Thursday, January 21, 2016

Driving Myself Bonkers

I don't know if you have noticed, but I sure have; since about July or so I have been FAR more conflicted about my gender than I have ever been before.  I used to be so secure in my knowledge that I exist somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum.  But when reviewing my blog and pondering what I should pontificate about today, I see a shift in my thoughts.

Round and round I go, endlessly spinning my mental Rubik's Cube, twisting and turning the pieces trying desperately to see if I can solve this damn puzzle.

What puzzle you ask?

The puzzle of if I should actually pursue transitioning.

See.... it kind of bugs me that I am even thinking about that.  I don't really want to think about that.  Well.... okay, thinking about it does not bug me nearly as much as the thought of actually following through with it does.  I don't want to transition.  I like how I live.  Sure there are ups and downs, but that is life.  If there are not bumps in the road, it probably means that you suffering from a little thing called death.

What bugs is.... why does it keep rattling around in my head??  It concerns me because some part of me feels as though my opportunities, my best opportunities are passing me by.  In the last few months it has gotten more annoying.  It is like an itch that I can't scratch and all that it does is grow.  It has me seriously worried.  Worried about what may lay ahead for me.

And I wonder why now?

Do any of you out there in this awesome blog-o-sphere remember this post from back in July?  Well I will quote the important bit:

So why do I not want to go?  Because this is the time of year when I get to dress as much as I would like to.  And not having that freedom worries me.  It worries me because when I don't heed the signs, the desires grow. And I don't want them to grow.

Oftentimes I feel as though I am playing a balancing act, always attempting to find the sweet spot between my desires.  It is easy to find the time to be male, but I often struggle to find the time to be female.  And for most of my life the balance of power is in favor of my maleness.  When I don't get enough time for femininity is when I become worried.

Worried because the feelings inside of me grow.  Even with all of the writing I do about this subject, I find it terribly difficult to explain well; to explain it in a way that makes sense to even me, let alone anyone else.

But.... suffice it to say.... when I give too much to my maleness, I long for femaleness.  It is very rare, but has happened on occasion, when I give too much to my femaleness, I long for maleness.  And it is that feeling that I love.  That longing for maleness.  For that is what shows me who I really am.  When I go for too long longing for femaleness it begins to cloud my judgement and I begin thinking that it is all that I want, and that maybe I really want to live my life as a woman.  It is only when I get to experience being female for awhile that I am reminded of how much I also enjoy being male.

And now, 6-7 months later, this is the quagmire that I am engulfed within.  Almost all of my thoughts have been consumed with the idea of being a female that several times I have really seriously contemplated it.  It has been at least a year and half since I have longed for my maleness.  And I am bummed by that.  I am bummed that I have not been self reminded of how much I DO enjoy being male.

It is almost as if it has been so long that I have yearned to be male that I feel as though I have lost a part of me.  A part of me that I enjoy.  A part of me that I want.  A part of me that I love and I don't want to loose.

It is so weird.

Love you!



  1. You know Nadine, I'm a pretty simple guy. Occam's razor is a great guide. To me, if you are thinking about it, you have really made the choice. Now, the question is how far is enough to live female? Is it "living" or is it permanent body changes?

    best wishes

    1. Thanks Jennifer. I really like getting your thoughts on my ramblings. So, upon looking up Occam's razor, in general it states that the hypothesis with the fewest assumptions should be selected. Wouldn't it be that if I am selecting between staying male or becoming female, aren't there far more assumptions that are made with taking the path to transition?

      Now with the idea of me thinking about something being an indicator of having already having made a choice.... that is an interesting thought. How exactly is that possible? Let's carry that out.... if you are thinking about eating steak or spaghetti for this evening, are you then supposed to eat both? If I am thinking about getting a truck and I like both Fords and Toyotas, which car should I get? Because if I am thinking about one, then I have already made a choice. How exactly do you suppose that line of reasoning works? Or am I carrying it out to absurdity?

      Is it simply that someone like you has never considered transitioning and thus then, if someone like me is considering it then that points to a marked difference between you and I. And then I should take that as some sort of indicator that I should actually transition?

      Hmmm..... it is interesting what people read from my writing. Really I think what I am lamenting is that it has been too long since I have longed to be a male. As I mentioned to you once at dinner, it is those times that I dress for extended periods of time, a week or two or three, that I then feel that unusual feeling of desiring to dress male. It is only unusual because I spend so much time in male mode and only have limited time for female time that when I long for something, it always longing to be female. It is only when I get to dress to the point of being annoyed by it that I long for the other. So.... do I need to transition? Nope. I really just need a few weeks of daily dressing to remind myself that I don't want to be female full time, just as an occasional holiday!

  2. Nadine,
    IF I can make a suggestion, you would probably benefit from reading a book that has been out for a year called "No, Maybe, Yes" by Grace Stevens. Yes, it is a book about transitioning but it is much, much more. It is available on Amazon. It is a good read if one is transitioning or not and even for non-trans people.

    1. Hi Leann-
      Thanks for the thoughts.

      I will definitely check it out. Thanks for the resource!

  3. I'm the wife of a crossdresser who enjoys reading here for the fashion and musings. So it's sad to see you struggling so much with all these worries, which is why I decided to add a small thought that maybe you should consider getting a little medical help/therapy for what I think could be OCD before making any decisions? I've had experience here, and trust me when I say the world is a lot clearer when your head isn't tangled up and caught on repeat. This doesn't mean you won't still have gender issues to figure out, but I don't see how you can when you're just looping yourself into madness. Medication can also help when therapy doesn't.

    Anyway, just a two cent thought. I'm not a doctor and don't profess to diagnose you lol! But when you write of this issue I feel so very sympathetic as in my own life I've dealt with my own repetitive thought process that almost broke me. It still tries to on some days. I know now this is just how I am and try to work through what is reality and what is just my head messing with me. And given how anti the gender stereotypes I've found your musings, I guess it just surprises me that you're suddenly obsessed with picking a 'team'.

    1. Hi!

      You are so sweet. I can totally feel your care and concern for me! How touching. Seriously.

      As for having some OCD behaviors, um, yeah, that certainly describes me! Maybe more than I have demonstrated here. While they have gone undiagnosed officially, I don't need them to be to know they are there. Generally speaking I am aware of them and find ways to work with them.

      Right as you must have been typing your comments, Jules and I were speaking and I was pondering why several of my readers got what they got out of this post. We both read it over again and discussed it, and probably will continue to do so. I also made a few revisions that may have made my final points more clear. Maybe it is just that my wife and I speak about these things at length and we both know where I am at that we just kind of fill in the blanks that are present in my writings.

      So.... I don't want to transition, what I want is to be able to dress as a female until it bugs me. Which is what I know it will do, I just haven't had the chance to do it enough days in a row for too long.

      Wow... this reply is TOO long! AH!!!!! Okay, I'll stop! Maybe I should just start writing a follow up post to this one!

      Thanks so much for the concern!

  4. HI Nadine I have struggled with this in my early years and every thing is not as it appears the balance is what is the key keep enjoying both sides of life that you have now


  5. Hmmm... well that sounds kind of similar to what was going on in my head for two years before I started my transition. I definitely sympathize. Gender can be pretty frustrating sometimes.

    One thing I'd point out is that even if you were to take some small steps in the direction of transition, that wouldn't mean you'd have to transition "all the way". Like, for example, I see myself as a trans woman who's slightly genderqueer: I guess if I had to put a number on it I'd say I'm around 90% female. For someone like me it makes the most sense to live as a woman but I'm still very in touch with my masculine side. Now, it sounds like you're probably closer to the middle of spectrum than I am, but even if you were to, say, try some low dose hormones for a period of time, you could do that while still retaining your male side. Transition doesn't doesn't have to mean full 100% womanhood.

    Just a thought. Of course, you know far better than I do what's best for you.
    Take care!

    1. I totally agree on the idea that I do not have to go 100%. I'd really like to exist more around the 50/50 mark. That is how I feel mentally. If I could exist somehow that physically then I think I would be the most happy. Unfortunately I have read that HRT can take away some aspects of being a male that I appreciate too much to loose.

      Thanks for the thoughts! I love getting different perspectives!

  6. Nadine,

    I've been through a lot over the years, and I've experienced this very conundrum so many times. I kept trying to fit into the gender binary! Do I transition to female or stay male? Every week it seems that my answer would change. I seem to have a target level of femininity, and if I overshoot or undershoot, things get weird in exactly the manner you describe.

    I've come to accept a certain level of genderfluidity in my life. I won't have the same long-term desires tomorrow that I did yesterday. Yikes. I've come to describe four different gender modes: male, femme tomboy, bigender and agender... and I actually "poll" them. I make decisions by waiting until I've experienced all four modes and then acting. Deciding on a name took me FOREVER.

    I find that it's difficult me to correctly identify my own gender on a given day, as those four "modes" are actually just artificial lines I've drawn on a continuum. Getting dressed in the morning can be a dysphoria-inducing feedback loop. So I've devised a rapid test to help me get out the door faster in the morning: I stock my closet with 3-6 outfits, assembled on hangers. I glance in, and reach for the first outfit that I like. I put it on, and I'm almost always happy with the result. Sometimes I'll swap out one color of t-shirt for another or something, or very very rarely, I'll strip and put on a different outfit.

    I looked at the amount of effort that testosterone-base lifeforms put into making their bodies look feminine. I'd be exhausted by that too! I never bought breast forms or butt pads or any of that... and I get tired just reading how you make your (omg so very enticing) cleavage. I take a couple of pills a day. I'm 6 months in, and I've almost got cleavage of my very own. And more importantly to me... I look more feminine when I'm naked.

    For people who have been drenched in testosterone for this much of our lives... passing as male is never going to be a problem unless we get serious facial surgery done. Passing as female is always going to be more work. I rarely pass as either, and I'm happiest that way.


    1. Very interesting perspective Kelly! Thanks for sharing. I am fascinated by your choices.

      I love the idea of existing in the middle. I am very much interested in the idea of using HRT to provide my with opportunity to appear more in the middle of the spectrum. I am most concerned with loosing the functionality that I currently posses. I enjoy that aspect of my maleness too much to jeopardize it.

      Curiouser and curiouser!

    2. I was concerned by that too. I haven't lost functionality (YMMV), but I've lost desire. The funny thing about a loss of desire is... well, you don't care, so it doesn't feel like a loss. I'm also married to a ciswoman, so our interest level is now about the same. I used to have abnormally high T levels, and my libido was out of control and uncomfortable for both myself and my wife. I love sex... but I didn't love my constant and insatiable need for it.

      I haven't found a downside... though handling of emotions is definitely something that you need to re-learn. It's like writing left-handed: you think you know what you're doing, but the result is a total mess until you get some practice.


    3. I can see how this has been helpful for you Kelly, and it makes it intriguing for me! It is certainly a consideration for me and I thank you for sharing your experience on the matter.