Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Play The Hand You Have Been Dealt?

It's a fascinating thing, sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.  I once had a boss tell me that I had the most accurate self reflections of anyone he had ever met.  That really pleased me.  For if there is one thing that I have constantly striven to do, it has been to have an accurate picture of who I am.  Thinking of that line now, I have to laugh.  For if I was actually accurate in my self reflections, wouldn't I have seen the writing on the wall long ago, and started taking hormones way, way, way, back?  

Possibly.  Who knows?  Who knows why we arrive at the locations we find ourselves?  Maybe I'm only on hormones now because of the path that life has led me on up to this point?  I mean, isn't that an obvious thing?  If life had not led me here, then I wouldn't be here?  Oh gawd!!  What is up with me this morning?  Ahh!!!!

Ponderables.  That is what is up with me this morning.  As of late, I find myself reacting differently than I have ever reacted in the past, and it is down right odd!  A lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!  I mean I have seriously worked hard to see myself, to see who I am, to see how I interact with the world around me, and I really thought I had a pretty good bead on things.  I was pretty sure that I knew how I would react in various situations, so it is odd to no longer feel the ways I have felt for so many years. 

The main thing I am pondering this morning is the vast amount of anger that I have carried around with me since at least puberty.  The longer that I go taking hormones, the more I am leaning towards, some part of me knew that I was not supposed to get testosterone, and when I did, it began messing with me in very serious ways.  

It's a tough thought for me though. (side bar - I love the English language an it's weirdness! Tough, thought, though!  Ha-Ha-Ha - those words are so weird strung together!! Okay - on with the show!)  I really thought that the reason I was angry was that I grew up in a really negative household with lots of stress, strife, and oodles of anxiety.  Yes, I know I really did not have it bad off compared with many others who struggle for basic life necessities, but still, growing up in a household where there is nothing but anger and yelling, and fighting, pretty close to every day of one's life, can really mess with a human!

There were also a million other little things going on in my house.  My sister being repeatedly sexually abused, me having been sexually abused, my mother having a brain tumor, and eventually a brain aneurysm, my father being the typical type of male who loved people so much but was so terribly insecure about it all that he had to throw his hatred out vast and wide to push people away first, and some of his favorite one-liners having come from his time in the marine corp, like - I will not be treated like a PFC in my own home! If you don't know - a PFC is a private first class.  Apparently a nobody in the military!  

So, um yeah, having come out of those family dynamics with half a brain, and still able to function in society fairly decently, it didn't really surprise me much that I was terribly angry.  I mean it is a completely logical thing to assume would happen, isn't it?  Though it did always feel weird.  It never really felt like it was me.  I always kind of felt as though I was so close to someone that had a constant nasty dust cloud surrounding them, that I too became covered in dust.  All that I really needed to do was to figure out how to remove all of the dust!  Easy, right?

Well apparently not so much.  For I remember the first pangs of super anger back when puberty was first hitting.  And I have lived with those feelings ever since.  Oh sure, I have been able to wrangle more control of the situation, most of the time.  But really, any control I could muster came at great personal efforts, and it was a tenuous control at best.  Truth be told, I often felt like a powder keg with a lit fuse, and all I was ever able to do was to extend the fuse.  I was never able to extinguish it.  

And that is what I feel as though I have been searching for - how can I shake off that dust, how can I extinguish that fuse, how can I have been raised in that house, under that regime, and not be an angry bitter asshole?  I have searched and searched and tried numerous things, but the older that I became, the more resigned to my fate I became as well.  Which is terribly unfortunate.  I had always kind of assumed that the further I made it into my own life, and away from my father, that the calmer I would get, until one day, I would no longer be saddled with this terrible burden.  It sounded like a good theory, but the problem was it just never seemed to actually be working!

So can you imagine my surprise that it has now been 5 months since I have been taking female hormones and testosterone blockers and I have not experienced a feeling of explosive anger yet?  In the past, I have been able to go some time between temper tantrums, but it was generally through some seemingly well thought out plan and some supreme will power.  This time, no major plan, no massive amounts of will power, just a little patch, and two tiny daily pills.

Damn!  I mean really.  Seriously, it is totally tripping me out.  

Take yesterday as an example.  A situation arose, that in the past has really irritated me.  A colleague came to me and told me he thought I had been rude and disrespectful towards him.  Normally this would kind of fire me up.  Generally I would handle the immediate situation with grace, but would be left with lots of unresolved anger.  This time, I looked at the guy and told him something along the lines of "OMG, I am so sorry that you felt that way!"  And I totally wanted to go over and give him a hug and pet his back in a calming soothing manner.  It almost made me giggle in the moment, except for I knew that would send this alpha male in a tale spin that I would never be able to pull him out of.  Instead I soothed the savage beast and left with him thinking we were now seeing eye to eye.  The largest amusement to me was when I reflected back upon the incident throughout the day and today as well, each time I was surprised to find myself giggling about it.  That is totally new.  Generally I would reflect about something like that and end up all fired up and quite pissed off!  This time I have reflected and giggled about ten times!  In fact I can't stop giggling about it.  It is so frickin amusing to me it is totally comical!  

That is just one teeny-tiny example of how my outlook on things have changed.  I am not expecting miracles.  In fact I am anticipating that in any possible upcoming situations I just may very well loose my shit.  But it hasn't happened yet.  And it is very odd.  Again - a lovely odd, but odd nonetheless!

I have watched myself for at least 35 years getting entirely way too angry.  And now, without trying to, without a massive plan, without attempting to solve the problem, it seems as though this incorrect application of hormones has been my problem all along.

It is things like this that have made me really look at myself and reexamine what I thought I knew.

I no longer think I should have been attempting to play the hand I was dealt.  I think I should have folded, left the table, and gone and found a new game long ago!

It really is a fascinating thing sitting back and attempting to observe yourself.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Observe yourself more!

photo credits:'em_Hole_Cards.jpg

Monday, November 20, 2017

My Outfit - Super Comfy Leggings!

Top - Max Studio - Similar
Leggings - ?? - Similar
Boots - Nine West - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

It is really too bad that I can't remember who made these leggings, for they are wondrous!  I really like them!  They were a purchase that I made this past summer when I went on the Alaska cruise.  We pulled into some port, which I can't remember either!  Possibly because they sell recreational MJ there, so that could have a bit to do with my memory lapses!  Ha! 

Anywho....  while we were there shopping around I purchased two things that I wore throughout much of the cruise.  One of which are these super awesomely warm leggings, and another is a cowl neck hoodie.  They were both more than I would normally pay for clothing items as they were actually retail prices!  Yikes!  But the thing is, they are both great pieces of clothing!

That is how I think I really should shop.  Purchase some things occasionally, that are of nicer quality.  Then they actually look good, and will last for more than a season.  Hmm.... sounds good, I wonder if I can keep my binge shopping urges in check?  Maybe. 

Though I will say that as of late, my urges to purchase mad amounts of clothing has certainly lessened.  I really should get around to updating you all on my hormone therapy progress.  One of these days, maybe!  Ha! Again!

Oh I did want to mention that when I purchased these on the cruise, I totally wanted to wear them, but was super paranoid about wearing leggings while in guy mode.  Do I even possess such I thing anymore?  Guy mode?  Hmm.... maybe.  Well okay, I think that regardless of what I wear, unless I take the time to wear makeup and I wig, I am perceived by the general public as a male.  So I suppose that would be my guy mode huh?  Anywho..... I was paranoid about wearing these leggings, but I totally went for it!  And they are so super comfy!  Loved it!  And obviously no one said a word to me about it.  And I even had family on board this ship with us!  And what happened because of it, um.... I was super comfy!  And happy with myself for pushing my own boundaries. 

On the day that I took these photos, I wore this outfit to go see my therapist, who is frickin awesome, btw.  I don't know I mentioned it or not, but I really like my therapist.  I also really liked this outfit.  I have not worn this top with leggings, but it totally worked.  At least I thought it did!

Okay, gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love warm yummy comfy leggings!  Yay!

Sunday, November 12, 2017

My Outfit - Making It Work

Tank - Guess - Similar
Skirt - H & M - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Booties - Madden Girl - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

This top has been hanging in my closest for quite some time.  I think it has remained there, despite not wearing it very often, because I really like the color.  Well that and it shows off my boobs quite nicely.  But when I put it on this past Saturday, low and behold, it decided to morph into a top that barely even covered my boobs!  Yikes! 

That was certainly not the look that I would ever go for!  I mean seriously, it is not like it didn't fit a little bit, it didn't fit a lot!  It was so bad, that I wondered why I even purchased it!  This particular top is purchased by your breast size.  When I first purchased it, it was fine, then within a short bit, it was stretched, but I could make it work by using some double sided tape.  But seriously, this past weekend, no amount of tape would ever work! 

Instead, I obviously wore a tank underneath.  I thought that possibly it looked a bit ridiculous, but according to Jules it worked!  I still like the color and as well, with the black tank peeping out, it worked with the black of the skirt and leggings. 

Oh I don't know if you can really see my booties or not, but I love them!  I got them about a month ago as sympathy shoes.  Yup, sympathy shoes.  I was sick, and my sinuses hurt, and my stomach was in super pain due to a bad reaction to some antibiotics.  So on the way home from therapy, I rewarded myself for dealing so well, with a new pair of shoes!  Yay!  Yummy!  Shoes!!

Love you!

Love shoes!!

Monday, November 6, 2017


My therapist called it numb on her Facebook post, and it really made me think, yeah that is what I am these days towards mass murder, numb.  It is so super sad.  I haven't really known how numb I have become to these horrid crimes until this past visit to Las Vegas.  I know I have written quite a bit about my two to three day trip to Las Vegas.  Apparently it was a moving event for me.  Somethings I expected, other's I did not. 

What I did not expect was the dawning realization of what a turd I was towards people that I consider to be good friends, Vivian and Edward.  I have written about them quite often here.  They were some of the first ones that I ever came out to.  They were definitely the first ones to see me dressed as a woman, other than my wife, and the thousands of strangers who have seen me.  They were for sure the first friends and one of them was the first coworker.

And yet, when the mass shooting happened in Vegas, did I call?  Did I text?  Did I have a moments thought about whether or not my good friends were okay?  Not really.  Oh sure, I can put it off as, I know Edward does not like country music, I knew that Vivian had ripped off most of her toenail and was receiving or at least in need of medical assistance, I knew that Edward was also not in Vegas, or at least I thought he wasn't there.

But still, those are all just such bullshit excuses for not reaching out and connecting with people that I care about.  And for that, I am so sorry.  I don't know how often they read my blog these days, but if you two are still reading occasionally, know that ever since it occurred to me, I have felt like a SUPER SCHMUCK!

And today was the day, while reading my therapist's post about feeling numb towards mass murders, that I realized, holy shit!  That is exactly where I am.  I am totally numb to mass killings.  Wow, that is so sick!  I mean even this past weekend's horrors, I was just like, hmm.... well.... yup.... that'll happen.  Wow, that is so fucked! 

I suppose on many levels, it is a natural reaction, as there is not much any of us can do about those situations.  Some people are just messed in the head and for some who-the-hell-knows-why reason, they feel the need to go out in a blaze of horror taking as many innocents with them as they can.  It is truly sick and twisted, but seriously, what can we do?

I know the least that I could have done is to call my friends and let them know that I was thinking of them.  Not cool that I didn't.  So not cool.  I'm pretty bummed with myself for becoming that desensitized to such horrors of the world.  True I cannot stop them, but I can at least reach out and offer comfort to those who have been placed into such shocking events. 

Love you Vivian and Edward.