Wow, has it been 6 months already? It seems both short and long. Short because the last 6 months have been so friggin awesome that I honestly have trouble understanding what is going on. But long because I want to know what life will be like for me once I have been on the right hormones for 5 years, or 10, or 20!!
It's funny because in many ways, pretty much almost every single external one, nobody would have any idea at all that I am now operating on estrogen. Internally though I feel like a new person who is trying to figure out how to navigate this world I have built up around me. Someone, I think it was my sister, said to me recently that I am going through puberty again. While I had heard of that idea before, it really struck home this time and my response to my sister was a resounding yes!
Let's get the easy stuff out of the way shall we? My body hair has slowed its growth, nothing major, but I notice it for sure. My skin is drier, especially my face, as well it seems softer and more easily damaged. I am possibly experiencing some reduction in strength and endurance, but that is hard to objectively judge. In terms of body measurements, things are almost exactly the same as when I started. There are some hopeful things like my breasts may be getting bigger and my waist smaller as well my butt may be getting bigger. I say may because it is really difficult to get accurate body measurements over time. There are always small variations in most of my torso measurements, and most of the recent changes have been just that, small variations.
I know for a fact that my breasts are growing. Not because of body measurements though. The measurements are almost exactly the same. As it turns out, before starting this hormone change, I was already a 40B in bra size. Not a chance that I would even begin to fill out a bra that size though. Just one more reason why sizes should be ignored!
Today? I am exactly the same size! Ha! But while I had those measurements at the start of taking estrogen, I never actually had breasts. Now? Now I am getting breasts. They are definitely different than anything I have ever experienced before. What is the main thing? Pain! Ouch! Getting breasts hurts! It hurts bad! I spoke to my wife, and my therapist, who both assured me that it is completely normal and happens to most girls. Wow, I had no idea, but now I have immense sympathy for anyone who has gone through this. Seriously, ouch! As far as looks, my wife and I can tell a difference, but really not much.
Okie dokie. There goes the sum total of the physical aspects that I have thus far experienced. Now, the mental side of things, which I find super difficult to describe well. It's really hard. I've tried several times to explain it to several different people and it never seems to come across well. I don't feel as though I have been able to accurately describe it. Instead of bullshitting around, maybe I should just try and get down to it? Hmm...
I feel like me. An older me. A me that I knew once upon a lifetime but thought had been left behind in the discarded memories of childhood. Now I see what has been there all along. I mean I've known about my transgender leanings since at least age 12, but I was never as clear about them as I am now. Things that have been so confusing for me are now so clear. I finally make sense to myself. I had heard of the idea of having a female brain, but never really understood what was meant by that, and now I do.
See? Words are failing me in my futile attempts to describe what is happening to me. There just is no way to accurately describe to anyone else what this experience is doing for me. Faith is all anyone else has to go on. Faith that I know what is right for myself.
Have faith fellow humans. Faith in others and faith in yourselves.
Have faith in yourself and others will follow.