I don't know if you have noticed, but I sure have; since about July or so I have been FAR more conflicted about my gender than I have ever been before. I used to be so secure in my knowledge that I exist somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum. But when reviewing my blog and pondering what I should pontificate about today, I see a shift in my thoughts.
Round and round I go, endlessly spinning my mental Rubik's Cube, twisting and turning the pieces trying desperately to see if I can solve this damn puzzle.
What puzzle you ask?
The puzzle of if I should actually pursue transitioning.
See.... it kind of bugs me that I am even thinking about that. I don't really want to think about that. Well.... okay, thinking about it does not bug me nearly as much as the thought of actually following through with it does. I don't want to transition. I like how I live. Sure there are ups and downs, but that is life. If there are not bumps in the road, it probably means that you suffering from a little thing called death.
What bugs is.... why does it keep rattling around in my head?? It concerns me because some part of me feels as though my opportunities, my best opportunities are passing me by. In the last few months it has gotten more annoying. It is like an itch that I can't scratch and all that it does is grow. It has me seriously worried. Worried about what may lay ahead for me.
And I wonder why now?
Do any of you out there in this awesome blog-o-sphere remember this post from back in July? Well I will quote the important bit:
So why do I not want to go? Because this is the time of year when I get to dress as much as I would like to. And not having that freedom worries me. It worries me because when I don't heed the signs, the desires grow. And I don't want them to grow.
Oftentimes I feel as though I am playing a balancing act, always attempting to find the sweet spot between my desires. It is easy to find the time to be male, but I often struggle to find the time to be female. And for most of my life the balance of power is in favor of my maleness. When I don't get enough time for femininity is when I become worried.
Worried because the feelings inside of me grow. Even with all of the writing I do about this subject, I find it terribly difficult to explain well; to explain it in a way that makes sense to even me, let alone anyone else.
But.... suffice it to say.... when I give too much to my maleness, I long for femaleness. It is very rare, but has happened on occasion, when I give too much to my femaleness, I long for maleness. And it is that feeling that I love. That longing for maleness. For that is what shows me who I really am. When I go for too long longing for femaleness it begins to cloud my judgement and I begin thinking that it is all that I want, and that maybe I really want to live my life as a woman. It is only when I get to experience being female for awhile that I am reminded of how much I also enjoy being male.
And now, 6-7 months later, this is the quagmire that I am engulfed within. Almost all of my thoughts have been consumed with the idea of being a female that several times I have really seriously contemplated it. It has been at least a year and half since I have longed for my maleness. And I am bummed by that. I am bummed that I have not been self reminded of how much I DO enjoy being male.
It is almost as if it has been so long that I have yearned to be male that I feel as though I have lost a part of me. A part of me that I enjoy. A part of me that I want. A part of me that I love and I don't want to loose.
It is so weird.