Sunday, November 12, 2017

My Outfit - Making It Work

Tank - Guess - Similar
Skirt - H & M - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Booties - Madden Girl - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

This top has been hanging in my closest for quite some time.  I think it has remained there, despite not wearing it very often, because I really like the color.  Well that and it shows off my boobs quite nicely.  But when I put it on this past Saturday, low and behold, it decided to morph into a top that barely even covered my boobs!  Yikes! 

That was certainly not the look that I would ever go for!  I mean seriously, it is not like it didn't fit a little bit, it didn't fit a lot!  It was so bad, that I wondered why I even purchased it!  This particular top is purchased by your breast size.  When I first purchased it, it was fine, then within a short bit, it was stretched, but I could make it work by using some double sided tape.  But seriously, this past weekend, no amount of tape would ever work! 

Instead, I obviously wore a tank underneath.  I thought that possibly it looked a bit ridiculous, but according to Jules it worked!  I still like the color and as well, with the black tank peeping out, it worked with the black of the skirt and leggings. 

Oh I don't know if you can really see my booties or not, but I love them!  I got them about a month ago as sympathy shoes.  Yup, sympathy shoes.  I was sick, and my sinuses hurt, and my stomach was in super pain due to a bad reaction to some antibiotics.  So on the way home from therapy, I rewarded myself for dealing so well, with a new pair of shoes!  Yay!  Yummy!  Shoes!!

Love you!

Love shoes!!

Monday, November 6, 2017


My therapist called it numb on her Facebook post, and it really made me think, yeah that is what I am these days towards mass murder, numb.  It is so super sad.  I haven't really known how numb I have become to these horrid crimes until this past visit to Las Vegas.  I know I have written quite a bit about my two to three day trip to Las Vegas.  Apparently it was a moving event for me.  Somethings I expected, other's I did not. 

What I did not expect was the dawning realization of what a turd I was towards people that I consider to be good friends, Vivian and Edward.  I have written about them quite often here.  They were some of the first ones that I ever came out to.  They were definitely the first ones to see me dressed as a woman, other than my wife, and the thousands of strangers who have seen me.  They were for sure the first friends and one of them was the first coworker.

And yet, when the mass shooting happened in Vegas, did I call?  Did I text?  Did I have a moments thought about whether or not my good friends were okay?  Not really.  Oh sure, I can put it off as, I know Edward does not like country music, I knew that Vivian had ripped off most of her toenail and was receiving or at least in need of medical assistance, I knew that Edward was also not in Vegas, or at least I thought he wasn't there.

But still, those are all just such bullshit excuses for not reaching out and connecting with people that I care about.  And for that, I am so sorry.  I don't know how often they read my blog these days, but if you two are still reading occasionally, know that ever since it occurred to me, I have felt like a SUPER SCHMUCK!

And today was the day, while reading my therapist's post about feeling numb towards mass murders, that I realized, holy shit!  That is exactly where I am.  I am totally numb to mass killings.  Wow, that is so sick!  I mean even this past weekend's horrors, I was just like, hmm.... well.... yup.... that'll happen.  Wow, that is so fucked! 

I suppose on many levels, it is a natural reaction, as there is not much any of us can do about those situations.  Some people are just messed in the head and for some who-the-hell-knows-why reason, they feel the need to go out in a blaze of horror taking as many innocents with them as they can.  It is truly sick and twisted, but seriously, what can we do?

I know the least that I could have done is to call my friends and let them know that I was thinking of them.  Not cool that I didn't.  So not cool.  I'm pretty bummed with myself for becoming that desensitized to such horrors of the world.  True I cannot stop them, but I can at least reach out and offer comfort to those who have been placed into such shocking events. 

Love you Vivian and Edward.

Monday, October 30, 2017

An Outfit for Comfort

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Leggings - White House Black Market - Similar
Shoes - Saucony - Similar

This outfit was what I chose to wear while driving home from Vegas last month.  I knew that I wanted to be comfortable for the drive and thus I wanted to wear some of my favorite things, but still be super comfortable.  I had considered wearing my favorite pair of booties with this look, which seriously would have been lots more fashionable than the pink tennis shoes, but they are just not very comfortable to drive in.  I like them, but the heel is a bit tall and kind of puts my legs in a bit of a twist while driving. 

I was surprisingly emotional on my return trip from Vegas.  I super love being on the right hormones finally.  I really had know idea that I was on the wrong hormones for so long, but I guess it is better late than never to finally figure it out!!  Ha!  Good luck to all the rest of you who might be considering this path!  Seriously.  Good luck.  It is enjoyable, but if I had not been working on my mental state prior to embarking upon hormones this all would have seriously put my panties into a twist! 

Suffice to say for now, I was a bit emotional and needing some comfort on my return trip from Vegas.  This outfit provided exactly what I needed.  Yummy, happy, comfortable clothes.  Yay!  It is really amazing what the right clothes can do in the right situation. 

So um yeah, there ya go!

Love you!!!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

It's Not Estrogen, It's Me on Estrogen

It not estrogen, it’s me on estrogen, that’s what I would have said, if I could have one of those brains that actually thinks in real time.  For me though my thoughts often come hours, day, months, years, or even decades after the fact.  Things are constantly replayed within my mind, over and over, on endless loops, with me trying out different responses to see how they fit and pondering their implications.

Lately it seems as though more often than not, my most immediate responses are along the lines of “cool, whatever.”  Because seriously, for me, it is like, “whatever.”  Like, that particular thing that is going on is so inconsequential and irrelevant to my here and now, that it really doesn’t make one bit of difference to me personally.  Hmm…. wow, that sounds a bit harsh, no?  A little bit like I don’t really care all that much?  Hmm…. okay, well maybe that is not the best way to start off this particular post, but then again, maybe it is actually the best way to start off this post.

So…. maybe this may be a bit harsh sounding with that prelude… but let’s give it a go, shall we?  Okay so then….

I was hanging out with my good friends, Vivian and Edward, the same couple of the recent post about going out for a spa day, and the conversation was somewhat floating around me and estrogen.  

The comment from my friend that stuck with me, that I have been twirling around in my head, came from Vivian, and it was something along the lines of “I am disputing your so called reported effects of estrogen.”

I’m not quite sure if she knew how much those words stung.  People in my life often tend to see me as being so filled with confidence, that nothing that is ever said bothers me.  Of course, most don’t know about my deep seated paranoias.  I keep them fairly well disguised. So I think that part of me responded in my head with some smart ass remark along the lines of “well, goodie for you!!”  Or some such shit.

It’s good that I didn’t respond then actually, as now I have been able to pull my head out of my own self centered butt for a little bit and see, she was not actually talking about me in the least.  She was clearly talking about herself.  I am quite sure, she was well aware of that.  But me, nope I didn’t catch that at all.  All I caught, was, what?  What?  WHAT????

In my mind, I flipped out a little.  Okay, possibly more than a little.  Maybe quite a bit.

Okay, anywho….. Since then I have been able to see that for her, estrogen has apparently not been a friend.  It is a part of her that she seems to be quite annoyed with.  She does not appear to be any part transgender as she seems to be fine with being female, and has no desire to be anything but female.  But, and it is quite a but, she really does not appreciate how she sees estrogen as affecting her thoughts.  She likes a very orderly and rational existence and does not see estrogen as doing her any favors in those areas.  

So for her, estrogen is uncomfortable, and so of course she will dispute any reported positive benefits reported from anyone regarding estrogen.  

I get it.  I totally do.  

But for me, I doubt that people who are not transgender as being capable of really understanding the transgender experience.  When I attempt to explain to people what being on estrogen actually feels like for me, I wish they could see between the lines, between all of the evidence that I am reporting to them.

My wife actually explained it best, to Vivian and Edward actually.  They said something along the lines of “he seems be more this way or that way, which is different than I have ever seen him,”  I absolutely loved her response “no he is just willing to be himself now and to let you see it.”

Yup, that’s about it in a nutshell.  Estrogen is not some miracle drug.  Have problems in life?  Sorry estrogen is not going to fix them.  Are you an angry person?  Well, just because being on estrogen has made me a less angry person does not for one minute mean that you taking estrogen will make you any less angry.  In fact, if you are not meant to operate on estrogen, it could have the exact opposite effect on you actually.  

For me, it does not matter that I am on estrogen, it could literally be putting me on testosterone, if I was born a FTM transgender human, that would make me less angry.  For it is not being on estrogen itself that has done so much for me in the four short months of being on it, it is being on the right hormone that has done it for me.

I have been on this planet for a bit over 46 years now.  True, not the oldest and wisest among us, but neither am I the youngest and most naive.  I have experienced quite a bit.  Many times I have thought that I had a pretty good bead on things, that I really understood things on a deeper level.  Nothing I have experienced before this prepared me for the utter blatant reality of who I am.

I’m not going to say that I have actually been a woman my whole life.  But I can say for assurance, that my brain has expected to be operating on estrogen since I have been born.   It’s darn near impossible to express it to anyone who has not personally experienced it.    

I suppose it could be along the lines of some of those commercials.  You know the ones where people grew up thinking they were Italian, and did everything that traditional Italian families do, only to take the test and find out that they don’t have any Italian heritage in their DNA and are actually Armenian?  Or some such stuff.  Yeah, I could imagine that it might be like that.  

So yeah, dispute away.  For estrogen is not a miracle drug.  

But finally being on the right hormone is indeed a miraculous thing.  

Love you!!


Thursday, October 19, 2017

Little White Dress

Dress - White House Black Market - Similar
Shoes - Naturalizer - Similar

Why isn't that a thing?  I mean, a LBD - little black dress, is totally a thing.  Everybody knows about and talks about a little black dress, but I don't think I have ever heard the phrase, LWD - little white dress.  I personally think it should totally be a thing.  I mean, how cute is this dress?  Totes adorbs!  I really like it and think that white dresses should be just as classic and timeless as black dresses.  True, black dresses often are more universally flattering and fitting for a wide variety of occasions, but still, white could just as easily be the go to color.  Well, as long as you have the right white dress, right?

This is for sure the right white dress!  Of course it is from White House Black Market and I just adore how they make their clothes fit.  They often put seems, stitches, and zippers in just the right places to help hide the problems and accentuate the positive!  This dress has such a universally flattering cut to it with the black stripe cut across the waist in the perfect belt position.  It totally helps for the lower portion of the dress to flare out, giving a nice impression of hips.  As well, with having a zipper up the back it provides for a nice fit across the bust. 

I happened to wear this dress the last time Jules and I were in Vegas for our anniversary.  Jules loves sushi, so while staying at South Point Casino we decided to go downstairs for their super nice sushi place.  I was a bit freaked with wearing such a nice white dress to a place where I may easily drip some soy sauce on my super cute dress, but it all worked out fine and no accidents occurred!  We had a wonderful dinner and a fun night. 

Oh and yes we did go do a bit of gambling after our dinner.  No I did not win anything.  I play stupid games actually.  Especially for someone who knows there math as well as I do!  Ha!  I actually like roulette of all things.  I think the chance and idiocy of the game is fun.  It is especially fun when you have a large crowd playing with people willing to wager larger amounts.  Money comes and go in a blink of an eye.  I always say, I never intend to win, I am simply paying for the entertainment of it all.  If you don't find it fun, don't do it!

Okie dokie! 

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love the LWD!!!

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Penises to the Left and Vaginas to the Right

We were standing in the men's locker room when I began telling Edward that I get it, as a society, we want to separate the penises from the vaginas.  That is the only appropriate thing to do when penises want so desperately to get into vaginas.  At least that is the logic as it was explained to me when I was just a young kid - in order to keep the penises out of the vaginas, we need to have them exist in different rooms.

It all seemed fair enough, but at some point as a child I learned about gay people.  Then I became confused again about the locker and rest room situation.  Why do we need to separate penises and vaginas when it is not always vaginas that penises want to get into and it is not always penises that vaginas want to bump up against?

Nobody was able to give me a fair answer to this question.  Does it mean that we need to have at least four changing and potty rooms?  One for the penises, one for the vaginas, one for the gay penises, and one more for the gay vaginas.  That should cover it, shouldn't it?

Oh damn, we forgot all about the bisexual penises and vaginas.  Shit, what are we going to do about those bit owners?  Shit, shit, shit.  Now we are in a real f'd up situation.  Maybe we could ask them to indicate which gender they are preferring to have sex with right then and then match them up to one of the four existing rooms?

Okay, that is obviously ridiculous, right?  Well this is the conversation that I was having, standing in the penis room, with my friend, Edward this past weekend.  Neither one of our penises were showing by the way!  This past weekend Jules and I went to Vegas and we decided to have a spa day with our friends, another couple.  That day the four of us headed off to the spa.  Two women, one man, and me, (who is currently refraining from gendering myself!! Ha!!) 

A brief conversation ensued on the way to the spa between Edward and my wife.  "Which locker room is ________ (insert male name here) going to use today?"  I heard my wife respond "well he will use the men's room, I think, being as he is presenting mainly as a male today."  I overheard this tidbit of conversation about me and what I really wanted to shout was "I'm right here!"  But I didn't,  instead I responded, rather loudly, "Oh I will be using the penis room.  Because I get it, we need to group all of the penises together."

Thus it was that as we checked into the spa, and we were herded into our respective genital locations, that in my head, I heard someone distinctly saying "penises to the left and vaginas to the right."  Nobody actually did say those words, but I swear I almost did.  I almost said them as it just seems absurd to me that this is what it comes down to - what is between our legs will always determine which direction we will turn at the locker room.

This idea of separation based upon genitals really bugs me, to be honest with you.  It bugs me so much, and actually offends me quite deeply, that I did not particularly care to go to the spa and be herded off to all of the other penises.  Because people, am I a male?  I was wearing a bra.  With a spaghetti strap tank top.  With breast inserts in.  Sure I did not have my wig on.  Sure I did not have makeup on.  Sure I have a penis.  But I am on the big E, estrogen, if you don't know.  And more and more as time passes I am pondering my own gender classification.  But apparently nobody else seems to care that I don't think I fit all that well into either one of the binaries.

But I understand how society works.  I understand that I don't want to make a scene.  I understand that I don't want to embarrass my friends.  I understand that nobody really knows what to do with people like me in situations like that and that everybody wants me to just go along with things so that we can just have a nice day.  I get it.  I have a penis.

So I followed the group norms and headed off to the penis room, where I proudly stood and took off my clothes, showing quite clearly who I am, and what I choose to wear.  Personally I found it quite funny to be standing in the middle of the penis room wearing a bra.  Then, later, after getting a fabu massage, I again amused myself by donning my super cute black and white polka-dot bikini while standing yet again in the penis room.

Was I rudely interrupted at any point by an unwelcome penis intrusion?  No.  Nothing happened.  No unwanted penises trying to invade my space.  I don't know if anybody even really looked at me.  It was a super huge, non-event.

And thus I found myself at the end of the day contemplating the separation of penises and vaginas with my friend Edward in the middle of the locker room.  At the time, there weren't any other patrons within ear shot, only a worker who was slowly folding towels.

Most people don't really contemplate this whole penis vs. vagina issue nearly as much as most of us transgender people do.  I mean it is right in our face pretty much the entire day with wherever we go and whatever we do,  but I suppose their must be some price to pay for happiness right?

Anywho..... I was having fun with this conversation even if my friend Edward seemed a bit uncomfortable with my forthright conversation in front of strangers, even if he was just a towel folder.  I seemed to sum up my thoughts on this topic with stating, I get it, you want the penises separated from the vaginas, regardless of who is attracted to who, apparently that is not important, well then what do you do with somebody like me, who has boobs (well trying to grow them at least!) and has a penis, just which facility should we use?

It was at this point that the room attendant looked up, smiled, and said "I totally agree with you!  It just seems so arbitrary where we place people.  I wish that more people were comfortable with their bodies and that we didn't have to worry about that sort of stuff!"

We all agreed it was a bit silly having these sort of separations and I think Edward was a little surprised.  I don't think he was anticipating getting a response from that worker as he leaned over to me and said "My gay-dar didn't even go off at all with that guy."  Edward is not gay, but he is bi, and discussing it seems to be a bit new for him.

For me though, discussing being transgender is becoming more and more common.  I seem to be discussing it with just about anybody these days.  And the people I have yet to speak with about it, might possibly be having a conversation heading their way soon!

So, um, yeah.  Spas.  I love getting massaged.  I love being pampered.  I hate being told that since I have a penis, I must go into the cattle pen with all of the other penises.

Isn't there a better way to draw lines between us then what genitals are between our legs.  You know what?  Scratch that.  Couldn't we do better as a society if we stop figuring out where to draw lines and separate ourselves from each other?

I'm female, you are male, thus we are different.  We are so different, we need to have special places for our differences.  We need to have special separate rooms just so that we all don't ever forget how different we are.  That what bits dangle, or not, between your legs somehow defines who we are.  Isn't this all just a bit archaic?  How about if I said, if you are white you get to use these locker rooms, but if you are not white, you have to use those locker rooms.  Oh well then, all hell will break loose.  What about if that was the case when we were heading off to the spa and the question of which facility I was going to use came up?  How would it sound then, "oh well which locker room is _______ going to use?  Well he is Hispanic, so he will have to use the non-white room."

Does it sound okay then?  Is it palatable to you?  Or does that leave a nasty taste in your mouth?

How about this?  Maybe just settle on three spaces.  One for the paranoid penis holders who only want to show other penis holders their penises.  A second for the paranoid vagina holders who only want to show other vagina holders their vaginas.  And a third one for all the rest of us who don't give a damn who sees what is between our legs.

My penis does not define me, and I hate whenever someone thinks that it does and forces me to conform to their expectations for what is right and wrong for me.

Love you!

Monday, October 2, 2017

Of Course I Want Boobs

When I am honest I have wanted to go onto hormones for a long time, probably far longer than I ever even realized.  Seriously, these things are great.  I mean, so flipping great, that I am shocked. 

Why?  Because I have grown the largest breasts ever?  Gawd no!  It is laughable actually how little my body has changed.  When I look at other people's transition timelines, mine is a joke!  Well, maybe it is not mine that is the joke but other people's, as it is tough to understand whether or not everyone actually is honest about these things. 

For me.... physically what has happened in the 3 months that I have been taking a serious testosterone blocker, and applying an estrogen patch, has been pretty much nothing.  I have taken measurements every two weeks of most things from my neck down and there has been only one thing that has shown any change at all, my nipples.  Yup, my nipples have gained about 1-2 mm in diameter.  Which is saying a lot actually.  That means they have doubled in size! 

So, um yeah. that is the big change that has happened.  Nipples that are now about 2 mm, when before they were only 1 mm.  Yup people, that mm stands for millimeters if you don't know.  Oh, btw, since it has come up, and this is a major side rant - the US needs to get over our use of standard measurements.  What is it the US and like two other countries?  Yeah, major players in the world.  So US people, get over it the metric system is far better! 

Okay then, so what is up with hormones that is so flipping great? 

Well, my doctor explained it best.  Hormones are like the software that the brain and body runs on and now I can finally see, I don't think my brain was ever supposed to run on testosterone.  Maybe it would have been better though to say Operating System.  Maybe my doc doesn't really understand tech that much, but I do think she meant an OS.  Like you know a Windows machine trying to run on an iOS.  The feeling is difficult for someone to understand if they haven't ever experienced it for themselves.  It is indeed quite weird. 

Try explaining it to a board of eight employees at your job who run the health care appeal board.  Yeah, I'm sure they all totally grasped what I was saying.  Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Seriously, HA!

Okay, well whatevs..... so back to the story at hand.....

So um yeah.  I finally feel like myself, and I never even knew that I ever stopped feeling like myself.  But I did.  I did indeed.  I stopped being me, oh way back, just about when I began getting massive amounts of testosterone dumped into my system due to a little thing we call puberty. 

I never really knew it, but that changed me from the me that I like, to a different me.  A me that I always assumed I had to deal with.  How does one not deal with themselves?  With the fate that they were born with? 

Another way that I could try and explain how I have changed is something that I told my therapist - I no longer feel like a big angry penis. 

So, the angry part.  Since I'm being honest.  I have been angry for much of my life.  Angry at what, being a boy?  Maybe.  But if so I never knew that.  I have not been one of these people who has always known that I have been trapped in the wrong body.  Nope not me.  Anywho.... I have been very, very, VERY ANGRY!  At a myriad of things.  A vast array of differing and petty things.  PEtty now in hindsight, now on estrogen!  Ha!  Okay, so anywho, suffice it to say I've been an angry person.

The penis part..... when testosterone hit me, I began to have intense biological needs to stick it, the big hard it, into just about anything.  Seriously anything.  An apple pie?  Nope, never did that, but I did plenty that I am not about to discuss here.  But the need to get it in, and get off, has been a huge driving (ha) force in my life.  Like a life mission of sorts. 

So...... now, now that the fog is clearing, now I can see just how intense those two aspects of my personality became once testosterone came onto the scene.  But now, now the angry is departing and the penis is becoming friendly.  No longer a driving, surging, need, but now a fun friend that comes about when wanted.

And there you have it.  The some total of my experience with three months on HRT, 2 mm large nipples, and no longer a big angry penis.  If this is all I ever get, I know that it will be the right decision.  I mean sure, of course I want boobs, but if I don't ever get them, I think I will be okay with that. 

Right now, I feel okay with a large number of things that I never thought I would.

Right now, I'm pretty darn happy.

Happier than maybe I thought I ever deserved to be.

Be happy.

Love you!

Love yourself!

You deserve to be happy.


Oh - BTW, the newest picture on this post was from January 2016!!!  Ha!!!  Those are some nice looking boob!  (All shadows and photography tickery I tell you!)

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

My Outfit - Black and White Polka Dots - My Favorite!

Dress - Laura - Similar
Booties - Madden Girl - Similar

This past summer Jules and I were on our Alaska cruise and we pulled into port at Victoria, British Columbia.  We were really unsure what to do as it was a much larger city than we had visited on this trip and we are not super big on large cities.  We chose to just walk the streets and see the sites as pedestrian tourists.  As we were strolling down some nondescript road I spotted a super cute dress in a store window, but alas the shop, Laura, was closed.

We had no idea when the place was going to open as there was indication of store hours.  Maybe it's a Canadian thing, eh?  Ha-Ha, I'm so funny!  Okay, so anywho.... on we walked.  Really we had one idea in mind, to find some sort of British pub like establishment and get some pub food!  We are not experience with that type of food and we heard that Victoria can be known for it.  So we searched and searched.  It didn't really help much that it was about 9 in the morning and our ship was leaving at about 1 or 2 in the afternoon.

 We utilized our technology and found a good sounding place for some grub.  Upon arriving at the location, we were quite dismayed to find it closed.  It was something that had been repeated over and over.  Apparently, cities are not always the most convenient of places!  Feeling a bit frustrated, I convinced Jules that the shop I saw that cute dress in was probably open by now, being as it was after ten.  Thus we walked back towards the mall containing the shop with the super cute dress!

When we arrived there, surprise, surprise, it was in fact open!  And there were happy, friendly sales people milling about, ready and willing to help us!  And further good news, I found the dress I saw in the window, and it was in my size!  Oh good lordy, it was indeed shaping up to be a glorious day!  I took the dress in hand and began perusing the other garments on the racks.  A sales person approached and asked if she could start a fitting room for me.  Which I gladly accepted.

Oh and yeah, there was not a single hint of any sort of weird vibe from these glorious Canadian city dwellers.  I was clearly in mixed presentation mode.  I had obvious boobs, and was dressed in female clothing, but no wig or makeup.  But heck, these people treated me just like any other human!  Wow!  Such awesomeness.  I picked up a couple of other items and with anticipation of the super cute dress, I went with glee into the fitting room.  As well, Jules found a couple of things to try on as well!  It truly was a glorious day!

I went into the fitting room, stripped down, and put on the super cute dress and was instantly disappointed.  Boo-Hiss!  Crestfallen, I stepped out of the fitting room and showed the funky hanging dress to Jules.  While the dress was indeed cute, it was super not cute on me.  Ha!  Ah the perils of trying on clothes!

Oh well, I still had a couple of other options in the room waiting for me.  One of them was just as funky looking on me as the super cute dress and was quickly discarded.  But, this dress, in these photos, was tried on next and a warm glorious rainbow descended down upon me and I thought I heard a angels singing as the dress fell down around me and fit me like a glove!  Okay, a bit of an exaggeration, there certainly was no rainbow or angels singing, but seriously this dress fits like an absolute dream!

As well, it is in my favorite colors, black and white!  And what else, it is polka dots!  And what else, the dots are not uniform!  Oh glorious dress!  Oh and wait, it is stretchy too!  Oh and what else, it is the perfect packing dress as it can be rolled into a ball, pulled out, put on, and it looks fabu!  But wait, there's more, the dots are applied with a puffy type of paint and they produce the most fabulous texture that is so pleasing to run your hands over!  Oh My God!  It is a fabulous dress, and I love it!

Needless to say, everything else got left in the fitting room and this dress was brought to the counter, without a care as to the price.  Okay, well maybe a small care about the price, I mean I'm not about to drop a fortune on a dress, even if it is the most perfect dress in the world.  It wasn't bad, I think it was about 80 dollars, Canadian.  But what was also awesome, Jules found a super fitting beautiful dress as well!  Wow, Jules finding a dress that she likes, and fits well too?  Oh gosh, it was almost too much!

So.... I don't know if Laura is worldwide or just in Canada - a quick Google search makes it appear as though it is a Canadian store.  This store is fabulous!  It has so many cute things in many different sizes, for many different bodies shapes, with reasonable prices!  It is a really nice store with nice clothes and super friendly sales people!  Seriously, this was my highlight of Victoria British Colombia.  If I ever go back to Victoria, you know I am going back to this store!

(I really think Laura should pay me something for this review, don't you? - But seriously, it is a great store that super impressed me if you can't tell!  Ha!  I need to write more!)

Okay, I gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love textured, super yummy, black and white, polka dot, dresses from Laura of Canada!


Sunday, September 17, 2017

Outfit - Hot Pink Sandals

Top - White House Black Market - Similar
Skirt - American Apparel - Similar
Shoes - Kelly and Katie - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
Bangles - Chico - Similar

I planned this outfit around the shoes.  I had purchased them a few months back, well at least a few months back.  Honestly, I can't remember how far back I had purchased these shoes, but I do remember that when I did purchase them, I had to purchase them as they are so darn adorable!  But when I did buy them, it was not quite the right weather for little pink sandals.  So I brought them home and placed them in the closet where they waited for just the right time to bring them out.

But they languished in the closet waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  I kept looking at them and thinking, nope, not today, today is no the right day to wear them.  I think a few times I heard them boo and hiss at me as I passed them over in favor of other more appropriate shoes.

And then, on this day, I said, fuck it!  They have got to be taken out and worn!  They are too darn cute to sit in my closet for the rest of time waiting for the right time!  So out they came!  I actually think that what I paired with them turned out to be a super cute outfit.  Surprisingly I don't know if I have worn this top a great deal either.  It is something I purchased and thought was cute but never found just the right time to wear it.  But with this outfit, it works really well!

The skirt is one of my all time favorite items, a simple sheath skirt with a small slit up the back.  It is nice and tight and super stretchy.  So it gives me a slight appearance of hips as it totally hugs in at my knees and affords me a great shape.  Thus even though it was super cheap, it works really well!

Okie dokie!  That's about it.

Things here are chugging along.  Yes the fire is still burning.  It is about 32,000 acres and about 70% contained.  My life is slowly returning to normal - meaning, I am busy as all get out!

I generally don't talk about my regular employment here, and I don't think I will begin to today.  But I will say that recently my job started up again and I am doing a couple of new things and it seems as though everyday I go to work, work for about 10 hours, and come home and still have about 10 more hours of things to do.  Needless to say, I never accomplish it all.  Ugh!  Thus if my blogging appears to be affected, it is because of this!  Got to make the big bucks right?!

Okay, love you!

Love yourselves!

Love cute pink sandals!

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Day 70 Hormone Comparison Photo

Well here we are at day 70 of hormones!  Can't you tell the huge difference in my appearance?  I think the change is quite obvious!  Ha!  I amuse myself so much.  Seriously I think it is quite amusing.  There is that total part of me who is wanting to see changes each and every day, but I really need to keep it in check, with a healthy dose of reality.

I am on a super small dose of estrogen and spironolactone and the changes at this point are expected to be pretty negligible.  Maybe once I have my doses upped there will be more obvious changes, but for now there really has not been much happening.  A month ago I updated my happenings and nothing much has happened since then.

Over the past month I would suppose the largest change is that I have not had a wig and makeup on for about a month!  That is indeed a change.  Lots has been happening in my life, um... fire anyone?  Thus things have been more than a little full, but as well, possibly some drive to dress has lessened.  Possibly some part of me used to dress to feel some connection to being feminine, but now being on estrogen is a pretty good connection to the feminine.  So maybe that has also dampened my desire to fully dress.  It certainly hasn't lessened my desire to dress in female clothing.  That I continue to do on a daily basis.

So.... uh..... yeah, there ya go!  My hilarious update on my hormone journey!

Oh, and yeah, if you did not see my Facebook fire update, as of today we are up to about 60 percent containment.  They have established a fire line between my house and the main fire and with that comes about a 90% assurance that it won't jump the line.  So.... it appears as though things are going to be okay.  We have picked up the dogs from the kennel, got our stuff from storage, unpacked our bags, re-hung our pictures, and life is slowly returning to normal.  It is still super smokey, my sinuses are still quite full, my lungs still hurt like heck, but hey, my house is here!

Alrighty then!  Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love humor!

Monday, September 4, 2017

Fire, Fire, Everywhere

Have you ever had to experience the surreal event of walking through your house trying to decide what needs to be saved, and what you are willing to allow to burn and leave your life forever?

This is from about 10 miles from me.  Pretty frickin scary!  This fire started on about August 29th.  It is currently up to about 17,500 acres.  The area it is burning in has not burnt in recorded history.  Which basically means that it is well overdue for a burn.  We are hopeful that we will not have a problem at our house, but we are prepared to go.

It really brings about the question of what is important.  We had to make a list of priorities:

Number 1 - each other
Number 2 - the dogs
Number 3 - the cats
Number 4 - keepsake items
Number 5 - important documents
Number 6 - current medications
Number 7 - clothes and toiletries for at least a week
Number 8 - photographs
Number 9 - cute clothes!
Number 10 - cute shoes!
Number 11 - cute purses!
Number 12 - good outerwear!

So.... all of these items are pretty well covered.  Many things have been packed up and moved down to our off-site storage unit.  The dogs are currently down the mountain at the kennel for an ongoing stay.  The cats are all inside and have food a carriers by the door.  Our bags are packed, purses accounted for, documents in the purses, the emergency list has been written of what to do when they come and tell us it is a mandatory evacuation.

We are prepared to go, but hope we don't have to.

Hope you are well.

Love rain!

Photo Credit:

Monday, August 28, 2017

My Outfit - Yes, Another Tunic!

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Shorts - Guess - Similar
Shoes - Rocket Dog - Similar
Belt - ?? - Similar

It seems as though this is the summer of tunics for me.  I really like the convenience of them.  The only thing I don't like is that it always looks as though I have nothing on underneath.  Here, take a look though, I do actually wear shorts with them:

I feel as though I should walk around with my tunic hiked up a bit, or a sign on me that says, yes I do have on shorts underneath here.  Ha-Ha.  Yeah, like whatever!  I am only slightly paranoid about my shorts not showing.  Most of me really does not give a hoot!  I mean generally when I am out and about here in California's Central Valley, it is over 100 degrees!  So, like who gives a crud what I am wearing, right?  I should actually be wearing less!  Ha!

Okie Dokie!  Love you!

Love yourselves!

Wear more tunics!

They are lovely.

Just like you!

Friday, August 25, 2017

My Shopping Diet

Wow, with all of my more recent going on's, I have almost totally forgotten about my shopping diet!  Which might make one think that I have neglected to live up to my aforementioned plans, but that is actually not the case.  Not to say that I have strictly stuck to my plans, but I am getting ahead of myself.

So, let me back up for a moment.  If you don't know, back in February I decided to join my wife on her diet.  My particular issue at that time was not weight, but was shopping.  My wife was trying to lose weight, and I kind of wanted to help motivate her.  Thus it was that I decided to attempt to not shop for any clothes at all, for one year.

What has happened you ask?  Well, well, well!  Can we say hormones anyone??  Yeah, I can!  So.... how do we get from a shopping diet to hormones?  Well.... part of what allowed me to realize my current situation was the shopping diet.  See..... I am pretty sure that I was using shopping to help stave off the dysphoria.  I have not spoken much of the dysphoria that I feel.  I kind of think that is because I am SO used to it, that it just seems normal.  Since it is SO normal, I don't really notice it much anymore.  That is not to say that it isn't there, oh it is there, it is just that I don't pay attention to it so much.  Thus it was that when I attempted to stop shopping for clothes all of the time, it was one less tool at my disposal to help me.  Which was just one more thing coming together to a head that helped me to understand who I really am and what I actually feel.

During this time, I have not stuck to my rule of absolutely no shopping.  I have shopped.  But I have not shopped like I have done in the past.  Many times in the past it was a very common thing for me to go visit an outlet mall for a day or two and come back with many, many bags.  I have not done anything close to that.  I have visited the outlet mall.  I did buy a few items.  As well, here and there I have purchased a few things.  But if we are talking about percents, I would say that my shopping is down to about 10% of what it has been in the past.

A good thing about going on hormones is that I no longer feel the drive to irresponsibly shop.  I mean, I have the ability to support my shopping desires, but still, it has been a bit wasteful.  I see now that much of my shopping was not to fill a closet, it was to fill a gap within myself.  A gap that unfortunately, no amount of shopping could ever fill.  Oh it's fun to try!  But at the end of the day, it has felt a bit hollow.

I know that I will still shop.  I still love clothes!  I still love shopping!  So fret not my fellow fashion lovers, I will continue to update my wardrobe.  I just kind of feel now as though it will be a choice and not a compulsion.

Oh and for inquiring minds that would like to know, I did only really do this thing to help support my awesomely awesome wifey wife!  So.... how is her diet going?  Hmmm.... let's ask a question of her.... so cuteness when do you think you stopped dieting?  So.... her answer is probably back in June.  So yeah, there is that!  No more for her!  No, she did not reach her goal, but maybe she decided to change her goals.  Hmm.... I think she's still trying to figure some of those thoughts out for herself!  Good luck wifey!  I love you and know that you can do whatever you want, even if that is just enjoying the Oreos!

Okay, well, hmm..... there you go peeps!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love, loving yourself!

Photo Credit:

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

My Outfit - I May Have Been Overdressed

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Shorts - Guess - Similar
Shoes - Born O Concept - Similar

This was the outfit that I decided to wear to my first group therapy session.  It occurred about 3 weeks ago.  I liked what I decided to wear, and yes, there are in fact shorts under there, but I do think that I was rather overdressed for the occasion.  It was quite funny as it was my first time at group therapy and many of the other participants have had the chance to get to know each other.  Thus I was the total newbie of the group.  I wanted to wear something that I like, something I felt confident in, and something that was comfortable.  This outfit fit all of those requirements.

The thing was though, while I was comfortable in what I chose to wear, it was quite different than what most others chose to wear.  It appeared as though, I did not get the memo!  Apparently the dress code said casual, super casual, casual to the point that wearing sweats would have fit in better!

At first it made me feel uncomfortable, but after awhile I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else wants to wear, the only thing that is important is what I want to wear!  That is what is important, what I want to wear.  Not what I am supposed to wear.  Nor should what other's chose to wear make me feel bad about my choices and that I should somehow conform to them to fit in.  It's been weird to come to these realizations about what is just going on in my whacky whacky head!

Funny enough, this coming weekend is group again, and I am thinking of going in my half-half mode.  Which will basically be me showing up dressed primarily as a woman, but with my balding head showing and my two weeks of scruff growing on my face.  Yeah, it's funny!  I think I should do a blog post where I show a two-month on hormones comparison photo, but have it be with my beard grown out a bit!  Hilarious to me!  Hahhahaha



I amuse myself.  Seriously I do!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love hahahahahahaha!!!

Saturday, August 19, 2017

One Month In

Well, well, well, here we are at one month on hormones.  My how this time has flown by.  In leading up to taking hormones it seemed as if time was crawling along.  I got the prescription, put on my patch, and I was sure that it would feel like forever until I noticed anything different.  As it turns out, I was happily wrong!

No, I don't have breasts!  Ha!  The results that I have had, are no less stunning though, to me personally at least.  Y'all may not be so impressed with things, but I seriously am.  So.... lets see if I can describe some of the things that have been happening over the past month.

The first thing that I noticed was a change in what I can best describe as a digestive disorder I have had for my entire life.  Hmm.... how to describe this without embarrassing the hecky-who out of myself?  Well, how about if I tell you that once upon a time, maybe around age 10ish or so, I remember an argument with my mom and dad and myself.  My mom insisted that I didn't know how to wipe my ass and that my dad needed to check.  Yeah, that argument did not go well, but suffice it to say, that I have had that issue my entire life.  And yes I do know how to wipe.  I could shower after I go and the same thing would happen, without fail, on a daily basis, until I started taking hormones.  Once I started with the hormones, that problem disappeared!!

And that hands down has been the single most awesome thing about taking hormones.  It was totally unexpected, but super appreciated!  I don't think I could ever tell you what an amazingly awesome change this has been for me.  If this is the only thing that ever occurs from hormones, I will be thrilled for life!

Okay, so other than that... any other changes so far..... well my boobs are super itchy!  And that is apparently a good sign that things are preparing to change!  My nipples have gotten a bit bigger.  They are not huge, but going from 1 mm to 2 mm, that means they have doubled in size!  Wow!

Hmm..... that is two things, anything else.... I feel happier!  Typically annoying things are far less annoying than they have been in the past.  I'm still annoyed by the same things, but I don't feel quite so invested in them as I used to.  I think the biggest thing with this is that I think I have been pondering hormones for some time now, like say years, and it feels great now to not been thinking about it any more!  And just doing it!

Okay, so three things...... hmm..... a fourth thing?  Sex has been feeling incredible lately.  I don't know if this is a physical thing or just a mental thing, but um yeah, there is that!

Lastly, I just feel more right.  Does that make any sense?  My doctor described the human body as analogous to the hardware of a computer and hormones as the software.  It kind of feels as though now I am operating on the right software!  Funny huh?  Odd to attempt to describe.

So..... maybe these things seem small.  And they are, but they are significant to me.  Seriously significant.  So significant that I can't see stopping this little experiment any time soon.  Just the first thing is enough of a change that tells me this is the right thing for me!

Okay, enough babbling!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Do what it takes to love yourself!

Oh.... btw, this post was written about 2 weeks ago.... so it's a little dated, just FYI!!!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

My Outfit - Pop of Blue

Top - Lily White - Similar
Tank - Guess - Similar
Shorts - ??? - Similar

Something that I really like about myself are my legs.  So many of my outfits this summer show off lots of leg!  Apparently I really like them!  I think that is kind of funny as over all of these years I have only received one piece of hate mail and one of the only things I remember about it is that the person criticized my legs!  Maybe I remember it because I thought it was so absurd that was what she would choose to criticize!  Of all the things, she chose my legs?  Ha!  Funny!

Anywho..... I like this top.  I really like how it allows the top underneath it show through.  It was one that I bought at a super inexpensive store.  I spent maybe ten bucks on this top several years ago, and it has survived to still live in my wardrobe.  Most of the clothes I have purchased from that store don't hold up very well, but this one has.

Okie dokie.... not much today!

Love you!

Love polka dots!

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Change in Wording

Hey guess what?  I recently found out that this little blog has been ranked #41 in the list of top 100 transgender blogs!  WTF?  That made me pretty happy.  You can go here and see the list for yourself if you would like.  It's interesting as well that this list is apparently updated weekly.  I wonder how long I have been up on that list for.  Hmm...... interesting indeed!

One thing that is a bit buggy is the description they have for my blog.  Yes I know that I wrote it, but I changed it fairly recently because it just rubs me so wrong now.  Here is what it used to say:

This is a style blog and yes I am aware that I am transgender! I am a man who likes to dress in women's clothes. I like to call myself Nadine while dressed as a woman. On my blog I will be exploring women's clothes and men being able to wear them in a fashionable manner and other various topics that interest me.

But I changed it recently to say:

A blog about fashion, style, and being transgender!

I like that SO much more!  It is so much more fitting.  I really dislike the way I originally described it, but it was how I felt at the time.  I don't know if you have noticed, but over time I have changed the description under the page header as well to better reflect how I currently see myself.

Oh and as well, I have sad, sad news..... I will no longer be writing for Already Pretty.  Sally has decided that it is time to move on even further from blogging and has decided to not have any more contributors to her site.  I find it quite saddening as I really liked writing for her blog as it gave an outlet to a transgender writer to a cis-gender audience.  Ah well, it's time to move on and explore other options for my writing.  I am super appreciative of anything of mine that Sally was willing to post on her site.  Her audience was WAY more vast than mine.  So... thanks Sally!

Okie dokie - I hope you all are well.  Sorry for the lack of updates recently.  I was laughing at myself as my blog had more active posting while I was away in Alaska than since I have returned!  Ah well.... Silly blogging me!

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Winging It

I don't have a plan, I'm just sort of winging this thing.  People ask me if I am transitioning or not.  One of the most recent inquiries of this nature was from a good friend.  She asked me if I am going to transition as I was sitting in the lounge chair next to her wearing a bikini with breasts on.  I kind of had to laugh.  I mean, transition from what?  Haven't I already started some sort of transition?  Am I really the same guy she had met 20 years ago?

Well it is the question du jour as of late.  Generally the answer goes - You know I wish that I could predict the future but I can't.  Do I have any current plans to start living full time as a woman?  No.  I have no plans to do so.  Can I see myself as doing that in the future?  No.  I can't see that happening.

But at the same time, ten years ago would I have predicted that today I would be on hormone therapy?  No.  I would not have predicted that.  Most likely, I would have said, no there is no way ever that I will ever take hormones.

It is not as if taking hormones has come totally out of left field and blindsided me.  Maybe it has for some of you, but that is solely due to me not updating my blog nearly as much as I would like to.  But no, I have been thinking about taking hormones for quite some time.  I have written about it here and there, but maybe not as much as I should have.  Ten years ago I would have said no to taking hormones but I would still have admitted to wanting a more feminine body.  I would have still admitted to wanting every single thing that hormones could possibly bring me, in terms of beneficial aspects.  That whole blood clotting thing I could do without!

So.... in ten years will I want to live full time as woman?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Right now I have no plans of doing so, but I can't really predict what I will want in the future.  Can you?  Can you for certain predict what exactly you will and wont desire ten years from now?  I know some things, but there is know way that I will know everything.  Ten years ago I would have also said that I wouldn't want a truck, but now I want an even bigger truck than what I have now!

I wish I could predict exactly what I will want ten years from now, that could make life pretty darn easy.  Wait, what I really want would be to know exactly what my wife wants ten years from now!  That would be really cool and make my life far easier!  Ha!  It would also probably result in her being pretty darn happy as well!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Photo Credit:

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Marriage is Growing Together

One of the arguments that I have heard from many different gender variant individuals about why they should not tell their spouses is because they don't know what to tell them what they are, like TG or a CD or where they will be in ten years.  If this sounds similar in nature to another post I recently put up, it is because it is.  In that post spoke at length about not knowing where I will be in ten years in regards to my transition.

That is not what this post is about.  This post is really about the idea of marriage.  When committing yourself to a marriage, are you doing so to the person that is in front of you right then?  With the expectation that they will always remain that person?  Like if that person enjoys vanilla ice cream when you marry them, does that mean they will have to enjoy vanilla ice cream forever?  And that if they suddenly switch to enjoying chocolate ice cream that your world will begin to fall apart?

Well no, probably not.  I mean does anyone really have all that much invested into the flavor of ice cream that their spouse chooses to eat?  I think not!  Well maybe, but I hope not.  Ice cream is not serious.  But there are a million little issues that could be more serious within a marriage that could change over a lifetime.  What about a job?  Or where one wants to live?  Or how about having children?  Or the number of children?  What about one's health?

That last one is a doozy.  We humans tend to have a nasty chance of having bad shit happen to our health.  What about if one day your spouse is fine, and the next you have to feed them because of a massive stroke?  Yeah, shit sure does happen.  The point really is, things happen over a lifetime.  Nobody and nothing stays the same for long.  So what is it when we marry someone?  It can't be this expectation that when one marries they are marrying that person and that person will always remain that exact same person.  Okay, possibly some do have that expectation, but it is simply naive to believe that.

People change all of the time, some of the things are small and some are big.  Admittedly I'm discussing this because I am transgender and people often ask my wife how she is with everything that I am doing.  Being transgender is a pretty big thing.  It can be a very life changing thing.  It is not as simple as what flavor of ice cream one likes.

But then again, if I didn't know that my wife's favorite ice cream had changed from chocolate to vanilla, I'd be quite annoyed.  I wouldn't be annoyed because she changed her likes and dislikes, what would bug me is that she didn't share it with me.  I would want to know what her favorite ice cream is, because I like knowing about her.  I like knowing her likes and dislikes and thinking that I know what those things are.

Which brings me back to my original thoughts, about some gender variant people not speaking with the ones they love about it.  Relationships, marriage especially, grow through communication.  If there is no talking, there is no relationship, at least in my mind.  Yes telling your spouse that you are transgender is a pretty big deal and honestly I have no idea what that would feel like.  Yes my spouse obviously knows that I am transgender, but it is not like I never said anything and then boom, came out to her one day, and now everything is perfect between us as we ride off on our white horse in our wedding dresses into the sunset! Ha!

My marriage to my wife has so far survived all of my attempts at understanding my gender variance because every single step of the way I have spoken to her about every last little tiny thing.  Trust me, I have spoken to her so much that she has often asked me to stop.  Not that she doesn't like me, but that at times I can be more than a bit obsessive about communicating.  It is that very communication though that has saved our marriage.  We have grown together throughout this all.

When I have made an appointment seeking hormone therapy and she is not just supportive of that, she is wanting the time to go faster until I can actually get them, that is some serious growth!  Maybe you don't know, but at one time she was very clear, if I ever start hormones, she is out.  Yup, she said that.  Now what's up?  She wants me to take them.  Again, not just supportive, but wanting it to happen.  Why the change?   Well there is a story behind that as well, but I am going to leave that for another day.

Today, this post, is really yet another plea for spouses to be open and honest with each other.  For people in relationships to understand that in order to survive the test of time, being as my spouse and I have been together since 15 and we are now 45, you must work to grow together.

Grow with someone.  It makes the garden so much prettier.

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Love growing together!

Photo Credits:

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Back From Alaska

Hi!  I'm back!  Oh..... you didn't know that I was gone?  Well yeah, I decided to not announce my trip here as that is unfortunately not a good idea to do on the internet.  So.... anywho..... my wife and I got to take a cruise to Alaska!  Exciting, huh?  The above photo is from when Jules and I were in Ketchikan Alaska.

We had an exciting time, but it was also a bit stressful.  Unfortunately Jules' father is not doing very well as he is aging but he does not really want to accept it.  Instead he decided to take all his kids on a cruise to Alaska.  It probably was not in his and his wife's best interest to go on an Alaskan cruise, but he would not be talked out of it.  So.... we all pitched in to make this thing happen.  And it was some work, but we also figured out how to have fun as well.

I chose to not fully dress at any point while on the trip, but I did dress in a mixed gender fashion the entire time.  What was my real big breakthrough?  Stretch pants!  Yup stretch pants while presenting as a male.  As a male you might ask?  Yes as a male.  Although I was dressed in women's clothes from head to toe, except for most dinners, carried a purse, had my nails painted, and wore visible breasts, yup I was presenting as a male.

How so?  The beard.  It really is a dead giveaway.  I don't mind.  I find it amusing.  Frequently I ponder how others are perceiving me and what is going on in their head.  I mean they have got to know that I am transgender.  I don't make any efforts at all to hide it.  Really all I do is to not make the effort to wear makeup and a wig.  So, it's like lazy cross dressing?  Maybe.... I like to think of it as being gender non-conforming.... well, but now, even when I say that, I think, nope, I think of it as simply being transgender.  

Okay.  Just a quick thought.

Love you!

Oh.... my blog has kind of been on autopilot since I have been gone.  Comments have been published but I have not had a chance to reply back to any of them.  I thank you for your contributions to my blog and I will get to replying to you all soon!

Love you!

Love yourselves!