Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Marriage is Growing Together
One of the arguments that I have heard from many different gender variant individuals about why they should not tell their spouses is because they don't know what to tell them what they are, like TG or a CD or where they will be in ten years. If this sounds similar in nature to another post I recently put up, it is because it is. In that post spoke at length about not knowing where I will be in ten years in regards to my transition.
That is not what this post is about. This post is really about the idea of marriage. When committing yourself to a marriage, are you doing so to the person that is in front of you right then? With the expectation that they will always remain that person? Like if that person enjoys vanilla ice cream when you marry them, does that mean they will have to enjoy vanilla ice cream forever? And that if they suddenly switch to enjoying chocolate ice cream that your world will begin to fall apart?
Well no, probably not. I mean does anyone really have all that much invested into the flavor of ice cream that their spouse chooses to eat? I think not! Well maybe, but I hope not. Ice cream is not serious. But there are a million little issues that could be more serious within a marriage that could change over a lifetime. What about a job? Or where one wants to live? Or how about having children? Or the number of children? What about one's health?
That last one is a doozy. We humans tend to have a nasty chance of having bad shit happen to our health. What about if one day your spouse is fine, and the next you have to feed them because of a massive stroke? Yeah, shit sure does happen. The point really is, things happen over a lifetime. Nobody and nothing stays the same for long. So what is it when we marry someone? It can't be this expectation that when one marries they are marrying that person and that person will always remain that exact same person. Okay, possibly some do have that expectation, but it is simply naive to believe that.
People change all of the time, some of the things are small and some are big. Admittedly I'm discussing this because I am transgender and people often ask my wife how she is with everything that I am doing. Being transgender is a pretty big thing. It can be a very life changing thing. It is not as simple as what flavor of ice cream one likes.
But then again, if I didn't know that my wife's favorite ice cream had changed from chocolate to vanilla, I'd be quite annoyed. I wouldn't be annoyed because she changed her likes and dislikes, what would bug me is that she didn't share it with me. I would want to know what her favorite ice cream is, because I like knowing about her. I like knowing her likes and dislikes and thinking that I know what those things are.
Which brings me back to my original thoughts, about some gender variant people not speaking with the ones they love about it. Relationships, marriage especially, grow through communication. If there is no talking, there is no relationship, at least in my mind. Yes telling your spouse that you are transgender is a pretty big deal and honestly I have no idea what that would feel like. Yes my spouse obviously knows that I am transgender, but it is not like I never said anything and then boom, came out to her one day, and now everything is perfect between us as we ride off on our white horse in our wedding dresses into the sunset! Ha!
My marriage to my wife has so far survived all of my attempts at understanding my gender variance because every single step of the way I have spoken to her about every last little tiny thing. Trust me, I have spoken to her so much that she has often asked me to stop. Not that she doesn't like me, but that at times I can be more than a bit obsessive about communicating. It is that very communication though that has saved our marriage. We have grown together throughout this all.
When I have made an appointment seeking hormone therapy and she is not just supportive of that, she is wanting the time to go faster until I can actually get them, that is some serious growth! Maybe you don't know, but at one time she was very clear, if I ever start hormones, she is out. Yup, she said that. Now what's up? She wants me to take them. Again, not just supportive, but wanting it to happen. Why the change? Well there is a story behind that as well, but I am going to leave that for another day.
Today, this post, is really yet another plea for spouses to be open and honest with each other. For people in relationships to understand that in order to survive the test of time, being as my spouse and I have been together since 15 and we are now 45, you must work to grow together.
Grow with someone. It makes the garden so much prettier.
Love growing together!