The first picture was 3 months of estrogen, the second is 4 years and 3 months of estrogen. I really like estrogen, hehe!
A good friend recently remarked that the closer I am getting to my surgery date, the worse things seem to be for me. For many who have known me for a long time it may very well appear that way though in reality a few different things are going on.
First off, I am willing to be more honest with myself about things like my suicide ideation, and thus I am willing to be more honest with all of you with those things as well. BTW, my suicide thoughts were much worse in my teens and twenties though I never actually told anyone.
Secondly, it has become very apparent to me that transition is not one single event, but a process and I am in the middle of that process.
Third, I have given up a couple of big crutches, smoking and anger. Well, I do the best I can with the anger bit, but the smoking thing I am on day 275. Sure for many years I could ignore my needs and I didn’t appear crazy, but I did smoke like a chimney and I was one angry little monkey. Do I get upset these days? Sure, but it’s way different than it was. Smoking actually made things worse for my anger, oh and yeah, trying to run away and hide from how devastatingly my genital dysphoria has been mentally affecting me for like oh, my entire life, that in turn made me super angry at like just about everything. So now, am I still angry? Do I still want to smoke? Oh yeah, hell yeah, fuck yeah, but now I can recognize where those feelings are coming from.
Fourth, in order to actually rid myself of the root cause of much of my gender issues, I need to rid myself of a bunch of hair down there, wait until the dr can actually fit me onto their schedules, oh and figure out how to afford the surgery at all. For me this process began about two months before the first COVID lockdown occured, back in Jan of 2020. It was not until November of 2020 that I figured out how to afford it because I was able to shift more of my debt onto my house, yay, I suppose. My hair removal is going lovely, but that also is about a two year process. Point being that this stuff takes time, and it is a grind getting it done. I’m tired. I’d like for my transition to be over soon. But I’ve got many months to wait, about 8 and half, then I’ve got about a year of recovery. So, um, yeah, I’d like to be done.
Okay, so there ya go!
Love ya!
Oh btw, I think I figured out my super power……. it has something to do with endurance or determination or persistence or some such thing…
Okay, love ya!
3 Comments
Kelly, thank you for your latest post. The photos speak volumes but so do your words. I take great heart from them, no matter how difficult the journey can be.
Martha x
On listening to other folk who’ve transitioned – or who are – they say similar things about the long road or a series of steps. Whichever metaphor works for you. I nearly said floats your boat, but that would be a bit circular. 🙂
Good luck with the long haul.
I kinda wonder if some of us are just not wired to perceive happiness the same as others. Life itself may be simply a test of endurance and persistence…or as George Will suggested recently, the pursuit of happiness is happiness.
Which brings me to a question. Once this milestone is attained and your body and mind finally conform, do you anticipate continuing your blog? I used to follow “Faith’s Adventures” by Faith DaBrooke. After her surgery was completed, she took what at first was billed as a hiatus. Now its gone on for a couple years and i’m wondering if she’ll ever be back. I hope you stick with us to share your views on life from the other side!