Sunday, September 17, 2017

Outfit - Hot Pink Sandals

Top - White House Black Market - Similar
Skirt - American Apparel - Similar
Shoes - Kelly and Katie - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
Bangles - Chico - Similar

I planned this outfit around the shoes.  I had purchased them a few months back, well at least a few months back.  Honestly, I can't remember how far back I had purchased these shoes, but I do remember that when I did purchase them, I had to purchase them as they are so darn adorable!  But when I did buy them, it was not quite the right weather for little pink sandals.  So I brought them home and placed them in the closet where they waited for just the right time to bring them out.

But they languished in the closet waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  I kept looking at them and thinking, nope, not today, today is no the right day to wear them.  I think a few times I heard them boo and hiss at me as I passed them over in favor of other more appropriate shoes.


And then, on this day, I said, fuck it!  They have got to be taken out and worn!  They are too darn cute to sit in my closet for the rest of time waiting for the right time!  So out they came!  I actually think that what I paired with them turned out to be a super cute outfit.  Surprisingly I don't know if I have worn this top a great deal either.  It is something I purchased and thought was cute but never found just the right time to wear it.  But with this outfit, it works really well!

The skirt is one of my all time favorite items, a simple sheath skirt with a small slit up the back.  It is nice and tight and super stretchy.  So it gives me a slight appearance of hips as it totally hugs in at my knees and affords me a great shape.  Thus even though it was super cheap, it works really well!


Okie dokie!  That's about it.

Things here are chugging along.  Yes the fire is still burning.  It is about 32,000 acres and about 70% contained.  My life is slowly returning to normal - meaning, I am busy as all get out!

I generally don't talk about my regular employment here, and I don't think I will begin to today.  But I will say that recently my job started up again and I am doing a couple of new things and it seems as though everyday I go to work, work for about 10 hours, and come home and still have about 10 more hours of things to do.  Needless to say, I never accomplish it all.  Ugh!  Thus if my blogging appears to be affected, it is because of this!  Got to make the big bucks right?!

Okay, love you!

Love yourselves!

Love cute pink sandals!

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Day 70 Hormone Comparison Photo


Well here we are at day 70 of hormones!  Can't you tell the huge difference in my appearance?  I think the change is quite obvious!  Ha!  I amuse myself so much.  Seriously I think it is quite amusing.  There is that total part of me who is wanting to see changes each and every day, but I really need to keep it in check, with a healthy dose of reality.

I am on a super small dose of estrogen and spironolactone and the changes at this point are expected to be pretty negligible.  Maybe once I have my doses upped there will be more obvious changes, but for now there really has not been much happening.  A month ago I updated my happenings and nothing much has happened since then.

Over the past month I would suppose the largest change is that I have not had a wig and makeup on for about a month!  That is indeed a change.  Lots has been happening in my life, um... fire anyone?  Thus things have been more than a little full, but as well, possibly some drive to dress has lessened.  Possibly some part of me used to dress to feel some connection to being feminine, but now being on estrogen is a pretty good connection to the feminine.  So maybe that has also dampened my desire to fully dress.  It certainly hasn't lessened my desire to dress in female clothing.  That I continue to do on a daily basis.

So.... uh..... yeah, there ya go!  My hilarious update on my hormone journey!

Oh, and yeah, if you did not see my Facebook fire update, as of today we are up to about 60 percent containment.  They have established a fire line between my house and the main fire and with that comes about a 90% assurance that it won't jump the line.  So.... it appears as though things are going to be okay.  We have picked up the dogs from the kennel, got our stuff from storage, unpacked our bags, re-hung our pictures, and life is slowly returning to normal.  It is still super smokey, my sinuses are still quite full, my lungs still hurt like heck, but hey, my house is here!

Alrighty then!  Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love humor!

Monday, September 4, 2017

Fire, Fire, Everywhere


Have you ever had to experience the surreal event of walking through your house trying to decide what needs to be saved, and what you are willing to allow to burn and leave your life forever?

This is from about 10 miles from me.  Pretty frickin scary!  This fire started on about August 29th.  It is currently up to about 17,500 acres.  The area it is burning in has not burnt in recorded history.  Which basically means that it is well overdue for a burn.  We are hopeful that we will not have a problem at our house, but we are prepared to go.

It really brings about the question of what is important.  We had to make a list of priorities:

Number 1 - each other
Number 2 - the dogs
Number 3 - the cats
Number 4 - keepsake items
Number 5 - important documents
Number 6 - current medications
Number 7 - clothes and toiletries for at least a week
Number 8 - photographs
Number 9 - cute clothes!
Number 10 - cute shoes!
Number 11 - cute purses!
Number 12 - good outerwear!

So.... all of these items are pretty well covered.  Many things have been packed up and moved down to our off-site storage unit.  The dogs are currently down the mountain at the kennel for an ongoing stay.  The cats are all inside and have food a carriers by the door.  Our bags are packed, purses accounted for, documents in the purses, the emergency list has been written of what to do when they come and tell us it is a mandatory evacuation.

We are prepared to go, but hope we don't have to.

Hope you are well.

Love rain!


Photo Credit:
http://kmph.com/news/local/pier-fire-explodes-in-size-near-springville-no-containment

Monday, August 28, 2017

My Outfit - Yes, Another Tunic!

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Shorts - Guess - Similar
Shoes - Rocket Dog - Similar
Belt - ?? - Similar

It seems as though this is the summer of tunics for me.  I really like the convenience of them.  The only thing I don't like is that it always looks as though I have nothing on underneath.  Here, take a look though, I do actually wear shorts with them:


I feel as though I should walk around with my tunic hiked up a bit, or a sign on me that says, yes I do have on shorts underneath here.  Ha-Ha.  Yeah, like whatever!  I am only slightly paranoid about my shorts not showing.  Most of me really does not give a hoot!  I mean generally when I am out and about here in California's Central Valley, it is over 100 degrees!  So, like who gives a crud what I am wearing, right?  I should actually be wearing less!  Ha!


Okie Dokie!  Love you!

Love yourselves!

Wear more tunics!

They are lovely.

Just like you!

Friday, August 25, 2017

My Shopping Diet


Wow, with all of my more recent going on's, I have almost totally forgotten about my shopping diet!  Which might make one think that I have neglected to live up to my aforementioned plans, but that is actually not the case.  Not to say that I have strictly stuck to my plans, but I am getting ahead of myself.

So, let me back up for a moment.  If you don't know, back in February I decided to join my wife on her diet.  My particular issue at that time was not weight, but was shopping.  My wife was trying to lose weight, and I kind of wanted to help motivate her.  Thus it was that I decided to attempt to not shop for any clothes at all, for one year.

What has happened you ask?  Well, well, well!  Can we say hormones anyone??  Yeah, I can!  So.... how do we get from a shopping diet to hormones?  Well.... part of what allowed me to realize my current situation was the shopping diet.  See..... I am pretty sure that I was using shopping to help stave off the dysphoria.  I have not spoken much of the dysphoria that I feel.  I kind of think that is because I am SO used to it, that it just seems normal.  Since it is SO normal, I don't really notice it much anymore.  That is not to say that it isn't there, oh it is there, it is just that I don't pay attention to it so much.  Thus it was that when I attempted to stop shopping for clothes all of the time, it was one less tool at my disposal to help me.  Which was just one more thing coming together to a head that helped me to understand who I really am and what I actually feel.

During this time, I have not stuck to my rule of absolutely no shopping.  I have shopped.  But I have not shopped like I have done in the past.  Many times in the past it was a very common thing for me to go visit an outlet mall for a day or two and come back with many, many bags.  I have not done anything close to that.  I have visited the outlet mall.  I did buy a few items.  As well, here and there I have purchased a few things.  But if we are talking about percents, I would say that my shopping is down to about 10% of what it has been in the past.

A good thing about going on hormones is that I no longer feel the drive to irresponsibly shop.  I mean, I have the ability to support my shopping desires, but still, it has been a bit wasteful.  I see now that much of my shopping was not to fill a closet, it was to fill a gap within myself.  A gap that unfortunately, no amount of shopping could ever fill.  Oh it's fun to try!  But at the end of the day, it has felt a bit hollow.

I know that I will still shop.  I still love clothes!  I still love shopping!  So fret not my fellow fashion lovers, I will continue to update my wardrobe.  I just kind of feel now as though it will be a choice and not a compulsion.

Oh and for inquiring minds that would like to know, I did only really do this thing to help support my awesomely awesome wifey wife!  So.... how is her diet going?  Hmmm.... let's ask a question of her.... so cuteness when do you think you stopped dieting?  So.... her answer is probably back in June.  So yeah, there is that!  No more for her!  No, she did not reach her goal, but maybe she decided to change her goals.  Hmm.... I think she's still trying to figure some of those thoughts out for herself!  Good luck wifey!  I love you and know that you can do whatever you want, even if that is just enjoying the Oreos!

Okay, well, hmm..... there you go peeps!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Love, loving yourself!

Photo Credit:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/rodeime/

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

My Outfit - I May Have Been Overdressed

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Shorts - Guess - Similar
Shoes - Born O Concept - Similar

This was the outfit that I decided to wear to my first group therapy session.  It occurred about 3 weeks ago.  I liked what I decided to wear, and yes, there are in fact shorts under there, but I do think that I was rather overdressed for the occasion.  It was quite funny as it was my first time at group therapy and many of the other participants have had the chance to get to know each other.  Thus I was the total newbie of the group.  I wanted to wear something that I like, something I felt confident in, and something that was comfortable.  This outfit fit all of those requirements.


The thing was though, while I was comfortable in what I chose to wear, it was quite different than what most others chose to wear.  It appeared as though, I did not get the memo!  Apparently the dress code said casual, super casual, casual to the point that wearing sweats would have fit in better!


At first it made me feel uncomfortable, but after awhile I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else wants to wear, the only thing that is important is what I want to wear!  That is what is important, what I want to wear.  Not what I am supposed to wear.  Nor should what other's chose to wear make me feel bad about my choices and that I should somehow conform to them to fit in.  It's been weird to come to these realizations about what is just going on in my whacky whacky head!


Funny enough, this coming weekend is group again, and I am thinking of going in my half-half mode.  Which will basically be me showing up dressed primarily as a woman, but with my balding head showing and my two weeks of scruff growing on my face.  Yeah, it's funny!  I think I should do a blog post where I show a two-month on hormones comparison photo, but have it be with my beard grown out a bit!  Hilarious to me!  Hahhahaha

hahahahah

hahahha

I amuse myself.  Seriously I do!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love hahahahahahaha!!!

Saturday, August 19, 2017

One Month In


Well, well, well, here we are at one month on hormones.  My how this time has flown by.  In leading up to taking hormones it seemed as if time was crawling along.  I got the prescription, put on my patch, and I was sure that it would feel like forever until I noticed anything different.  As it turns out, I was happily wrong!

No, I don't have breasts!  Ha!  The results that I have had, are no less stunning though, to me personally at least.  Y'all may not be so impressed with things, but I seriously am.  So.... lets see if I can describe some of the things that have been happening over the past month.

The first thing that I noticed was a change in what I can best describe as a digestive disorder I have had for my entire life.  Hmm.... how to describe this without embarrassing the hecky-who out of myself?  Well, how about if I tell you that once upon a time, maybe around age 10ish or so, I remember an argument with my mom and dad and myself.  My mom insisted that I didn't know how to wipe my ass and that my dad needed to check.  Yeah, that argument did not go well, but suffice it to say, that I have had that issue my entire life.  And yes I do know how to wipe.  I could shower after I go and the same thing would happen, without fail, on a daily basis, until I started taking hormones.  Once I started with the hormones, that problem disappeared!!

And that hands down has been the single most awesome thing about taking hormones.  It was totally unexpected, but super appreciated!  I don't think I could ever tell you what an amazingly awesome change this has been for me.  If this is the only thing that ever occurs from hormones, I will be thrilled for life!

Okay, so other than that... any other changes so far..... well my boobs are super itchy!  And that is apparently a good sign that things are preparing to change!  My nipples have gotten a bit bigger.  They are not huge, but going from 1 mm to 2 mm, that means they have doubled in size!  Wow!

Hmm..... that is two things, anything else.... I feel happier!  Typically annoying things are far less annoying than they have been in the past.  I'm still annoyed by the same things, but I don't feel quite so invested in them as I used to.  I think the biggest thing with this is that I think I have been pondering hormones for some time now, like say years, and it feels great now to not been thinking about it any more!  And just doing it!

Okay, so three things...... hmm..... a fourth thing?  Sex has been feeling incredible lately.  I don't know if this is a physical thing or just a mental thing, but um yeah, there is that!

Lastly, I just feel more right.  Does that make any sense?  My doctor described the human body as analogous to the hardware of a computer and hormones as the software.  It kind of feels as though now I am operating on the right software!  Funny huh?  Odd to attempt to describe.

So..... maybe these things seem small.  And they are, but they are significant to me.  Seriously significant.  So significant that I can't see stopping this little experiment any time soon.  Just the first thing is enough of a change that tells me this is the right thing for me!

Okay, enough babbling!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Do what it takes to love yourself!

Oh.... btw, this post was written about 2 weeks ago.... so it's a little dated, just FYI!!!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

My Outfit - Pop of Blue

Top - Lily White - Similar
Tank - Guess - Similar
Shorts - ??? - Similar

Something that I really like about myself are my legs.  So many of my outfits this summer show off lots of leg!  Apparently I really like them!  I think that is kind of funny as over all of these years I have only received one piece of hate mail and one of the only things I remember about it is that the person criticized my legs!  Maybe I remember it because I thought it was so absurd that was what she would choose to criticize!  Of all the things, she chose my legs?  Ha!  Funny!


Anywho..... I like this top.  I really like how it allows the top underneath it show through.  It was one that I bought at a super inexpensive store.  I spent maybe ten bucks on this top several years ago, and it has survived to still live in my wardrobe.  Most of the clothes I have purchased from that store don't hold up very well, but this one has.


Okie dokie.... not much today!

Love you!

Love polka dots!

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Change in Wording


Hey guess what?  I recently found out that this little blog has been ranked #41 in the list of top 100 transgender blogs!  WTF?  That made me pretty happy.  You can go here and see the list for yourself if you would like.  It's interesting as well that this list is apparently updated weekly.  I wonder how long I have been up on that list for.  Hmm...... interesting indeed!

One thing that is a bit buggy is the description they have for my blog.  Yes I know that I wrote it, but I changed it fairly recently because it just rubs me so wrong now.  Here is what it used to say:

This is a style blog and yes I am aware that I am transgender! I am a man who likes to dress in women's clothes. I like to call myself Nadine while dressed as a woman. On my blog I will be exploring women's clothes and men being able to wear them in a fashionable manner and other various topics that interest me.

But I changed it recently to say:

A blog about fashion, style, and being transgender!

I like that SO much more!  It is so much more fitting.  I really dislike the way I originally described it, but it was how I felt at the time.  I don't know if you have noticed, but over time I have changed the description under the page header as well to better reflect how I currently see myself.


Oh and as well, I have sad, sad news..... I will no longer be writing for Already Pretty.  Sally has decided that it is time to move on even further from blogging and has decided to not have any more contributors to her site.  I find it quite saddening as I really liked writing for her blog as it gave an outlet to a transgender writer to a cis-gender audience.  Ah well, it's time to move on and explore other options for my writing.  I am super appreciative of anything of mine that Sally was willing to post on her site.  Her audience was WAY more vast than mine.  So... thanks Sally!

Okie dokie - I hope you all are well.  Sorry for the lack of updates recently.  I was laughing at myself as my blog had more active posting while I was away in Alaska than since I have returned!  Ah well.... Silly blogging me!

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Winging It


I don't have a plan, I'm just sort of winging this thing.  People ask me if I am transitioning or not.  One of the most recent inquiries of this nature was from a good friend.  She asked me if I am going to transition as I was sitting in the lounge chair next to her wearing a bikini with breasts on.  I kind of had to laugh.  I mean, transition from what?  Haven't I already started some sort of transition?  Am I really the same guy she had met 20 years ago?

Well it is the question du jour as of late.  Generally the answer goes - You know I wish that I could predict the future but I can't.  Do I have any current plans to start living full time as a woman?  No.  I have no plans to do so.  Can I see myself as doing that in the future?  No.  I can't see that happening.

But at the same time, ten years ago would I have predicted that today I would be on hormone therapy?  No.  I would not have predicted that.  Most likely, I would have said, no there is no way ever that I will ever take hormones.

It is not as if taking hormones has come totally out of left field and blindsided me.  Maybe it has for some of you, but that is solely due to me not updating my blog nearly as much as I would like to.  But no, I have been thinking about taking hormones for quite some time.  I have written about it here and there, but maybe not as much as I should have.  Ten years ago I would have said no to taking hormones but I would still have admitted to wanting a more feminine body.  I would have still admitted to wanting every single thing that hormones could possibly bring me, in terms of beneficial aspects.  That whole blood clotting thing I could do without!

So.... in ten years will I want to live full time as woman?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Right now I have no plans of doing so, but I can't really predict what I will want in the future.  Can you?  Can you for certain predict what exactly you will and wont desire ten years from now?  I know some things, but there is know way that I will know everything.  Ten years ago I would have also said that I wouldn't want a truck, but now I want an even bigger truck than what I have now!

I wish I could predict exactly what I will want ten years from now, that could make life pretty darn easy.  Wait, what I really want would be to know exactly what my wife wants ten years from now!  That would be really cool and make my life far easier!  Ha!  It would also probably result in her being pretty darn happy as well!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Photo Credit:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/cogdog

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Marriage is Growing Together


One of the arguments that I have heard from many different gender variant individuals about why they should not tell their spouses is because they don't know what to tell them what they are, like TG or a CD or where they will be in ten years.  If this sounds similar in nature to another post I recently put up, it is because it is.  In that post spoke at length about not knowing where I will be in ten years in regards to my transition.

That is not what this post is about.  This post is really about the idea of marriage.  When committing yourself to a marriage, are you doing so to the person that is in front of you right then?  With the expectation that they will always remain that person?  Like if that person enjoys vanilla ice cream when you marry them, does that mean they will have to enjoy vanilla ice cream forever?  And that if they suddenly switch to enjoying chocolate ice cream that your world will begin to fall apart?

Well no, probably not.  I mean does anyone really have all that much invested into the flavor of ice cream that their spouse chooses to eat?  I think not!  Well maybe, but I hope not.  Ice cream is not serious.  But there are a million little issues that could be more serious within a marriage that could change over a lifetime.  What about a job?  Or where one wants to live?  Or how about having children?  Or the number of children?  What about one's health?

That last one is a doozy.  We humans tend to have a nasty chance of having bad shit happen to our health.  What about if one day your spouse is fine, and the next you have to feed them because of a massive stroke?  Yeah, shit sure does happen.  The point really is, things happen over a lifetime.  Nobody and nothing stays the same for long.  So what is it when we marry someone?  It can't be this expectation that when one marries they are marrying that person and that person will always remain that exact same person.  Okay, possibly some do have that expectation, but it is simply naive to believe that.

People change all of the time, some of the things are small and some are big.  Admittedly I'm discussing this because I am transgender and people often ask my wife how she is with everything that I am doing.  Being transgender is a pretty big thing.  It can be a very life changing thing.  It is not as simple as what flavor of ice cream one likes.

But then again, if I didn't know that my wife's favorite ice cream had changed from chocolate to vanilla, I'd be quite annoyed.  I wouldn't be annoyed because she changed her likes and dislikes, what would bug me is that she didn't share it with me.  I would want to know what her favorite ice cream is, because I like knowing about her.  I like knowing her likes and dislikes and thinking that I know what those things are.

Which brings me back to my original thoughts, about some gender variant people not speaking with the ones they love about it.  Relationships, marriage especially, grow through communication.  If there is no talking, there is no relationship, at least in my mind.  Yes telling your spouse that you are transgender is a pretty big deal and honestly I have no idea what that would feel like.  Yes my spouse obviously knows that I am transgender, but it is not like I never said anything and then boom, came out to her one day, and now everything is perfect between us as we ride off on our white horse in our wedding dresses into the sunset! Ha!

My marriage to my wife has so far survived all of my attempts at understanding my gender variance because every single step of the way I have spoken to her about every last little tiny thing.  Trust me, I have spoken to her so much that she has often asked me to stop.  Not that she doesn't like me, but that at times I can be more than a bit obsessive about communicating.  It is that very communication though that has saved our marriage.  We have grown together throughout this all.

When I have made an appointment seeking hormone therapy and she is not just supportive of that, she is wanting the time to go faster until I can actually get them, that is some serious growth!  Maybe you don't know, but at one time she was very clear, if I ever start hormones, she is out.  Yup, she said that.  Now what's up?  She wants me to take them.  Again, not just supportive, but wanting it to happen.  Why the change?   Well there is a story behind that as well, but I am going to leave that for another day.

Today, this post, is really yet another plea for spouses to be open and honest with each other.  For people in relationships to understand that in order to survive the test of time, being as my spouse and I have been together since 15 and we are now 45, you must work to grow together.

Grow with someone.  It makes the garden so much prettier.

Love you!

Love yourself!!

Love growing together!

Photo Credits:
https://pixabay.com/en/bluebell-spring-new-growth-277700/

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Back From Alaska


Hi!  I'm back!  Oh..... you didn't know that I was gone?  Well yeah, I decided to not announce my trip here as that is unfortunately not a good idea to do on the internet.  So.... anywho..... my wife and I got to take a cruise to Alaska!  Exciting, huh?  The above photo is from when Jules and I were in Ketchikan Alaska.

We had an exciting time, but it was also a bit stressful.  Unfortunately Jules' father is not doing very well as he is aging but he does not really want to accept it.  Instead he decided to take all his kids on a cruise to Alaska.  It probably was not in his and his wife's best interest to go on an Alaskan cruise, but he would not be talked out of it.  So.... we all pitched in to make this thing happen.  And it was some work, but we also figured out how to have fun as well.

I chose to not fully dress at any point while on the trip, but I did dress in a mixed gender fashion the entire time.  What was my real big breakthrough?  Stretch pants!  Yup stretch pants while presenting as a male.  As a male you might ask?  Yes as a male.  Although I was dressed in women's clothes from head to toe, except for most dinners, carried a purse, had my nails painted, and wore visible breasts, yup I was presenting as a male.


How so?  The beard.  It really is a dead giveaway.  I don't mind.  I find it amusing.  Frequently I ponder how others are perceiving me and what is going on in their head.  I mean they have got to know that I am transgender.  I don't make any efforts at all to hide it.  Really all I do is to not make the effort to wear makeup and a wig.  So, it's like lazy cross dressing?  Maybe.... I like to think of it as being gender non-conforming.... well, but now, even when I say that, I think, nope, I think of it as simply being transgender.  

Okay.  Just a quick thought.

Love you!

Oh.... my blog has kind of been on autopilot since I have been gone.  Comments have been published but I have not had a chance to reply back to any of them.  I thank you for your contributions to my blog and I will get to replying to you all soon!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Thursday, July 27, 2017

My Outfit - White Button Down Tunic

Tunic - Guess - Similar
Shorts - Guess - Similar
Shoes - Ralph Lauren
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

I wore this outfit the second time that I went to my therapist.  This first time I went I didn't fully dress as a woman, I wore a mixed gender style.  My thoughts on it were that is how I dress most of the time, and how I have lived my life for many years now.  But the second time I thought I would just go for it.


On this particular day, it was super hot, about 112 degrees!  Um wowzy!  My friend asked me why I was wearing such a large top over my tank in such crazy hot weather.  Generally it would be that I don't like my arms, but today that was not the issue.  Today's issue was disguising the genitals that I have.


Tucking just doesn't work for me.  Yes, I have tried different methods.  Yes I have tried, this and that, and the other thing.  Alas, it does not work for me.  What does?  Disguise!  Thus this top is fantastic for super hot weather.  I can wear whatever I want on the bottom, and this top covers it all nicely!  It is also cool in that in being white it actually reflects quite a bit of the sun off of me as well!

Anywho....

Love you!

Love yourself!

Monday, July 24, 2017

I Wish I Could Just Take A Pill and Feel Better


It was a simple enough confusion, one that I don't blame my wife for making.  What I had said to my wife is that so far, the absolute best thing about being on hormones now is how relaxed I feel because I decided to finally do it.  She thought that maybe the drugs themselves were making me feel more relaxed, but no, that is not what I feel relaxed about.

Possibly the hormones themselves have had some relaxing effect upon me, but I don't think so.  Sure, finally being on the right hormones feels great, but the really relaxing part is no longer pondering IF I am going to go on hormones.  Maybe I didn't really know how much I have wanted to go on hormones, Maybe I just didn't want to admit how much I wanted to go on hormones, but now I do know.  This has been something that has been on my mind for a very long time.

Some part of my brain has been so occupied with whether or not I should go on hormones it has been driving me quite bonkers.  It has not been a huge part of my thoughts, but one of those nagging things that just sort of sits in there and annoys you, like a splinter in your finger.  Should I or shouldn't I?  That has been the question.

Years ago, I knew that was not the path for me.  I knew then, and I still know now that I have no definitive plans on living full time as a woman.  I suppose that some part of me had this vision in my mind of who it is that does hormones.  They are the people who are intent on living as the opposite gender and doing everything they possibly could to live that way.  Real life, full time experience, taking hormones, having as many surgeries as possible, they are an all inclusive package.  In many ways I have seen those things as needing to go together in a single package.

Now.... now I don't.  Now I see that no one has to do all of those things, people CAN do all of those things, but people don't HAVE to.  People can do all of them, or some of them, or zero of them, and none of it is mandatory for how we are inside.  There are those of us who know who we are, regardless of what we do.

For me, for now, it is good to be SO at peace with who I am.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Oh and just to clarify, I too would love if I could just take a pill and feel better.  This process of mine has been, and continues to be, something that I work hard at.  What I feel better about is having made the choice.

photo credit:
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Assorted_Pills_3.JPG

Saturday, July 22, 2017

My Outfit - Three Faves

Top - Max Studio - Similar
Jeans - Guess - Similar
Shoes - Madden Girl - Similar

Recently I was in San Francisco and had the wonderful opportunity to wear one of my favorite pairs of blue jeans.  I actually have several pairs of favorite blue jeans.  Is that possible?  Can you have more than one favorite of the same article of clothing?  I dunno.  I think it kind of negates the idea of favorite.  

Anywho.... I really like these jeans!  I wore them to meet up with my friend Suzanne for lunch at one of our favorite (again? really?) ice cream stores.  Okay, in this case it actually is our favorite.  Favorite of all time!  Which place?  Fenton's Creamery in Oakland California.  It is SO good!  It is also super crowded nowadays, unlike when I was a child.

Jules and I went to Oakland and met up with Suzanne and her friend, whose name I forget, sorry!  We had a great time chatting and pigging out.  Okay, well I did most of the pigging out, but it was fabu!  I got a Cesar salad, and a giant bowl of ice cream!  

Alrighty then!  In this outfit I also love this striped shirt and the booties.  I have been pondering how to better show you the shoes that I wear with my outfits, I really like them.  I am not sure how to go about getting decent shots of them though.  Oh, an idea would be to just lower my tripod a bunch.  Hmm.... that could work.  Maybe I will try that soon!


Love you!

Love yourself!


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Arm Insecurities


It has been quite awhile now since I have been lamenting my large arms, so one would logically think that is what this post will be about, yet again.  But it is not about my arm insecurities, it is about someone else!  On the day that I wore this outfit I happened to go to an office supply store where I had a super funny conversation.  When I walked up to the registers I couldn't really tell if that was where I was supposed to get my stuff rung up or not.  A female worker was there, but her back was turned to me and she didn't notice that I had walked up. I asked her if I was at the right location to get my stuff rung up.

She turned around with a rather annoyed look on her face and kind of sarcastically said yes.  I didn't really know what she annoyed about, me, the project she was working on, the color of the sky?  I didn't know, but regardless I put a smile on my face and said "I've just never been in this store and didn't know if I was in the right spot."

She asked if there was anything else I wanted, besides the reams of paper I had set on the counter.  When I told her no, she said I was indeed in the right place.  She seemed to be relaxing a bit.  That was when she told me that she liked how well the dress I was wearing fit me.  I thanked her and she continued by telling me that dresses just don't work on her.  She then asked me where I liked to shop.

I told her that my favorite place is White House Black Market, of course right?  She went on by explaining that no dress seems to fit on her body like they do on mine.  I attempted to explain to her that I have a hobby of trying on clothes and that one of my favorite things to do is to go to outlet malls and stop into random stores and try a bunch of things on.

She seemed unmoved by my methods of shopping, as indicated by her eye ball roll.  That was when she explained to me that her real problem is her arms and that she hates the way they look.  Apparently she is exercising with her daughter but is bothered about it because she doesn't want to lift weights and make her arms even bigger than they are now.

This was when I told her that my largest insecurities are around my arms as well and that I have always thought that that my arms are way too big.  She checked out my arms and said that she would die to have arms like mine!  Ha!  So funny!  I thanked her very much for the compliment and tried again to let her know how she could find a dress that worked for her as well.

She thanked me, I finished my purchase, and I left, laughing!  Too funny.  We humans are so funny about what we are insecure about.

Love you!

Love yourself!

Yes, even your arms!

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

My Outfit - Polka Dot Scarf Belt

Dress - Max Studio - Similar
Scarf - ?? - Similar
Shoes - Born O Concept - Similar

I was doing my summer closet clean out the other day and I found this cute little dress tucked away back in there where I had totally forgotten about it.  When I took it out, I thought, hmm... it's okay, but Jules totally liked it.  I decided that I would wear it later that day when I went was going to go to therapy.  The problem was that when I put it on, I didn't really like how it looked so much on me and thought that it needed a belt.


I tried on just about every belt that I had but couldn't find one that fit.  Okay, maybe not every belt, but I did try several of them, I do have lots of belts so that would have taken a really long time!  Point being, I couldn't find a belt that worked and I just gave up and figured that I could go without a belt.  Besides this wrap dress is a faux wrap dress.  It looks like a wrap dress and has little ties on the side of it, but it is actually sewn all the way across, thus the ties only pull it together about an inch.  So... no belt then.


But.... as I was putting on my makeup and looking at the dress in the mirror, I just couldn't take it and knew that I had to have some sort of belt with it.  That was when I remembered my scarves!  I pulled this one out, wrapped it around me, tied it, and knew that was the look!

I do have a funny story about a conversation I had with a store clerk while wearing this dress.  It deserves its own post, so this is it for now!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love Polka Dots!






Sunday, July 16, 2017

Already Pretty Article


For those of you who don't know today I have an article up at Already Pretty.  This was a very interesting article for me to write.  Obviously it is about something that I have been pondering as most of my article are, but with this one I had the fabulous opportunity to work with Sally McGraw, owner of Already Pretty.  If you are unaware she has set aside her blogging and as she describes herself:

Sally McGraw is a freelance ghostwriter, editor, and copy writer who specializes in non-fiction books and book proposals.

Thus what happened was that I wrote a super rough draft.  So rough that I am surprised that I sent it off to her, but without even a second read over, which I should have done, I sent it off to Sally.  She put it into a Google Doc, and edited the heck out of it, which it surely needed!  When I received it back, it had all of these cool editing notes on the side of it which I could just accept or reject and it automatically changed my document to her edits or left it alone.  She also included some notes off to the side to help me further flesh out and clarify aspects of the article.

It took a few back and forths between she and I until we were both satisfied with the article and decided it was ready for publishing at Already Pretty.  Thus that is what is up there today and I encourage you to go read it as I think it is worth your time!  Ha!

Okay, maybe you're not heading over there right now, but if you are a writer, do you know what you should really do?  Get in touch with Sally and utilize her services!  She is a doll to work with and I SO enjoyed the process of working with a real editor.  I am so grateful for her services because in the end, whose writing gets to look all polished and fancy, yup that's right, mine!  I wrote some slop, and she turned it into a gem!

Seriously, if you are in need of her services, Sally is fabu!

My love to you!

photo credits:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/nics_events

Friday, July 14, 2017

Friday Pets


It has been a bit since I have put up any adorable kitten pictures, so I thought it was time.  Above is Obi Wan and Puddin trying to take a nap without having me snap photos in their faces!  Sorry kitties! 

The kittens often like to play in the bathtub.  This time Luke has taken control of a tiny fake mouse.  Everybody but Puddin is really interested in it!

A closeup of Puddin chillin on the edge of the tub.

The dogs get jealous of me taking so many photos of the kittens.  But they are looking pretty tired!

This is Gordo.  She is so much larger than all the rest.  Everybody keeps telling us to change her name to match her gender.  I want to ask them, do you know who you are actually talking to?

Nice look from Luke huh?

And lastly we have Caesar.  I don't think I have ever shown him before, but he was being a ham while I had out the camera, so here you go!

That's all for today.  Thanks!

Love you!

Love kitties!

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Prostate Confusion


Well now, it has been a little bit since I came clean here about what is going on with me and my prostate, but there appears to be a lingering confusion as to what is happening with my prostate.  Several people I have spoken to have been greatly concerned that I am dealing more with obtaining hormones than dealing with my health.  Some of these people have been close friends and some have been well meaning internet friends.

I have honestly tried to clear up any misconceptions about my prostate, but I will attempt to do it again.  So.... let's see if I can be more clear this time - THERE IS NOTHING ABNORMALLY WRONG WITH MY PROSTATE!  There, does that help?

No?  Seriously, there is nothing wrong with my prostate, except of course that I am aging.  How about this excerpt for your edification:

An enlarged prostate means the gland has grown bigger. Prostate enlargement happens to almost all men as they get older. An enlarged prostate is often called benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH). It is not cancer, and it does not raise your risk for prostate cancer.

I think that this is a very difficult subject for most men to discuss rationally.  I mean, after all, this has to do with something that is only accessible by sticking a finger up your butt.  And men, well many men, don't want to acknowledge that they even have a butt!  Seriously!  And certainly most men don't want to ever have anything, EVER, go UP their butt!  I mean, talk about gay!  Things do NOT go up a male butt, unless of course you are gay!  Thus most men are terrified of being accused of being gay and thus, they don't want to ever have to deal with their prostates!

Well prostate owners, get over yourself!  Seriously!  Stick a finger up your butt and get to know your little walnut gland!  Ha!  I amuse myself!

So.... me being the problem solving person that I am, decided to solve a problem.  What problem you ask?  Well, I never wanted to go on hormones, well at least I would never admit to wanting to go on hormones.  Thus the dilemma - I want a more feminine body, but I didn't want to admit to wanting hormones.  Instead of admitting what has always been there, I instead went to my general practitioner and complained about my prostate, knowing full well that they would refer me to a specialist.  Once at the specialist - for all of you who are concerned about my prostate - he did EVERY SINGLE TEST THERE IS - and determined that due to - MY COMPLAINTS ABOUT MY SYMPTOMS - that I have an enlarged prostate.  Eventually he gave me finasteride, which is what I wanted.  If you don't know it is a t-blocker.  Time passed, I told him that I felt better, he told me he wanted me to stop taking finasteride.

I panicked, and finally pulled my head out of my own ass, ha!, and admitted to myself and my wife, what I was doing, and what I had orchestrated.  Then I did the responsible thing - I began to see a gender therapist, and a doctor who is actually educated in prescribing hormone treatment for transgender patients.  By the way, all of you folks who are paranoid about my prostate, my new doctor assures me that the new medication I am on will shrink my prostate to nothing.

But really, I think there is another issue happening here - all of the folks who are worried about my prostate - I am worried about you.  Do you know your own prostate?  Because see, I know mine, again part of why I thought I was gay, I have been familiar with my anatomy since about age 12 or so.  Most of the people who have expressed concern for me have followed it up with, 'yeah I need to get mine checked soon.'  Well seriously if that is your response then YES, YOU NEED TO GET IT CHECKED!

Well, I hope this PSA (Ha! another prostate joke if you didn't catch it!) has helped.  From now on I think when questioned about my prostate's heath I will simply refer to this post.

Hope you all are well!

I hope you all have stuck your own fingers up your own butts!  Ha!  I amuse myself, seriously!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Yes, even love your butts!

Photos:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/raphaellove/

Thursday, July 6, 2017

My Outfit - Geometric Tunic

Tunic - White House Black Market - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar
Shorts - Guess - Similar
Sandals - Born O Concept - Similar

Doesn't it totally look as though this dress is super short?  I mean way too short for me to be wearing, unless of course I'm wanting to give somebody a free peep show?  That would be gross!  I have actually heard of some trans people doing that on purpose.  Well, at least that is how others described them, trans.  I generally have not given those folks the time of the day, but I should start speaking up and letting them know that those are not called trans people, they are called something more along the lines of a pervert, or an exhibitionist.

Oh and by the way, no I am not trying to show off any bits, see I have on shorts!


I really, really like tunics, especially during the summer, but I do not like where they fall on my legs, as it gives this look of wearing a way to short of a dress.  I suppose that if anybody is looking all that closely they can see my shorts, but it does make me feel a bit self conscious.  Obviously I get over it and just wear what I think looks good, but still, it is a bit unnerving!


So.... where exactly did I wear this outfit to you ask?  I wore it to my very first appointment with my OB/GYN.  Yeah, weird huh?  I mean I don't even have a vagina!  Yeah well, as it turns out, here in California's Central Valley, there are very few doctors willing to work with the transgender community.  This doctor was one of two I was referred to for possible hormone treatment.  She apparently has a four month waiting period, but I amazingly got in within a month!


Off I went to my appointment this morning, with my super understanding and awesome wife.  By the way, for any of you who are concerned with my wife and my possible hormone therapy, she is totally in support of it.  So much so that within the past month she has lamented "when exactly are you going to get hormones?"  Funny huh?  I have thought so.

My appointment went really well and I actually left with a script for spironolactone and estradiol.  There was a small hiccup in actually getting the pharmacy to fill the script, but I got it!  Thus these pictures were taken about an hour or so before applying my first patch!  Terrifying and exciting!

That is all for today.  Honestly I never pictured that I would be here, but I am thrilled to be so!

Love you!

Love yourselves!


Thursday, June 29, 2017

What's Up?


Goodness me, how time flies!  I know, I frequently lament my super busy life.  Woe is me, right?  Ah well.  I think that it is because I feel bad for not updating my blog more frequently.  I know that there are at least a few people out there who enjoy my blog and gain something from reading it.  So for you, constant reader, I am sorry that I am so lax in updating things.  Lets see if I can at least recap a few things that have been occurring in my life lately.

- First off I have found an awesome therapist!  And I have actually gone to two appointments!  Woo-Hoo for me!  My wife asked how it went and I said, well picture the scene, you set one dial to talk and the other to my gender, and then said go!  Ha!

- Secondly, (I need to not try and count these bullet points) I have found a physician in the Central Valley who is willing to prescribe hormones to TG people!  Yay!  And though I am freaking out, I get to go see her on this Monday!  Yay!  Ahh!!  Exciting and Scary!  Well, terrifying and thrilling!  Oh and she is an OB/GYN.  I was freaking out calling her.  I had to remind herself that yes indeed I can go see an OB/GYN.

- I have had two visits with my first girlfriend, who I dated about 33 years ago!  She was the first one to paint my fingernails.  Of course at the time I couldn't tell her how awesome it was!  Now, I can finally update her on what I felt so long ago!

- I have come out to my mother in law.  Well, Jules did the talk.  All I did was wear breasts around her, as well as the rest of my fem clothes and such.  The only thing she played with once was my super cute Barbie Pink Coach purse.  But for her, that is awesome!

- What else, exciting?  Oh, goodness me..... I finally requested my wife's friendship on Facebook.  Pretty scary exposing myself so much to so many people.  Well possibly.  But still that connection to me other world is becoming more and more grey.  Which is a good thing.  But it is scary!

- I am most likely going to try estrogen so I have been forcing myself to wear my breasts in more and more places.  I mean, if I am going to attempt growing my own, then I better be prepared for it before they are here and proudly showing! It has been interesting!

Okay.  I gotta run.  Off to the shower and then to dinner with Jules' family.  Hmm..... I wonder what I am going to wear tonight!

Love you!

Love yourselves!
 

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Distraction Time!


Right now, I am not supposed to be writing a blog post, I am supposed to be working on my therapy!  But I seem to be side stepping it, oh my!  My therapist has sent me home with a transgender questionnaire/survey.  She told me that many people prefer to have some time to ponder over the questions instead of just having them thrown at them point blank in a session.  I really appreciate the opportunity to think about things, but maybe some times it is too much time to ponder.  With so much time to ponder, I often think, Oh, I've got plenty of time!

Ha!  Plenty of time!  When in my life have I actually had plenty of time?  Oh that's right, that is what childhood is for!

Okay, so quick recap of my therapy - Tuesday was the first time I went to a gender therapist in person.  Oh course, wouldn't you know it, I got lost in trying to find her office!  Ugh!!  It drove me bonkers!  Thanks city of Fresno for your gloriously awful street signs!  Thanks GPS for your dorkery!  And thank me for swearing off paper maps!  Ha, paper maps, how crazy.  Who uses paper maps anymore?

Oh right, quick recap, okay so I went to therapy on Tuesday, yes I was late, but she had no patients after me and actually met with me for an hour and forty five minutes!  My appointment was supposed to be 1.5 hours and I was a half an hour late.  So this lady was frickin awesome to put that much time into me!  Thank you!

Oh and what did I wear you ask?  Well I went in a non-conforming manner.  I was dressed in all female clothes, but no makeup and no hair.  So in that manner I think I am taken as basically male, but super non-conforming!

Quick, right?  Who me?  Alrighty so I set my dial to Talk and the other to My Gender and I babbled away for pretty much the entire time!  It was over too quickly, boo!  But she asked when I could come in again, and I said um.... tomorrow!  Well she did have an appointment for Thursday, which happens to be today.

So here I sit at about 6 in the morning, trying to finish up my survey before this afternoons appointment and what am I doing, blogging like a fool of course!

Okay.  Gotta run!  I've got things to do!

Love you!

Love yourself!

I'm trying REAL hard I tell you what!