Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Quitting Estrogen? Hell No!

I'm curious, after getting your driver's license did anyone ever ask you, hey, have you ever thought about what might happen if you decide to stop driving?  What will happen to you?  Have you thought about all of the possible ramifications of continuing to drive?  Did you make sure to keep your bike and your bus pass? 

How about getting your teeth fixed?  Did anyone tell you to be careful of what you were doing when you got braces?  Or how about getting a cavity fixed?  Did anyone warn you that in a year or two you might change your mind about having that root canal?  You know, because maybe instead you decide that you would prefer to go through the daily pain of having rotting teeth stuck in your mouth. 

Jules tells me that I have a knack for absurd analogies.  I think they are funny.  Often the way that I see it is, if you can carry your reasoning into, through, and beyond the absurd, and it stills sounds reasonable, then maybe you have something there.  Often people will be able to offer an explanation that works for the small stuff, simply because the small stuff is insignificant, but when you apply it to bigger issues, it falls apart.

Okay, even I now think I am rambling!!  The point being that many people have asked me about the ramifications of being on estrogen for the long term.  They seem to be very concerned, entirely for my benefits alone, about what being on estrogen will do to my future ability to produce testosterone. 

It's a shame that in order to answer this question I need to attempt to predict the future, and I am seriously trying to stop doing that.  But I will attempt to put myself out there and say, I can't imagine anything occurring that would ever make me want to stop doing this.  I mean really why?  Why would I?  Why would I want to return to such a dark dreary world filled with angst, anger, irritation, and annoyance? 

Here is another analogy, I remember growing up with black and white TV.  Maybe my TV was color, but I remember shows like The Andy Grifith Show, that only aired in black and white.  Did anybody ever ask you if you thought about making sure that you could go back to a black and white only TV once you bought a color one? 

Sound absurd?  Maybe, but really that is a fair analogy to how I feel.  With estrogen the world is filled with colors of all hues, while for me, the testosterone world is black and white.  So, yeah, I suppose that yes I have at least pondered returning to that world and it terrifies me.  It fills me with such dread that I am beginning to ponder how to make these changes more permanent. 

Seriously.  Me and Testosterone did not mix well.  I don't want to go back.  Ever.  I know that I am trying to retire from predicting the future, but I cannot imagine anything that would make me want to go back to living that way. 

To actually, directly answer your question, yes I have thought about what will happen if I stop taking estrogen.  As far as I have been told, and from what I can research, here are the permanent effects of taking estrogen:
1 - sterility - though ha! I've had a vasectomy, so what the shit do I care?
2 - breast tissue is permanent - though they may deflate some if one chooses to stop taking estrogen.  However if you read my last update you will know that my breasts happen to be the exact same size now as they were when I started.

And that is about it.  As for most of my friend's concerns, my ability to continue to produce testosterone, that will come back as long as I posses testicles.  I'm not stopping the testosterone from being produced, I am stopping it from being absorbed.  The difference is that many of my friends are only familiar with stopping the T from being produced from such things as taking steroids.  With that, the testosterone producing capabilities can be permanently stopped.  For me though, that is a big nope.  Which unfortunately also means a lifetime on an anti-androgen, unless I somehow misplace my testicles! Ha!

Do you know what people should be more concerned about?  Female to male transgender people who begin taking testosterone.  Wanna talk about permanent effects? 
1 - facial hair
2 - possible sterility
3 - deeper voice
4 - genital enlargement
5 - balding

T is a mighty drug.  I don't like it, nor am I appreciative of the effects it had on me for 45 years.  But hey, if that's your thing, then enjoy the shit out if it! (To quote my wife's therapist!)

So uh, yeah, there you have it.  That is what I know of that will happen if I continue taking estrogen and decide one day to stop.  But seriously, nobody wants me back on testosterone.  Seriously.  Nobody.  Well, nobody should want me back on T!  Apparently many people are questioning themselves if estrogen is an appropriate treatment for me.  Funny.  Interesting.  And mildly annoying.  But really, the most important person, me, I don't want me back on T.  The second most important person, my wife, she does not want me back on T.  So really the only people who really matter do want me back on T, so guess what?  It ain't happenin' peeps!

Which by the way, brings up another very common thing for people to say to me, "Well yeah, but what about Jules?  How does she really feel about all of this?"  This post is too long and rambling as it is.  That topic will just have to wait until next time my little blog-a-renos! 

Love you!

Love estrogen!

Well, love me on estrogen!


Love yourself, even if that means taking T, if that is what you need to do to love yourself, then go for it! 



Sunday, January 7, 2018

My Outfit - Tall Maroon Boots

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Boots -  Unisa  - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
Jacket - Max Studio - Similar

Do you love the boots?  I do.  I don't think I have a very good picture of them though.  Hmm... let me see if I can figure one out.

Awesome huh?  Well I think so!  That was why when I was last shopping at DSW in Dublin, CA, and ran across these beauties, I was so thrilled when I found them in my size.  Furthermore, they actually fit!  Wow!  Glory be to the holy shoes!  I mean I love suede, and I love boots, and I love maroon, so what is not to love about these?  Seriously, I really like them.

I chose to wear these to one of the sessions with my counselor, who really likes shoes!  I think she said she had somewhere between 100-200 pairs?  Maybe my memory is a bit off, but I do know that she really likes shoes!  She told me that she is a firm believer in "shoe therapy."  I mentioned it to my wife who kind of lightly scoffed at the idea but reconsidered when I pointed out that if it is something that truly makes you happy, you can afford it, and it doesn't hurt anybody else, isn't it kind of a good thing to do for yourself?  Just as anything along those same lines would? 

She had to admit that I had a point.  Of course, maybe it was all just a ploy for me to justify buying another pair of yummy boots?  Hmm, maybe.  No, no, no.  Seriously, I don't need to justify to her anything that I want to buy, nor does she.  And I do think that shoe therapy is a real thing, a real good thing.

Okie Dokie.  Thanks!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love really awesome shoes that make you feel like a million bucks!


Wednesday, January 3, 2018

6 Month Update - My Life On Estrogen

Wow, has it been 6 months already?  It seems both short and long.  Short because the last 6 months have been so friggin awesome that I honestly have trouble understanding what is going on.  But long because I want to know what life will be like for me once I have been on the right hormones for 5 years, or 10, or 20!! 

It's funny because in many ways, pretty much almost every single external one, nobody would have any idea at all that I am now operating on estrogen.  Internally though I feel like a new person who is trying to figure out how to navigate this world I have built up around me.  Someone, I think it was my sister, said to me recently that I am going through puberty again.  While I had heard of that idea before, it really struck home this time and my response to my sister was a resounding yes!

Let's get the easy stuff out of the way shall we?  My body hair has slowed its growth, nothing major, but I notice it for sure.  My skin is drier, especially my face, as well it seems softer and more easily damaged.  I am possibly experiencing some reduction in strength and endurance, but that is hard to objectively judge.  In terms of body measurements, things are almost exactly the same as when I started.  There are some hopeful things like my breasts may be getting bigger and my waist smaller as well my butt may be getting bigger.  I say may because it is really difficult to get accurate body measurements over time.  There are always small variations in most of my torso measurements, and most of the recent changes have been just that, small variations.

I know for a fact that my breasts are growing.  Not because of body measurements though.  The measurements are almost exactly the same.  As it turns out, before starting this hormone change, I was already a 40B in bra size.  Not a chance that I would even begin to fill out a bra that size though.  Just one more reason why sizes should be ignored!

Today?  I am exactly the same size!  Ha!  But while I had those measurements at the start of taking estrogen, I never actually had breasts.  Now?  Now I am getting breasts.  They are definitely different than anything I have ever experienced before.  What is the main thing? Pain!  Ouch!  Getting breasts hurts!  It hurts bad!  I spoke to my wife, and my therapist, who both assured me that it is completely normal and happens to most girls.  Wow, I had no idea, but now I have immense sympathy for anyone who has gone through this.  Seriously, ouch!  As far as looks, my wife and I can tell a difference, but really not much.

Okie dokie.  There goes the sum total of the physical aspects that I have thus far experienced.  Now, the mental side of things, which I find super difficult to describe well.  It's really hard.  I've tried several times to explain it to several different people and it never seems to come across well.  I don't feel as though I have been able to accurately describe it.  Instead of bullshitting around, maybe I should just try and get down to it?  Hmm...

I feel like me.  An older me.  A me that I knew once upon a lifetime but thought had been left behind in the discarded memories of childhood.  Now I see what has been there all along.  I mean I've known about my transgender leanings since at least age 12, but I was never as clear about them as I am now.  Things that have been so confusing for me are now so clear.  I finally make sense to myself.  I had heard of the idea of having a female brain, but never really understood what was meant by that, and now I do.  

See?  Words are failing me in my futile attempts to describe what is happening to me.  There just is no way to accurately describe to anyone else what this experience is doing for me.  Faith is all anyone else has to go on.  Faith that I know what is right for myself.

Have faith fellow humans.  Faith in others and faith in yourselves.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Have faith in yourself and others will follow.