the outside. Having someone love us and stick with us through all that life brings is a true blessing.
Pat
I do so agree Pat and Nadine. If a spouse develops a chronic illness, that is no reason for a marriage breakdown so why should dysphoria be different even if it had to be thought of as an illness – thank goodness it isn't. For sure it can take many of us years to accept it for ourselves but we are still the same person our wives married. Keep talking, jaw jaw works. Love Linda
Great post, hon. I know communication has always been the weak point in my marriage, and something we're struggling with right now. I need to take a page from your book and find ways the pull the thoughts out of my subconscious and have more of those conversations.
It really is Pat. The love I feel inside of me for my wife for sticking by me is tremendous! Thanks!
Thanks Sally. I know it can be hard, but I really believe it is for the best. It takes courage, but it can be done. Good luck!
I agree Linda, thanks!
My wife and my therapist also coached open communication. Unfortunately this is something my wife (soon to be ex) could not handle. I told her about some of my gender inclinations before we married, over 20 years ago; she rejected it out of hand and I, assuming that this time I could really purge it all once and for all, tried to do just that. And we all know how well that worked.
The really crappy thing is how much we still care for each other. But she said I've been deceitful and I'm torn. On the one hand she's right. But until more recently, after I really studied and investigated myself, did I understand that I am transgender.
I fully agree that we cannot predict how we as marriage partners will evolve. I assumed that, although troubling, that she would learn to accept and appreciate that I'm finally coming to terms with the shame and depression I've suffered for my whole life. But that wasn't to be. She's miserable and scared now, living alone, and while we talk once or twice a week on the phone, I'm off and living my life, and seriously contemplating transitioning. It all sucks for both of us and it's neithers fault.
I truly feel for you Emma. That is rough. In my case, early on I came to the conclusion that I couldn't not tell the person interested in me about my "issues" because I truly did not want to hurt them later on nor could I tell them the truth due to my fear that it would get around to others to eventually harm me. A Catch-22 if ever there was one. My solution for most of my life has been to remain alone. It's hard sometimes but at least I hurt no one else and that is what matters to me.
Hugs,
Tanit
Thanks for sharing your story. I am SO sorry that things have not worked out well for you and your previous wife. It is so sad to hear when things do not go well.
The tricky part of growing together through communication is that all people in the relationship need to buy into it and participate. With my wife and I, I am such a stubborn human that my persistence is relentless. It is only though this dogged determination that my wife and I have survived.
I a happy for you, that you appear to be moving in a positive direction! It is hard, but worth it!
Take care Emma!
Tanit-
I feel bad for you. You are such a kind caring human, but you are so afraid of risk. Within risk there is a chance of things going poorly, but there is also the chance of things going well. If one is not willing to risk lose, then one will never realize gains.
Best of luck to you!
Nadine, I haven't always worried about everything. 😉 It's only really been on the final stretch to retirement that I realized that I couldn't put my future well-being at risk for fear of losing my job because in the end, I knew that there would only be me to support myself and grow old with. I just can't cause another person anguish over me ever again…
Life has been grinding on me a bit lately and I'm thinking that I would like to see that person that you mentioned to me a while back. I'm waiting for my new vehicle to arrive (yay!) so we'll see after then. Take care.
Hugs,
Tanit