I was just reading someone’s opinion on a website about MtF transgender voice therapy and something struck me, how critical are you of gender “tells?” The specific thought someone posted was in saying that while they have heard many transgender women speak they are still aware that the person was born AMAB. I am not wanting specifics on where that opinion was posted as I am not wanting to trash that person, that is not the point.
What I am curious about is are you humans as critical of AFAB humans as you are about MtF transgender people, or more specifically yourself?
I ask as it is something that I struggle with all of the time. In regards to voice, no I truly do not think my voice is completely indistinguishable from that of an AFAB, however many AFAB humans disagree with me. I am beginning to think that this is due to my own super critical judgement of what qualifies as male or female in a variety of areas. Take arms for another example. I complained to my wife (AFAB) that my arms are too masculine because of their size. She rolled her eyes at me and pulled out the cloth measuring tape. She quickly proved her point when we found out her arms are bigger than mine. How about another….. I complained prior to electrolysis that shaving my face made me a male, my therapist (AFAB) came back with that she has PCOS and shaves her face daily. She gave me a look that asked ‘do you question my gender.’ To which the answer was a resounding no. How about something I super struggle with, not having hips. Again, with a bit of quick measuring, guess what, I have a bit of shape. Not hugely curvy like Kim K, but actually more curvy than many AFABs I work with daily.
For many, many, many years I suffered while I was unwilling to accept the simple truth, regardless that I was AMAB, I am female. Part of my suffering is that I place AFAB humans up onto an impossibly tall pedestal. I have turned them into an almost goddess like creature that has such strong magical properties that I could never, ever possibly even get close to appearing like them. Thus part of my transition has been in breaking down my own image of what I thought a woman was.
For the past few years I have been really trying to take an accurate appraisal of what constitutes the entirety of the female end of the spectrum. And it is way more vast than I was ever willing to see before. My image of AFABs came about from media’s inaccurate and unfair portrayal of women. You know that whole problem that women have been talking about for quite a long time now? What I thought was respect and reverence actually was demeaning and exclusionary. My own version of what makes up femininity excluded many AFABs from that category. Once I saw that I realized it I was obviously totally and completely wrong. The more I understood this, surprisingly to me, the more I could see my place within femininity as well. Which in the end was actually a HUGE part of what finally allowed me to transition.
I’m told all the time that I pass and yet I obsess about all of the “tells,” I think I have. My voice is not fem enough, my hands are too big, my hips are not wide enough for my shoulders, my boobs are not big enough, my hair is not full enough, my body is too muscular, my Adam’s Apple is too big, my face is not pretty enough. Blah, blah, blah, I could go on all day. I understand it is not just any one of these things that make me doubt myself but the entirety of it taken together. But, and this is a huge BUT, none of it excludes me of the reality that I was born female, just in the exact same way that it does not exclude anyone else either, regardless of physical features. I do pass, in person and on the phone. I have not been misgendered from a stranger in more than about two years. That’s passing. Me obsessing about my “tells” does nothing but hurt myself and women in general, and I no longer want to be a part of any of that. Which is helping me to remove femininity from that high pedestal and find my own place within it.
So, how about you? Are you just as critical of every AFAB as you are of MtF trans people?
18 Comments
Hi
I think we will always compare ourselves with cis gender women, it was in my mind last night chatting to Rose a care worker and realising her upper arms are much broader than mine. Unfortunately the images we see are only a very small selection of the actual range of women’s shapes. My niece has size 11 feet when mine are size 9! So most women have similiar body image issues.
Best regards
Philippa
I completely agree Philippa.
There was a time when I was gauging my worth, as a feminine being, by comparing myself to others. The big question I struggled with for myself was: Do I want to be seen as the prettiest in the room (regardless of gender assignment), or would I be happier being plain-looking, but with decidedly feminine physical features? At that time, I was confining my feminine expression to cross dressing, so the latter would have made things more difficult while in “male mode.” Then, again, I may have abandoned the male charade many years earlier had I even only appeared to be androgynous when I looked in the mirror each morning.
The proverbial “Gilligan’s Island” question, “Ginger or Mary Ann?” comes to mind. Not that Mary Ann was plain, but she was just as feminine as Ginger. For me, a transgender woman, the question is not directed toward the one I want, but more toward the one I’d rather be. OK, maybe I waited so long to decide that the best I can hope for now is to be Mrs. Howell, although that beats being the Skipper in drag. But I’m not stranded on an island anymore, so I have had to just accept myself as the feminine being I am; just one unique individual among billions.
Thanks for writing. I really like that last line you wrote. Very nicely said.
Connie, you wrote regarding Ginger or Mary Ann, “For me, a transgender woman, the question is not directed toward the one I want, but more toward the one I’d rather be.”
These days I think it’s as if we are own girlhood puberty, exploring identities while gradually converging on being ourselves, whatever that is. For me, as a Berkeley, San Francisco, and now Seattle girl, who grew up in the 60s, I’m comfortable in skinny jeans, Birkenstocks, and a top.
I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m bragging, but it is a fun story of mine:
About ten years ago I took a fingerstyle guitar workshop where I met Roy Book Binder, a delightful man and wonderful old-timey fingerstyle/vocalist/composer. He was outside smoking a cigarette; I went out to spend a minute with him in private. I complained that it seemed like no matter how I tried I didn’t sound like Jorma Kaukonen’s song “Embryonic Journey.” In between puffs he said, “We start off trying to be like our heroes and, eventually, come into our own style and sound. Keep working on it, allow it to happen.”
So, Connie, rock your Mrs. Howell! Be fun, joyful, and most of all, just be yourself. For me, I’d like to emulate Meryl Streep’s Julia Child in the movie “Julie and Julia.”
In honesty, no, I try not to be. The images in adverts or the media seem a narrow spectrum of what is considered feminine. Yet, the people I see everyday rarely fit that minority niche. To be reminded that we’re not “right” or “ideal”, is it very draining, swimming through that each day? As an occasional visitor to the world, I try not to judge others or me. If anything, it just reminds me how far away i am, but also, why do I – or any of us – need to conform? 🤔
Hi Lynn, thanks for writing. I don’t think any of us needs to conform. I do think because of evolution and such we want to conform, to be part of the group, to not be shunned. Which I think is what the initial motivations are, well I know for me they were. I think it is draining considering these thoughts everyday, which is why I am working hard with several professionals, friends, and family to change my mindset about myself and women in general.
I’ve had a lot of voice coaching but, as you said, my voice (to me) is not nearly as naturally feminine as I’d like although my friends (cis women) insist that it’s just fine. I am also lucky that for the most part (really) i’m gendered as female everywhere I go.
But, I’ve recently come to the understanding that no matter what I’ll never be a cis woman. I’m not going to argue whether or not I, as an AMAB trans woman is just like a cis woman, inside. I’ll never know that either. But neither will anyone else.
Even if I’m seen and treated like a cis woman I am and always will be an AMAB trans woman. I’m holding my head high, standing proud, even as I have my internal dialogues and critiques.
Hi Emma, thanks! Great thoughts! I love that you are holding your head high, that is exactly how I try and face each and every day. My personal internal voices come from years of not seeing me when I look at myself. It is something I am working hard on changing. I am not that person, nor every was. I too understand I want to be cis, but I never will be. However that does not mean that I don’t know what it feels like to be cis, I do, we do. What I don’t know about are things like what it is to have a cis-woman’s body. But that is okay as not all bodies are the same, even if we are internally.
Hi Kelly, thanks for your reply! If you’re ever in Seattle… 🙂
Thank you! As a woman and feminist, I appreciate that.
Awww….. thanks!
Yes I am. If anything I am less critical of transgender woman. But, in the in it’s what inside of the person that counts. And a smile doesn’t go amiss.
As for myself I have used a cognitive behavioral approach using the technique of reframing, which turn an oh my gosh how is anyone going t o see me as a woman. Early on I had the what I called the “why can’t a be pretty like her syndrome.” These were mostly young woman that would bring this on. I had to realize that I didn’t have to be young and pretty like them, but only be a nice looking mature woman (60 at the time, now 61). I still felt I needed to pass, and also fuss and cluck about my makeup and clothes like any other woman. Not long ago I went through another reframing that I did not have to make myself pass. I just needed to be the best looking me. And guess what? I actually now feel like I am passing at least by my looks, albeit with some help of cross hormone treatment. I have not been misgendered in person for months now. My voice can give me away, but I am learning to say so what, and politely correct anyone who does misgender me like I did before based on my looks. Okay I did another reframe. I was not going through voice feminization training to pass, I was doing to be comfortable with the sound of my own voice, which if I am aware of it is pretty dysphoric. I have one other plus in my dealings with others. I am proud to be a transgender woman. Not that I go about sharing this if there is no reason to, so I mostly go about living my life as a woman.
I like your perspective, thanks! I love this idea of reframing things. I have totally done that about many, many, MANY things, lol!
I am as prone to judging myself and the women I have compared myself against a standard that relatively few women attain. Whether its voice, hands, hips, height, shoulders, boobs, hair, muscular, Adam’s Apple or simply not pretty enough. And yet when I venture into the real world, I find that I am surrounded and fall within the normal distribution of women in terms of all those attributes.
Acknowledging that fact has made it easier for me to go out and comfortably blend in among other women. And though I still have a hard time accepting it, I can occasionally do pass. Although passing isn’t and shouldn’t be the goal, I still am thrilled that its possible.
Come on, pursue the life you want.
Kelly, I think we are all our worst critic for sure. We see all of our own flaws.
I wanted to say that I watched your video presentation on another blog post. I thought your voice sounded very feminine and was congruent with your visual presentation as the woman you are. It was a very informative video and thank you for posting it.
Awwwwwww, thanks Christina!