Friday, February 16, 2018

Outfit - My Usual State

Jeans -Levi:Denizen @ Target
Shoes - New Balance (Arishi) - @ Amazon - @ Famous Footwear
Hat - @ Amazon

Here you see me in my more natural state.  I thought it would be good to finally post up something from how I actually look in a more day to day appearance.  This was inspired by two elements 1 - somebody mentioned to me that they don't ever go out because they don't pass, 2 - I haven't been posting many outfit posts recently because I have not been going "all out" lately. 

Okay so first point - here is a closeup up transgender me:

Is it obvious that I am not attempting to pass?  Now I fully understand that within the transgender spectrum, passing is an important thing, not actually to the people that they are passing to, but rather to the people that are attempting to pass.  So..... I totally get it when we are talking about the people who need to view themselves as who they know they are.  It truly is an amaze-balls experience to finally see yourself as how you know you have always expected to see yourself.  If that makes any sense!  Ha!

But.... if one's concern for passing is for fear of reprisal due to reveal of one's transgender status, then I want to be the one who gently nudges you to seeing the possibility that one can exist in this world as a transgender human.  A human that others see as a transgender human.  For this is personally how I normally appear in, oh, about, 99.9% of my life. 

I will admit that I have figured out how to take a pretty darn nice photo.  But really, that photo is just a small moment in time.  A carefully crafted moment.  The right lighting.  The right angle.  The right lighting.  The right camera.  The right lighting.  The right wig.  The right ligh...... okay, enough already!  Argh!  Point being is that in any given month, before starting HRT, I would normally only dress with a wig and makeup, maybe once or twice in a month.  Now it is even less.  But dressing in some sort of mixed gender presentation, oh well, yeah, that occurs the entire rest of my life.  That happens when I am working in my yard, going hunting, working at my job, going to the grocery store, living my life.

Not passing, is my life. 

I may very well pass when I give it a go.  It is still not 100%.  Certainly not when you actually speak to me.  But honestly passing is irrelevant.  I know how hard that is to understand when you don't have any personal experience with that, but it is what I experience.  Maybe someone can take something from my experience and give it a whirl! 

It's hard.  I get it.  I really do.  Which brings me to point 2.  I have not posted many outfit posts lately because I have not been going all out.  The wigs have been super annoying lately, and so has makeup.  That has not really inspired me to take photos of myself!  Because for me, I do not in any way see anything even remotely feminine in them.  But I'm trying to come to grips with some of my own personal issues, so.... here you go, you get to see the most common form that I take!  Ha! Like a shape shifter or some such shit!  Hahahahahaha!

Keep in mind online realities - these are reflections of real life, and reflections are often distorted.  Not wrong, just a bit different.

Live life.  Observe reality. 

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love hot pink!!


Friday, February 2, 2018

Openly Transgender


I’ve been having some odd conversations as of late.  

One of them was with my neighbor, who is approximately 65-70 and a retired teacher.  She and I have a funny relationship together.  Mostly we see each other while walking our dogs at 5 in the morning in the pitch black along our small backcountry road that people drive way too fast on.  I think we earned each other’s respect when she and I banded together and took care of most of our neighbor’s estate when nobody else would, including those who stood to inherit the estate, who was not either of us!  

Anywho…. In regards to me, and how I live, ya know, that whole transgender thang, right?  Well I have no idea if she has ever seen me fully dressed as a woman in real life, but she has certainly seen me dressed in full girl clothes and clearly visible breasts, cause ya know, that’s me.  

So, she’s seen me, but I had not had the official talk with her until very recently, like say maybe about 3 months ago.  And if you don’t know - the official talk - is when I use very specific language, like transgender, estrogen, doctors, therapy, blah, blah, blah!  I don’t know what prompted the initial official talk, but one day I just said what the heck and had the talk.  Since then, nothing in our relationship has changed.  She has continued talking to me and treating me in the same respect as she had prior.

Okay, so the odd part of this story is supposed to be the odd conversation right?  

She and I were both doing our regular thing when we see each other, walking our dogs.  Only it wasn’t super early in the morning, but more like 7 or so.  We stood and chatted for a bit when she asked why I was up so early on a weekend when I could finally sleep in instead of going to work.

I hesitated only briefly, so that it was only really noticed by me, and then explained that I had a therapy appointment.  Which then prompted a side of the road conversation about me going to therapy, taking estrogen, and being openly transgender, and how it was all going.  

I know I live in California and pretty much everyone thinks this entire state is nothing but liberal hippies who eat granola and surf all day and they all accept everyone regardless of who they are, but I’ll tell ya what, that is certainly not the case.  It is much more that way in the main cities like Los Angeles and San Francisco, but if you basically go away from the coast, California is a much different place.  And I live in that place.


So, my neighbor and I are hanging out on the road, across from one of the many small family cattle rancher’s places.  Our retrievers are hanging at our feet being pet as the rancher’s border collies are yipping at us from their kennels.  Occasional trucks go zooming down the road, and we all stop and wave.  It is small town USA, where apparently everyone knows everyone, and I am chatting it up with a woman who does indeed know just about everyone that drives by.  And furthermore, I am openly talking to her about things that I never thought I would ever do, let alone ever tell somebody about.  Unbelievable.  

Really the unbelievable aspect is that I am openly talking to this woman about being transgender.  Not because of where we live and the arguable amount of conservatism within my area - did I mention many people still have pro-Trump signs up in their yards?  No?  Hmm?  Yeah.  Anywho - having the conversation within such an area was not the odd part, the truly odd part was that I was having this conversation at all, with anybody, and especially so with this partial acquaintance, my neighbor.  Admittedly she is frequently a mother figure to me, which again makes it a bit more odd.  Odd piled on top of odd.

To grow up knowing I could never tell anybody this deep seated nasty little secret and then to be openly discussing it with this woman was more than just a bit surreal.  I keep mentioning this “openly” aspect and that is because a part of me still feels as though this is a “nasty secret” that if I am going to talk about it, it should be in some small, dank, dark, dimly lit room, with the door shut and locked.  Then maybe, possibly, I might be conned into releasing my shocking truth.

But no.  There I was.  A bright sunny morning, my dog at my side, my neighbor in front of me, and I’m chatting away about being transgender the same way one might talk about how since the rains have come it’s going to be time soon to haul out the spray and begin killing weeds.  Odd.  

Oh and yeah, a few interesting tidbits came from that conversation.  One - she was super surprised to find that I have no intentions of transitioning to living full time as a female.  That one set her back a bit, it was obvious that was something she had never considered.  Two - she mentioned that since finding out that I am taking estrogen she has done some research on people who have de-transitioned.  I tried explaining to her the depths to which many of us suffer, while in hiding, and after coming out.  And how many people struggle with transition due to extreme lack of support from anybody.  Three - I told her of this blog, - Hiya, are you out there reading this?  Ha!  Four - She asked if I had made goals with my therapist and how I was progressing in meeting those goals.

The goal part of that conversation reminded me to check in on my goals.  Which by the way, my therapist and I reviewed, and it turns out, I had actually met all of my goals at that point.  My therapist then gave me a homework assignment of coming up with new goals.  One of which is something I feel really weird about, and I actually intended to write this post about that.  But, ha!  I successfully avoided talking about it!  Ha-Ha.  Maybe in the future you will hear of my new therapy goals, but that is not this day folks!

Love you!

Love yourself!


Seriously, love yourself enough to be open about who you are with those who are in your life, yes even if _________ .

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Quitting Estrogen? Hell No!


I'm curious, after getting your driver's license did anyone ever ask you, hey, have you ever thought about what might happen if you decide to stop driving?  What will happen to you?  Have you thought about all of the possible ramifications of continuing to drive?  Did you make sure to keep your bike and your bus pass? 

How about getting your teeth fixed?  Did anyone tell you to be careful of what you were doing when you got braces?  Or how about getting a cavity fixed?  Did anyone warn you that in a year or two you might change your mind about having that root canal?  You know, because maybe instead you decide that you would prefer to go through the daily pain of having rotting teeth stuck in your mouth. 

Jules tells me that I have a knack for absurd analogies.  I think they are funny.  Often the way that I see it is, if you can carry your reasoning into, through, and beyond the absurd, and it stills sounds reasonable, then maybe you have something there.  Often people will be able to offer an explanation that works for the small stuff, simply because the small stuff is insignificant, but when you apply it to bigger issues, it falls apart.

Okay, even I now think I am rambling!!  The point being that many people have asked me about the ramifications of being on estrogen for the long term.  They seem to be very concerned, entirely for my benefits alone, about what being on estrogen will do to my future ability to produce testosterone. 

It's a shame that in order to answer this question I need to attempt to predict the future, and I am seriously trying to stop doing that.  But I will attempt to put myself out there and say, I can't imagine anything occurring that would ever make me want to stop doing this.  I mean really why?  Why would I?  Why would I want to return to such a dark dreary world filled with angst, anger, irritation, and annoyance? 

Here is another analogy, I remember growing up with black and white TV.  Maybe my TV was color, but I remember shows like The Andy Grifith Show, that only aired in black and white.  Did anybody ever ask you if you thought about making sure that you could go back to a black and white only TV once you bought a color one? 

Sound absurd?  Maybe, but really that is a fair analogy to how I feel.  With estrogen the world is filled with colors of all hues, while for me, the testosterone world is black and white.  So, yeah, I suppose that yes I have at least pondered returning to that world and it terrifies me.  It fills me with such dread that I am beginning to ponder how to make these changes more permanent. 

Seriously.  Me and Testosterone did not mix well.  I don't want to go back.  Ever.  I know that I am trying to retire from predicting the future, but I cannot imagine anything that would make me want to go back to living that way. 

To actually, directly answer your question, yes I have thought about what will happen if I stop taking estrogen.  As far as I have been told, and from what I can research, here are the permanent effects of taking estrogen:
1 - sterility - though ha! I've had a vasectomy, so what the shit do I care?
2 - breast tissue is permanent - though they may deflate some if one chooses to stop taking estrogen.  However if you read my last update you will know that my breasts happen to be the exact same size now as they were when I started.

And that is about it.  As for most of my friend's concerns, my ability to continue to produce testosterone, that will come back as long as I posses testicles.  I'm not stopping the testosterone from being produced, I am stopping it from being absorbed.  The difference is that many of my friends are only familiar with stopping the T from being produced from such things as taking steroids.  With that, the testosterone producing capabilities can be permanently stopped.  For me though, that is a big nope.  Which unfortunately also means a lifetime on an anti-androgen, unless I somehow misplace my testicles! Ha!

Do you know what people should be more concerned about?  Female to male transgender people who begin taking testosterone.  Wanna talk about permanent effects? 
1 - facial hair
2 - possible sterility
3 - deeper voice
4 - genital enlargement
5 - balding

T is a mighty drug.  I don't like it, nor am I appreciative of the effects it had on me for 45 years.  But hey, if that's your thing, then enjoy the shit out if it! (To quote my wife's therapist!)

So uh, yeah, there you have it.  That is what I know of that will happen if I continue taking estrogen and decide one day to stop.  But seriously, nobody wants me back on testosterone.  Seriously.  Nobody.  Well, nobody should want me back on T!  Apparently many people are questioning themselves if estrogen is an appropriate treatment for me.  Funny.  Interesting.  And mildly annoying.  But really, the most important person, me, I don't want me back on T.  The second most important person, my wife, she does not want me back on T.  So really the only people who really matter do want me back on T, so guess what?  It ain't happenin' peeps!

Which by the way, brings up another very common thing for people to say to me, "Well yeah, but what about Jules?  How does she really feel about all of this?"  This post is too long and rambling as it is.  That topic will just have to wait until next time my little blog-a-renos! 

Love you!

Love estrogen!

Well, love me on estrogen!

Ha!

Love yourself, even if that means taking T, if that is what you need to do to love yourself, then go for it! 

Seriously!

Ha!

Sunday, January 7, 2018

My Outfit - Tall Maroon Boots

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Boots -  Unisa  - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
Jacket - Max Studio - Similar

Do you love the boots?  I do.  I don't think I have a very good picture of them though.  Hmm... let me see if I can figure one out.


Awesome huh?  Well I think so!  That was why when I was last shopping at DSW in Dublin, CA, and ran across these beauties, I was so thrilled when I found them in my size.  Furthermore, they actually fit!  Wow!  Glory be to the holy shoes!  I mean I love suede, and I love boots, and I love maroon, so what is not to love about these?  Seriously, I really like them.

I chose to wear these to one of the sessions with my counselor, who really likes shoes!  I think she said she had somewhere between 100-200 pairs?  Maybe my memory is a bit off, but I do know that she really likes shoes!  She told me that she is a firm believer in "shoe therapy."  I mentioned it to my wife who kind of lightly scoffed at the idea but reconsidered when I pointed out that if it is something that truly makes you happy, you can afford it, and it doesn't hurt anybody else, isn't it kind of a good thing to do for yourself?  Just as anything along those same lines would? 

She had to admit that I had a point.  Of course, maybe it was all just a ploy for me to justify buying another pair of yummy boots?  Hmm, maybe.  No, no, no.  Seriously, I don't need to justify to her anything that I want to buy, nor does she.  And I do think that shoe therapy is a real thing, a real good thing.

Okie Dokie.  Thanks!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love really awesome shoes that make you feel like a million bucks!

Smooch!

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

6 Month Update - My Life On Estrogen


Wow, has it been 6 months already?  It seems both short and long.  Short because the last 6 months have been so friggin awesome that I honestly have trouble understanding what is going on.  But long because I want to know what life will be like for me once I have been on the right hormones for 5 years, or 10, or 20!! 

It's funny because in many ways, pretty much almost every single external one, nobody would have any idea at all that I am now operating on estrogen.  Internally though I feel like a new person who is trying to figure out how to navigate this world I have built up around me.  Someone, I think it was my sister, said to me recently that I am going through puberty again.  While I had heard of that idea before, it really struck home this time and my response to my sister was a resounding yes!

Let's get the easy stuff out of the way shall we?  My body hair has slowed its growth, nothing major, but I notice it for sure.  My skin is drier, especially my face, as well it seems softer and more easily damaged.  I am possibly experiencing some reduction in strength and endurance, but that is hard to objectively judge.  In terms of body measurements, things are almost exactly the same as when I started.  There are some hopeful things like my breasts may be getting bigger and my waist smaller as well my butt may be getting bigger.  I say may because it is really difficult to get accurate body measurements over time.  There are always small variations in most of my torso measurements, and most of the recent changes have been just that, small variations.

I know for a fact that my breasts are growing.  Not because of body measurements though.  The measurements are almost exactly the same.  As it turns out, before starting this hormone change, I was already a 40B in bra size.  Not a chance that I would even begin to fill out a bra that size though.  Just one more reason why sizes should be ignored!

Today?  I am exactly the same size!  Ha!  But while I had those measurements at the start of taking estrogen, I never actually had breasts.  Now?  Now I am getting breasts.  They are definitely different than anything I have ever experienced before.  What is the main thing? Pain!  Ouch!  Getting breasts hurts!  It hurts bad!  I spoke to my wife, and my therapist, who both assured me that it is completely normal and happens to most girls.  Wow, I had no idea, but now I have immense sympathy for anyone who has gone through this.  Seriously, ouch!  As far as looks, my wife and I can tell a difference, but really not much.

Okie dokie.  There goes the sum total of the physical aspects that I have thus far experienced.  Now, the mental side of things, which I find super difficult to describe well.  It's really hard.  I've tried several times to explain it to several different people and it never seems to come across well.  I don't feel as though I have been able to accurately describe it.  Instead of bullshitting around, maybe I should just try and get down to it?  Hmm...

I feel like me.  An older me.  A me that I knew once upon a lifetime but thought had been left behind in the discarded memories of childhood.  Now I see what has been there all along.  I mean I've known about my transgender leanings since at least age 12, but I was never as clear about them as I am now.  Things that have been so confusing for me are now so clear.  I finally make sense to myself.  I had heard of the idea of having a female brain, but never really understood what was meant by that, and now I do.  

See?  Words are failing me in my futile attempts to describe what is happening to me.  There just is no way to accurately describe to anyone else what this experience is doing for me.  Faith is all anyone else has to go on.  Faith that I know what is right for myself.

Have faith fellow humans.  Faith in others and faith in yourselves.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Have faith in yourself and others will follow.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

My Outfit - Light Makeup

Jacket - Max Studio - Similar
Sweater - White House Black Market - Similar
Shoes - Asics - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Okay so this outfit is a bit different for me in a couple of ways.  First off, can we talk about the jeans?  They are not my usual go-to type of jeans, don't they look a bit baggy for me?  Well I think they do!  They happen to be from my current selection of day to day work jeans.  Yes they are female jeans, they are just not super tight like most of my female jeans.  It is funny as while presenting as a guy, they seem tighter than most male jeans, but while presenting as a female, they seem a bit looser than most female jeans.  I like them!  They go right between the genders!  Ha!


The other reason why this outfit is a bit different for me is that I don't have any foundation on my face.  It has been almost 6 months since I started taking estrogen and it has made my skin be much more sensitive, especially the skin on my face.  Now when I shave super close my skin often is so sore that I don't want to put anything on it at all. 


At one point in my life I had to make sure that everything about my presentation was as perfect as I could make it be.  My outfit had to be right, my hair had to be right, my makeup had to be right, my frickin' fingernails had to be painted, and not chipped!  I suppose that I had this idea that if everything about my look wasn't right, then that would be the thing that would make people torch and pitchfork me!  Ha! 


Okay, I may laugh about it, but seriously, this is something that I am still dealing with.  I have become far more annoyed with foundation, and with my hair!  These are both things that lately I have not always been wearing and still going out in public.  I am chipping away at my insecurities, but it is still hard.  No I have not been torched or pitchforked with my mixing up my look.  If anything, all I have been has been more comfy!

Did you notice the tennis shoes in this photo?

I just hope that I keep my style the further down this estrogen path that I go!

I like my style!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love your own style!

Friday, December 8, 2017

What A Strange/Awesome New World


While on the way to work today I was pondering who is left in my circle of people that I have not had the official talk with.  For quite some time now I have been making the assumption that everybody in my life knows that I am transgender.  But I have not had the official talk with every single person.  There were just a few people hanging around that I did not think it to be important to have the talk with.  Some of my closer coworkers were in that group.  But last week's reveal was probably the last of those stragglers.

Oh, wait, I never told the blog-o-sphere who I came out to did I?  Sometimes I get so confused about which part of the net knows what about me.  I mentioned this on Facebook, thus my confusion.  Anywho.... there are three "jock" type males that I work closely with.  I never thought it to be important to come out to these people.  I dress the mixed gender way that I do, and they accept me as I appear, so why even go there?  I chose not to, until last week.  I figured it was about time to have the official talk with them.  I told them about me, and estrogen, and what to possibly expect from me in the future.  No torching or pitchforking occurred, just a simple "male" acceptance.  Meaning - they have yet to shun me, which is a good step for them!

Okay, so while driving to work this morning I was pondering who is left to even tell?  It was the weirdest thing, awesome weird, but weird still, I could not come up with anybody important that I have not had the official talk with.  Oh - should I clarify?  The official talk?  That is when I will sit down with someone, preferably in person, and use the official word transgender, and most recently include that I am currently going to therapy and taking estrogen.  The big E.  Yup, that is me.

And thus it was, I was driving to work and I could not come up with anybody important who I have not had this talk with.  Sure, there are people in my life who I have not had the talk with.  There are lots of them.  But these are not friends.  They are not people who matter to my life.  They are people like, some of my neighbors, who I see once or twice every few months, that I smile and wave to, as I drive by, sometimes in a wig and makeup, and sometimes scruffy and dirty towing my trailer off to the dump.

There are the countless number of people I encounter on a occasional basis.  The guy at the store in my tiny country town.  The lady who knows I like the fried chicken at the convenience store down the road.  The brother of the friend I have dinner with once or twice a year.  My clients at work.  All of these random people, who come and go in my life, but bare no real significance upon it.

Oh - it did finally occur to me, there is my wife's dad and his wife.  They don't know.  And I have no intentions of telling them.  Truth be told, there is zero reason to have that conversation with them.  Oh, and now that I am typing it, her father's wife's kid.  He doesn't know.  Well, again he is in that group that if he doesn't know, he is a moron.  But I have not had the talk with them.  I really don't see the need to though.  Honestly, my wife's dad and his wife will be damn lucky to live another year.  They theoretically could, but I doubt it.  They are in really bad shape.  And once they go, I doubt we will ever see the wife's kid again.  Hmm... maybe, but I doubt it.

So um yeah, I think that everybody whose anybody in my life knows.  And that is a whole new world to me.  Today is my wife's birthday.  I was going to write something on her Facebook wall, like Happy Birthday to my awesome wifey!  But it occurred to me, that I would be totally outing myself if I did so.  I mean, her name on FB is her actual name.  Mine is not.  When I mentioned it to my wife, her response was, 'who is on my Facebook that doesn't already know?' 

She has a damn good point.  Who indeed?  And it would appear as though there really isn't anybody.  So strange.  I'm a gunna' have to ponder this one for awhile!  Maybe there are some that I am forgetting.  But wow, geez, that is SO different from how I have lived most of my life.  As with most transgender people, I have spent pretty much all of my life with people not knowing who I really am and what I really like. 

Funny. 

It occurs to me, what to do with this new found freedom? 

The only logical answer - live and be free to be the me I've always wanted to be.

Insert Mel Gibson here, covered in paint, raising his hand, and yelling out 'freedom!'

Ha!

Love you!

Love yourself enough to be free!