Most of my life I present as a male, and I have the obvious physical body of a male but I frequently do many things that most other males give me that strange questioning look for. And I often feel as though I am deceiving people by presenting as a male. That somehow because of my likes and dislikes I have disqualified myself from male-hood.
Which makes me think that maybe I should live my life as a woman. I already go out frequently dressed as a woman. Heck I got to spend the last three days as a woman. Even when I was on my morning walk, fully dressed as a woman except for wearing a beanie instead of my wig, people I encountered treated me as though I was in fact a woman. Which was quite cool actually.
But the problem was that I was still not all that comfortable. I have read many a post from other cross dressers who state that when they dress as a man they feel as though they are not presenting as their true selves. And then how when they dress as a woman, it is so freeing and wonderful and awesome that they can finally present as they really are.
And me? I never really feel very comfortable at all. I don't feel comfortable while presenting as a male and I don't feel comfortable while presenting as a female. Where exactly is my comfort level? Somewhere in the middle. That is really where I do feel the most comfortable. Presenting as a mix of gender, which is how I truly see myself, is what I am most comfortable with.
But that is so hard for others to understand. Wanting to be male, yeah, I get'cha, wanting to be female, yeah, I get'cha. Wanting to be a mix between the two, yeah, I have no idea what you mean. I really wonder if those that exist within the binary really understand how gendered our society is. I notice it everyday. Every time I listen to music. Every time I watch TV. And just about every time I speak with anyone for any real length of time. Our society is not just centered around a binary gender, the world is.
Too bad that some of us don't fit into the expectations.
Regardless of your gender.