Monday, September 19, 2016

Sometimes Being Out Is a Responsibility I Don't Want


Is it easy to be out or in the closet?  I think this is something that many of us part timers ponder.  I mean if you are facing certain transition, then the question is moot.  You're not going to transition to the other gender entirely and spend your time sitting in a closet all by yourself.  Life couldn't possibly get done that way.

For those who are just an occasional cross dresser, then again, I think the question is easily enough answered, you can stay in the closet, and who is to be any the wiser?  I mean many cross dressers simply throw on a few bits of girliness, have a few kicks while sitting in the privacy of their own home, and why should they tell anyone and everyone, that they enjoy that?  Many crossdressers will state that life is far easier without anybody knowing, even if that includes their own spouse.  Who am I to say that is wrong of them to do?  Nobody.  I am nobody to say that their choice to remain hidden is wrong.

But now me, how about me and how I choose to live my life?  I don't see myself as your average ordinary crossdresser, in fact I think of myself less and less as a crossdresser as time passses.  What do I think of myself as?  Transgender probably best, and easily, sums it up.  But, do not mistake me, I have no intentions of transition to the other gender.  I may continue slowly meandering towards more of middle path, but that is not the point of this post.

The point of this post is the reality of being transgender, and being out.  By being out, what I mean, is that I live my life, all of it, my personal life, my family life, my friend life, my work life, LIFE!!! as an openly transgender person.  I do not always state it.  I don't carry around a large blinking neon sign, proudly claiming my TRANSGENDER status.  But I do me, openly, and freely, for anyone looking, for anyone that cares to see, and to anyone who cares to ask.

Recently at work, a coworker made me pretty uncomfortable.  He has commented before about the things I choose to wear, like my painted nails, my iPad case, my choice in clothing, specifically socks and shoes.  It has all been fairly innocent and friendly.  But recently, it crossed the line.  He came into a common worker area and stated quite loudly, "hey man, you and your choice of shoes and socks, just throws me."  Or something to that effect, after which he began laughing quite loudly and walked up to another staff member, shoved him in the shoulder and said "hey man, did you get a load of this guy's socks and shoes, and mean really."  And continued to laugh and encourage the other staff member to do so as well.  The other guy sort of looked at the first guy as though he was crazy.

So..... while I choose to not be open about the profession I am in, I will say, it is a HIGHLY protected one.  One where we are mandated to have training on harassment.  And the guy who was harassing me, guess what one of his roles is?  Union representative.  Uh yeah, so that just happened.

Which of course led to me sitting in the Human Resources Director's office today discussing that I consider myself to be transgender, and relaying what this colleague did.  He informed me that it would be handled appropriately and that it should not ever happen and that if it continues to, that further disciplinary action will result.  I thanked him for his time and left.

But afterwards, I felt down about it.  I suppose I felt down because there are times when I don't want this responsibility.  What I really want is to be able to do my job and live my life without the fear of ridicule from others.  Which is exactly why I HAD to go to HR and report the situation.  I HAD to go and tell them, openly, and frankly, that I am transgender, and YES this coworker made me feel uncomfortable and it is beginning  to be closer to border on harassment.

Heavy.

I wish people could understand others better.  I knew I had to go to HR, I didn't want to.  But I HAD to.  I know that I am strong enough to do it, even though I didn't want to.  But I knew I HAD to, for all of you out there who are not strong enough.  For all of you who want to be out of the closet but are afraid because of the potential of ridicule.

But sometimes it is a responsibility that I don't want.

What is that Spider Man line?  With great power come great responsibility.  Geesh, I don't even have mediocre power let alone great power.  But still, I've got the responsibility.

As of late, I have had some TS people kind of dismissing me because I suppose I am not trans enough.  Hmmm..... trans enough yet people?

Love you!

Love and hate responsibility.

photos:
http://thebluediamondgallery.com/r/responsibility.html
https://pixabay.com/en/human-resources-hr-management-1181577/
https://pixabay.com/en/closet-dresser-furniture-wardrobe-764792/

Friday, September 16, 2016

Mr. Unhappy


Do you know what a cystoscopy is?  Well I didn't until recently.  For your sake, I really hope you don't ever have to find out what it is.  Just as a fair warning, this post might be a bit more graphic in nature than some of my other posts.

So.... fair warning...... it may get a bit uncomfortable for some...... if you want to stop reading, now may the time!!!!  Last chance... okay, here we go.

I have been having an issue with some urine retention.  I think I am done going to the potty, and when I put myself away, things dribble down my leg.  Not always, but often enough that I frequently have more than a little wet spot left visibly on my pants.  Not a fun experience to have!!

Anywho..... during my last physical I asked to go see a urologist about the situation.  He ordered all sorts of fun tests!  I got to have several different ultrasounds.  Which were easy.  I got to have an CT scan of my kidneys.  Easy.  Except for the dye injection felt really weird!!

And then yesterday, I got the cystoscopy.  Oh what fun that was!!  I won't get into the nitty gritty details of that lovely procedure.  You can google it if you'd like, but I'm not even going to provide the convenience of a link for you!  Sorry!  I will explain though, the long and the short of it was I had a camera inserted into my bladder.  Yeah!  That happened!  Oh, and while there they decided to do a biopsy, just to check for anything weird.  Uh... that hurt!! He didn't see anything unusual, but he just wanted to make sure.

So..... in the end...... my diagnosis...... I have a prostate that is unusually enlarged for my age.  Everything is benign, and the suggestion is for me to spend a bit more time making sure everything is voided while I use the restroom.  Oh fun!

But here is the thing...... afterwards, I walked out of there really hating the fact that I have a penis!

So uh, yeah.  There you have it.

Will I rid myself of my extra appendage?  Nope.  It's just that right now, I'm not so happy with my Mr. Happy!  Thus the title of this post, Mr. Unhappy!

Ugh!

Oh and yes, I know this procedure can be performed on a female, but do you know how much shorter a female urethra is than a males?  And as well, females have no prostate to deal with either!  Yeah!  Ugh!

Yeah, trying real hard to love myself today!  To love all of myself!

Love you!

Photo credit:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cystoscopy#/media/File:Cystoscope-med-20050425.jpg

Sunday, September 11, 2016

A Light Summer Look

Shoes - Guess - Similar
Bracelets - My Own - Etsy

I purchased this top quite some time ago.  So long ago that I actually do not remember when I purchased it.  That means it was awhile ago.  I really liked it when I purchased it, but for some reason it has hung in my closet waiting for the right time.  On this occasion, apparently it was finally the right time.


I do like the look of the top.  It is a nice color, super light weight, and hangs nicely on me.  Now that I see it in these photos, I really don't know why I waited for so long.  Maybe it has to do with my dressing being so limited.  I purchase clothes with super clear intentions of wearing them.  I like the items I buy.  I make sure they actually work for me.  And I come home with things that I like.  I really do.


Yet, so many of my clothes only get a small amount of use out of them.  I really think that it has to do with time.  While I dress in a half and half manner for most of my time, I generally am rather picky about what clothes qualify for my mixed look.  Certain clothes are worn exclusively while I am fully dressed as a woman.  And lately those fully dressed moments have only been a couple of times per month.


So.... what's the answer for my lonely pretty clothes?  Maybe making sure I give myself more dressing times per month, or maybe I should relax my requirements for clothing qualifying as being wearable in a half and half look.

Hmm..... maybe.  Maybe that second thought would be more reasonable.  Really, I am not always so interested in pushing myself to fully dress.  I used to......... you know, these thoughts really deserve their own post.

Okay!

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Asymmetrical Top


I love this top!  It is so perfect for being able to wear with pants, or shorts!  Well at least it is perfect for me.  For I am not a tucker.  If you're reading this blog I will assume that most of you are aware of what tucking is for a transgender person, but if not, then click here.  Personally tucking just does not work all that well for me.  Sure I know how to tuck.  I've tried it repeatedly with a variety of different methods or assisting devices and it really just does not work how I think it should.

How should it work?  Well in my mind it should result in a perfectly flat smooth front.  Which I can never get!  Trust me, I know how it works.  I know what you're supposed to do.  But alas it just does not work the way that I hear of it working for some.  Apparently for some folks, they can achieve this perfect tuck, such that nobody would ever suspect that they have more in their shorts than they are supposed to.  I've read of some who can tuck so nicely that they can wear a thong bikini and nothing shows!  Um..... wow.


Honestly, for me, that just does not work.  The best possible method for me, is to wear some spanks and place me extra bits kind of down the side of my leg.  That way things at least look nice and smooth, even in the tightest of skirts.  But leggings?  Yeah that is a different story entirely!

Thus what is someone in my position to do?  Well, wearing shirts that are longer in the front provides for some excellent camouflage!  Thus my love for this shirt!  It's asymmetry provides for the perfect cover for me.  That way I don't have to do anything special.  I can wear my regular undergarments and simply wear this shirt, and then POOF, nothing shows!  Yay!!


The other totally awesome thing about this particular top is that it is long in the front, but normal length in the back.  Which means, that in a piar of leggings, my front is well hidden, but my butt is showing!  My wife especially likes that aspect of it.  And so do I.  I mean, I don't have the typical lady tushy, but my back side is pretty perky!

Okie Dokie!!!

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Please do try and love yourself!

I mean, work at it.  It takes effort, and not just acceptance.

So do it!


Sunday, August 28, 2016

Living in the Middle

Tank - Guess - Similar
Shorts - I & M Jeans - Similar
Flip Flops - Rocket Dog - Similar

Here I am again in my most natural state, a bit of half and half, what some call a tween.  Which I kind of don't like, as I personally confuse it with someone who is almost a teenager.  I think that definition is more widely known, than the one of someone who lives their lives between the genders.  For me, really, it is just me.  A little bit female, and a little bit male.  That is how I really feel about my gender.

I was pondering these thoughts about my gender this morning as I was trying to decide what I should wear into town.  These happened to be the clothes I put on today after I got out of my shower, I just hadn't really planned on leaving the house.  But things needed to get done down in town and so I thought, why not just wear what I'm wearing?  Clearly it is what I wanted to wear today.



So.... it's funny, that it still occurs to me that maybe what I am wearing is not socially acceptable.  But, I am determined to show myself that I love myself, and that being this way is okay.  Being someone who lives in the middle of the two typical gender presentations, is who I am.

I suppose it is some lingering fear that something bad will happen to me.  I live my life quite openly.  If anybody ever cared to look, which I am sure some have, they would know.  I wear female clothes all the time.  To work even.  Am I trying to present as a female?  Not normally, that is only an occasional thing.  It actually has been a couple of weeks since I've been dressed fully and out anywhere.


But this 'tween thing?  That I do everyday.  Because that is who I am.  I just don't really like that word.






Monday, August 22, 2016

Pleated Skirt & My Own Etsy Store!!

Shoes - Kelly & Katie

First off, with this outfit, I absolutely adore this skirt.  It is pleated all the way around and it swishes as I walk, which I just adore!  It has such wonderful movement to it that I will often grab it and swish it around and around.  It is such fun!!


Another bit of info --- I have finally opened my own Etsy store!!!  Wow, how exciting!  Well it took a bit of prodding from myself, my wife, and several of my friends, but yesterday I finally got around to setting it up.  Please go check it out, and see if you'd like to custom order something from me.  I'd love to make something special just for you!


Well this summer I am feeling much more confident, or that I just don't care that much, about having my arms out.  I read somewhere that this past July was the hottest on record, and it sure felt like it!  So to help with that brutal heat in California's Central Valley, you sometimes just need to ditch the arm covers!  Yikes!


Okie dokie everyone!  Thanks so much for reading.

Go checkout my Etsy!! Order yourself something special, from your's truly, the cross dressing woodworker!

Love you!

Love yourselves!!


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

A Nice Cool 104 Degrees Fahrenheit

Shorts - Guess - Similar

On this day it was predicted to once again be above 100 degree Fahrenheit, but alas, I needed to make a run to CostCo.  Jules and I have friends coming next weekend and we needed things at CostCo that would be running out soon.  She was headed to the supermarket and to get her hair cut, so I was off on my own.


Being as it was going to be so super hot, I knew that I needed to wear something small!  This tunic is something I picked up recently and thought it would be perfect for the day.  But, as is often the case with tunics, they are not quite long enough to wear all by themselves.  Thus I snuck the shorts underneath it.  I thought it may have looked a bit unusual to onlookers, as it certainly looked as though I was wanting to "showcha-my-chocha!"  Ha!  Oh well, if that is what they thought, then whatever!  I knew that I wasn't showing anything, so whatever, right??


I knew it was going to be hot, thus I took off early in the morning with the intent of getting their just as it opened.  Lucky for me, I arrived about a half hour early.  Lucky I say, because then I was able to shoot down to the outlet stores and search for a pair of girl jeans that I could wear while presenting as a guy.


I'm a bit picky about the jeans I wear nowadays.  I really like jeans and I have many pairs of male jeans, and female jeans, but only a two pairs of female jeans I feel comfortable wearing to work.  They would Levi Denizen jeans that I purchased from Target.  Anywho.... into Guess I went and attempted to pick out female jeans that weren't too female.  Funny huh??


Pair after pair I tried on and set aside.  It was actually quite funny.  I wanted female jeans, but not too female.  How did that work?  Well I finally settled on a $30 pair that was straight legged, a bit tight in the thighs, a little loose in the calves, and a couple of sizes larger in the waist than I would buy if I was planning on wearing them while presenting as a woman.  It was an odd jean buying experience, but something that I came away from with quite a smile on my face.

I finished up with the pair of jeans, scooted off to CostCo, did my shopping, hit Trader Joes, and then was off back to home.  Of course, once I got back, I had to take some outfit photos, and it turned out that it was only 104 degrees Fahrenheit!  What a nice cool refreshing day! Ha!

Okay, that's it for today folks!  Hope you are staying cool out there!  But hopefully you are not in the flooding areas of the US.  Weirdo weather!

Love you!

Love shorts under short tunics!

Love yourself!

Seriously try to love yourself.

(I had someone today inquire about my painted nails at work and I told them that I don't always conform to what people think males should and shouldn't do.  And that even though it scares the heck out of me and I still think I am going to be pitchforked and torched, that I am trying hard to love myself.  And that having my nails painted and presenting as male is something I do to try and help myself to love myself.)

So seriously, do something to help you love yourselves!!