Monday, June 15, 2015
When Does It Pass Gender Non-Conforming?
The heat has hit here in California and I am currently staring at a thermometer reading of 105! For the past few summers it has occurred to me that I absolutely hate guy shorts! I was explaining my issues with male shorts to my sister and she came up with the term of "shants." I was calling them half pants, but shants has a much nicer ring to it! Thanks sis!
I think it may have been just a year ago that I decided to go with my enjoyment of female shorts and stop changing out of them every time I decided to go into town. Thus I have mentally pushed myself to just wear the clothes I am wearing, regardless of where I am going. Frequently that means, I wear females shorts, a female tank top, my female shoes, and a male hat.
This summer though I decided to include wearing a bra, just as is pictured to the left.. Why? Good question! One that I have asked myself many times since I began to do this a few days ago. I have mulled it over in my brain and with my wife, but am still unsure as to a good answer. Suffice it to say that I have been contemplating getting my body to be a bit more inline with my brain's conception of my own gender; which if you are unclear is somewhere in between male and female.
I only know of one way to accomplish that, HRT, hormone replacement therapy. But honestly, that absolutely terrifies me. It is so permanent and while some effects would be appreciated, I don't know that I really want all of the effects that it might bring. I mean, if you are wanting to transition, then obviously HRT would be a good avenue for you. But if you are just wanting to be somewhere more in the middle?
Okay, well that is not currently an answerable question for me. Possibly due to an extreme lack of information. For example, what would it be like to have breasts that cannot be quickly and easily removed with a simple unlatching of a bra? What would it be like to have to live with them, regardless of what I am doing and regardless of what I choose to wear?
It is easy to think, oh no big deal. I am already fully dressing in women's clothes, from head to toe, what difference is a bra going to make? Many of my bras only have a small bit of padding and thus I would estimate that it appears as though I have A cup breasts. And I am suddenly acutely aware that breasts are total eye magnets! I have noticed cashiers staring openly at them as well as just random people in the stores and on the streets. And so just in the few days I have been experimenting I have come to realize that people notice; pretty much everyone notices!
Which has caused me to remove my bra twice. The first time, I took my dog on a walk and on the way back two of my female neighbors were out chatting. We all spoke on the street for a moment and I told them I would bring up my new puppy for them to see. When I came back up, I had removed my bra. The next time was this morning when again, while on my walk, I saw other neighbors, a husband and wife. I told them I would come by in a little bit and share some of my garden's vegies. When I went over, I had removed the bra.
What does that mean then? Well if I had real breasts, then I would never be able to remove them. Kind of a permanent change huh?
Thus for now, the experiment continues.
Though it does make me wonder. Have I passed gender non-conforming? Have I passed cross dressing? Am I on to something else? Is this a new realm for me? A different path? A slide down the slippery slope?
What does it take to love yourself?
Should you change
Or should you figure out how to be happy with who you are?
Such a Rubic's Cube problem.
BTW - Did you happen to catch the photo of me in my new bikini?