Thursday, October 15, 2015
Anorexic? Nah, Just Gender Dysphoria!
But it has always made me ponder, what exactly is wrong with me? Why am I never really happy with my body? When I was 30 years old and I finally weighed myself with a scale at a local pool, and discovered that I was about 40-50 pounds over the weight I had been in college, I thought I understood why I wasn't happy with my body.
I began exercising and dieting and eventually I lost the weight. But when I actually reached my goal weight and I was still not happy with my body, I honestly became more than a bit worried. What if Jules was right? What if I truly was anorexic? What would that mean to me going forward with my life? Would I end up being one of those folks I have read about who starve themselves and slowly wither away to the intense detriment of themselves, seemingly unable to do anything about it?
Seriously. As the years rolled by and my feelings about my body never seemed to change, no matter how much I dieted, no matter how many sit-ups I did, no matter how much I swam, the one constant remained. Whenever Jules stated how hot and sexy my body was, I would always tell her that she was wrong and my body was anything but hot and sexy.
For ten years or so I maintained my weight at about 150lbs. I am 5'9". In male clothes, I wear a size 30 waist pant. In female clothes, I can fit in skirts that range from a size 4 - 6. And yet, I have never been satisfied. I have never felt good about my body. I have never thought the way Jules has about me.
And then, just quite recently, I finally began to understand what is wrong with me. I don't want a male body. It is as simple as that. I don't like the looks of my body, because I keep expecting to be able to look into the mirror and see the body of a woman.
Well I suppose that at least now I know it is not anorexia.
Good for me!
At least Jules can admire my body!
Good that someone can admire my hard work!
I do appreciate it, I just wish I actually liked it.
Even though it is hard.
Even if it is something that you have to force yourself to learn to do.
I am trying!
I hope you are!