It not estrogen, it’s me on estrogen, that’s what I would have said, if I could have one of those brains that actually thinks in real time. For me though my thoughts often come hours, day, months, years, or even decades after the fact. Things are constantly replayed within my mind, over and over, on endless loops, with me trying out different responses to see how they fit and pondering their implications.
Lately it seems as though more often than not, my most immediate responses are along the lines of “cool, whatever.” Because seriously, for me, it is like, “whatever.” Like, that particular thing that is going on is so inconsequential and irrelevant to my here and now, that it really doesn’t make one bit of difference to me personally. Hmm…. wow, that sounds a bit harsh, no? A little bit like I don’t really care all that much? Hmm…. okay, well maybe that is not the best way to start off this particular post, but then again, maybe it is actually the best way to start off this post.
So…. maybe this may be a bit harsh sounding with that prelude… but let’s give it a go, shall we? Okay so then….
I was hanging out with my good friends, Vivian and Edward, the same couple of the recent post about going out for a spa day, and the conversation was somewhat floating around me and estrogen.
The comment from my friend that stuck with me, that I have been twirling around in my head, came from Vivian, and it was something along the lines of “I am disputing your so called reported effects of estrogen.”
I’m not quite sure if she knew how much those words stung. People in my life often tend to see me as being so filled with confidence, that nothing that is ever said bothers me. Of course, most don’t know about my deep seated paranoias. I keep them fairly well disguised. So I think that part of me responded in my head with some smart ass remark along the lines of “well, goodie for you!!” Or some such shit.
It’s good that I didn’t respond then actually, as now I have been able to pull my head out of my own self centered butt for a little bit and see, she was not actually talking about me in the least. She was clearly talking about herself. I am quite sure, she was well aware of that. But me, nope I didn’t catch that at all. All I caught, was, what? What? WHAT????
In my mind, I flipped out a little. Okay, possibly more than a little. Maybe quite a bit.
Okay, anywho….. Since then I have been able to see that for her, estrogen has apparently not been a friend. It is a part of her that she seems to be quite annoyed with. She does not appear to be any part transgender as she seems to be fine with being female, and has no desire to be anything but female. But, and it is quite a but, she really does not appreciate how she sees estrogen as affecting her thoughts. She likes a very orderly and rational existence and does not see estrogen as doing her any favors in those areas.
So for her, estrogen is uncomfortable, and so of course she will dispute any reported positive benefits reported from anyone regarding estrogen.
I get it. I totally do.
But for me, I doubt that people who are not transgender as being capable of really understanding the transgender experience. When I attempt to explain to people what being on estrogen actually feels like for me, I wish they could see between the lines, between all of the evidence that I am reporting to them.
My wife actually explained it best, to Vivian and Edward actually. They said something along the lines of “he seems be more this way or that way, which is different than I have ever seen him,” I absolutely loved her response “no he is just willing to be himself now and to let you see it.”
Yup, that’s about it in a nutshell. Estrogen is not some miracle drug. Have problems in life? Sorry estrogen is not going to fix them. Are you an angry person? Well, just because being on estrogen has made me a less angry person does not for one minute mean that you taking estrogen will make you any less angry. In fact, if you are not meant to operate on estrogen, it could have the exact opposite effect on you actually.
For me, it does not matter that I am on estrogen, it could literally be putting me on testosterone, if I was born a FTM transgender human, that would make me less angry. For it is not being on estrogen itself that has done so much for me in the four short months of being on it, it is being on the right hormone that has done it for me.
I have been on this planet for a bit over 46 years now. True, not the oldest and wisest among us, but neither am I the youngest and most naive. I have experienced quite a bit. Many times I have thought that I had a pretty good bead on things, that I really understood things on a deeper level. Nothing I have experienced before this prepared me for the utter blatant reality of who I am.
I’m not going to say that I have actually been a woman my whole life. But I can say for assurance, that my brain has expected to be operating on estrogen since I have been born. It’s darn near impossible to express it to anyone who has not personally experienced it.
I suppose it could be along the lines of some of those ancestry.com commercials. You know the ones where people grew up thinking they were Italian, and did everything that traditional Italian families do, only to take the test and find out that they don’t have any Italian heritage in their DNA and are actually Armenian? Or some such stuff. Yeah, I could imagine that it might be like that.
So yeah, dispute away. For estrogen is not a miracle drug.
But finally being on the right hormone is indeed a miraculous thing.