Thursday, July 23, 2015

The Balance of Power

Do you know that it has been over two years since I have gone more than 24 hours without having polish on my fingernails?  I vaguely remember what started it all off.  I had been wearing my nails polished on occasion but not all of the time and in an entirely unrelated incident I began to have some difficulties at work.  That was the beginning of the issues you may have read about here.

Anywho... I figured at the time, I am working so hard to try and conform to what others want me to be, and even then there are still difficulties!  So why am I worried about them finding out about me and being upset when they are already getting upset with me?  (BTW, as is often the case with me, I totally misconstrued what turned out to be one cranky employee's opinion of me.)  But anyway what it caused was for me to decide that if others are not going to like me, they may as well not like me for who I really am.

Thus I began wearing my nails painted daily and in whatever shades I felt like wearing.  Bright red?  Sure.  Pink, on occasion.  Most often it has been a sparkly blue.  Sometimes just bright silver sparklies!

And in just a short bit, my two year streak will be ending.  I will voluntarily be removing my polish for about two to three weeks.  Why, you ask?  Well...

In awhile from now I will be taking a trip that I don't really want to go on.

As many of you know, my dad passed away earlier this year, what you may not know is that we have yet to bury him.  At the time of his death it was mid winter and being as he wanted to be buried in Pennsylvania and the ground was frozen solid we decided to wait til summer to bury his ashes.

Before my dad died, last summer Jules and I made a plan to visit my mother's grave site, who died twenty years ago and we have yet to be back to Wisconsin where her grave is at.  I had told my sister of this idea and she decided to join us along with her family. The plan was that after our Wisconsin visit we would then go to her house in upstate New York.

Well after my dad died we decided to roll everything together into one large trip and do it all.  Since then, I have also been contracted to do some mentoring for my employment, which will take place immediately following my return from my trip back east.

Once I realized that I would be gone from my house for about three weeks, I began to get really nervous about it all.  I am not nervous about the trip, and even though we are taking care of some very serious stuff along the way, the trip sounds like it will be enjoyable.  We are going to get to visit with family that I have not seen for many years.

So why do I not want to go?  Because this is the time of year when I get to dress as much as I would like to.  And not having that freedom worries me.  It worries me because when I don't heed the signs, the desires grow. And I don't want them to grow.

Oftentimes I feel as though I am playing a balancing act, always attempting to find the sweet spot between my desires.  It is easy to find the time to be male, but I often struggle to find the time to be female.  And for most of my life the balance of power is in favor of my maleness.  When I don't get enough time for femininity is when I become worried.

Worried because the feelings inside of me grow.  Even with all of the writing I do about this subject, I find it terribly difficult to explain well; to explain it in a way that makes sense to even me, let alone anyone else.

But.... suffice it to say.... when I give too much to my maleness, I long for femaleness.  It is very rare, but has happened on occasion, when I give too much to my femaleness, I long for maleness.  And it is that feeling that I love.  That longing for maleness.  For that is what shows me who I really am.  When I go for too long longing for femaleness it begins to cloud my judgement and I begin thinking that it is all that I want, and that maybe I really want to live my life as a woman.  It is only when I get to experience being female for awhile that I am reminded of how much I also enjoy being male.

And thus my concern about my trip back east.  I really don't know what I am going to do.  My two options are to go but to not bring any female clothes at all and do the whole trip totally male, or I could bring female items and dress when I can.  Both options worry me and as of right now, I really don't know what would be best.

Did I ever mention that I am a Libra?  No?  Well I don't put much stock in astrological signs but I do have to say that it is interesting how much I struggle to achieve some sort of balance.

I'll keep you all updated.

Love you!

Balance your lives.

If you can.


  1. Income idea - write an Amazon ebook. Pull together your best posts and content to connect it all.


    1. I've totally thought about this idea Clare. I am unsure if I should use already published posts or if I should write something original. Hmm.... Thanks for the thoughts!

    2. Mix it up. You will hit a lot of readers that haven't read the blog posts.

  2. I get what your are saying completely but I am not sure if folks who do not deal with trans issues will get it. I do not put too much stock in astrology but since my sign is Gemini I have wondered if one of my twin sides is male and the other female.

    Will you be driving or flying. In either case I suggest that you take enough female clothes to get out and about as Nadine if the opportunity arises.

    I understand your affinity to your nails. Perhaps you can keep your toes polished. As for me I have the need to wear some items of women's clothing on a regular basis. It is my means of connecting to the female side of my person. Daily I wear panties and pantyhose. I also sleep in a nylon night gown and panties and often wear my pantyhose and sometimes a bra with forms to bed.

    I find that the regular contact with female items as well as the occasional outing are necessary for me to keep a reasonable feeling of balance in my life. As you deal with the issues surrounding the reason for this trip as well as your interactions with friends and relatives that you rarely see you will have a sense of assurance knowing that you have panties and perhaps hose on under your slacks or shorts and your private knowledge of having painted toes will help keep you connected to your femaleness.

    My two cents.


    1. Good thoughts, thanks Pat. I am for sure going to keep my toe nails painted. I think that not having my fingernails painted specifically is what is bugging me. I have had them done for so long, it is going to feel bizarre to not have them done. The underwear? I don't even own male underwear anymore. So that is definitely going to be fem. I do think that I will bring along some full Nadine outfits though. I think I will loose my shit if I don't!

  3. Nadine, here's a thought, are you able to maybe paint your toenails? If you were worried about someone seeing, you could just wear shoed with socks. Then it would be a comfort to you and nobody would be the wiser!

    1. Thanks Lisa. That is a good thought for sure and something that I will certainly be doing. Even though it is my own plans, I am bummed about the fingernails specifically!

  4. Hi Nadine, thank you for sharing your thoughts. My husband is transgender but not transitioning. He and I read your blog and find it comforting too see we're not alone. Your words resonate with him and we often talk about it and have found it to be a healthy way to communicate his own feelings and mine too. Finding balance is not easy and that certainly has been the challenge for him. Staying positive and knowing others share similar situations has been helpful. Thank you!

    1. Wow! That is awesome! I am so thrilled that you two read my blog and get some sort of comfort out of it. It is so touching to me to read these stories of folks that I am able to help in some small way. It honestly brings tears to my eyes.

      Yeah the whole balance thing is a toughie for sure.

      Thank you so much for commenting and letting me know that I have been able to help the two of you!

  5. Hi Nadine,
    your post shows that trans women still feel forced to adapt to social and cultural norms. As long as people can't really deal with transgender problems we have to struggle to find the time to be female, to live as a woman or even to transition. Trans women have to be so courageous.
    It's bad enough to remove nail polish for a while ( by the way, your nails are fab!), so why should you leave women's clothes at home? I'm sure there will be opportunities to dress.
    Indeed, sharing your life and thoughts is really helpful, Nadine! Thanks so much!
    I wish you a wonderful trip.