Friday, February 24, 2017

It Looks Clear

That is a line from Pitch Black, starring Vin Diesel.  It was possibly one of the first movies I ever saw with Vin in it.  I like science fiction movies and this fits the bill for sure.  I don't know if I would say that it is a good movie, but I do enjoy watching it.  That ends up being an interesting thing in that Jules and I will often watch and rewatch certain movies over and over.  This happens to be one of them.

Okay, way too much detail about an irrelevant thing.  In the movie Vin has the ability to see in the dark and at some point someone asks him if the way they need to go is clear.  Vin's response is to say that it looks clear.  Someone is about to walk that way when all of a sudden a monster flies past them almost killing them.  That character then says to Vin, I thought you said it was clear.  The response from Vin is - I said it looks clear.  

I've always had a thing for word play humor and that set of lines from the movie has always amused me and Jules and I have adopted it.  We will often say to each other, well, it looks clear.  And we both understand what that means.  To the best of our knowledge it looks good, but who knows, we may very well be missing the monster ready to jump out and bite our heads off.

This is a frequent saying to each other when we leave hotel rooms.  We will pack up all of our things and cart them back out to the car before doing a last walk around the hotel room.  Generally around that time, once we think we have everything, we will both look at each other and state - well it looks clear.

Well this last weekend we were in the Long Beach, CA area and we both thought it looked clear.  Loe it was with great disappointment that I discovered I left my only set of forms at the hotel.  Ooops I lost my boobs!  Ha!  An unfortunate side effect of having detachable boobs!  Sure they are convenient, but you might just accidentally leave them behind!  Yikes!

Kindly, Jules called the hotel and asked if the maid had found a pair of prosthetic breasts.  He said that he would check with house cleaning services.  She then asked if he knew what she was talking about.  He said he thought he did.  She clarified for him that he was looking for a small pair of fake breasts.  He said he would phone if he found anything.  Guess what?  He never phoned!

Do you know why?  I suspect I do.  The maid found them, and was probably a bit weirded out thinking she found somebody's sexual fetish play toys and threw them away!

Regardless, I no longer have them.  Which is highly unfortunate as they were about $180.  I really hate making such stupid mistakes!  But whatcha gonna do?  I thought it looked clear!  Oh well.  I actually really didn't use them all that much.  They were not my primary go to, they were just something quick, simple, and easy to use when I dress in an in between mode.  So.... I will replace them, but I don't think I will go with such expensive ones!  I've seen some on Amazon at much more reasonable prices.

I will let you know.

In the meantime, if you happen to find a pair of lost breast forms roaming around Long Beach, CA, let me know.  Ha!


It looked clear.

Well, how does it look now?

Looks clear.

Photo Credits:

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Clean Lines

Top - White House Black Market - Similar
Jeans - Guess - Similar
Shoes - Madden Girl - Similar

This is a top I acquired on my last shopping trip.  Yes, my last shopping trip for a year!  Yikes!  Anywho..... I got it at my favorite store, White House Black Market.  I really like that place!  Good clothes, and great customer service, what more could one ask for?  Love it!  Anyway, this top is a bit unusual for me.  So unusual that Jules mentioned that it was her type of top and not mine.  Which is funny as she and I often have very different taste.

The thing I don't really like about this outfit are how the pants are laying.  I really wish that the pants had a much straighter line to them when falling down around my shoes.  I think that look would look really good with the top.  As it is with the pants kind of bunching up a bit around my ankles, gives the overall look kind of a slouchy feel.  Just a tiny complaint, but an issue for me nonetheless.

I wore this outfit while out in Long Beach for the weekend.  Jules and I had a fairly mellow day this occasion.  We went out to breakfast, and then to a movie.  We saw The Great Wall.  The movie was just okay.  Another Westerner showing the rest of the world how to live.  Apparently Matt Damon is in it though because the people in China wanted his star power.  They really like the movie in China.  Maybe we are too jaded here in the US.  Hmm????

Okay.  That's about it.

Love you!

Love yourselves!!

Seriously, it's important!

Monday, February 13, 2017

A Bit of Both

I wouldn't really say that I am doing HRT, hormone replacement therapy, but I would suppose that on some level I am affecting my hormones.  You may remember from awhile back a post I wrote about my doctor when I asked about taking Finasteride, instead of the drug I was taking (Tamsulosin.)  During that visit she denied my request.  Well about two month ago I visited the doctor that originally prescribed me the Tamsulosin.  When I asked him about Finasteride, he explained the medication and the application to my condition and in the end prescribed it to me.

Since then I have been taking the little pill every morning.  I am taking any of these drugs to help my BPH.  So technically I am not taking hormones because of my gender variance.  But, again, according to, Finasteride reduces the amount of the hormone dihydrotestosterone.  This would place it in the category of an anti-androgyne.  It is generally not prescribed for transition.  It normally is prescribed for male pattern baldness and for treating BPH.  For male pattern baldness it is given a dose of 1mg per day, while for BPH it is given at 5mg per day.  I am on the 5 mg per day regimen.

Many people do not like taking the drug as they are afraid of the possible side effects.  The most frightening of those effects being gynecomastia.  My doctor warned me of that possibility and asked if I was okay with that potential.  Maybe I was afraid of his response, but I just let him know that I was fine with that potentiality and chose not to elaborate.  And from what I can tell, it actually has a very low rate of occurrence.  My doctor was way more concerned with how it might affect my libido more than anything else.

So..... here I am.  Where does that put me?  Taking hormones?  Well no, but taking something that affects my hormone levels?  Yup.  Taking something that makes it so that I have less testosterone running around freely within my system?  Yup.

And how does it feel?  Fine.  Well maybe a bit weird.  Weird you ask?  Yup, weird.  Weird I suppose because I am not sure of where that places me within the whole scheme of things.  As in, am I destined to eventually transition to presenting female full time and I am just on some sort of super slow long looping slide towards that eventuality?  On the one hand, I am taking an anti-androgyne for a prostate condition, not to transition, and on the other, I asked for this drug because I know it is an anti-androgyne.  So am I taking it in hopes of potential transition leaning side effects?  Possibly.

Really I think that it actually is very fitting for me.  It's a bit of both.  I'm really not afraid to fully transition, I just know I don't want to.  But at the same time I know that I am not interested in living as a traditional male either.  What do I want?  A bit of both.  I want to live somewhere in the middle of the spectrum; a bit of male, a bit of female, a bit of both.  I actually am pretty happy to be taking Finasteride.  It helps with hair loss, which I am experiencing.  It helps with BPH, which is needed.  Oh and hey, it has a possible side of effect of giving me boobs.  Kind of like a win, win, win!

Okie dokie!  That's all folks!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Photo Credits:

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Biker Jacket

Top - White House Black Market - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Booties - Madden Girl - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
Jacket - Max Studio - Similar

This jacket is one of the things I purchased on my last shopping trip.  Yes, the last shopping trip for a year!  I do appreciate all of your thoughts about how I need to buy seasonal things, or that I need to keep up with emerging trends.  But really, I don't do either of those things.  And while I may at one point, of gathering a female wardrobe, have needed to purchase some seasonal items, currently, I have plenty!

Okay, off topic!  Anywho.... this jacket!  I saw it at Max Studio and thought it looked cute.  Well, honestly, I was done shopping but somebody was getting their items rung up and I had to wait.  While waiting I saw this jacket and tried it on.  It was pretty cool, but at seventy dollars or so, I didn't think it was that cool.  I placed it back on the rack before getting my things rung up.  As the sales associate is ringing up my purchases she comments to me that I can get and extra twenty five dollars off if my purchases are over one hundred dollars.  Wouldn't you know it, my purchases came to about $95.  So, hey, then I had to get that jacket!  Thus I ended up getting the jacket for about 30 dollars, once all of my discounts and sales were taken into account.

Not bad huh?  I didn't think so.  It is made of polyester though and not my all time fave of leather.  I mean seriously, did you think I would have gotten a leather coat for 30 bucks?  Hah!

Okay, that's about it folks.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love a good sale!!

Thursday, February 2, 2017

A Shopping Diet

Recently I was up near my favorite outlet mall, Livermore CA outlets.  I think the real name is something like San Francisco Premium Outlets, or some such thing.  Anywho..... I didn't have much in mind that I wanted to shop for, except for a relaxing time at the mall.  And I did relax, but I also found way too many cute items that apparently I just had to have.

Low is me.  How could it be possible that I have such a large selection of clothes at home and yet I found myself gobbling up clothes, because I liked the, because I was stressed, and because they were on sale for such great prices!  Yay!  It did help me to feel a bit better about having to work through my three day weekend.  Well to be fair, I did only have to work two of those days and the third I got to shop!

But while driving home; a three hour trip, I began to ponder about my obsession with clothes and with shopping in particular.  Fine, have a clothes obsession.  Wear as many items of clothing as I would like.  But, why do I find relief in buying clothes?  What is it about the act of shopping that brings me such comfort and joy?

Could it be all of the years of me yearning to buy female clothes instead of male clothes?  All of the years of repressing desires has now resulted in a clothes purchasing whore?  Okay maybe whore is a bit extreme.  I mean I didn't buy everything that I saw or tried on.  I was selective.  I did only purchase what I thought I would actually wear.  I purchased things that were on super sales and were excellent bargains!

But really..... did I need to buy them?  And that answer has to be a super no!  No, I don't need more clothes.  I have more female clothes than I can actually wear.  And that is pretty darn depressing!  I love so many of my clothing items and yet I have so few opportunities to actually wear them.  Seriously I could probably create enough outfits to wear something different appearing every day for several months.  How many months?  I couldn't even tell you for sure how long I could go creating cute outfits from my already purchased clothes.

So..... I have decided to join my wife on her diet.  My fix happens to be clothes, and not food.  Her vice is yummy morsels.  Anywho.... a few weeks ago she decided to go on a diet.  It appears as though she will be attempting to diet for about the next year.  So I have decided to attempt to not shop for anymore female clothes for the next year!  Wow!  A year?  Yup, a year!

Wish me luck blog-o-sphere!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love what you have!

Photo Credits:

Friday, January 27, 2017

The Adjacent Possible

I have been gathering some ideas to do a write up on how to shop successfully at outlet malls while being transgender.  Though the snarky part of me keeps saying, that'll be a short article; to shop successfully you need to just do it!  There ya go!  Short, simple, sweet, and to the point!  But then, I do understand that I do have a bit of flair in shopping well.  There might just be some tips I could offer to folks that could help give them the confidence to get out there, and just do it!  So an article along those lines will be forthcoming.

In the meantime though, I have been considering that the real big issue that many people face with doing things like dressing in a gender non-conforming manner, or completely crossdressing, and getting out there in the public eye, is fear.  That is a very difficult thing to cope with well.  Fear is a many faceted component living in the reality of almost all of us.  Fear can be a good thing.  It can help to keep us safe.  But the problem is often distinguishing when our fears are keeping us safe and when our fears are limiting us.

Far too often in my own life I can look back and see how my path was altered by fear and I really wish that it hadn't.  Oh sure, there are times that I followed my fear for the better, like when I pondered jumping over the railing while visiting the Grand Canyon.  But come on, jumping over that railing would have obviously been just stupid.  

What about this past Sunday though?  I was dressed in sort of a half and half manner with female jeans and shoes, and a male fleece top on, with small forms in my bra.  I decided to go into Designer Shoe Warehouse, but the problem was that I was terrified.  Seriously.  I dress this way all of the time and I am fine with it.  Or so I think!  The reality was that before I got out of the car, I almost took my forms out about 100 times.  I kept laughing at myself.  Really, with my nails painted, carrying a purse, in female jeans and shoes, and with female jewelry on, I was freaking out about having obvious breasts??  

I was.  I really was.  I was almost panicking.  Trust me when I said, I felt fear.  True fear.  Fear of possible super negative consequences or events and situations that I might be placed into that I knew I wouldn't want to be into.  Almost like jumping over the railing of the Grand Canyon! 

I read about something this morning that I think helps explain what I do when I am faced with an almost paralyzing sense of fear.  It is called The Adjacent Possible.  In order to get out of the car, all I thought about was doing just that, getting out of the car.  Sure I knew that the ultimate plan was to go into the shoe store and spend time perusing the aisles, but for that one moment, all I thought about was getting out of the car.  Then I did it.  The next thing was to force myself to just walk across the parking lot towards the store.  Which I did.  Then it was, to just go into the store.  Which I did.  The next was to walk to the women's shoes and start looking at them.  Which I did.  Next was to find a pair of shoes I liked and to sit down and try them on.  Which I did.  

Okay, I've belabored the point.  The thing is, you can't look at the entire event, only look at what the very next thing is.  By looking at the whole project it often paralyzes us, because it is just too much.  So by only looking at the very next step, it appears to be far more possible.  Thus you have The Adjacent Possible.  And that is how I do the things I do, only I generally reference it as facing my fears.

Now this is how I heard it described in this month's Popular Mechanics issue, but if you do some research on Stuart Kaufman, you can read the creator's thoughts about The Adjacent Possible.  His ideas on how it is described is a bit different.  I still think the theory of it is true for the situations I am discussing.  Steven Johnson also has an interesting take on it as well.  I really like that little video clip by the way.

I just really thought I should mention this little tid bit about me.  Frequently people seem to think that I have no fear and that I don't hesitate when being out and about in my various forms of dress.  The thing is, I am terrified, but I do it anyway.  I honestly think that is the case for most people that get things done.  We are terrified, but do it despite that.

Get out there people!  Face your fear, one adjacent possible thing at a time.  Start small.  Do the first step, then do the next, and the next and the next..... and pretty soon, you will achieve what you once thought was not possible!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Take that step!

Find that adjacent possible!

Do it for yourself!

Do it because it will help you to love yourself and to stop being so afraid, especially of yourself!

photo credits:

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Casual Shopping Outfit

Jeans - Levi:Denizens
Shoes - Saucony - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

This past Monday, on MLK day, I did not have to go to work and I happened to be near my favorite outlet mall, the Livermore Outlet mall.  I think it actually called San Francisco Premium Outlets or some such thing as that.  To all of my Bay Area friends, sorry that I was unable to get in touch with you while I was up in that area, it was just a super busy working weekend for me.  But, the nice thing was, that I had Monday off!  Yay!

Thus I decided to reward myself for my hard work, and working an extra couple of days by a bit of a shopping trip.  When I go shopping I like to pick my outfit carefully.  First thing I chose was my shoes.  You seriously need sensible shoes while shopping.  Well at least I do as I walk quite a bit while shopping.  The other thing I look for in a shopping outfit is ease of removal and re-dressing.  The clothes I chose should be easy to take off and put on as I straight up refuse to buy things without trying them on.  One other thing I purposefully wore on this shopping trip was the belt.  I like this particular belt as it goes so tremendously well without almost all of my outfits.  By having it along it allowed me to try it out with several different looks to see how it would work.

 On this shopping day I visited a few of my favorite stores.  White House Black Market happening to be one of them.  At that location I experienced one of the highlights of the day.  The sales associates there almost always will ask me if I would like for them to start a dressing room for me.  To which I will respond, yes!  They then will ask for your name.  This time I told them my name was Kelly.  To which she smiled and said, thanks Kelly, without skipping a beat.  If you remember I have had problems using Nadine in these situations.  Kelly though worked out perfectly!  I was super happy with it.  I even responded appropriately when she came back to the dressing room and asked me by name if I was doing alright.  Yay!

Okie dokie!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love selective shopping!!