What does it mean to be comfortable? I get it when you are talking about things like shoes, or clothes, or temperatures and the like, but when it comes to my gender it becomes much more difficult for me to put into words well. I write little bits and blurbs and then quickly erase them as they don't seem to capture the essence of what I am feeling.
I have tried talking with cisgender folks about it and they really struggle to understand where I am coming from, but I have also written here many times how I feel about my gender, and the inner confusion and discomfort that I feel and occasionally I still get folks that don't quite understand what it is that I mean.
I suppose that this stems from my observations of others, and my assumptions about how they feel. Maybe that is a mistake I am making. Maybe nobody is comfortable with who they are. Maybe everyone else on the planet questions their gender and considers transition.
Maybe, but I highly doubt it.
I read many other blogs and most of them are not transgender related and none of them ever have any discussions of questioning their gender. As well, most of the transgender blogs, and chat boards that I frequent most others state that they feel so right when they dress as the opposite gender, that they finally feel "whole."
And for me, I don't. I don't feel as though all is right with the world and with myself and that I am finally able to relax and just be me. I wish that I did. I wish that when I dressed as a woman that I finally felt right. That I finally felt at peace with myself, that my outsides finally match with my insides. But I don't.
I have mentioned before that I don't feel comfortable presenting as either gender. And people have responded by saying that I have a comfortable life, or that I smile very nicely, or that I appear very confident, or that I have an accepting spouse, or that I get out and about all of the time. Well, yeah all of those things are true, but none of those things mean that I have arrived at some sort of comfort level with my gender.
Like I finally understand, oh I get it, I am a male, or that I dress as a woman and finally feel whole and realize, "oh holy crap, I NEED to transition." I kind of wish that I could come to that conclusion. Because then maybe that stupid squirrel would stop running around in my head.
What would it mean to me to be comfortable? That I would not question on a daily basis whether or not I should just quit doing anything outside of the norm for my gender or if I should just transition and live life as a female. Pretty much every day of my life I go back and forth, I should just be 100% male or I should try and be as female as possible.
Back and forth, back and forth.
Back and forth.
Every single fucking day!
So how is that comfort?
Even if I live in a nice house?
Even if I smile pretty?
Even if I confidently get out and about?
It is not comfortable mulling this over and over.
Now don't get me wrong. There are plenty of things I am quite happy about with my life. I am thrilled that I have been able to achieve some sort of balance in my life. I am thrilled that I have such an awesomely accepting spouse. I am confident in my presentation, regardless of how I am dressed. I have a fine job that gives me lots of freedom in my gender expression. I have lots and lots and lots and lots.
It is still just this unending unanswerable questioning that runs around in my head that I really wish I could just figure out how to get it to shut up.
Sometimes I feel as though all I am capable of doing is placing a pacifier into its mouth for a little bit before having it spit it out and start crying again.
Sometimes I get tired of being outside my comfort zone.
Sometimes I get tired of learning.
Sometimes I get tired of growing.
Especially when sometimes it feels as though I am growing nowhere.
Fight to love yourself!
Even if it is tiring.