Monday, July 24, 2017
I Wish I Could Just Take A Pill and Feel Better
It was a simple enough confusion, one that I don't blame my wife for making. What I had said to my wife is that so far, the absolute best thing about being on hormones now is how relaxed I feel because I decided to finally do it. She thought that maybe the drugs themselves were making me feel more relaxed, but no, that is not what I feel relaxed about.
Possibly the hormones themselves have had some relaxing effect upon me, but I don't think so. Sure, finally being on the right hormones feels great, but the really relaxing part is no longer pondering IF I am going to go on hormones. Maybe I didn't really know how much I have wanted to go on hormones, Maybe I just didn't want to admit how much I wanted to go on hormones, but now I do know. This has been something that has been on my mind for a very long time.
Some part of my brain has been so occupied with whether or not I should go on hormones it has been driving me quite bonkers. It has not been a huge part of my thoughts, but one of those nagging things that just sort of sits in there and annoys you, like a splinter in your finger. Should I or shouldn't I? That has been the question.
Years ago, I knew that was not the path for me. I knew then, and I still know now that I have no definitive plans on living full time as a woman. I suppose that some part of me had this vision in my mind of who it is that does hormones. They are the people who are intent on living as the opposite gender and doing everything they possibly could to live that way. Real life, full time experience, taking hormones, having as many surgeries as possible, they are an all inclusive package. In many ways I have seen those things as needing to go together in a single package.
Now.... now I don't. Now I see that no one has to do all of those things, people CAN do all of those things, but people don't HAVE to. People can do all of them, or some of them, or zero of them, and none of it is mandatory for how we are inside. There are those of us who know who we are, regardless of what we do.
For me, for now, it is good to be SO at peace with who I am.
Oh and just to clarify, I too would love if I could just take a pill and feel better. This process of mine has been, and continues to be, something that I work hard at. What I feel better about is having made the choice.