Saturday, August 19, 2017
Well, well, well, here we are at one month on hormones. My how this time has flown by. In leading up to taking hormones it seemed as if time was crawling along. I got the prescription, put on my patch, and I was sure that it would feel like forever until I noticed anything different. As it turns out, I was happily wrong!
No, I don't have breasts! Ha! The results that I have had, are no less stunning though, to me personally at least. Y'all may not be so impressed with things, but I seriously am. So.... lets see if I can describe some of the things that have been happening over the past month.
The first thing that I noticed was a change in what I can best describe as a digestive disorder I have had for my entire life. Hmm.... how to describe this without embarrassing the hecky-who out of myself? Well, how about if I tell you that once upon a time, maybe around age 10ish or so, I remember an argument with my mom and dad and myself. My mom insisted that I didn't know how to wipe my ass and that my dad needed to check. Yeah, that argument did not go well, but suffice it to say, that I have had that issue my entire life. And yes I do know how to wipe. I could shower after I go and the same thing would happen, without fail, on a daily basis, until I started taking hormones. Once I started with the hormones, that problem disappeared!!
And that hands down has been the single most awesome thing about taking hormones. It was totally unexpected, but super appreciated! I don't think I could ever tell you what an amazingly awesome change this has been for me. If this is the only thing that ever occurs from hormones, I will be thrilled for life!
Okay, so other than that... any other changes so far..... well my boobs are super itchy! And that is apparently a good sign that things are preparing to change! My nipples have gotten a bit bigger. They are not huge, but going from 1 mm to 2 mm, that means they have doubled in size! Wow!
Hmm..... that is two things, anything else.... I feel happier! Typically annoying things are far less annoying than they have been in the past. I'm still annoyed by the same things, but I don't feel quite so invested in them as I used to. I think the biggest thing with this is that I think I have been pondering hormones for some time now, like say years, and it feels great now to not been thinking about it any more! And just doing it!
Okay, so three things...... hmm..... a fourth thing? Sex has been feeling incredible lately. I don't know if this is a physical thing or just a mental thing, but um yeah, there is that!
Lastly, I just feel more right. Does that make any sense? My doctor described the human body as analogous to the hardware of a computer and hormones as the software. It kind of feels as though now I am operating on the right software! Funny huh? Odd to attempt to describe.
So..... maybe these things seem small. And they are, but they are significant to me. Seriously significant. So significant that I can't see stopping this little experiment any time soon. Just the first thing is enough of a change that tells me this is the right thing for me!
Okay, enough babbling!
Do what it takes to love yourself!
Oh.... btw, this post was written about 2 weeks ago.... so it's a little dated, just FYI!!!
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Top - Lily White - Similar
Tank - Guess - Similar
Shorts - ??? - Similar
Something that I really like about myself are my legs. So many of my outfits this summer show off lots of leg! Apparently I really like them! I think that is kind of funny as over all of these years I have only received one piece of hate mail and one of the only things I remember about it is that the person criticized my legs! Maybe I remember it because I thought it was so absurd that was what she would choose to criticize! Of all the things, she chose my legs? Ha! Funny!
Anywho..... I like this top. I really like how it allows the top underneath it show through. It was one that I bought at a super inexpensive store. I spent maybe ten bucks on this top several years ago, and it has survived to still live in my wardrobe. Most of the clothes I have purchased from that store don't hold up very well, but this one has.
Okie dokie.... not much today!
Love polka dots!
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Hey guess what? I recently found out that this little blog has been ranked #41 in the list of top 100 transgender blogs! WTF? That made me pretty happy. You can go here and see the list for yourself if you would like. It's interesting as well that this list is apparently updated weekly. I wonder how long I have been up on that list for. Hmm...... interesting indeed!
One thing that is a bit buggy is the description they have for my blog. Yes I know that I wrote it, but I changed it fairly recently because it just rubs me so wrong now. Here is what it used to say:
This is a style blog and yes I am aware that I am transgender! I am a man who likes to dress in women's clothes. I like to call myself Nadine while dressed as a woman. On my blog I will be exploring women's clothes and men being able to wear them in a fashionable manner and other various topics that interest me.
But I changed it recently to say:
A blog about fashion, style, and being transgender!
I like that SO much more! It is so much more fitting. I really dislike the way I originally described it, but it was how I felt at the time. I don't know if you have noticed, but over time I have changed the description under the page header as well to better reflect how I currently see myself.
Oh and as well, I have sad, sad news..... I will no longer be writing for Already Pretty. Sally has decided that it is time to move on even further from blogging and has decided to not have any more contributors to her site. I find it quite saddening as I really liked writing for her blog as it gave an outlet to a transgender writer to a cis-gender audience. Ah well, it's time to move on and explore other options for my writing. I am super appreciative of anything of mine that Sally was willing to post on her site. Her audience was WAY more vast than mine. So... thanks Sally!
Okie dokie - I hope you all are well. Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I was laughing at myself as my blog had more active posting while I was away in Alaska than since I have returned! Ah well.... Silly blogging me!
Saturday, August 5, 2017
I don't have a plan, I'm just sort of winging this thing. People ask me if I am transitioning or not. One of the most recent inquiries of this nature was from a good friend. She asked me if I am going to transition as I was sitting in the lounge chair next to her wearing a bikini with breasts on. I kind of had to laugh. I mean, transition from what? Haven't I already started some sort of transition? Am I really the same guy she had met 20 years ago?
Well it is the question du jour as of late. Generally the answer goes - You know I wish that I could predict the future but I can't. Do I have any current plans to start living full time as a woman? No. I have no plans to do so. Can I see myself as doing that in the future? No. I can't see that happening.
But at the same time, ten years ago would I have predicted that today I would be on hormone therapy? No. I would not have predicted that. Most likely, I would have said, no there is no way ever that I will ever take hormones.
It is not as if taking hormones has come totally out of left field and blindsided me. Maybe it has for some of you, but that is solely due to me not updating my blog nearly as much as I would like to. But no, I have been thinking about taking hormones for quite some time. I have written about it here and there, but maybe not as much as I should have. Ten years ago I would have said no to taking hormones but I would still have admitted to wanting a more feminine body. I would have still admitted to wanting every single thing that hormones could possibly bring me, in terms of beneficial aspects. That whole blood clotting thing I could do without!
So.... in ten years will I want to live full time as woman? Maybe. Maybe not. Right now I have no plans of doing so, but I can't really predict what I will want in the future. Can you? Can you for certain predict what exactly you will and wont desire ten years from now? I know some things, but there is know way that I will know everything. Ten years ago I would have also said that I wouldn't want a truck, but now I want an even bigger truck than what I have now!
I wish I could predict exactly what I will want ten years from now, that could make life pretty darn easy. Wait, what I really want would be to know exactly what my wife wants ten years from now! That would be really cool and make my life far easier! Ha! It would also probably result in her being pretty darn happy as well!
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
One of the arguments that I have heard from many different gender variant individuals about why they should not tell their spouses is because they don't know what to tell them what they are, like TG or a CD or where they will be in ten years. If this sounds similar in nature to another post I recently put up, it is because it is. In that post spoke at length about not knowing where I will be in ten years in regards to my transition.
That is not what this post is about. This post is really about the idea of marriage. When committing yourself to a marriage, are you doing so to the person that is in front of you right then? With the expectation that they will always remain that person? Like if that person enjoys vanilla ice cream when you marry them, does that mean they will have to enjoy vanilla ice cream forever? And that if they suddenly switch to enjoying chocolate ice cream that your world will begin to fall apart?
Well no, probably not. I mean does anyone really have all that much invested into the flavor of ice cream that their spouse chooses to eat? I think not! Well maybe, but I hope not. Ice cream is not serious. But there are a million little issues that could be more serious within a marriage that could change over a lifetime. What about a job? Or where one wants to live? Or how about having children? Or the number of children? What about one's health?
That last one is a doozy. We humans tend to have a nasty chance of having bad shit happen to our health. What about if one day your spouse is fine, and the next you have to feed them because of a massive stroke? Yeah, shit sure does happen. The point really is, things happen over a lifetime. Nobody and nothing stays the same for long. So what is it when we marry someone? It can't be this expectation that when one marries they are marrying that person and that person will always remain that exact same person. Okay, possibly some do have that expectation, but it is simply naive to believe that.
People change all of the time, some of the things are small and some are big. Admittedly I'm discussing this because I am transgender and people often ask my wife how she is with everything that I am doing. Being transgender is a pretty big thing. It can be a very life changing thing. It is not as simple as what flavor of ice cream one likes.
But then again, if I didn't know that my wife's favorite ice cream had changed from chocolate to vanilla, I'd be quite annoyed. I wouldn't be annoyed because she changed her likes and dislikes, what would bug me is that she didn't share it with me. I would want to know what her favorite ice cream is, because I like knowing about her. I like knowing her likes and dislikes and thinking that I know what those things are.
Which brings me back to my original thoughts, about some gender variant people not speaking with the ones they love about it. Relationships, marriage especially, grow through communication. If there is no talking, there is no relationship, at least in my mind. Yes telling your spouse that you are transgender is a pretty big deal and honestly I have no idea what that would feel like. Yes my spouse obviously knows that I am transgender, but it is not like I never said anything and then boom, came out to her one day, and now everything is perfect between us as we ride off on our white horse in our wedding dresses into the sunset! Ha!
My marriage to my wife has so far survived all of my attempts at understanding my gender variance because every single step of the way I have spoken to her about every last little tiny thing. Trust me, I have spoken to her so much that she has often asked me to stop. Not that she doesn't like me, but that at times I can be more than a bit obsessive about communicating. It is that very communication though that has saved our marriage. We have grown together throughout this all.
When I have made an appointment seeking hormone therapy and she is not just supportive of that, she is wanting the time to go faster until I can actually get them, that is some serious growth! Maybe you don't know, but at one time she was very clear, if I ever start hormones, she is out. Yup, she said that. Now what's up? She wants me to take them. Again, not just supportive, but wanting it to happen. Why the change? Well there is a story behind that as well, but I am going to leave that for another day.
Today, this post, is really yet another plea for spouses to be open and honest with each other. For people in relationships to understand that in order to survive the test of time, being as my spouse and I have been together since 15 and we are now 45, you must work to grow together.
Grow with someone. It makes the garden so much prettier.
Love growing together!
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Hi! I'm back! Oh..... you didn't know that I was gone? Well yeah, I decided to not announce my trip here as that is unfortunately not a good idea to do on the internet. So.... anywho..... my wife and I got to take a cruise to Alaska! Exciting, huh? The above photo is from when Jules and I were in Ketchikan Alaska.
We had an exciting time, but it was also a bit stressful. Unfortunately Jules' father is not doing very well as he is aging but he does not really want to accept it. Instead he decided to take all his kids on a cruise to Alaska. It probably was not in his and his wife's best interest to go on an Alaskan cruise, but he would not be talked out of it. So.... we all pitched in to make this thing happen. And it was some work, but we also figured out how to have fun as well.
I chose to not fully dress at any point while on the trip, but I did dress in a mixed gender fashion the entire time. What was my real big breakthrough? Stretch pants! Yup stretch pants while presenting as a male. As a male you might ask? Yes as a male. Although I was dressed in women's clothes from head to toe, except for most dinners, carried a purse, had my nails painted, and wore visible breasts, yup I was presenting as a male.
How so? The beard. It really is a dead giveaway. I don't mind. I find it amusing. Frequently I ponder how others are perceiving me and what is going on in their head. I mean they have got to know that I am transgender. I don't make any efforts at all to hide it. Really all I do is to not make the effort to wear makeup and a wig. So, it's like lazy cross dressing? Maybe.... I like to think of it as being gender non-conforming.... well, but now, even when I say that, I think, nope, I think of it as simply being transgender.
Okay. Just a quick thought.
Oh.... my blog has kind of been on autopilot since I have been gone. Comments have been published but I have not had a chance to reply back to any of them. I thank you for your contributions to my blog and I will get to replying to you all soon!
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Tunic - Guess - Similar
Shorts - Guess - Similar
Shoes - Ralph Lauren
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
I wore this outfit the second time that I went to my therapist. This first time I went I didn't fully dress as a woman, I wore a mixed gender style. My thoughts on it were that is how I dress most of the time, and how I have lived my life for many years now. But the second time I thought I would just go for it.
On this particular day, it was super hot, about 112 degrees! Um wowzy! My friend asked me why I was wearing such a large top over my tank in such crazy hot weather. Generally it would be that I don't like my arms, but today that was not the issue. Today's issue was disguising the genitals that I have.
Tucking just doesn't work for me. Yes, I have tried different methods. Yes I have tried, this and that, and the other thing. Alas, it does not work for me. What does? Disguise! Thus this top is fantastic for super hot weather. I can wear whatever I want on the bottom, and this top covers it all nicely! It is also cool in that in being white it actually reflects quite a bit of the sun off of me as well!