Friday, December 8, 2017
While on the way to work today I was pondering who is left in my circle of people that I have not had the official talk with. For quite some time now I have been making the assumption that everybody in my life knows that I am transgender. But I have not had the official talk with every single person. There were just a few people hanging around that I did not think it to be important to have the talk with. Some of my closer coworkers were in that group. But last week's reveal was probably the last of those stragglers.
Oh, wait, I never told the blog-o-sphere who I came out to did I? Sometimes I get so confused about which part of the net knows what about me. I mentioned this on Facebook, thus my confusion. Anywho.... there are three "jock" type males that I work closely with. I never thought it to be important to come out to these people. I dress the mixed gender way that I do, and they accept me as I appear, so why even go there? I chose not to, until last week. I figured it was about time to have the official talk with them. I told them about me, and estrogen, and what to possibly expect from me in the future. No torching or pitchforking occurred, just a simple "male" acceptance. Meaning - they have yet to shun me, which is a good step for them!
Okay, so while driving to work this morning I was pondering who is left to even tell? It was the weirdest thing, awesome weird, but weird still, I could not come up with anybody important that I have not had the official talk with. Oh - should I clarify? The official talk? That is when I will sit down with someone, preferably in person, and use the official word transgender, and most recently include that I am currently going to therapy and taking estrogen. The big E. Yup, that is me.
And thus it was, I was driving to work and I could not come up with anybody important who I have not had this talk with. Sure, there are people in my life who I have not had the talk with. There are lots of them. But these are not friends. They are not people who matter to my life. They are people like, some of my neighbors, who I see once or twice every few months, that I smile and wave to, as I drive by, sometimes in a wig and makeup, and sometimes scruffy and dirty towing my trailer off to the dump.
There are the countless number of people I encounter on a occasional basis. The guy at the store in my tiny country town. The lady who knows I like the fried chicken at the convenience store down the road. The brother of the friend I have dinner with once or twice a year. My clients at work. All of these random people, who come and go in my life, but bare no real significance upon it.
Oh - it did finally occur to me, there is my wife's dad and his wife. They don't know. And I have no intentions of telling them. Truth be told, there is zero reason to have that conversation with them. Oh, and now that I am typing it, her father's wife's kid. He doesn't know. Well, again he is in that group that if he doesn't know, he is a moron. But I have not had the talk with them. I really don't see the need to though. Honestly, my wife's dad and his wife will be damn lucky to live another year. They theoretically could, but I doubt it. They are in really bad shape. And once they go, I doubt we will ever see the wife's kid again. Hmm... maybe, but I doubt it.
So um yeah, I think that everybody whose anybody in my life knows. And that is a whole new world to me. Today is my wife's birthday. I was going to write something on her Facebook wall, like Happy Birthday to my awesome wifey! But it occurred to me, that I would be totally outing myself if I did so. I mean, her name on FB is her actual name. Mine is not. When I mentioned it to my wife, her response was, 'who is on my Facebook that doesn't already know?'
She has a damn good point. Who indeed? And it would appear as though there really isn't anybody. So strange. I'm a gunna' have to ponder this one for awhile! Maybe there are some that I am forgetting. But wow, geez, that is SO different from how I have lived most of my life. As with most transgender people, I have spent pretty much all of my life with people not knowing who I really am and what I really like.
It occurs to me, what to do with this new found freedom?
The only logical answer - live and be free to be the me I've always wanted to be.
Insert Mel Gibson here, covered in paint, raising his hand, and yelling out 'freedom!'
Love yourself enough to be free!
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
It's a fascinating thing, sitting back and attempting to observe yourself. I once had a boss tell me that I had the most accurate self reflections of anyone he had ever met. That really pleased me. For if there is one thing that I have constantly striven to do, it has been to have an accurate picture of who I am. Thinking of that line now, I have to laugh. For if I was actually accurate in my self reflections, wouldn't I have seen the writing on the wall long ago, and started taking hormones way, way, way, back?
Possibly. Who knows? Who knows why we arrive at the locations we find ourselves? Maybe I'm only on hormones now because of the path that life has led me on up to this point? I mean, isn't that an obvious thing? If life had not led me here, then I wouldn't be here? Oh gawd!! What is up with me this morning? Ahh!!!!
Ponderables. That is what is up with me this morning. As of late, I find myself reacting differently than I have ever reacted in the past, and it is down right odd! A lovely odd, but odd nonetheless! I mean I have seriously worked hard to see myself, to see who I am, to see how I interact with the world around me, and I really thought I had a pretty good bead on things. I was pretty sure that I knew how I would react in various situations, so it is odd to no longer feel the ways I have felt for so many years.
The main thing I am pondering this morning is the vast amount of anger that I have carried around with me since at least puberty. The longer that I go taking hormones, the more I am leaning towards, some part of me knew that I was not supposed to get testosterone, and when I did, it began messing with me in very serious ways.
It's a tough thought for me though. (side bar - I love the English language an it's weirdness! Tough, thought, though! Ha-Ha-Ha - those words are so weird strung together!! Okay - on with the show!) I really thought that the reason I was angry was that I grew up in a really negative household with lots of stress, strife, and oodles of anxiety. Yes, I know I really did not have it bad off compared with many others who struggle for basic life necessities, but still, growing up in a household where there is nothing but anger and yelling, and fighting, pretty close to every day of one's life, can really mess with a human!
There were also a million other little things going on in my house. My sister being repeatedly sexually abused, me having been sexually abused, my mother having a brain tumor, and eventually a brain aneurysm, my father being the typical type of male who loved people so much but was so terribly insecure about it all that he had to throw his hatred out vast and wide to push people away first, and some of his favorite one-liners having come from his time in the marine corp, like - I will not be treated like a PFC in my own home! If you don't know - a PFC is a private first class. Apparently a nobody in the military!
So, um yeah, having come out of those family dynamics with half a brain, and still able to function in society fairly decently, it didn't really surprise me much that I was terribly angry. I mean it is a completely logical thing to assume would happen, isn't it? Though it did always feel weird. It never really felt like it was me. I always kind of felt as though I was so close to someone that had a constant nasty dust cloud surrounding them, that I too became covered in dust. All that I really needed to do was to figure out how to remove all of the dust! Easy, right?
Well apparently not so much. For I remember the first pangs of super anger back when puberty was first hitting. And I have lived with those feelings ever since. Oh sure, I have been able to wrangle more control of the situation, most of the time. But really, any control I could muster came at great personal efforts, and it was a tenuous control at best. Truth be told, I often felt like a powder keg with a lit fuse, and all I was ever able to do was to extend the fuse. I was never able to extinguish it.
And that is what I feel as though I have been searching for - how can I shake off that dust, how can I extinguish that fuse, how can I have been raised in that house, under that regime, and not be an angry bitter asshole? I have searched and searched and tried numerous things, but the older that I became, the more resigned to my fate I became as well. Which is terribly unfortunate. I had always kind of assumed that the further I made it into my own life, and away from my father, that the calmer I would get, until one day, I would no longer be saddled with this terrible burden. It sounded like a good theory, but the problem was it just never seemed to actually be working!
So can you imagine my surprise that it has now been 5 months since I have been taking female hormones and testosterone blockers and I have not experienced a feeling of explosive anger yet? In the past, I have been able to go some time between temper tantrums, but it was generally through some seemingly well thought out plan and some supreme will power. This time, no major plan, no massive amounts of will power, just a little patch, and two tiny daily pills.
Damn! I mean really. Seriously, it is totally tripping me out.
Take yesterday as an example. A situation arose, that in the past has really irritated me. A colleague came to me and told me he thought I had been rude and disrespectful towards him. Normally this would kind of fire me up. Generally I would handle the immediate situation with grace, but would be left with lots of unresolved anger. This time, I looked at the guy and told him something along the lines of "OMG, I am so sorry that you felt that way!" And I totally wanted to go over and give him a hug and pet his back in a calming soothing manner. It almost made me giggle in the moment, except for I knew that would send this alpha male in a tale spin that I would never be able to pull him out of. Instead I soothed the savage beast and left with him thinking we were now seeing eye to eye. The largest amusement to me was when I reflected back upon the incident throughout the day and today as well, each time I was surprised to find myself giggling about it. That is totally new. Generally I would reflect about something like that and end up all fired up and quite pissed off! This time I have reflected and giggled about ten times! In fact I can't stop giggling about it. It is so frickin amusing to me it is totally comical!
That is just one teeny-tiny example of how my outlook on things have changed. I am not expecting miracles. In fact I am anticipating that in any possible upcoming situations I just may very well loose my shit. But it hasn't happened yet. And it is very odd. Again - a lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!
I have watched myself for at least 35 years getting entirely way too angry. And now, without trying to, without a massive plan, without attempting to solve the problem, it seems as though this incorrect application of hormones has been my problem all along.
It is things like this that have made me really look at myself and reexamine what I thought I knew.
I no longer think I should have been attempting to play the hand I was dealt. I think I should have folded, left the table, and gone and found a new game long ago!
It really is a fascinating thing sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.
Observe yourself more!
Monday, November 20, 2017
Top - Max Studio - Similar
Leggings - ?? - Similar
Boots - Nine West - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
It is really too bad that I can't remember who made these leggings, for they are wondrous! I really like them! They were a purchase that I made this past summer when I went on the Alaska cruise. We pulled into some port, which I can't remember either! Possibly because they sell recreational MJ there, so that could have a bit to do with my memory lapses! Ha!
Anywho.... while we were there shopping around I purchased two things that I wore throughout much of the cruise. One of which are these super awesomely warm leggings, and another is a cowl neck hoodie. They were both more than I would normally pay for clothing items as they were actually retail prices! Yikes! But the thing is, they are both great pieces of clothing!
That is how I think I really should shop. Purchase some things occasionally, that are of nicer quality. Then they actually look good, and will last for more than a season. Hmm.... sounds good, I wonder if I can keep my binge shopping urges in check? Maybe.
Though I will say that as of late, my urges to purchase mad amounts of clothing has certainly lessened. I really should get around to updating you all on my hormone therapy progress. One of these days, maybe! Ha! Again!
Oh I did want to mention that when I purchased these on the cruise, I totally wanted to wear them, but was super paranoid about wearing leggings while in guy mode. Do I even possess such I thing anymore? Guy mode? Hmm.... maybe. Well okay, I think that regardless of what I wear, unless I take the time to wear makeup and I wig, I am perceived by the general public as a male. So I suppose that would be my guy mode huh? Anywho..... I was paranoid about wearing these leggings, but I totally went for it! And they are so super comfy! Loved it! And obviously no one said a word to me about it. And I even had family on board this ship with us! And what happened because of it, um.... I was super comfy! And happy with myself for pushing my own boundaries.
On the day that I took these photos, I wore this outfit to go see my therapist, who is frickin awesome, btw. I don't know I mentioned it or not, but I really like my therapist. I also really liked this outfit. I have not worn this top with leggings, but it totally worked. At least I thought it did!
Okay, gotta run!
Love warm yummy comfy leggings! Yay!
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Tank - Guess - Similar
Skirt - H & M - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Booties - Madden Girl - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
This top has been hanging in my closest for quite some time. I think it has remained there, despite not wearing it very often, because I really like the color. Well that and it shows off my boobs quite nicely. But when I put it on this past Saturday, low and behold, it decided to morph into a top that barely even covered my boobs! Yikes!
That was certainly not the look that I would ever go for! I mean seriously, it is not like it didn't fit a little bit, it didn't fit a lot! It was so bad, that I wondered why I even purchased it! This particular top is purchased by your breast size. When I first purchased it, it was fine, then within a short bit, it was stretched, but I could make it work by using some double sided tape. But seriously, this past weekend, no amount of tape would ever work!
Instead, I obviously wore a tank underneath. I thought that possibly it looked a bit ridiculous, but according to Jules it worked! I still like the color and as well, with the black tank peeping out, it worked with the black of the skirt and leggings.
Oh I don't know if you can really see my booties or not, but I love them! I got them about a month ago as sympathy shoes. Yup, sympathy shoes. I was sick, and my sinuses hurt, and my stomach was in super pain due to a bad reaction to some antibiotics. So on the way home from therapy, I rewarded myself for dealing so well, with a new pair of shoes! Yay! Yummy! Shoes!!
Monday, November 6, 2017
My therapist called it numb on her Facebook post, and it really made me think, yeah that is what I am these days towards mass murder, numb. It is so super sad. I haven't really known how numb I have become to these horrid crimes until this past visit to Las Vegas. I know I have written quite a bit about my two to three day trip to Las Vegas. Apparently it was a moving event for me. Somethings I expected, other's I did not.
What I did not expect was the dawning realization of what a turd I was towards people that I consider to be good friends, Vivian and Edward. I have written about them quite often here. They were some of the first ones that I ever came out to. They were definitely the first ones to see me dressed as a woman, other than my wife, and the thousands of strangers who have seen me. They were for sure the first friends and one of them was the first coworker.
And yet, when the mass shooting happened in Vegas, did I call? Did I text? Did I have a moments thought about whether or not my good friends were okay? Not really. Oh sure, I can put it off as, I know Edward does not like country music, I knew that Vivian had ripped off most of her toenail and was receiving or at least in need of medical assistance, I knew that Edward was also not in Vegas, or at least I thought he wasn't there.
But still, those are all just such bullshit excuses for not reaching out and connecting with people that I care about. And for that, I am so sorry. I don't know how often they read my blog these days, but if you two are still reading occasionally, know that ever since it occurred to me, I have felt like a SUPER SCHMUCK!
And today was the day, while reading my therapist's post about feeling numb towards mass murders, that I realized, holy shit! That is exactly where I am. I am totally numb to mass killings. Wow, that is so sick! I mean even this past weekend's horrors, I was just like, hmm.... well.... yup.... that'll happen. Wow, that is so fucked!
I suppose on many levels, it is a natural reaction, as there is not much any of us can do about those situations. Some people are just messed in the head and for some who-the-hell-knows-why reason, they feel the need to go out in a blaze of horror taking as many innocents with them as they can. It is truly sick and twisted, but seriously, what can we do?
I know the least that I could have done is to call my friends and let them know that I was thinking of them. Not cool that I didn't. So not cool. I'm pretty bummed with myself for becoming that desensitized to such horrors of the world. True I cannot stop them, but I can at least reach out and offer comfort to those who have been placed into such shocking events.
Love you Vivian and Edward.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Shoes - Saucony - Similar
This outfit was what I chose to wear while driving home from Vegas last month. I knew that I wanted to be comfortable for the drive and thus I wanted to wear some of my favorite things, but still be super comfortable. I had considered wearing my favorite pair of booties with this look, which seriously would have been lots more fashionable than the pink tennis shoes, but they are just not very comfortable to drive in. I like them, but the heel is a bit tall and kind of puts my legs in a bit of a twist while driving.
I was surprisingly emotional on my return trip from Vegas. I super love being on the right hormones finally. I really had know idea that I was on the wrong hormones for so long, but I guess it is better late than never to finally figure it out!! Ha! Good luck to all the rest of you who might be considering this path! Seriously. Good luck. It is enjoyable, but if I had not been working on my mental state prior to embarking upon hormones this all would have seriously put my panties into a twist!
Suffice to say for now, I was a bit emotional and needing some comfort on my return trip from Vegas. This outfit provided exactly what I needed. Yummy, happy, comfortable clothes. Yay! It is really amazing what the right clothes can do in the right situation.
So um yeah, there ya go!
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
It not estrogen, it’s me on estrogen, that’s what I would have said, if I could have one of those brains that actually thinks in real time. For me though my thoughts often come hours, day, months, years, or even decades after the fact. Things are constantly replayed within my mind, over and over, on endless loops, with me trying out different responses to see how they fit and pondering their implications.
Lately it seems as though more often than not, my most immediate responses are along the lines of “cool, whatever.” Because seriously, for me, it is like, “whatever.” Like, that particular thing that is going on is so inconsequential and irrelevant to my here and now, that it really doesn’t make one bit of difference to me personally. Hmm…. wow, that sounds a bit harsh, no? A little bit like I don’t really care all that much? Hmm…. okay, well maybe that is not the best way to start off this particular post, but then again, maybe it is actually the best way to start off this post.
So…. maybe this may be a bit harsh sounding with that prelude… but let’s give it a go, shall we? Okay so then….
I was hanging out with my good friends, Vivian and Edward, the same couple of the recent post about going out for a spa day, and the conversation was somewhat floating around me and estrogen.
The comment from my friend that stuck with me, that I have been twirling around in my head, came from Vivian, and it was something along the lines of “I am disputing your so called reported effects of estrogen.”
I’m not quite sure if she knew how much those words stung. People in my life often tend to see me as being so filled with confidence, that nothing that is ever said bothers me. Of course, most don’t know about my deep seated paranoias. I keep them fairly well disguised. So I think that part of me responded in my head with some smart ass remark along the lines of “well, goodie for you!!” Or some such shit.
It’s good that I didn’t respond then actually, as now I have been able to pull my head out of my own self centered butt for a little bit and see, she was not actually talking about me in the least. She was clearly talking about herself. I am quite sure, she was well aware of that. But me, nope I didn’t catch that at all. All I caught, was, what? What? WHAT????
In my mind, I flipped out a little. Okay, possibly more than a little. Maybe quite a bit.
Okay, anywho….. Since then I have been able to see that for her, estrogen has apparently not been a friend. It is a part of her that she seems to be quite annoyed with. She does not appear to be any part transgender as she seems to be fine with being female, and has no desire to be anything but female. But, and it is quite a but, she really does not appreciate how she sees estrogen as affecting her thoughts. She likes a very orderly and rational existence and does not see estrogen as doing her any favors in those areas.
So for her, estrogen is uncomfortable, and so of course she will dispute any reported positive benefits reported from anyone regarding estrogen.
I get it. I totally do.
But for me, I doubt that people who are not transgender as being capable of really understanding the transgender experience. When I attempt to explain to people what being on estrogen actually feels like for me, I wish they could see between the lines, between all of the evidence that I am reporting to them.
My wife actually explained it best, to Vivian and Edward actually. They said something along the lines of “he seems be more this way or that way, which is different than I have ever seen him,” I absolutely loved her response “no he is just willing to be himself now and to let you see it.”
Yup, that’s about it in a nutshell. Estrogen is not some miracle drug. Have problems in life? Sorry estrogen is not going to fix them. Are you an angry person? Well, just because being on estrogen has made me a less angry person does not for one minute mean that you taking estrogen will make you any less angry. In fact, if you are not meant to operate on estrogen, it could have the exact opposite effect on you actually.
For me, it does not matter that I am on estrogen, it could literally be putting me on testosterone, if I was born a FTM transgender human, that would make me less angry. For it is not being on estrogen itself that has done so much for me in the four short months of being on it, it is being on the right hormone that has done it for me.
I have been on this planet for a bit over 46 years now. True, not the oldest and wisest among us, but neither am I the youngest and most naive. I have experienced quite a bit. Many times I have thought that I had a pretty good bead on things, that I really understood things on a deeper level. Nothing I have experienced before this prepared me for the utter blatant reality of who I am.
I’m not going to say that I have actually been a woman my whole life. But I can say for assurance, that my brain has expected to be operating on estrogen since I have been born. It’s darn near impossible to express it to anyone who has not personally experienced it.
I suppose it could be along the lines of some of those ancestry.com commercials. You know the ones where people grew up thinking they were Italian, and did everything that traditional Italian families do, only to take the test and find out that they don’t have any Italian heritage in their DNA and are actually Armenian? Or some such stuff. Yeah, I could imagine that it might be like that.
So yeah, dispute away. For estrogen is not a miracle drug.
But finally being on the right hormone is indeed a miraculous thing.