Monday, April 13, 2015

My Wife & I Respond to A Reader's Questions - Lesbian Couple?

(I think it is time for an updated picture of us, huh?)

Recently I received the following comment from a reader:

You have very good taste in fashion! 

I'm the wife of a closeted (mostly fetish) crossdresser and stumbled on your blog. It's certainly another side of things that I'm enjoying reading about.

If it's okay to ask, you look very authentic but I was wondering if this doesn't bother your wife? I like being part of a heterosexual couple and I like being seen as such, and one area that saddens me about my husbands dressing is if we were out publicly like you are, we would look like a lesbian couple. Does this upset your wife at all? 

Anyway, sorry if I've derailed your blog. I was just curious if how I feel is common. And can I hire you as a stylist please?!! :)

I will offer my answers first, and then I will post up Jules' thoughts on the questions!

First off, thank you so much for your complements and good for you for reaching out.  Secondly, I love helping anyone work on their style, so if you are serious, I am sure we could figure out some way for me to offer you my assistance!

So, to your more pressing concerns:

Does presenting authentically as a woman bother my wife?

I don't think me looking as you describe has affected her thoughts of me.  This look has taken time to develop and it has not always been as it is now.  I couldn't really correlate her behavior as changes with my appearance.

Does it upset my wife to appear as a lesbian couple and not a heterosexual one?

I would have to say that at first, yeah it kind of did, at least from my perception.  But it didn't really come about much until a few times when some folks would ask her, or me, how we knew each other.  Neither of us really knew how to respond.  We were not really sure that we wanted folks to see us as a married couple or not.  But when it did come up, we discussed it.

That was kind of when some of Jules' thoughts about how we were being perceived came out.  But it really turned into more of a discussion about how both of us we being inhibited by how we thought others were perceiving us.  Thinking that made us both act differently.  It took time and effort for us to both just relax and be willing to be ourselves.

I will say that it is interesting in that when we are presenting as we think that most of society is, straight and non-transgender, we have a perception that we are just like everyone else, that somehow everyone perceives us as "normal."  And thus being as we are perceived as normal, we are part of the group.  We are just like everyone else.  It is hard to stand out from the group.  It is hard to be different.  But the vast majority of it is really only in our own perceptions.  It is the rare person who will make a scene in public.  Most people try very hard to avoid conflicts.  And no one has ever been rude to either Jules or I, towards either my dressing or the possibility that we may be a lesbian couple.

I was curious if how I feel is common?

Um yeah.  How you feel is quite common, from what I can gather.  I am a member of a site: and from what I have read about other couples on that site, your feelings are very common.  Maybe you can visit there and connect with other wives of cross dressers.  It might be comforting being able to chat about your feelings with others in similar situations.

And no, you have not derailed my blog.  I LOVE getting reader's questions.  And if in anyway, I could ever possibly help someone along this terribly bumpy road that we call life, you have given me a wonderful gift!

Best of luck to you!!

Jules' response:

Jules Spirit here, Nadine's wife. I thought I would respond to your comment and share with you and others what I went through regarding going out in public with Nadine when dressed as a woman.

For me, going out with my husband dressed for the first bit left me with a feeling of being uncomfortable. I was not really sure why I felt that way, but I definitely did feel odd. 

At first, I told him that I feel sad that I couldn't interact with him while he was dressed in the same way I did when he was presenting as male. I actually felt angry about this. I did feel odd thinking that people were looking at us if he or I showed any affection out in the world, that people might think we were lesbians.

 But I had to take a step back and look at myself. I am bisexual and have have girlfriends I went out in public with and never once felt weird about showing affection to them. Also, I have never really been someone who cares what other people think about me. So the feelings I was having about my husband were not valid. 

I then came to the realization that my husband acted  different while dressed. He was more insecure and bashful, yet he is rarely to never like this when dressed in drab. After talking to him about this, he also noticed this and has worked hard to just be himself, regardless of how he is presenting. That helped a lot! 

One other thing that has helped a lot is how I think about him when he is dressed. I, too, was acting differently towards him when he was dressed. Now, when he dresses, and we go out, (or stay home), I remember that no matter what clothes my husband is wearing, he is still the same person. He  is the person I love, married, and live with every day.  

I guess my end thoughts about all of this is that the packaging doesn't matter, the person inside does. Anyone who may see us when we are out with him dressed can think anything they want, because the only person I care about what they are thinking is my husband.

I hope this helps you through this very interesting time period in your life and marriage.


  1. I think it's great that you and Jules have such a great relationship but if you want your readers to understand why, then Julus being bisexual is the key element. For most heterosexual wives, this is a real struggle, and often does not end well. We explored this husband-wife relationship on Sister House in a recent article

    I'm not challenging your feelings but often we are not the same person when we dress. We have two sides to our personality and they do act and feel differently eventhough we reside in the same body. It's the dream of a crossdresser that our wives could see us as one person, but unfortunately many can not. Hoorah for you seriously

    1. Yeah, I get what you are saying about Jules being bisexual, but I disagree that is the "key" element. I think the key element is our ability to converse with each other about our needs. As well as this particular post is not centered around our great relationship, it is responding specifically to the reader's questions regarding how we are perceived in public. A thing about bisexuals is that they are similar to transgender folks in that many of them exist within society and the person next to them has no idea.

      I agree that many wives struggle with their transgender husbands, but I do not really know if that would best be described as "most." From wha tI have seen on, the results from coming out can be quite varied, with utter un-acceptance and separation occurring with a fairly small portion of the community.

      As well as often times there are other extenuating circumstances surrounding the reveal of being TG. Such as the length of time it often takes a spouse to reveal themselves to their partner. Often times it is the resulting lack of trust that dissolves the relationship at its core and not the TG issue.

      This is a many faceted affair and to state that because one is bisexual and that is the key element in acceptance is too limited. Does it assist? Sure. But keep in mind, while I may on occasion play a female, I am NOT female. Being bisexual means you enjoy both genders, especially in a sexual manner. In terms of visual acceptance, Jules has enjoyed me primarily due to my male characteristics. And when one enjoys your male characteristics and you begin to blur them, it can be very upsetting regardless of what you enjoy sexually.

      As well, I have tried very hard to understand that I am not two different people, I am one person with a large variety of interests. Over time I have realized that my "true" place in the TG spectrum is more along the lines of gender non-conforming. The swinging back and forth between two "sides" of oneself that many cross dressers express is NOT for me. And further, if it is the dream of CDs for our spouse to see us as one person, how can that occur when so many of us do not feel that is who we are. My spouse sees me as one person primarily, I think, because I see myself as one person.

      I think maybe this deserves a more in-depth explanation than maybe a comment on a comment deserve.

      Thanks for the comment Tasi. It has really sparked some thoughts for me and for Jules!

  2. Hi Nadine, Jules, and the Reader that asked you these great questions!

    I thought I'd share my girlfriend and my thoughts on this too.

    First, I feel extremely lucky to have a (genetic) girlfriend that supports me as a trans person. It is the most precious gift I have ever received (well, I'm still receiving it, knock on wood ;-) )

    My girlfriend loves the chance to be out in public with me en-femme. She loves being a part of the LGBT community, and being perceived somehow being a part of that group of people. And by her personal choice to be public and proud in her support of acceptance of people no matter what their gender identity or sexual preferences are.

    Lofty high ideals aside, she also loves playing around and having fun with being gender fluid herself. She likes to go "butch" some times with her clothes, and with a bit of public role-reversal at times with me being more androgynous and her leaning more en-homme. But she also loves being able to go out on a date as girlfriends. When we have gone out we have held hands, kissed, we say "I love you". Maybe some are offended, but probably most are like "yeah, cool. They aren't afraid to be who they are". At least that's how we think when we see people "out of the norm" being normal!

    At the end of the day we love each other for who we are, in total. Like Jules said, the only one I care about what they are thinking is my significant other. And she loves me for who I am :-)

    1. How beautiful Jen! Thanks for sharing.

      It is interesting in the more comfortable I have become in being myself, the more Jules has explored that maybe she has a bit of transgender leanings within herself as well. There are times when she really likes getting all dolled up but there are also times when she loves dressing more androgynous. It is great to be able to see her relaxing more and being willing to be herself!

      Thanks for the comments!

  3. This was a good post with a good set of questions and two good responses.
    My wife continues to fear any sort of disclosure so she has not gone out with me and she worries if I am ever out alone. Of course, she is the worrying type who worries about me and our family all the time no matter what we may be doing and in my case regardless of how I am dressed.
    All I can add is that familiarity breeds comfort. You can see how you are both increasingly more comfortable with the presentation. In my case, even though she has her issues about going out she has become very comfortable with me dressed around the house. She pretty much likes my style and presentation. Saturday I was casual in a jean skirt and tank top outfit that she liked. Sunday I wore a black dress with small white polka dots and she commented about how nice and cute I looked several times. Since she never says something she does not mean I found her compliments quite affirming.

    1. Thanks Pat.

      Good observation about familiarity. It is tough to see how much Jules and I have changed over the years and outside observations are often very helpful in allowing insights to ourselves. That is one of the more fascinating things about having been blogging for as long as I have been. It is a journal of sorts and a recording of our history. It is quite enjoyable to look back and see all of the changes that both of us have made.

      Oh, and that is great Pat about your wife commenting on your looks. That is very sweet of her. Her growing comfort with your gender presentations is very touching!

  4. Great post, you two! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)

  5. Great picture. Two very lovely women. First, I want to say how lucky you are to have such a wonderful, understanding lady in your life. My wife does not know of my crossdressing and would not understand. Anyway, great picture, you two look so happy.

  6. Let me clarify my comment which is supported by Jen Smith's observations as well. Being a bisexual or gender non-conforming wife opens your mind to non-standard relationships with transgender husbands and minimizes those reasons that wives divorce their husbands for crossdressing. I have seen this as a common trend where these relationships exist.

    On the other hand, no amount of talking between them will save a marriage if the wife can not except or is not inclined towards tolerance. I have seen this too.

    I not sure that those swings between the two sides of my personality is a conscious thing. I'm very much an alpha male when in male mode, although my feminine side has softened it quite a bit over the years. When in fem mode, I feel free to do the womanly things that all females do without concern that I have to meet some arbitrary masculine value. This is all done naturally and I don't see it so much as a shift than as a simple expression of who I am at that moment.

    1. Thanks for clarifying Tasi. I can appreciate your viewpoints. I do think there are many things that can influence whether or not a marriage will survive a reveal of being transgender. It is a difficult situation for all parties involved and no one thing can guarantee success for everyone in every situation.

      Thanks for the thoughts!

  7. quite awhile ago i went out with a verrry accepting girlfriend a GG who said she didn't mind me dressing when were were to gether but that she would treat me a bit different when seen as to gals.
    on the other had my dad several years ago in his mid 80's said " our exterior is only a shell that we use to recognize each other by but the true self is inside" i feel blessed that he was so accepting because living in secrete was driving a wedge between us which had never been there in the past. so i am grateful that he was sooo accepting. several months before he passed he said "i haven't ween diana in awhile" and i said "that can be arraigned so we once again had sunday dinner together.

    1. Thanks for the thoughts Diana. What a wonderful father you had!