Wednesday, December 16, 2015
A Sweet Christmas Gift
I often read about how so many transgender folks fear the reaction from others when letting people in on their "little secret." Now I am not about to say that the world is filled with nothing but sugar and spice and everything nice, (just like little girls are!) but for me, the world is not what I at one time imagined it was.
Really I honestly felt as though my fellow human beings were something to be afraid of. Very afraid of. So afraid of that you need to protect yourself from them because inevitably they will hurt you.
And it was easy to delude myself into thinking that was the way that we are supposed to live. That it is simple human nature to want to protect ourselves. And besides, I was also helping them. I was protecting them from something that they did not want to know. There was no need for them to know and all the information could do was to cause problems.
Thus I kept my secret life to myself, well except for sharing it with my wife. And that didn't necessarily help the situation. It actually confirmed many of the thoughts I had for she felt very similar to me; humans are something to be afraid of. She and I knew my secret, and that was it. It was our burden to bear.
I still remember very vividly me telling Jules that I was going to share the secret with some of our close friends and she almost flipped out. She was sure that it would be a very poor idea to tell anyone. They were our friends and friends were super important, so important that we needed to be extra careful to not let them know the truth. For if they knew the truth then we might loose them as friends.
Isn't that a bit of a funny little statement? We so wanted them as friends and were afraid of loosing them as friends that we felt we could not be honest with them. How important were they if I felt as though I could not be honest with them? What kind of friend were they if I felt as though they would shun me if I told them I am transgender?
But more importantly, I realized, what kind of friend was I if I was unwilling to be open with who I am and what I like to do?
And that is really what shoved me over the edge and pushed me to begin revealing my "shameful, dirty, little secret," with those who are around me. Which is a giant lead in to what happened to me this very morning.
Last year, I began working with an intern at my job and one thing led to another and I shared with her that I am transgender. I took the step of also sharing this blog with her. Some of you may actually remember that particular blog post. If not, then go back here for a refresher.
So...... my intern came in to my office this morning and handed me a Christmas card. She wrote a beautiful message in a card and had included a gift card..... to Victoria's Secret! What a super sweet thing for anyone to do, but more so even from her. Not just that she is another human who I have let into my private life and has proved to be very accepting. Not just that she is someone who I work with on a daily basis at a place that many transgender folks insist that you should tell no one!
No not just those things, but as she spoke to me this morning, she informed me that she had to go stand in a line for a half an hour to just get to the register. And further more..... wait for it..... she actually hates Victoria's Secret! Ha! What a sweetheart! I could actually see the disdain on her face while she described being in that store. It was so heart warming to me.
Not that she hates Victoria's Secret, but that she would go through such a large effort to get something so personal for me! So.... if you are reading this Ms. Work Colleague, thank you SO MUCH!!! You have touched my heart in many ways.
And more than that really. She is yet another person who has shown me that I don't need to fear my fellow humans. That I can be open. I can be honest. I can tell people about who I am and they wont chase me down with torches and pitchforks yelling "kill the monster!"
No.... most of them will be touched that I shared something so personal with them.... most of them will feel included..... most of them will feel as though I took the first steps and treated them as a kind caring human being..... I treated them as a friend.
And on occasion they may even do something so kind in return that it warms you and makes you feel like crying because it makes you feel loved.