Thursday, November 29, 2018

Mini Update

Really?  Is it possible that I can match my already written title of a mini update?  I seriously don't know!  I'll try and keep it small, but lately it seems as though being brief is not my strong suit!  Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

#1 - well things here in my personal life keep chugging along.  I am occupying much of my time with trying to change over my name on every little thing!  It is kind of annoying.  Do you know what would be super helpful?  If you legally change your name, it then is magically changed across everything!  It kind of stinks having to get a different doctor letter for my court case, my driver's license, and my passport.  Aren't these all government agencies?  Does the court order mean nothing to these other groups?  Hmmmm........

#2 - like my timeline photo above?  I do!  It is weird in changing your hormones.  At first all I wanted was the mental benefits of changing them, now that I have those, I want the physical changes too!  Have you ever seen a female to male trans individual who goes on testosterone? T is a pretty strong drug.  So is E, however it's effects tend to be stronger on individuals who have not had any hormones in their body before.  T on the other hand has profound effects on pretty much all bodies.  No it cannot un-grow breasts or reduce hip size, but it can cause body and facial hair, as well as a deepening of the voice.  Those few things are huge gender markers!  Huge!  Anywho.... E's effects are not always as noticeable.  Thus I love comparing my old favorite photos to my new favorite photos.  That is where I see the most changes.  Most people keep saying - yeah you look happier.  Do you know what?  Something else must be happening.  I can't just be getting happier and happier.  Was I happy when I first got the hormones on 7/3/17?  Yes I was!  Am I happier now?  Well life sure is grand, but it can also be quite annoying.  I'm still happy, but happier?  Huh, that's hard to judge.  Just because everyone is saying it does not make it so.  Something else must be happening here people.  And with so many of you refuting that any actual physical change is happening, are you aware of how much that hurts?  Well you do now, so can you please stop?  I'd really appreciate not hearing anymore of how I look the same, just happier. 

#3 - while we are on the happy topic can we please stop telling trans people who chose to transition "well if that is what would make you happy?"  I'd really appreciate if we could stifle that narrative.  Seriously, transition is about far more than mere happiness.  More and more lately when I hear the above phrase all I translate it to is - 'I think you are completely loony and I have no educated idea of what being transgender is all about, but I believe in people having the freedom to do to their bodies what they want, so go ahead and do it to yourself."  Cookies make me happy, transition has finally begun to make me whole.  There is a difference.

#4 - my little honey's foot is healing but not quite healed.  That darn toe bone takes forever to grow!  Hurry up big toe she is getting tired of having to thump around in her boot!

#5 - work is going well.  Surprisingly I have only had to write up 1 student, out of 550, for sexually harassing me.  Little turd!  Oh well, 1 out of 550 is flippin great!

#6 - a super kind reader sent me a little note letting me know that my About page was woefully outdated.  When I read it over I was shocked! Shocked I tell you!  Seriously!  That has now been updated and is truly reflective on where I am at currently.  Though admittedly it is rather long!  I thought it would be a good idea to give some sort of explanation of how I went through a few phases before ending up here at transgender female.

#7 - Eeekkkkk - I'm at the beginning stage of attempting to modify my voice.  It is kind of tricky trying to picture yourself and be perceived as female when you clearly sound like a male.  I am fond of saying that I pass fairly well, until I open my mouth, then it is shot to shit!  So....I'll keep you updated on how that all rolls!

Hmmmm........ I think that is about it peeps!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love love!

Friday, November 2, 2018

My Outfit - Bold Red Booties

Jacket - Guess - Similar @ Amazon
Top - WHBM - Similar @ Amazon
Skirt - WHBM - Similar @ Amazon
Booties - Xappeal, Alexa - @ Rack Room Shoes Similar @ Amazon
Tights - Target - Similar @ Amazon
Belt - Target - Similar @ Amazon

The last time I was outlet shopping I was in shoe heaven.  I was in a place called Rack Room Shoes, at the Tejon outlet mall in California, near the Grapevine, if you know the area.  Anywho, I had found about 3 pairs of lovely feeling boots when I spotted this bright red beauties.  I really didn't think they would be work appropriate, but I have not purchased much in the way of fashion shoes lately, so I went for it.

Generally where I live there is no nice place to shop.  Many of my friends get annoyed with me as my preferred activity when I visit them is to shop!  They often roll their eyes at me, and lament that I am too into shopping and I need to get out and do other things with my time, and especially our time together.  The harsh truth of where I live though is that there are no nice places to shop.  Even the places that often carry high end clothes, like Macy's, do not offer those nicer products in my area.  It is really sad actually.  I feel bad for people who do not have the means to travel far from where we live to find those nicer products.  It is really sad when you consider that this same policy holds true for food as well.

Well then..... I had these super cute booties waiting in my closet and yesterday was the day they made their first appearance to the world.  And I'm not 100% sold on how I wore them.  They certainly popped with this outfit, but the white tights may have made them pop a bit more than I was really wanting them to.  Without the jacket on they do look a bit out of place.  Hmmm..... sometimes to be fashionable one needs to take fashion risks.  I don't know how fashionable I am, but I do know I take risks with my clothes.

Another risk I often take that my wife just does not approve of?  The white tights.  They really rub her the wrong way.  However, I will say she is not a leggings, tights, jeggings, stretch pants, type of girl anywho.  I mean, she thinks they are fine on some others, but not for herself!  I have noted that she tends to be a bit more discriminating than I in these types of leg coverings.

Alrighty, that's it!  I'm outta here!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love red booties!

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Gatekeeping, Ignorance, Transphobia

Do you know what gatekeeping is?  Here is an acceptable definition:

the activity of controlling, and usually limiting, general access to something.

How exactly does that apply to trans folk?  Normally it is interpreted as - you cannot do this thing, take hormones or have surgeries, until you have met the following predefined characteristics.  Those characteristics are outlined within WPATH's(World Professional Association for Transgender Health) SOC (standards of care.)  The SOC have never been an issue for me until recently.

About six months ago I had a pretty big panic attack when my pharmacy told me they would not be able to refill my spironolactone scrip due to being out of that medication, and further more they had no idea of when they were going to be getting anymore.  Admittedly I was going to a very poorly run CVS, but still!  They advised me to start calling around.  Which I immediately did.  My panic levels slowly rose with each phone call and denial I received.  If you don't know, it is the spironolactone which keeps me from absorbing that wonderful, naturally produced steroid called testosterone.

Pretty much no one, especially me, wants me operating on testosterone ever again.  It is not a pretty scene.  Anywho..... after a multitude of phone calls and a few in person visits, I finally found a pharmacy willing to work with me, who calmly explained that they would easily fill the script, just with a different manufacturer's version of the drug.  Whew!  Close one.

But it drove the point home, that it radically pisses me off that I am not in control over my own body.  I don't naturally produce the hormones that I should, and further more, my very own body is constantly in a battle to poison me with that nasty testosterone!  (I get that if you like it T can be just as awesome as E, as long as that is what you are wanting and expecting.  I also understand that T is not a poison, I'm just stating it for dramatic effect!)

Okay, so super long prelude to discuss something that many of you may not wish to read about - So this is your fair warning part - if you would rather not read about personal intimate surgeries, then go no further as this is exactly what will be discussed - and it will involve those private of privates, genitals!

Are you sure you want to proceed?

Really sure?

Okay, but don't tell me I didn't warn you!!

I want to have my testicles removed.  There, I said it.  Yeah, I know, thrilling.  Well actually for several people in my life, this decision kind of freaked them out.  Me?  Nope, I've been wanting it for awhile now.  My wife, nope, she totally gets where I am coming from and is in full support of me.  However, some others?  Not so much.

Whatever..... this procedure, if you don't know, is called an orchiectomy.  It is a fairly small procedure, which lasts about an hour and can be done either under a general or a local anesthesia.  However, in order to qualify for this surgery, certain hurdles need to be passed.  I have had no issue with passing all of these hurdles, except for one.  Most doctors willing to do this procedure need 3 letters, 1 from my hormone doctor, 1 from my therapist, and 1 from a mental health professional with a doctorate degree.  My doctor readily gave me hers, my therapist is working on hers, but I don't have the third.  My therapist recommended a psychologist who I had heard of.  What transpires is our interaction.

(I did try and remove any identifying information from this person, but if want to know who it is, email me and I'll share it with you personally.)

 Hi  -

I am a transgender middle school math teacher in California.  I have been working with my doctor, Julie Nicole for my hormones, and my therapist Carol Montgomery Brosnac, for about the past year and a half.  Carol is who recommended me to you.  I have been researching doctors to help me with an orchiectomy.  Several of the places I have spoken to are requesting a 2nd letter from a mental health expert and I was wondering if you can help me out with that.

I live in the Central Valley, near Bakersfield, so possibly doing an online appointment would be ideal.  However, I think you are closer to the Bay Area, and it is possible for me to drive on up that way if that is what would be best.  

Please let me know if you are able to assist me with this. 

Thank you!

Dear Kelly

I will be glad to help you with this matter. I am familiar with both
Carol and Julie and feel good about following up on their work with you.

I am open to working with you over Skype. Before we set a date please
read my new client information page
(on her website)  If you agree with the
conditions I have listed there, get back to me with your consent and I
will get back to you to set up an appointment via skype.

My fee is $150 per session. If all goes well, I should have enough
information in one session to feel competent in writing the letter.
There is an additional fee of $50 for my time writing the letter.

Thank you for your inquiry. I look forward to hearing from you.

Dear _______-

Thanks for the prompt reply.  I have read your client information and all seems good.  However, before we proceed to an actual appointment I do have a concern.  While Dr. Nicole and Carol are both in support of me in receiving an orchi, WPATH guidelines clearly state that I need to have been living in my preferred gender role for at least 1 year.  That is the area in which I am a bit fuzzy.  Talking to Carol she said it is a recommendation and in version 8 of the SOC, it may be removed in regarding just an orchi.  Just a brief bit about me - I was convinced that I was non-binary for the past 8-10 years or so.  During that time I went to work, and lived my life in a half and half appearance.  Meaning, everything I wore was feminine, clothes, jewelry, painted nails, using a purse, etc, however I did not have anyone address me as female.  I thought I was doing well until I had a bit of a break down and realized I was not addressing the real issue.  Which of course is that I am actually a woman.  That is when I began hormones.  Which was July 3rd, 2018.  I then let everyone at my job know that I am trans as I had to dispute my employers discriminatory health care policy,  I made an appeal, they denied, I took them to EEOC, we mediated, and as it turns out they are totally legally able to deny my health care benefits based on being a private pay insurance.  Sorry for the long story - it was at that point that I began to pursue my legal transition.  I got my legal stuff done on June 28.  Woo-Hoo!!  Thus I then began this school year with my new legal female name, and had students switch to Mrs. I have decided to make my appearance decidedly much more feminine to help others in my life with the changes.  Oh and yeah, my wife has always known, married for 22 years, together for 32, my sister, my only remaining family has known for at least 10 years or so.  And at this point I don't think there is anyone who doesn't know.

Okie dokie, so now here we are, and I am pursuing an orchi but many places wont even talk to me until I have 3 letters.  Being as you are a WPATH doctor, would you be willing to hear my story and at least consider writing me a letter recommending an orchi, even though technically I have not been "full time" for the 1 year period?  If it helps at all, most likely the orchi would not take place until next June.  

If this is acceptable to you then I would for sure be willing to meet with you.  If not, I'd rather not waste more of both of our time, so please let me know your thoughts on the matter.

Thank you!

Thank you for the informative reply. My first take on what you have told me is why do you want an orchiectomy so early into your transition? Is there a medical need for one--i.e. you can't tolerate large doses of estrogen? If that is the case there would be no one year RLE requirement. Another question...if you are not planning on having the orchi until next June, why do you want the letter now? One of the reasons a letter is required is for the surgeon to know you have been examined by a mental health provider and can make an informed consent to the surgery. Having that examination 8 months in advance does not qualify as timely. He or she may want a more current letter later on. Another you have a surgeon set up for this? Perhaps you have already discussed this issue with him or her and have some sort of agreement.
Having said that, I remain open to seeing you for the evaluation. Keep in mind that the letter would note your state of mind as of the date we see each other and that you will not have satisfied the SOC until June 2019. At that point it will be up to you and the surgeon to decide what  to do. 
Let me know how you want to proceed.

Hi -

1.  Why do I want an orchiectomy so early into my transiton?
I do not consider where I am at to be early into my transition.  Personally I see my transition as having been a long drawn out one.  True, there are those who would view my transition as having just started.  But that view point is highly limited in its definition of transition.  There are those out there that do indeed go from appearing as nothing but one gender and then abruptly change to appearing as the opposite one.  But that is not me.  And that is certainly not how those in my life have viewed me.  I would estimate that my social and professional transition began at least 10 years ago.  That is the point at which I decided to stop appearing as a typical male would.  I began dressing, full time, as a blend of genders.  Pretty much the only difference in my appearance between then and now is that now I wear a wig and makeup on most days as opposed to just some days.  There is the difference as well with having legally transitioned.  But assuming that I am early in my transition erases non-binary entities entirely.  I would more accurately describe this stage of my transition as far closer to the end of my transition than the beginning.

2.  Why do I want the letter now being as I am not planning on having the procedure until June?
Many surgeons will not even have a consultation with me until I have 3 letters.  In fact I am finding it extremely difficult to find surgeons who are willing to work with me as I am only interested in an orchi and that I do not have insurance coverage.  The other issue, I did mention I am a math teacher right?  As such I like to have my "ducks" in a line as much as possible.  Most of the places that have published information on surgeon's desires have stated that for most insurance companies the letters need to be dated within the last 12 months.  Placing my desire to obtain this gate-keeping letter at this point well within that time range.

3.  Do I have a surgeon setup for this?
As of now, no.  However the most promising of my inquiries has been with the TG surgery center in Philadelphia.  Which I finally heard back from late last week.  They actually do not require 3 letters, only 2 for an orchiectomy.  Which would make our conversation here moot.

4.  I will not have met the SOC until June 2019.
Again, I feel that is a very narrow and limited view of what a transition consists of.  Which makes me question why this is the ultimate date marker for me.  Would you consider that to be the official date of living as my preferred gender due to me having received my court ordered name and gender change in June?  As if that is the moment that I began presenting as my preferred gender full time?  So does it negate the one year full time requirement if I chose to not wear my wig and makeup on one or both weekend days?  Personally what this makes me ponder is, do the SOC apply to non-binary individuals?  Or if you are non-binary will you not ever qualify to have any genital surgeries?  One can have breasts installed or removed.  One can have FFS.  But one cannot have their testicles removed unless one is the stereotypical transexual woman and presents as a stereotypical cis-woman does?  So, what if I legally change everything, however I don't present as some think I should, would I not ever qualify then?  

Basically, what I am seeing is a deficit in the way the SOC are applied towards non-binary humans.  The SOC are fine, if you think that gender is a binary and humans are either one or the other.  And that even if I wear women's clothes full time, along with my nails painted, along with using a purse, along with wearing nothing but feminine jewelry, along with telling everyone in my life that I am transgender, that I am somehow less of a transgender human being because I am not conforming to someone else's idea of what gender is.  

As a non-binary human, I went to my job and fought for the rights of all transgender individuals.  I went before a public committee and argued that our company should cover all transgender healthcare procedures.  When that appeal was denied, I took my concern to the EEOC.  I participated in mediation, attempting to have my company's policies changed,  And what I am currently hearing is that even if my company changed their policies, I personally would not have benefited from that change until I presented full time?  

Much of this reeks of a trannier than though attitude.  Those who are deemed transgender enough, by those who are in positions of power, wield that over other individuals in an attempt to get them to conform to their view of the world.  This process does not seem any different than the transphobic attitudes expressed by our current POTUS.  You will express your gender the way I say you should express your gender, otherwise I will not give you the same basic civil rights because I deem you to be somehow lesser.  

I know that I am opinionated, and I hope that I have not personally offended you.  For while even expressing my opinion I am terrified that at some point I will need to return to our interaction and ask you yet again for a letter that I should not have to need in the first place.  Cis-gender humans can have procedures done to themselves without a single letter from either a doctor, or any mental health professionals, they simply need to find a doctor willing to perform the procedure and be able to pay for it.  Should not all transgender human beings be afforded the same basic decencies?  

I will trust that you will remain a professional and that if in the future I will indeed need your services for this letter that you will remain open to working with me.  Thank you very much for your time in this matter.


That is quite a discourse on how you have been discriminated against by the SOC 7 (of which I am a co-author). All I did was ask a few basic questions as to where you were in the course of living your life. What I got back went way beyond that to being insulting. Comparing me to "POTUS", especially after the last couple of days, was beyond my ability to continue to be professionally objective about working with you in the future.

_______ -

Can I remind you of these couple of sentences, "Keep in mind that the letter would note your state of mind as of the date we see each other and that you will not have satisfied the SOC until June 2019At that point it will be up to you and the surgeon to decide what  to do."

That was not a simple ask to a few basic questions.  That was directly informing me that regardless of what transpired during our potential meeting, that June 2019 was the date at which I would be able to receive the procedure I am interested in.  

That was plenty clear.  If that was not what you meant, maybe it should have been stated otherwise.  It is unfortunate that you are unable to remain professional about this matter.  I will allow my therapist to understand that for non-binary individuals that you may not be the best resource to refer people to in the future.

This is why WPATH has gotten a bad rap for being a group of gatekeepers.  However, my therapist is a WPATH therapist and her opinion on the matter is far different than the one expressed by this doctor.  The other thing, if you didn't catch it, is that I found a surgeon willing to do the procedure with only my doctor's letter, and my therapist's.  Thus I luckily do not have a need for this letter.

As well, while closely reading the SOC I discovered that this particular psychologist, who claims to be a co-author of the SOC, is unaware that in Version 7, there is no need for any RLE (real life experience.)  Shouldn't someone claiming to be not only an expert, but a co-author be aware of what the SOC actually says?  I think they should.  Especially when they then attempt to use that as a basis for denying care!  Unreal! 

But isn't the real issue here transphobia?  It is only through a transphobic society that prerequisites are established for how one treats their own body, when it does not conform to expected gender norms.  Now I am not a professional surgery expert, and I certainly do not know everything there is to know about every possible surgery out there.  But with that being said, I also have not heard of any other surgical procedure that requires what transgender genital surgery does.  There are a multitude of prerequisites to be met in order to even be considered for those procedures.

Some of you may think that it is a good thing.  But I will again question you and ask, what other procedures require the consent of 4 people - the doctor performing the procedure, the doctor who gives you hormones, a therapist, and a psychologist?  As well as other requirements.  Look them up if you'd like.  Think this is good?  Then I better start seeing you protest to have similar "protections" put in place for similar cis-gender surgeries as well.  It's not going happen.  Want a facial surgery, go for it, want bigger or smaller or no boobs?  Go for it.  Want your vagina redesigned?  Yup, go for it!  Not one of those things require anything other than your desire and a doctor willing to do it.  Transphobic much?

Okay, I gotta stop!

I love you!

I hope you love yourself!

Friday, October 19, 2018

So I did a Little Thing

One of the easiest things in this process of legally changing my name and my gender was getting this driver's license.  You may recall that I was quite nervous about the process.  In the end, it was super easy and I was in and out of the DMV in about 20 minutes.  Yes I did have an appointment, and I highly recommend making one if you are ever in a need to visit that lovely place.

The super surprising thing about the entire process was that exactly one week later, I received this lovely little piece of plastic in the mail!  Woo-Hoo!  I finally failed sex!  Get it?  I've got the F next to the word sex on there.  Yeah, I know, I'm fricken hilarious!  I did mention that I am a math teacher right?  Anywho..... the DMV worker said that I would receive my new license in about 3-4 weeks, and they killed that time expectation!  Lovely!  Simply lovely!  Thank you Cali DMV!

Oh, and I also think that my picture is pretty good as well.  I mean it does look as though my eyes are half closed, but heck I still look pretty darn cute, so I'll take it!  I also like that they were not so closely zoomed in on my face that you can actually see a bit of the dress I have on.  Woo-Hoo!  Now I'm just hoping that when I go in for the Real ID that they don't make me take another photo.  Crossing my fingers!

So now, onto the massive pain in the ass, my birth certificate.  Yup this little lovely came only one day after I received my driver's license.  When did I first send away for it?  July 11th.  Yeah, so that made it about 3 months to complete this mission.  It shouldn't have taken that long, but it did due to an error that I made.  Yup, I was kicking myself!

Initially I sent it off, like I said, on July 11th.  It was returned to me about 5 weeks later, and I was thrilled, until I opened the letter and discovered that I had made an error.  It said something along the lines of - mother's name at birth, and what they meant was mother's maiden name.  That would have made it clear.  Like a fool, I did what it said instead of what it meant.  They returned it, with my mother's name corrected and told me to resubmit it.

I mailed it back the very next day with the corrections having been made.  Five weeks later, I had nothing.  Sometime in the sixth or seventh week, I noticed that they cashed my check.  Woo Hoo I thought, they will be sending it to me any day now.  Alas, there was no such luck.  It took another two to three weeks for them to actually send it to me.

For me, the absolute weirdest part was that when I received both of these items, one day apart, I was not nearly as thrilled as I thought I would be.  I was happy, but not absolutely ecstatic, over the moon happy.  I actually had to tell myself to be happier.  What was the issue?  I was having my period.  Yeah, I know, not possible right?  Well, I did have a pretty major adjustment in my hormone levels at the start of last week.  My doc doubled my spiro dosage.  My T was still too high.  I think that hormone adjustment put me into a bit of a funk.

Whatevs, right?  Well for me it was as within a week I was absolutely thrilled to have gotten these two giant checkmarks off my list.  The driver's license was huge actually because that was what I was waiting for to begin pretty much all of the rest of the changes.  Now, I'm making a list and checking it twice for every last little instance of my previous name.  It will probably take quite some time for me to find every occurrence, but I will get there eventually.

In the end, if this is a course you are taking, make sure you do not make ANY errors on the birth certificate application.  That's my one piece of advice, oh and be prepared at the DMV and be willing to explain the process to whomever is attempting to help you as you may very well have to explain to them how to do it.  Yeah, that was funny for sure! 

Oh, and another super cool thing, I actually composed this blog yesterday and when I got home what was in the mail?  My new credit and bank cards!  Yay!!  Super YAY!!!  That means that pretty much everything in my wallet is now with my correct name!  That is super FUCKING AMAZE BALLS!!!  Oh, geez, oops, did I just let an F bomb fly?  YES! Yes I did!  I even yelled it right?  Yup, that happened! 

Okie dokie!  Love you!

Love yourselves!

Work hard to get yourself what you need! 

Care about the other's in your life.  But take care of yourself so that you are able to care for others. 

It's important.



Wednesday, October 3, 2018

My Outfit - Off to the DMV

Dress - White House Black Market - Similar @ WHBM, @ Amazon
Leggings - WHBM - @ WHBM, Similar @ Amazon
Booties - Unisa - Havana @ DSW, Similar @ Amazon
Scarf - WHBM - @ WHBM, Similar @ Amazon

I had waited far too long.  My court date to legally change my name and my gender was on June 28th.  My plan, which was wonderful, was to get my birth certificate and then get my new license.  Doing it in that order would allow for me to get one of those new fancy Real ID thingies.  You know, that ID that you will need if you want to board a plane, starting in October of 2020.  Yes that requirement is a ways off, but why go through the joys of visiting the DMV now, just to have to do it later??  Yeah, I'm no fool, so I sent off for my birth certificate.

Ah such well laid plans!  You know how this is going to turn out don't you?  Well you should!

Anywho..... I sent off for my new birth certificate on July 11th.  Yes I waited about a week or two between the court date and the mailing of my forms.  But remember, that was also the time at which my wife had her foot surgery.  So, I tried to cut myself some slack.  Five weeks later, I got back a letter from the CDPH (California department of public health.)  They were returning my application as it had been rejected due to an error on my part.  The place that says mother's name at birth, actually meant, mother's maiden name.  Silly me!  Why did I not understand what they meant instead of what they wrote.

Oh well!  I refilled out my application, and mailed it off again.  Within a day or two, or so, I got a letter from the DMV.  It turns out that my license will be expiring on my birthday, October 4th.  Which basically meant, I had about 8 weeks for the CDPH to receive my application, and then send me my new birth certificate before I would need them.  Plenty of time, right?  Yeah, no.

Lots of words to say, I visited the DMV yesterday to get my new license!  These photos show what I chose to wear for my day.  It actually started off with me going to my OB/GYN for my 6th month check up and blood work.  That was in the morning, so I made the DMV appointment for that afternoon.  When my doctor saw me, she mentioned that she thought my outfit was on point!  Which of course made me glow even more.  Love my doc!

I began this post with stating that I felt as though I had waited too long.  Yeah, unfortunately the birth certificate did not come, and I was not able to fulfill my original quest, that of the Real ID.  But in hindsight, I think that I was using that to avoid something I was super worried about.  It turns out that I have a little bit of an inner issue, I am terrified that someone along the way in this whole transition journey is going to tell me that I can't.  Can't what?  Can't be who I know that I am.

It is sort of like that shark in my swimming pool thing that I wrote about recently.  Logically I know that it is not going to happen, but I fear it so.  This was not something that I consciously realized prior to standing in the DMV and realizing that I was shaking.  I had shown up on time for my appointment, checked in, completed an online form, received my number, and was waiting for my number to be called.  Everything had gone smoothly, and I was pretty sure that I had all of the forms I would need to complete the job.  However, as I stood there, leaning against a counter, I realized just how terrified I was.

Realizing I was shaking with fear and doubt, I pulled out my handwriting practice paper and began to sign my name.  Have I ever mentioned that I am practicing my handwriting?  Well I am.  It has of course been one of those life long gender issues.  As a child I never practiced my writing, why should I when my teachers calmly explained to me that boys could not write as well girls due to a lack of fine motor control.  It never occurred to me to challenge their incorrect assumptions about gender and actually just practice my writing!  Well, phooey on them I say, and now 40 years later, I am actually taking the time to practice!

I stood and signed my name over and over, trying to control my breathing, and force my hand to slowly and calmly form the newly learned strokes.  I was having a tough time.  My signature was certainly shaky.  Far more shaky then it was when I wasn't terrified about some unforeseen impending doom.  Within minutes my number was called and off I went to find my window and enlighten the next individual who was going to be bound to helping me be me.

Not surprisingly the DMV worker had not performed a name and gender change before.  No worries, I talked him through it!  Yeah, seriously!  I informed him of the paper work that was needed as I handed it to him.  He tippity tapped on his keyboard, went and consulted with a more experienced worker a few times, made me some copies, had me verify everything, then gave me a temporary license to sign.  With that, he asked me to step over to the camera.  With a thumb print, a signature, and a flash, boom, I was done at the DMV!  And out I walked, no longer in possession of an incorrect male license, but with my brand new license with everything correct on it for the first time in my life.

Yeah life changing.  Seriously.  It is funny how when I finally accomplish something like this, I realize just how long I have been waiting for it.  Prior to doing things like this, I fairly confidently lie to myself that these things don't really matter.  But then I do it, and I can almost literally feel weights dropping off my shoulders.

Now, I have my court order, my SSN is updated, my driver's license is updated, and today I sent off my info to have all of my banking and insurance documents changed.  I am still waiting my for new birth certificate, but they have cashed my check so that is a good sign.  One day everything will be done, but for today I will be thrilled with what has been done.

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Have you tied looking for those things which have annoyed you for so long they have become normal?  It's worth the look.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

My Outfit - Be the Queen

Top - WHBM - Similar @ Amazon, @ WHBM
Leggings - WHBM - Similar @ Amazon, @ WHBM
Shoes - Unisa - Similar @ Amazon, @ DSW 
Belt - ?? - Similar @Amazon

Do you know that I adore this tunic?  Well I do!  And today I felt like a queen.  Does it show on my face?  It should!  Seriously, I really like this outfit.  I had to go visit CVS after work to determine when my next refill of anti-asshole meds were going to be refilled.  As well, I needed to make sure that both of my meds are now being handled by a much more efficient CVS.  Thrilling, right?  I know!  Anywho.... I caught my reflection in the glass doors of the CVS, and marveled at my style.  I know, I'm SO modest, right???  Ahahahahahahaha!!  That's a good one. 

It does bring up a good point though.  If you have been a reader of this blog for just about any length of time you may very well be aware of the almost crippling doubt that I have suffered with.  And if you are brand new here, well a quick primer for you - yeah, believe it or not, I've kind of doubted myself a bit of the years.  It's kind of a thing among the transgender community, and actually it's a thing among most of the population. 

Oh, right.... the point!  That would be I am making serious progress on improving my self image!  That whole, estrogen and anti-testosterone thing with the meds and all has helped.  But what has helped even more, is actually freeing myself from my own self imposed restrictions.  Like, it's only okay to be myself around these people or in these situations, and I really can't let those in these other places know the truth about me.  Being able to give myself the freedom to be myself, and to trust that other people are actually good decent humans that really only want to experience connections with others, has been absolutely life changing. 

Today, I did the usual, I went to work and taught my little heart out to my middle school lovelies.  It was a short day and we had a teacher work session for a couple of hours in the afternoon.  The work thing went great.  I went to CVS, that went great.  I went to Lowes, and that went great.  All it all, it was a super normal, and yet totally awesome day that left me smiling and savoring the beauty in the small simple things. 

Slowly, bit by bit, I notice that how I view myself is changing.  I've never thought that I was all that becoming of a human.  After years of my wife telling me that I was good looking, I finally began to acknowledge that I wasn't completely horrible as a dude.  However, when I started actually dressing as me, I knew for a fact that I was a super uggo of the 10th degree as a woman.  All I could ever see was what made me look like a man.  And that sucked.  It clouded my vision immensely.

It is not as though the estrogen has taken hold of me and warped my face magically into a super model.  Yeah, no.  No no.  Nope.  Can I say again, no?  However, there is something different about my appearance that is kind of hard to pinpoint.  Keeping my face shaved, wearing all of my lovely clothes, and makeup almost every day has seriously helped as well. 

So, um, yeah.  Today I saw my reflection and dare I say it?  I thought I actually looked cute.  Fine!  I said it!  There you go. 

Love you!

Love yourself!

Seriously, love yourself.  Find what you need to do to believe you are the queen.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

1 Regret, Some Could Have Done Betters, And Lots of Glad I Dids

About 6 months ago.

I will be the first to admit that my transition has not gone the way that I expected it to.  My whole life has been spent picturing people chasing me down with torches and pitchforks.  I know that would never happen, but as well I am the type that is afraid of a shark biting me when I jump in my pool.  I know that it isn't real, and I know it is not ever going to happen.  But that doesn't make the fear go away.

What does?  Facing those fears.

This has been a long slow event for me.  I see that now.  Some part of me must have known what was coming because while some may say my easy transition is due to luck, I see now that much of it was due to hard work.  Much of that work was done by those who have come before me.  They are the ones who endured much of the vitriol that is born of ignorance.  They are the ones who helped to open the door.  Me?  I'm just taking advantage of that opening.

There are many things that I am glad I figured out, a few things that could have been better, and really only one thing that I have absolutely regretted.   

Glad I figured out:

Name - I have been through a few of them.  I couldn't imagine having the first female name I used on all of my legal records.  Nope.  SO glad I figured out the name thing.

Clothes - 28 days at work, how many outfits do you think I have repeated?  Zero.  Yup, zero.  Do you read this blog at all?  Have you seen my clothes?  It is as though I have been preparing to be out at work for the last 10 years.  I have been so thrilled to be out as me and not only not worry about my clothes, but to have my clothes bring me strength.  It is funny.  I have said before that my clothes are my friends, and I feel as though my friends have finally come out to play in the real world. Can you guess my favorite clothing store?  White House Black Market anyone!!!

Community connections - Yeah, this is another biggy.  A real biggy.  This has been central to the easy transition I have had.  If not for the support of the people in my life, I would not be able to do what I have done.  It is not merely that people are supportive, it is that I took the time to build community connections prior to coming out.
Eeeek!!!  So glad I learned!!

Hormones - This one was life changing for me.  It really opened my eyes to my reality.  I laugh at who I thought I was prior to last July and changing my hormones to the right ones.

Therapy - Have I mentioned before that I love my therapist?  Well I do!  Not merely because she is my therapist, but because she is a specialist with gender issues.  Her listening ear and gentle guidance has been so lovely!

Makeup - I started with getting foundation from Target or Walmart.  It functioned, but it didn't make me feel like a queen.  Now?  I love that I have had the last ten to fifteen years of my life to practice with this stuff.  Practice is necessary.  Who do I use today?  A combo of Clinique and Urban Decay, mostly just UD

Hair - my first wig cost probably about forty bucks.  My latest?  About four hundred and fifty bucks.  Why pay so much?  Because it rocks!  Currently I have three main hair pieces.  They are all by Jon Renau and in a large size cap for my large noggen.  Amber - long and curly.  Zara - long and straight. Cameron - short and straight, and the most expensive due to the hand tied lace top cap.

A sense of humor - This is important.  There is a certain reality to my situation.  I was born with a male body, bummer for me!  People like people who smile.  Smile more.

The world does not revolve around me being transgender - When I first started going out in public, I was sure that every little laugh, every mean look, every rude person, was doing that because I am transgender.  When in reality more than 99.9% of the time none of that had anything to do with me.  Some people laugh. Some people have weird looks on their faces.  Some people are rude.  And that is just how they are, and they would be that way regardless of how I chose to dress.  The worst that I have seen from humanity was while I was presenting as a male.  The best I have seen from humanity has been while I am me.
Ahhh..... that hair!!!

What could have been done better:

Shoes - I wish I had invested more time in finding cute, all day wearable, functional shoes!  This has been hard as it is a super weak link in my outfits.  Shoes I thought would be wearable really are not when you are talking about being on your feet for oh, 8 hours a day, walking circles around your classroom.

Bras - Good wearable bras, that are good for the entire day, day after day, yeah, I should have spent more time on this!

Legal name change - I got the court date and social security number done with prior to going back to work, but I wish I had gotten it all done.  I'm currently on Birth Certificate.  Then onto Driver's License.  And lastly will be Passport.  Well actually, after the DL, then I will start doing everything else - bank, bills, utilities, you know all that stuff?  Yeah, I wish it was done.

Some sort of functional scheduling system - Since I switched to estrogen my memory has gone to crap!  Seriously!  It used to be so easy to pretty much remember everything, always, for all time!  Now?  Yeah, not so much!

My one regret:

Electrolysis - Wow, I wish I had finished this up long before I decided to go full time.  It really would have been mentally much easier to have had that done by now.  Too bad for me that even though I read this advice, I thought it would never apply to me!  Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  Ahh well!

Well then, there ya go!  That is my 1+ month reflection of being full time at my job.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Good luck!