Wow, really, it has been two years? Hmmm..... how did that happen? In many ways, it is surprising to me that two years have passed since I first changed my hormones. It feels as though the time has flown by and that it can't possibly have already been two years. I have felt great and it has done nothing but cement in my mind that this trans stuff is totally real!! I know, little Mrs. me, forever doubtful of the reality staring back at me in the mirror.
Something that has made it seemed as though the last two years have super dragged by though is the few amount of physical changes I have bee experiencing. As I am becoming much more clear on my realities of actually being a woman, I am also becoming far more aware that my body is not that of a typical woman's. It's a hard thing as I don't hate my body, I don't feel as though I was born in the wrong body, and yet, I'm not thrilled by having a more typical masculine body. Clothing makes me feel awesome as I can use it as camouflage. Nudity, yeah, not so awesome feeling. Not horrible feeling, just not awesome feeling.
Though..... having changed my hormones has for sure affected my brain and my body for the best. Mentally the changes have been profound. My life finally makes sense to me. Okay, maybe not entirely, but enough so, that it has allowed me to feel the best I have ever felt. Being able to look back on things that have occurred and finally understanding them is so empowering and relaxing, I love it!
I also do love all of the physical changes that I have experienced. Few as they may be, they are all super appreciated. What sorts of changes have I experienced? Drum roll please......... well, can we chat about the photo at the top of the page? Wow! I could not tell you at all what has happened to me, but something sure as shit happened! I am shocked to see those three photos together. Okay, so in my opinion at least, I think that my face is appearing more feminine, and for that I am eternally grateful. I really am.
Okay, what else..... small amounts of breast growth. I definitely have breasts, though they are little. That is the word my wife and I have decided on for their current descriptor. It is hilarious though as back in 2015, I was actually able to create better "fake cleavage" than I am able to create real cleavage now. It has something to do with how breasts sit on the chest wall compared to pectorals muscles. Yeah, funny. Well, I find it kind of sad funny, but hey let's stick with funny! That'll be more fun, right??
Other than that there has been some fat redistribution to my butt. My butt is currently the largest it has ever been. And yes, I know. I have been keeping body measurement records since I was about thirty. Weird huh? Maybe. However my wife and I lost quite a bit of weight back then and I stuck with measuring my body ever since. It has been super handy in being able to see if any physical changes have actually been occurring. So the measurements don't lie, and blue jeans don't lie either as they are definitely to fit my butt into!
Hmmm...... anything else I can think of?????? Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm...... oh, skin softening and less body hair. My skin is slowly becoming thinner and softer. It is also drying out a bit. It has always been super thick and oily, all over, but that is no longer the case. My chest hair is basically gone. That could be due to the home IPL I used for a bit, and I know that some of it is from my most recent electrolysis appointments, but I think most of the loss was from changing my hormones.
In asking my wife, she reminded me that I have had muscular changes also. My muscles are far less defined than they were before. And they are far less capable! Maybe it is just me and my lack of knowing how to properly work this new endocrine system, but wow! I really notice the lack of testosterone acting as a steroid upon my muscular system. My muscles are less big, less strong, they have less endurance, and a longer recovery period. So, yeah, that happened.
Okay, so.... I am thrilled at what changes I have had thus far. It is way better than I could have ever hoped for by simply changing my hormones. But...... did you feel the but coming???? I have some concerns. I actually already stated that I have some doubts about what's been happening with me physically. Not doubts about transition, gads no, doubts about if something more might be able to happen.
I explained my concerns to my therapist and coincidentally she happened to have lunch with a well known hormone providing doctor in Southern California about a day or two before. I actually got my initial doctor because of my therapists referral, the two of them are friends. And while my therapist and I both adore my current doctor and consider her to be a friend, she describes herself as a baby-catcher. Meaning, she is first and foremost an OB/GYN. Secondarily she also enjoys and is knowledgeable with working with the trans community. My therapist and I both came to the conclusion that maybe it might be best to try and work with a hormone provider who has that as their primary focus, and are not quite so distracted with baby-catching. She suggested that I call the doctor she had met for lunch and just see what she had to say. Thus it was that I setup my appointment towards the end of June.
The doctor was great and had easily garnered my trust within the forty five minute appointment we had. I basically told her my life story, I know, how did I manage within a 45 minute period? It was rough! Especially with Jodie in the room to color the story as well. Anywho...... by the end of the appointment I had decided to change my hormone provider to her.
She had a couple of appointments to do online and asked us to wait around, to which we gladly agreed. Within about thirty minutes, her appointments done, I was laying down on her exam table with my hip exposed. She was preparing to inject estrogen pellets under the flesh of my butt. Scary! Well, for me it was terrifying for sure! But, I had just had my orchiectomy at the begging of this month and talk about a pretty terrifying and major body modification! Ha! With the pellet implants I will eventually only have them injected 2 to 3 times per year. Which is far better than replacing an ineffective patch every four days.
Oh, did I say ineffective? Yeah, I did say that. Well....... in my new doctors opinion, I have been a bit estrogen, and progesterone, starved. For one, I have not been on progesterone. This doctor's research is that it will either help, or not, but you don't need to wait more than a few months to begin taking it after starting with estrogen. Speaking of estrogen..... her preference, what has been shown to work best with her vast number of trans clients, is to have estrogen levels vastly higher than what I have had thus far.
She suggested that all of the physical changes I have had thus far could possibly be due to simply not having testosterone. It is a fascinating thought to think that maybe everything that has happened to me has had nothing to do with estrogen. Her suggestion is to basically give me about five to six times the amount of estrogen I have been getting. Which is a huge increase and quite intimidating to someone who has been listening to her previous doctor extol the vertues of a low estrogen treatment plan. But over the last two years estrogen has become my best friend! Which is why, I allowed her to place the estrogen pellets into me. At the very least, I won't have to remember about patch-day anymore, and at the most....hmmmm...... who knows? I do know that right now, a week later, I feel great! And I have no patches on!
I find myself, on my two year Estro-Versary, happily reflective and thoughtful about the future. Two years ago, I was not ready to be where I am today, I had not learned enough. Now, I'm thrilled about the choices I have made, and I am a better person because of them. Regardless of what does, or does not, happen, I am thrilled with who I am.
As well, I am so thankful to my community. At one point that was only my wife. Through putting time, effort, energy, persistence, and dedication into myself, educated me about who I really am. That knowledge gave me the strength to be brave, despite my doubts. Bit by bit, person by person, I slowly came out, and lovingly, my community grew. Family, friends, acquaintances, therapists, doctors, bosses, coworkers, students, parents, college professors, total strangers, and vast groups I am sure that I am forgetting have all been folded into my community. The level of support I have received from all has been shockingly amazing and I will forever be eternally grateful.
So, uh, yeah, there ya go!
Love each other, it matters!