It's a fascinating thing, sitting back and attempting to observe yourself. I once had a boss tell me that I had the most accurate self reflections of anyone he had ever met. That really pleased me. For if there is one thing that I have constantly striven to do, it has been to have an accurate picture of who I am. Thinking of that line now, I have to laugh. For if I was actually accurate in my self reflections, wouldn't I have seen the writing on the wall long ago, and started taking hormones way, way, way, back?
Possibly. Who knows? Who knows why we arrive at the locations we find ourselves? Maybe I'm only on hormones now because of the path that life has led me on up to this point? I mean, isn't that an obvious thing? If life had not led me here, then I wouldn't be here? Oh gawd!! What is up with me this morning? Ahh!!!!
Ponderables. That is what is up with me this morning. As of late, I find myself reacting differently than I have ever reacted in the past, and it is down right odd! A lovely odd, but odd nonetheless! I mean I have seriously worked hard to see myself, to see who I am, to see how I interact with the world around me, and I really thought I had a pretty good bead on things. I was pretty sure that I knew how I would react in various situations, so it is odd to no longer feel the ways I have felt for so many years.
The main thing I am pondering this morning is the vast amount of anger that I have carried around with me since at least puberty. The longer that I go taking hormones, the more I am leaning towards, some part of me knew that I was not supposed to get testosterone, and when I did, it began messing with me in very serious ways.
It's a tough thought for me though. (side bar - I love the English language an it's weirdness! Tough, thought, though! Ha-Ha-Ha - those words are so weird strung together!! Okay - on with the show!) I really thought that the reason I was angry was that I grew up in a really negative household with lots of stress, strife, and oodles of anxiety. Yes, I know I really did not have it bad off compared with many others who struggle for basic life necessities, but still, growing up in a household where there is nothing but anger and yelling, and fighting, pretty close to every day of one's life, can really mess with a human!
There were also a million other little things going on in my house. My sister being repeatedly sexually abused, me having been sexually abused, my mother having a brain tumor, and eventually a brain aneurysm, my father being the typical type of male who loved people so much but was so terribly insecure about it all that he had to throw his hatred out vast and wide to push people away first, and some of his favorite one-liners having come from his time in the marine corp, like - I will not be treated like a PFC in my own home! If you don't know - a PFC is a private first class. Apparently a nobody in the military!
So, um yeah, having come out of those family dynamics with half a brain, and still able to function in society fairly decently, it didn't really surprise me much that I was terribly angry. I mean it is a completely logical thing to assume would happen, isn't it? Though it did always feel weird. It never really felt like it was me. I always kind of felt as though I was so close to someone that had a constant nasty dust cloud surrounding them, that I too became covered in dust. All that I really needed to do was to figure out how to remove all of the dust! Easy, right?
Well apparently not so much. For I remember the first pangs of super anger back when puberty was first hitting. And I have lived with those feelings ever since. Oh sure, I have been able to wrangle more control of the situation, most of the time. But really, any control I could muster came at great personal efforts, and it was a tenuous control at best. Truth be told, I often felt like a powder keg with a lit fuse, and all I was ever able to do was to extend the fuse. I was never able to extinguish it.
And that is what I feel as though I have been searching for - how can I shake off that dust, how can I extinguish that fuse, how can I have been raised in that house, under that regime, and not be an angry bitter asshole? I have searched and searched and tried numerous things, but the older that I became, the more resigned to my fate I became as well. Which is terribly unfortunate. I had always kind of assumed that the further I made it into my own life, and away from my father, that the calmer I would get, until one day, I would no longer be saddled with this terrible burden. It sounded like a good theory, but the problem was it just never seemed to actually be working!
So can you imagine my surprise that it has now been 5 months since I have been taking female hormones and testosterone blockers and I have not experienced a feeling of explosive anger yet? In the past, I have been able to go some time between temper tantrums, but it was generally through some seemingly well thought out plan and some supreme will power. This time, no major plan, no massive amounts of will power, just a little patch, and two tiny daily pills.
Damn! I mean really. Seriously, it is totally tripping me out.
Take yesterday as an example. A situation arose, that in the past has really irritated me. A colleague came to me and told me he thought I had been rude and disrespectful towards him. Normally this would kind of fire me up. Generally I would handle the immediate situation with grace, but would be left with lots of unresolved anger. This time, I looked at the guy and told him something along the lines of "OMG, I am so sorry that you felt that way!" And I totally wanted to go over and give him a hug and pet his back in a calming soothing manner. It almost made me giggle in the moment, except for I knew that would send this alpha male in a tale spin that I would never be able to pull him out of. Instead I soothed the savage beast and left with him thinking we were now seeing eye to eye. The largest amusement to me was when I reflected back upon the incident throughout the day and today as well, each time I was surprised to find myself giggling about it. That is totally new. Generally I would reflect about something like that and end up all fired up and quite pissed off! This time I have reflected and giggled about ten times! In fact I can't stop giggling about it. It is so frickin amusing to me it is totally comical!
That is just one teeny-tiny example of how my outlook on things have changed. I am not expecting miracles. In fact I am anticipating that in any possible upcoming situations I just may very well loose my shit. But it hasn't happened yet. And it is very odd. Again - a lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!
I have watched myself for at least 35 years getting entirely way too angry. And now, without trying to, without a massive plan, without attempting to solve the problem, it seems as though this incorrect application of hormones has been my problem all along.
It is things like this that have made me really look at myself and reexamine what I thought I knew.
I no longer think I should have been attempting to play the hand I was dealt. I think I should have folded, left the table, and gone and found a new game long ago!
It really is a fascinating thing sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.
Observe yourself more!