Sunday, January 7, 2018

My Outfit - Tall Maroon Boots

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Boots -  Unisa  - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
Jacket - Max Studio - Similar

Do you love the boots?  I do.  I don't think I have a very good picture of them though.  Hmm... let me see if I can figure one out.

Awesome huh?  Well I think so!  That was why when I was last shopping at DSW in Dublin, CA, and ran across these beauties, I was so thrilled when I found them in my size.  Furthermore, they actually fit!  Wow!  Glory be to the holy shoes!  I mean I love suede, and I love boots, and I love maroon, so what is not to love about these?  Seriously, I really like them.

I chose to wear these to one of the sessions with my counselor, who really likes shoes!  I think she said she had somewhere between 100-200 pairs?  Maybe my memory is a bit off, but I do know that she really likes shoes!  She told me that she is a firm believer in "shoe therapy."  I mentioned it to my wife who kind of lightly scoffed at the idea but reconsidered when I pointed out that if it is something that truly makes you happy, you can afford it, and it doesn't hurt anybody else, isn't it kind of a good thing to do for yourself?  Just as anything along those same lines would? 

She had to admit that I had a point.  Of course, maybe it was all just a ploy for me to justify buying another pair of yummy boots?  Hmm, maybe.  No, no, no.  Seriously, I don't need to justify to her anything that I want to buy, nor does she.  And I do think that shoe therapy is a real thing, a real good thing.

Okie Dokie.  Thanks!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love really awesome shoes that make you feel like a million bucks!


Wednesday, January 3, 2018

6 Month Update - My Life On Estrogen

Wow, has it been 6 months already?  It seems both short and long.  Short because the last 6 months have been so friggin awesome that I honestly have trouble understanding what is going on.  But long because I want to know what life will be like for me once I have been on the right hormones for 5 years, or 10, or 20!! 

It's funny because in many ways, pretty much almost every single external one, nobody would have any idea at all that I am now operating on estrogen.  Internally though I feel like a new person who is trying to figure out how to navigate this world I have built up around me.  Someone, I think it was my sister, said to me recently that I am going through puberty again.  While I had heard of that idea before, it really struck home this time and my response to my sister was a resounding yes!

Let's get the easy stuff out of the way shall we?  My body hair has slowed its growth, nothing major, but I notice it for sure.  My skin is drier, especially my face, as well it seems softer and more easily damaged.  I am possibly experiencing some reduction in strength and endurance, but that is hard to objectively judge.  In terms of body measurements, things are almost exactly the same as when I started.  There are some hopeful things like my breasts may be getting bigger and my waist smaller as well my butt may be getting bigger.  I say may because it is really difficult to get accurate body measurements over time.  There are always small variations in most of my torso measurements, and most of the recent changes have been just that, small variations.

I know for a fact that my breasts are growing.  Not because of body measurements though.  The measurements are almost exactly the same.  As it turns out, before starting this hormone change, I was already a 40B in bra size.  Not a chance that I would even begin to fill out a bra that size though.  Just one more reason why sizes should be ignored!

Today?  I am exactly the same size!  Ha!  But while I had those measurements at the start of taking estrogen, I never actually had breasts.  Now?  Now I am getting breasts.  They are definitely different than anything I have ever experienced before.  What is the main thing? Pain!  Ouch!  Getting breasts hurts!  It hurts bad!  I spoke to my wife, and my therapist, who both assured me that it is completely normal and happens to most girls.  Wow, I had no idea, but now I have immense sympathy for anyone who has gone through this.  Seriously, ouch!  As far as looks, my wife and I can tell a difference, but really not much.

Okie dokie.  There goes the sum total of the physical aspects that I have thus far experienced.  Now, the mental side of things, which I find super difficult to describe well.  It's really hard.  I've tried several times to explain it to several different people and it never seems to come across well.  I don't feel as though I have been able to accurately describe it.  Instead of bullshitting around, maybe I should just try and get down to it?  Hmm...

I feel like me.  An older me.  A me that I knew once upon a lifetime but thought had been left behind in the discarded memories of childhood.  Now I see what has been there all along.  I mean I've known about my transgender leanings since at least age 12, but I was never as clear about them as I am now.  Things that have been so confusing for me are now so clear.  I finally make sense to myself.  I had heard of the idea of having a female brain, but never really understood what was meant by that, and now I do.  

See?  Words are failing me in my futile attempts to describe what is happening to me.  There just is no way to accurately describe to anyone else what this experience is doing for me.  Faith is all anyone else has to go on.  Faith that I know what is right for myself.

Have faith fellow humans.  Faith in others and faith in yourselves.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Have faith in yourself and others will follow.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

My Outfit - Light Makeup

Jacket - Max Studio - Similar
Sweater - White House Black Market - Similar
Shoes - Asics - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Okay so this outfit is a bit different for me in a couple of ways.  First off, can we talk about the jeans?  They are not my usual go-to type of jeans, don't they look a bit baggy for me?  Well I think they do!  They happen to be from my current selection of day to day work jeans.  Yes they are female jeans, they are just not super tight like most of my female jeans.  It is funny as while presenting as a guy, they seem tighter than most male jeans, but while presenting as a female, they seem a bit looser than most female jeans.  I like them!  They go right between the genders!  Ha!

The other reason why this outfit is a bit different for me is that I don't have any foundation on my face.  It has been almost 6 months since I started taking estrogen and it has made my skin be much more sensitive, especially the skin on my face.  Now when I shave super close my skin often is so sore that I don't want to put anything on it at all. 

At one point in my life I had to make sure that everything about my presentation was as perfect as I could make it be.  My outfit had to be right, my hair had to be right, my makeup had to be right, my frickin' fingernails had to be painted, and not chipped!  I suppose that I had this idea that if everything about my look wasn't right, then that would be the thing that would make people torch and pitchfork me!  Ha! 

Okay, I may laugh about it, but seriously, this is something that I am still dealing with.  I have become far more annoyed with foundation, and with my hair!  These are both things that lately I have not always been wearing and still going out in public.  I am chipping away at my insecurities, but it is still hard.  No I have not been torched or pitchforked with my mixing up my look.  If anything, all I have been has been more comfy!

Did you notice the tennis shoes in this photo?

I just hope that I keep my style the further down this estrogen path that I go!

I like my style!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love your own style!

Friday, December 8, 2017

What A Strange/Awesome New World

While on the way to work today I was pondering who is left in my circle of people that I have not had the official talk with.  For quite some time now I have been making the assumption that everybody in my life knows that I am transgender.  But I have not had the official talk with every single person.  There were just a few people hanging around that I did not think it to be important to have the talk with.  Some of my closer coworkers were in that group.  But last week's reveal was probably the last of those stragglers.

Oh, wait, I never told the blog-o-sphere who I came out to did I?  Sometimes I get so confused about which part of the net knows what about me.  I mentioned this on Facebook, thus my confusion.  Anywho.... there are three "jock" type males that I work closely with.  I never thought it to be important to come out to these people.  I dress the mixed gender way that I do, and they accept me as I appear, so why even go there?  I chose not to, until last week.  I figured it was about time to have the official talk with them.  I told them about me, and estrogen, and what to possibly expect from me in the future.  No torching or pitchforking occurred, just a simple "male" acceptance.  Meaning - they have yet to shun me, which is a good step for them!

Okay, so while driving to work this morning I was pondering who is left to even tell?  It was the weirdest thing, awesome weird, but weird still, I could not come up with anybody important that I have not had the official talk with.  Oh - should I clarify?  The official talk?  That is when I will sit down with someone, preferably in person, and use the official word transgender, and most recently include that I am currently going to therapy and taking estrogen.  The big E.  Yup, that is me.

And thus it was, I was driving to work and I could not come up with anybody important who I have not had this talk with.  Sure, there are people in my life who I have not had the talk with.  There are lots of them.  But these are not friends.  They are not people who matter to my life.  They are people like, some of my neighbors, who I see once or twice every few months, that I smile and wave to, as I drive by, sometimes in a wig and makeup, and sometimes scruffy and dirty towing my trailer off to the dump.

There are the countless number of people I encounter on a occasional basis.  The guy at the store in my tiny country town.  The lady who knows I like the fried chicken at the convenience store down the road.  The brother of the friend I have dinner with once or twice a year.  My clients at work.  All of these random people, who come and go in my life, but bare no real significance upon it.

Oh - it did finally occur to me, there is my wife's dad and his wife.  They don't know.  And I have no intentions of telling them.  Truth be told, there is zero reason to have that conversation with them.  Oh, and now that I am typing it, her father's wife's kid.  He doesn't know.  Well, again he is in that group that if he doesn't know, he is a moron.  But I have not had the talk with them.  I really don't see the need to though.  Honestly, my wife's dad and his wife will be damn lucky to live another year.  They theoretically could, but I doubt it.  They are in really bad shape.  And once they go, I doubt we will ever see the wife's kid again.  Hmm... maybe, but I doubt it.

So um yeah, I think that everybody whose anybody in my life knows.  And that is a whole new world to me.  Today is my wife's birthday.  I was going to write something on her Facebook wall, like Happy Birthday to my awesome wifey!  But it occurred to me, that I would be totally outing myself if I did so.  I mean, her name on FB is her actual name.  Mine is not.  When I mentioned it to my wife, her response was, 'who is on my Facebook that doesn't already know?' 

She has a damn good point.  Who indeed?  And it would appear as though there really isn't anybody.  So strange.  I'm a gunna' have to ponder this one for awhile!  Maybe there are some that I am forgetting.  But wow, geez, that is SO different from how I have lived most of my life.  As with most transgender people, I have spent pretty much all of my life with people not knowing who I really am and what I really like. 


It occurs to me, what to do with this new found freedom? 

The only logical answer - live and be free to be the me I've always wanted to be.

Insert Mel Gibson here, covered in paint, raising his hand, and yelling out 'freedom!'


Love you!

Love yourself enough to be free!

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Play The Hand You Have Been Dealt?

It's a fascinating thing, sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.  I once had a boss tell me that I had the most accurate self reflections of anyone he had ever met.  That really pleased me.  For if there is one thing that I have constantly striven to do, it has been to have an accurate picture of who I am.  Thinking of that line now, I have to laugh.  For if I was actually accurate in my self reflections, wouldn't I have seen the writing on the wall long ago, and started taking hormones way, way, way, back?  

Possibly.  Who knows?  Who knows why we arrive at the locations we find ourselves?  Maybe I'm only on hormones now because of the path that life has led me on up to this point?  I mean, isn't that an obvious thing?  If life had not led me here, then I wouldn't be here?  Oh gawd!!  What is up with me this morning?  Ahh!!!!

Ponderables.  That is what is up with me this morning.  As of late, I find myself reacting differently than I have ever reacted in the past, and it is down right odd!  A lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!  I mean I have seriously worked hard to see myself, to see who I am, to see how I interact with the world around me, and I really thought I had a pretty good bead on things.  I was pretty sure that I knew how I would react in various situations, so it is odd to no longer feel the ways I have felt for so many years. 

The main thing I am pondering this morning is the vast amount of anger that I have carried around with me since at least puberty.  The longer that I go taking hormones, the more I am leaning towards, some part of me knew that I was not supposed to get testosterone, and when I did, it began messing with me in very serious ways.  

It's a tough thought for me though. (side bar - I love the English language an it's weirdness! Tough, thought, though!  Ha-Ha-Ha - those words are so weird strung together!! Okay - on with the show!)  I really thought that the reason I was angry was that I grew up in a really negative household with lots of stress, strife, and oodles of anxiety.  Yes, I know I really did not have it bad off compared with many others who struggle for basic life necessities, but still, growing up in a household where there is nothing but anger and yelling, and fighting, pretty close to every day of one's life, can really mess with a human!

There were also a million other little things going on in my house.  My sister being repeatedly sexually abused, me having been sexually abused, my mother having a brain tumor, and eventually a brain aneurysm, my father being the typical type of male who loved people so much but was so terribly insecure about it all that he had to throw his hatred out vast and wide to push people away first, and some of his favorite one-liners having come from his time in the marine corp, like - I will not be treated like a PFC in my own home! If you don't know - a PFC is a private first class.  Apparently a nobody in the military!  

So, um yeah, having come out of those family dynamics with half a brain, and still able to function in society fairly decently, it didn't really surprise me much that I was terribly angry.  I mean it is a completely logical thing to assume would happen, isn't it?  Though it did always feel weird.  It never really felt like it was me.  I always kind of felt as though I was so close to someone that had a constant nasty dust cloud surrounding them, that I too became covered in dust.  All that I really needed to do was to figure out how to remove all of the dust!  Easy, right?

Well apparently not so much.  For I remember the first pangs of super anger back when puberty was first hitting.  And I have lived with those feelings ever since.  Oh sure, I have been able to wrangle more control of the situation, most of the time.  But really, any control I could muster came at great personal efforts, and it was a tenuous control at best.  Truth be told, I often felt like a powder keg with a lit fuse, and all I was ever able to do was to extend the fuse.  I was never able to extinguish it.  

And that is what I feel as though I have been searching for - how can I shake off that dust, how can I extinguish that fuse, how can I have been raised in that house, under that regime, and not be an angry bitter asshole?  I have searched and searched and tried numerous things, but the older that I became, the more resigned to my fate I became as well.  Which is terribly unfortunate.  I had always kind of assumed that the further I made it into my own life, and away from my father, that the calmer I would get, until one day, I would no longer be saddled with this terrible burden.  It sounded like a good theory, but the problem was it just never seemed to actually be working!

So can you imagine my surprise that it has now been 5 months since I have been taking female hormones and testosterone blockers and I have not experienced a feeling of explosive anger yet?  In the past, I have been able to go some time between temper tantrums, but it was generally through some seemingly well thought out plan and some supreme will power.  This time, no major plan, no massive amounts of will power, just a little patch, and two tiny daily pills.

Damn!  I mean really.  Seriously, it is totally tripping me out.  

Take yesterday as an example.  A situation arose, that in the past has really irritated me.  A colleague came to me and told me he thought I had been rude and disrespectful towards him.  Normally this would kind of fire me up.  Generally I would handle the immediate situation with grace, but would be left with lots of unresolved anger.  This time, I looked at the guy and told him something along the lines of "OMG, I am so sorry that you felt that way!"  And I totally wanted to go over and give him a hug and pet his back in a calming soothing manner.  It almost made me giggle in the moment, except for I knew that would send this alpha male in a tale spin that I would never be able to pull him out of.  Instead I soothed the savage beast and left with him thinking we were now seeing eye to eye.  The largest amusement to me was when I reflected back upon the incident throughout the day and today as well, each time I was surprised to find myself giggling about it.  That is totally new.  Generally I would reflect about something like that and end up all fired up and quite pissed off!  This time I have reflected and giggled about ten times!  In fact I can't stop giggling about it.  It is so frickin amusing to me it is totally comical!  

That is just one teeny-tiny example of how my outlook on things have changed.  I am not expecting miracles.  In fact I am anticipating that in any possible upcoming situations I just may very well loose my shit.  But it hasn't happened yet.  And it is very odd.  Again - a lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!

I have watched myself for at least 35 years getting entirely way too angry.  And now, without trying to, without a massive plan, without attempting to solve the problem, it seems as though this incorrect application of hormones has been my problem all along.

It is things like this that have made me really look at myself and reexamine what I thought I knew.

I no longer think I should have been attempting to play the hand I was dealt.  I think I should have folded, left the table, and gone and found a new game long ago!

It really is a fascinating thing sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Observe yourself more!

photo credits:'em_Hole_Cards.jpg

Monday, November 20, 2017

My Outfit - Super Comfy Leggings!

Top - Max Studio - Similar
Leggings - ?? - Similar
Boots - Nine West - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

It is really too bad that I can't remember who made these leggings, for they are wondrous!  I really like them!  They were a purchase that I made this past summer when I went on the Alaska cruise.  We pulled into some port, which I can't remember either!  Possibly because they sell recreational MJ there, so that could have a bit to do with my memory lapses!  Ha! 

Anywho....  while we were there shopping around I purchased two things that I wore throughout much of the cruise.  One of which are these super awesomely warm leggings, and another is a cowl neck hoodie.  They were both more than I would normally pay for clothing items as they were actually retail prices!  Yikes!  But the thing is, they are both great pieces of clothing!

That is how I think I really should shop.  Purchase some things occasionally, that are of nicer quality.  Then they actually look good, and will last for more than a season.  Hmm.... sounds good, I wonder if I can keep my binge shopping urges in check?  Maybe. 

Though I will say that as of late, my urges to purchase mad amounts of clothing has certainly lessened.  I really should get around to updating you all on my hormone therapy progress.  One of these days, maybe!  Ha! Again!

Oh I did want to mention that when I purchased these on the cruise, I totally wanted to wear them, but was super paranoid about wearing leggings while in guy mode.  Do I even possess such I thing anymore?  Guy mode?  Hmm.... maybe.  Well okay, I think that regardless of what I wear, unless I take the time to wear makeup and I wig, I am perceived by the general public as a male.  So I suppose that would be my guy mode huh?  Anywho..... I was paranoid about wearing these leggings, but I totally went for it!  And they are so super comfy!  Loved it!  And obviously no one said a word to me about it.  And I even had family on board this ship with us!  And what happened because of it, um.... I was super comfy!  And happy with myself for pushing my own boundaries. 

On the day that I took these photos, I wore this outfit to go see my therapist, who is frickin awesome, btw.  I don't know I mentioned it or not, but I really like my therapist.  I also really liked this outfit.  I have not worn this top with leggings, but it totally worked.  At least I thought it did!

Okay, gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love warm yummy comfy leggings!  Yay!

Sunday, November 12, 2017

My Outfit - Making It Work

Tank - Guess - Similar
Skirt - H & M - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Booties - Madden Girl - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

This top has been hanging in my closest for quite some time.  I think it has remained there, despite not wearing it very often, because I really like the color.  Well that and it shows off my boobs quite nicely.  But when I put it on this past Saturday, low and behold, it decided to morph into a top that barely even covered my boobs!  Yikes! 

That was certainly not the look that I would ever go for!  I mean seriously, it is not like it didn't fit a little bit, it didn't fit a lot!  It was so bad, that I wondered why I even purchased it!  This particular top is purchased by your breast size.  When I first purchased it, it was fine, then within a short bit, it was stretched, but I could make it work by using some double sided tape.  But seriously, this past weekend, no amount of tape would ever work! 

Instead, I obviously wore a tank underneath.  I thought that possibly it looked a bit ridiculous, but according to Jules it worked!  I still like the color and as well, with the black tank peeping out, it worked with the black of the skirt and leggings. 

Oh I don't know if you can really see my booties or not, but I love them!  I got them about a month ago as sympathy shoes.  Yup, sympathy shoes.  I was sick, and my sinuses hurt, and my stomach was in super pain due to a bad reaction to some antibiotics.  So on the way home from therapy, I rewarded myself for dealing so well, with a new pair of shoes!  Yay!  Yummy!  Shoes!!

Love you!

Love shoes!!