Wednesday, September 12, 2018

1 Regret, Some Could Have Done Betters, And Lots of Glad I Dids

About 6 months ago.

I will be the first to admit that my transition has not gone the way that I expected it to.  My whole life has been spent picturing people chasing me down with torches and pitchforks.  I know that would never happen, but as well I am the type that is afraid of a shark biting me when I jump in my pool.  I know that it isn't real, and I know it is not ever going to happen.  But that doesn't make the fear go away.

What does?  Facing those fears.

This has been a long slow event for me.  I see that now.  Some part of me must have known what was coming because while some may say my easy transition is due to luck, I see now that much of it was due to hard work.  Much of that work was done by those who have come before me.  They are the ones who endured much of the vitriol that is born of ignorance.  They are the ones who helped to open the door.  Me?  I'm just taking advantage of that opening.

There are many things that I am glad I figured out, a few things that could have been better, and really only one thing that I have absolutely regretted.   

Glad I figured out:

Name - I have been through a few of them.  I couldn't imagine having the first female name I used on all of my legal records.  Nope.  SO glad I figured out the name thing.

Clothes - 28 days at work, how many outfits do you think I have repeated?  Zero.  Yup, zero.  Do you read this blog at all?  Have you seen my clothes?  It is as though I have been preparing to be out at work for the last 10 years.  I have been so thrilled to be out as me and not only not worry about my clothes, but to have my clothes bring me strength.  It is funny.  I have said before that my clothes are my friends, and I feel as though my friends have finally come out to play in the real world. Can you guess my favorite clothing store?  White House Black Market anyone!!!

Community connections - Yeah, this is another biggy.  A real biggy.  This has been central to the easy transition I have had.  If not for the support of the people in my life, I would not be able to do what I have done.  It is not merely that people are supportive, it is that I took the time to build community connections prior to coming out.
Eeeek!!!  So glad I learned!!

Hormones - This one was life changing for me.  It really opened my eyes to my reality.  I laugh at who I thought I was prior to last July and changing my hormones to the right ones.

Therapy - Have I mentioned before that I love my therapist?  Well I do!  Not merely because she is my therapist, but because she is a specialist with gender issues.  Her listening ear and gentle guidance has been so lovely!

Makeup - I started with getting foundation from Target or Walmart.  It functioned, but it didn't make me feel like a queen.  Now?  I love that I have had the last ten to fifteen years of my life to practice with this stuff.  Practice is necessary.  Who do I use today?  A combo of Clinique and Urban Decay, mostly just UD

Hair - my first wig cost probably about forty bucks.  My latest?  About four hundred and fifty bucks.  Why pay so much?  Because it rocks!  Currently I have three main hair pieces.  They are all by Jon Renau and in a large size cap for my large noggen.  Amber - long and curly.  Zara - long and straight. Cameron - short and straight, and the most expensive due to the hand tied lace top cap.

A sense of humor - This is important.  There is a certain reality to my situation.  I was born with a male body, bummer for me!  People like people who smile.  Smile more.

The world does not revolve around me being transgender - When I first started going out in public, I was sure that every little laugh, every mean look, every rude person, was doing that because I am transgender.  When in reality more than 99.9% of the time none of that had anything to do with me.  Some people laugh. Some people have weird looks on their faces.  Some people are rude.  And that is just how they are, and they would be that way regardless of how I chose to dress.  The worst that I have seen from humanity was while I was presenting as a male.  The best I have seen from humanity has been while I am me.
Ahhh..... that hair!!!

What could have been done better:

Shoes - I wish I had invested more time in finding cute, all day wearable, functional shoes!  This has been hard as it is a super weak link in my outfits.  Shoes I thought would be wearable really are not when you are talking about being on your feet for oh, 8 hours a day, walking circles around your classroom.

Bras - Good wearable bras, that are good for the entire day, day after day, yeah, I should have spent more time on this!

Legal name change - I got the court date and social security number done with prior to going back to work, but I wish I had gotten it all done.  I'm currently on Birth Certificate.  Then onto Driver's License.  And lastly will be Passport.  Well actually, after the DL, then I will start doing everything else - bank, bills, utilities, you know all that stuff?  Yeah, I wish it was done.

Some sort of functional scheduling system - Since I switched to estrogen my memory has gone to crap!  Seriously!  It used to be so easy to pretty much remember everything, always, for all time!  Now?  Yeah, not so much!

My one regret:

Electrolysis - Wow, I wish I had finished this up long before I decided to go full time.  It really would have been mentally much easier to have had that done by now.  Too bad for me that even though I read this advice, I thought it would never apply to me!  Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  Ahh well!

Well then, there ya go!  That is my 1+ month reflection of being full time at my job.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Good luck!


  1. TY! You will never know how much you and your posts have helped me!

    Clare B.

    1. You are welcome Clare! Glad I could help in whatever way I have.

  2. Great post, Nadine. I hope you will expand on the Hormones paragraph. I'd love to know more about your experience.

    Best Wishes,


    1. Thanks Stana. I will try and write more about my experience with switching hormones. It really has been life changing and I am so grateful I went this direction.

    2. Hi Kelly, you're obviously doing well! ;-) An excellent post. It must truly be an emotional experience to "officially" change your given name. How does it feel? Cathartic? Sadness? Elation? 'D', All of the above? Likely irritation as well with bureaucracy in general... Wishing you well. Hugs, Tanit

    3. Hi Nadine,

      Amen on the shoes! One of my "challenges" are my rather large feet (M13/w15). There is not a lot of choice in this area...I was (sorta) counting on Shoes of Prey as you could order up to womens 15 extra wide for about $150 a pair. Now they are "restructuring" their business model :o( I just hope they don't die out completely. Long Tall Sally has some, but they tend to run's hit and miss.

      When did you start noticing HRT changes? I have been on spiro and patches for about 5 weeks and it SEEMS my skin may be a little softer. Whatever road rage I had is gone...I get cut off and I really don't react anymore. I also feel the "weepy moments" come on for TV commercials! Ha ha

      Keep on plugging away on the transition ...there are those of us who are right behind you. :o)


    4. I agree with you on the hormone part in particular. My path became very clear once I started estrogen therapy.

    5. Hi Tanit - Yes there is irritation at the bureaucracy of it all. Shouldn't it just be that once you have your court order everything just changes?? I think so! Other than that, at first there was sadness in losing a part of me that has been there for so long. Now, just absolute elation every time I hear my name. So.... I love it!

      Hi Kathi - I am so sorry about your shoe lament. That really sucks. You seriously have my sympathy. I could not imagine what people with sizes larger than mine, 11, do for shoes. It is so rare that I see a size 12, let alone anything larger. Even online. I mean, at standard shoe stores. I have not tried to look for larger sizing. Best of luck!!

      I started noticing changes right away from spiro and E!!! Hahahahaha.... well mental ones at least. The physical effects have been super minimal! I mean drastically minuscule! Softer skin was one of the first that I noticed. Followed by slowing of body and facial hair growth rate. It took a good 3 months before I even felt anything with my breasts. Even then it was mostly pain and a pea sized bump. 15 months on now, and physically not much has changed. Sure my breasts are larger, but not by much! I'm still "legal" with my shirt off! Mentally I'm a different person. I mean I'm still the same person, but just a much better version of myself. It's kind of odd to try and explain, but I'm finally able to be who I've always been.

      Marcia - gads, so true!

  3. I really liked this post Nadine, you have an engaging blog … keep it up

    BTW, I have been trying to feminize my voice. I did a research and discovered that it is possible to feminize your voice without another excruciating surgery. I searched around and found this tutorial: (Sorry I don’t know if I am allowed to post links or not). It is a set of easy to follow at home exercises. It looks interesting and the testimonies are inspiring. I like to know your opinion, do you think it is useful? (I did study some research papers and their claim seems legit)

    1. Hi Bobby -

      Thanks for the blog compliments! It is much appreciated!

      Good for you on trying to feminize your voice! I'm impressed. It is an area that intimidates me. Being a teacher my voice is such a part of how I work, I'm afraid to mess with it! Though I do experiment at times, mostly while singing while I'm alone in the car! But I have also at times tried to think about it as I am working.

      I think that any program can be helpful if you stick with it and practice. I am not familiar with the particular one you posted about, but I will check it out for sure. My opinion is that voice therapy is sort of like dieting. Which one will work? The one you actually can stick with! Often times that is what the difference. Find something that you are willing to practice a little bit everyday. Bit by bit you will get better at it and keep in mind the big picture.

  4. I have read through a couple of your posts today and just want to say thank you for your honesty. I am still struggling with many of the questions and fears you have overcome, and honestly do not know what lies ahead for me yet, but seeing a few of your different styles with and without wigs has helped quiet my inner critic a little bit.x