Monday, November 20, 2017

My Outfit - Super Comfy Leggings!

Top - Max Studio - Similar
Leggings - ?? - Similar
Boots - Nine West - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

It is really too bad that I can't remember who made these leggings, for they are wondrous!  I really like them!  They were a purchase that I made this past summer when I went on the Alaska cruise.  We pulled into some port, which I can't remember either!  Possibly because they sell recreational MJ there, so that could have a bit to do with my memory lapses!  Ha! 

Anywho....  while we were there shopping around I purchased two things that I wore throughout much of the cruise.  One of which are these super awesomely warm leggings, and another is a cowl neck hoodie.  They were both more than I would normally pay for clothing items as they were actually retail prices!  Yikes!  But the thing is, they are both great pieces of clothing!

That is how I think I really should shop.  Purchase some things occasionally, that are of nicer quality.  Then they actually look good, and will last for more than a season.  Hmm.... sounds good, I wonder if I can keep my binge shopping urges in check?  Maybe. 

Though I will say that as of late, my urges to purchase mad amounts of clothing has certainly lessened.  I really should get around to updating you all on my hormone therapy progress.  One of these days, maybe!  Ha! Again!

Oh I did want to mention that when I purchased these on the cruise, I totally wanted to wear them, but was super paranoid about wearing leggings while in guy mode.  Do I even possess such I thing anymore?  Guy mode?  Hmm.... maybe.  Well okay, I think that regardless of what I wear, unless I take the time to wear makeup and I wig, I am perceived by the general public as a male.  So I suppose that would be my guy mode huh?  Anywho..... I was paranoid about wearing these leggings, but I totally went for it!  And they are so super comfy!  Loved it!  And obviously no one said a word to me about it.  And I even had family on board this ship with us!  And what happened because of it, um.... I was super comfy!  And happy with myself for pushing my own boundaries. 


On the day that I took these photos, I wore this outfit to go see my therapist, who is frickin awesome, btw.  I don't know I mentioned it or not, but I really like my therapist.  I also really liked this outfit.  I have not worn this top with leggings, but it totally worked.  At least I thought it did!

Okay, gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love warm yummy comfy leggings!  Yay!



Sunday, November 12, 2017

My Outfit - Making It Work

Tank - Guess - Similar
Skirt - H & M - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Booties - Madden Girl - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

This top has been hanging in my closest for quite some time.  I think it has remained there, despite not wearing it very often, because I really like the color.  Well that and it shows off my boobs quite nicely.  But when I put it on this past Saturday, low and behold, it decided to morph into a top that barely even covered my boobs!  Yikes! 


That was certainly not the look that I would ever go for!  I mean seriously, it is not like it didn't fit a little bit, it didn't fit a lot!  It was so bad, that I wondered why I even purchased it!  This particular top is purchased by your breast size.  When I first purchased it, it was fine, then within a short bit, it was stretched, but I could make it work by using some double sided tape.  But seriously, this past weekend, no amount of tape would ever work! 


Instead, I obviously wore a tank underneath.  I thought that possibly it looked a bit ridiculous, but according to Jules it worked!  I still like the color and as well, with the black tank peeping out, it worked with the black of the skirt and leggings. 


Oh I don't know if you can really see my booties or not, but I love them!  I got them about a month ago as sympathy shoes.  Yup, sympathy shoes.  I was sick, and my sinuses hurt, and my stomach was in super pain due to a bad reaction to some antibiotics.  So on the way home from therapy, I rewarded myself for dealing so well, with a new pair of shoes!  Yay!  Yummy!  Shoes!!

Love you!

Love shoes!!


Monday, November 6, 2017

Numb


My therapist called it numb on her Facebook post, and it really made me think, yeah that is what I am these days towards mass murder, numb.  It is so super sad.  I haven't really known how numb I have become to these horrid crimes until this past visit to Las Vegas.  I know I have written quite a bit about my two to three day trip to Las Vegas.  Apparently it was a moving event for me.  Somethings I expected, other's I did not. 

What I did not expect was the dawning realization of what a turd I was towards people that I consider to be good friends, Vivian and Edward.  I have written about them quite often here.  They were some of the first ones that I ever came out to.  They were definitely the first ones to see me dressed as a woman, other than my wife, and the thousands of strangers who have seen me.  They were for sure the first friends and one of them was the first coworker.

And yet, when the mass shooting happened in Vegas, did I call?  Did I text?  Did I have a moments thought about whether or not my good friends were okay?  Not really.  Oh sure, I can put it off as, I know Edward does not like country music, I knew that Vivian had ripped off most of her toenail and was receiving or at least in need of medical assistance, I knew that Edward was also not in Vegas, or at least I thought he wasn't there.

But still, those are all just such bullshit excuses for not reaching out and connecting with people that I care about.  And for that, I am so sorry.  I don't know how often they read my blog these days, but if you two are still reading occasionally, know that ever since it occurred to me, I have felt like a SUPER SCHMUCK!

And today was the day, while reading my therapist's post about feeling numb towards mass murders, that I realized, holy shit!  That is exactly where I am.  I am totally numb to mass killings.  Wow, that is so sick!  I mean even this past weekend's horrors, I was just like, hmm.... well.... yup.... that'll happen.  Wow, that is so fucked! 

I suppose on many levels, it is a natural reaction, as there is not much any of us can do about those situations.  Some people are just messed in the head and for some who-the-hell-knows-why reason, they feel the need to go out in a blaze of horror taking as many innocents with them as they can.  It is truly sick and twisted, but seriously, what can we do?

I know the least that I could have done is to call my friends and let them know that I was thinking of them.  Not cool that I didn't.  So not cool.  I'm pretty bummed with myself for becoming that desensitized to such horrors of the world.  True I cannot stop them, but I can at least reach out and offer comfort to those who have been placed into such shocking events. 

Love you Vivian and Edward. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/sweet_vengeance/3885482136

Monday, October 30, 2017

An Outfit for Comfort

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Shoes - Saucony - Similar

This outfit was what I chose to wear while driving home from Vegas last month.  I knew that I wanted to be comfortable for the drive and thus I wanted to wear some of my favorite things, but still be super comfortable.  I had considered wearing my favorite pair of booties with this look, which seriously would have been lots more fashionable than the pink tennis shoes, but they are just not very comfortable to drive in.  I like them, but the heel is a bit tall and kind of puts my legs in a bit of a twist while driving. 

I was surprisingly emotional on my return trip from Vegas.  I super love being on the right hormones finally.  I really had know idea that I was on the wrong hormones for so long, but I guess it is better late than never to finally figure it out!!  Ha!  Good luck to all the rest of you who might be considering this path!  Seriously.  Good luck.  It is enjoyable, but if I had not been working on my mental state prior to embarking upon hormones this all would have seriously put my panties into a twist! 

Suffice to say for now, I was a bit emotional and needing some comfort on my return trip from Vegas.  This outfit provided exactly what I needed.  Yummy, happy, comfortable clothes.  Yay!  It is really amazing what the right clothes can do in the right situation. 

So um yeah, there ya go!

Love you!!!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

It's Not Estrogen, It's Me on Estrogen


It not estrogen, it’s me on estrogen, that’s what I would have said, if I could have one of those brains that actually thinks in real time.  For me though my thoughts often come hours, day, months, years, or even decades after the fact.  Things are constantly replayed within my mind, over and over, on endless loops, with me trying out different responses to see how they fit and pondering their implications.

Lately it seems as though more often than not, my most immediate responses are along the lines of “cool, whatever.”  Because seriously, for me, it is like, “whatever.”  Like, that particular thing that is going on is so inconsequential and irrelevant to my here and now, that it really doesn’t make one bit of difference to me personally.  Hmm…. wow, that sounds a bit harsh, no?  A little bit like I don’t really care all that much?  Hmm…. okay, well maybe that is not the best way to start off this particular post, but then again, maybe it is actually the best way to start off this post.

So…. maybe this may be a bit harsh sounding with that prelude… but let’s give it a go, shall we?  Okay so then….

I was hanging out with my good friends, Vivian and Edward, the same couple of the recent post about going out for a spa day, and the conversation was somewhat floating around me and estrogen.  

The comment from my friend that stuck with me, that I have been twirling around in my head, came from Vivian, and it was something along the lines of “I am disputing your so called reported effects of estrogen.”

I’m not quite sure if she knew how much those words stung.  People in my life often tend to see me as being so filled with confidence, that nothing that is ever said bothers me.  Of course, most don’t know about my deep seated paranoias.  I keep them fairly well disguised. So I think that part of me responded in my head with some smart ass remark along the lines of “well, goodie for you!!”  Or some such shit.

It’s good that I didn’t respond then actually, as now I have been able to pull my head out of my own self centered butt for a little bit and see, she was not actually talking about me in the least.  She was clearly talking about herself.  I am quite sure, she was well aware of that.  But me, nope I didn’t catch that at all.  All I caught, was, what?  What?  WHAT????

In my mind, I flipped out a little.  Okay, possibly more than a little.  Maybe quite a bit.

Okay, anywho….. Since then I have been able to see that for her, estrogen has apparently not been a friend.  It is a part of her that she seems to be quite annoyed with.  She does not appear to be any part transgender as she seems to be fine with being female, and has no desire to be anything but female.  But, and it is quite a but, she really does not appreciate how she sees estrogen as affecting her thoughts.  She likes a very orderly and rational existence and does not see estrogen as doing her any favors in those areas.  

So for her, estrogen is uncomfortable, and so of course she will dispute any reported positive benefits reported from anyone regarding estrogen.  

I get it.  I totally do.  

But for me, I doubt that people who are not transgender as being capable of really understanding the transgender experience.  When I attempt to explain to people what being on estrogen actually feels like for me, I wish they could see between the lines, between all of the evidence that I am reporting to them.

My wife actually explained it best, to Vivian and Edward actually.  They said something along the lines of “he seems be more this way or that way, which is different than I have ever seen him,”  I absolutely loved her response “no he is just willing to be himself now and to let you see it.”

Yup, that’s about it in a nutshell.  Estrogen is not some miracle drug.  Have problems in life?  Sorry estrogen is not going to fix them.  Are you an angry person?  Well, just because being on estrogen has made me a less angry person does not for one minute mean that you taking estrogen will make you any less angry.  In fact, if you are not meant to operate on estrogen, it could have the exact opposite effect on you actually.  

For me, it does not matter that I am on estrogen, it could literally be putting me on testosterone, if I was born a FTM transgender human, that would make me less angry.  For it is not being on estrogen itself that has done so much for me in the four short months of being on it, it is being on the right hormone that has done it for me.

I have been on this planet for a bit over 46 years now.  True, not the oldest and wisest among us, but neither am I the youngest and most naive.  I have experienced quite a bit.  Many times I have thought that I had a pretty good bead on things, that I really understood things on a deeper level.  Nothing I have experienced before this prepared me for the utter blatant reality of who I am.

I’m not going to say that I have actually been a woman my whole life.  But I can say for assurance, that my brain has expected to be operating on estrogen since I have been born.   It’s darn near impossible to express it to anyone who has not personally experienced it.    

I suppose it could be along the lines of some of those ancestry.com commercials.  You know the ones where people grew up thinking they were Italian, and did everything that traditional Italian families do, only to take the test and find out that they don’t have any Italian heritage in their DNA and are actually Armenian?  Or some such stuff.  Yeah, I could imagine that it might be like that.  

So yeah, dispute away.  For estrogen is not a miracle drug.  

But finally being on the right hormone is indeed a miraculous thing.  

Love you!!

Photo:
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7d/Estradiol2.png

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Little White Dress

Dress - White House Black Market - Similar
Shoes - Naturalizer - Similar

Why isn't that a thing?  I mean, a LBD - little black dress, is totally a thing.  Everybody knows about and talks about a little black dress, but I don't think I have ever heard the phrase, LWD - little white dress.  I personally think it should totally be a thing.  I mean, how cute is this dress?  Totes adorbs!  I really like it and think that white dresses should be just as classic and timeless as black dresses.  True, black dresses often are more universally flattering and fitting for a wide variety of occasions, but still, white could just as easily be the go to color.  Well, as long as you have the right white dress, right?

This is for sure the right white dress!  Of course it is from White House Black Market and I just adore how they make their clothes fit.  They often put seems, stitches, and zippers in just the right places to help hide the problems and accentuate the positive!  This dress has such a universally flattering cut to it with the black stripe cut across the waist in the perfect belt position.  It totally helps for the lower portion of the dress to flare out, giving a nice impression of hips.  As well, with having a zipper up the back it provides for a nice fit across the bust. 

I happened to wear this dress the last time Jules and I were in Vegas for our anniversary.  Jules loves sushi, so while staying at South Point Casino we decided to go downstairs for their super nice sushi place.  I was a bit freaked with wearing such a nice white dress to a place where I may easily drip some soy sauce on my super cute dress, but it all worked out fine and no accidents occurred!  We had a wonderful dinner and a fun night. 

Oh and yes we did go do a bit of gambling after our dinner.  No I did not win anything.  I play stupid games actually.  Especially for someone who knows there math as well as I do!  Ha!  I actually like roulette of all things.  I think the chance and idiocy of the game is fun.  It is especially fun when you have a large crowd playing with people willing to wager larger amounts.  Money comes and go in a blink of an eye.  I always say, I never intend to win, I am simply paying for the entertainment of it all.  If you don't find it fun, don't do it!

Okie dokie! 

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love the LWD!!!

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Penises to the Left and Vaginas to the Right


We were standing in the men's locker room when I began telling Edward that I get it, as a society, we want to separate the penises from the vaginas.  That is the only appropriate thing to do when penises want so desperately to get into vaginas.  At least that is the logic as it was explained to me when I was just a young kid - in order to keep the penises out of the vaginas, we need to have them exist in different rooms.

It all seemed fair enough, but at some point as a child I learned about gay people.  Then I became confused again about the locker and rest room situation.  Why do we need to separate penises and vaginas when it is not always vaginas that penises want to get into and it is not always penises that vaginas want to bump up against?

Nobody was able to give me a fair answer to this question.  Does it mean that we need to have at least four changing and potty rooms?  One for the penises, one for the vaginas, one for the gay penises, and one more for the gay vaginas.  That should cover it, shouldn't it?

Oh damn, we forgot all about the bisexual penises and vaginas.  Shit, what are we going to do about those bit owners?  Shit, shit, shit.  Now we are in a real f'd up situation.  Maybe we could ask them to indicate which gender they are preferring to have sex with right then and then match them up to one of the four existing rooms?

Okay, that is obviously ridiculous, right?  Well this is the conversation that I was having, standing in the penis room, with my friend, Edward this past weekend.  Neither one of our penises were showing by the way!  This past weekend Jules and I went to Vegas and we decided to have a spa day with our friends, another couple.  That day the four of us headed off to the spa.  Two women, one man, and me, (who is currently refraining from gendering myself!! Ha!!) 

A brief conversation ensued on the way to the spa between Edward and my wife.  "Which locker room is ________ (insert male name here) going to use today?"  I heard my wife respond "well he will use the men's room, I think, being as he is presenting mainly as a male today."  I overheard this tidbit of conversation about me and what I really wanted to shout was "I'm right here!"  But I didn't,  instead I responded, rather loudly, "Oh I will be using the penis room.  Because I get it, we need to group all of the penises together."

Thus it was that as we checked into the spa, and we were herded into our respective genital locations, that in my head, I heard someone distinctly saying "penises to the left and vaginas to the right."  Nobody actually did say those words, but I swear I almost did.  I almost said them as it just seems absurd to me that this is what it comes down to - what is between our legs will always determine which direction we will turn at the locker room.

This idea of separation based upon genitals really bugs me, to be honest with you.  It bugs me so much, and actually offends me quite deeply, that I did not particularly care to go to the spa and be herded off to all of the other penises.  Because people, am I a male?  I was wearing a bra.  With a spaghetti strap tank top.  With breast inserts in.  Sure I did not have my wig on.  Sure I did not have makeup on.  Sure I have a penis.  But I am on the big E, estrogen, if you don't know.  And more and more as time passes I am pondering my own gender classification.  But apparently nobody else seems to care that I don't think I fit all that well into either one of the binaries.

But I understand how society works.  I understand that I don't want to make a scene.  I understand that I don't want to embarrass my friends.  I understand that nobody really knows what to do with people like me in situations like that and that everybody wants me to just go along with things so that we can just have a nice day.  I get it.  I have a penis.

So I followed the group norms and headed off to the penis room, where I proudly stood and took off my clothes, showing quite clearly who I am, and what I choose to wear.  Personally I found it quite funny to be standing in the middle of the penis room wearing a bra.  Then, later, after getting a fabu massage, I again amused myself by donning my super cute black and white polka-dot bikini while standing yet again in the penis room.

Was I rudely interrupted at any point by an unwelcome penis intrusion?  No.  Nothing happened.  No unwanted penises trying to invade my space.  I don't know if anybody even really looked at me.  It was a super huge, non-event.

And thus I found myself at the end of the day contemplating the separation of penises and vaginas with my friend Edward in the middle of the locker room.  At the time, there weren't any other patrons within ear shot, only a worker who was slowly folding towels.

Most people don't really contemplate this whole penis vs. vagina issue nearly as much as most of us transgender people do.  I mean it is right in our face pretty much the entire day with wherever we go and whatever we do,  but I suppose their must be some price to pay for happiness right?

Anywho..... I was having fun with this conversation even if my friend Edward seemed a bit uncomfortable with my forthright conversation in front of strangers, even if he was just a towel folder.  I seemed to sum up my thoughts on this topic with stating, I get it, you want the penises separated from the vaginas, regardless of who is attracted to who, apparently that is not important, well then what do you do with somebody like me, who has boobs (well trying to grow them at least!) and has a penis, just which facility should we use?

It was at this point that the room attendant looked up, smiled, and said "I totally agree with you!  It just seems so arbitrary where we place people.  I wish that more people were comfortable with their bodies and that we didn't have to worry about that sort of stuff!"

We all agreed it was a bit silly having these sort of separations and I think Edward was a little surprised.  I don't think he was anticipating getting a response from that worker as he leaned over to me and said "My gay-dar didn't even go off at all with that guy."  Edward is not gay, but he is bi, and discussing it seems to be a bit new for him.

For me though, discussing being transgender is becoming more and more common.  I seem to be discussing it with just about anybody these days.  And the people I have yet to speak with about it, might possibly be having a conversation heading their way soon!

So, um, yeah.  Spas.  I love getting massaged.  I love being pampered.  I hate being told that since I have a penis, I must go into the cattle pen with all of the other penises.

Isn't there a better way to draw lines between us then what genitals are between our legs.  You know what?  Scratch that.  Couldn't we do better as a society if we stop figuring out where to draw lines and separate ourselves from each other?

I'm female, you are male, thus we are different.  We are so different, we need to have special places for our differences.  We need to have special separate rooms just so that we all don't ever forget how different we are.  That what bits dangle, or not, between your legs somehow defines who we are.  Isn't this all just a bit archaic?  How about if I said, if you are white you get to use these locker rooms, but if you are not white, you have to use those locker rooms.  Oh well then, all hell will break loose.  What about if that was the case when we were heading off to the spa and the question of which facility I was going to use came up?  How would it sound then, "oh well which locker room is _______ going to use?  Well he is Hispanic, so he will have to use the non-white room."

Does it sound okay then?  Is it palatable to you?  Or does that leave a nasty taste in your mouth?

How about this?  Maybe just settle on three spaces.  One for the paranoid penis holders who only want to show other penis holders their penises.  A second for the paranoid vagina holders who only want to show other vagina holders their vaginas.  And a third one for all the rest of us who don't give a damn who sees what is between our legs.

My penis does not define me, and I hate whenever someone thinks that it does and forces me to conform to their expectations for what is right and wrong for me.

Love you!