The other day I stated to Jules "Oh yay! Finally!"
She questioned what was going on.
I responded with "I so do NOT want to put this dang bra on."
And I continued "But, to drive the point home, I am going to still do it."
This conversation is a good example of how my bra experiment is going. If you do not remember, in a previous post, I mentioned that I am trying to wear a bra while dressed as a guy. The main reason behind this is that I have been contemplating what it would be like to live my life with a body that is a bit more of a blend of the two genders. More specifically, what would it be like to live my life if I actually developed breasts.
|What a cute bra!!! I want it!!|
And after only about two weeks, I have come to the conclusion of I DO NOT want real boobs. Okay, well maybe I want real boobs, but I DO NOT want real boobs even more. Most specifically because of their permanence.
See...the thing is... that even during these two weeks, I have taken off my bra repeatedly. I have not worn it while sleeping, nor while swimming, or at the lake, or specific times, interacting with certain people. Most of those things, I don't care about.... the one that does is me taking it off to interact with certain people. I still wore 100% female clothes, and went and interacted with them, but I personally chose to not wear the bra. (Even at an almost no padded, A cup bra, it really makes me look like I have small breasts.) And when I went and talked with acquaintances, while I felt totally fine and comfortable wearing my female, tank top, short shorts, and shoes, I did not feel comfortable looking like I had breasts.
It also made me think about work, and what would things be like at there? What I am currently doing gives me very small A cup breasts. And they are incredibly noticeable! Like all the time. Maybe if I chose to wear guy clothes it could potentially help hide it, but not by much. And when you choose to take steps to create real breasts, unless it is done surgically, you do not get to dictate the size.
So... I chose to take it off on occasion... and actual real breasts are NOT removable... therefore.... I do not want to have my own breasts. I like the freedom of being able to look like I do not have breasts or that I do have breasts, if I want to.
Sometimes it drives me bonkers thinking about this stuff so much; I often wonder what it feels like to never question your gender. But at the same time... by continually questioning myself, and experimenting here and there... I feel closer and closer to really knowing who I am and what I like.
I am enjoying the experiment.
I am enjoying the feeling of being tired of wearing a bra.
Too often in my life I feel a pulling... a tugging... a nudging... pushing me to try and be more feminine. It is like a lightly buzzing sound coming from the ceiling above your favorite warm fuzzy chair. You are all snuggled up nicely in your yummy chair and yet, there is a small annoying sounding buzz coming from somewhere hidden and try as you might you just can't quite figure out where it is coming from and how the hell to get it to stop!
And so I come up with an experiment to try out having breasts and the current result is that I already have turned that annoying little buzz that says...hey be a bit more feminine... is now saying... hey can we please bit a bit more masculine. Thus confirming a previous theory of mine, I feel best somewhere in the middle. Too much of one or the other and it begins to bug me.
Thus... I am tired of wearing a bra... but I like being tired of wearing a bra...
Sometimes I think I am SO weird!
Do you allow yourself the freedom to experiment and figure out who you are?