Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas - Happy Holidays!

Just a quick note to you all, wishing you a merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season!

I hope that you all are able to be with family and be who you are.

Love you!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Another Rainy Day, Another Outfit!

Coat - Guess - Similar
Sweater - WHBM - Similar

I really like this outfit.  Though I will admit while I was out and about today getting my nails done, I was not wearing these shoes, or this coat.  I like this outfit because it contains a few of my favorite things.  Like this sweater.  I so love it!  I really like how the zig-zagging line and alternating colors kind of help create a waist for me.

The coat is an all time fave of mine.  I asked Jules if she thought I could get away with wearing it while dressed as a guy.  Her response was "well if you it is okay that others know that you are wearing a woman's coat then go ahead."  I don't think it is cut too femininely, like my red coat is.  But I do suppose that the color is a bit large for a males coat, or even a coat that could pass as a males coat.  Hmm..... I so do love the warmth that a wool coat provides!

Here is what I had done on my nails today.  Not the best picture, but you can kind of see what I had done.  It is a base coat of a sparkly blue and then different sized polka dots.  It turned out SO cute!  I really like it.

Thanks everyone!  Sorry I have been so lackadaisical about posting lately.  I have a bit of time off for now so hopefully I can get back on the ball with things!

Love you!

Love yourselves!

Buy yourself something fun for Christmas!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

A Sweet Christmas Gift

I often read about how so many transgender folks fear the reaction from others when letting people in on their "little secret."  Now I am not about to say that the world is filled with nothing but sugar and spice and everything nice, (just like little girls are!) but for me, the world is not what I at one time imagined it was.

Really I honestly felt as though my fellow human beings were something to be afraid of.  Very afraid of.  So afraid of that you need to protect yourself from them because inevitably they will hurt you.

And it was easy to delude myself into thinking that was the way that we are supposed to live.  That it is simple human nature to want to protect ourselves.   And besides, I was also helping them.  I was protecting them from something that they did not want to know.  There was no need for them to know and all the information could do was to cause problems.

Thus I kept my secret life to myself, well except for sharing it with my wife.  And that didn't necessarily help the situation.  It actually confirmed many of the thoughts I had for she felt very similar to me; humans are something to be afraid of.  She and I knew my secret, and that was it.  It was our burden to bear.

I still remember very vividly me telling Jules that I was going to share the secret with some of our close friends and she almost flipped out.  She was sure that it would be a very poor idea to tell anyone.  They were our friends and friends were super important, so important that we needed to be extra careful to not let them know the truth.  For if they knew the truth then we might loose them as friends.

Isn't that a bit of a funny little statement?  We so wanted them as friends and were afraid of loosing them as friends that we felt we could not be honest with them.  How important were they if I felt as though I could not be honest with them?  What kind of friend were they if I felt as though they would shun me if I told them I am transgender?

But more importantly, I realized, what kind of friend was I if I was unwilling to be open with who I am and what I like to do?

And that is really what shoved me over the edge and pushed me to begin revealing my "shameful, dirty, little secret," with those who are around me.  Which is a giant lead in to what happened to me this very morning.

Last year, I began working with an intern at my job and one thing led to another and I shared with her that I am transgender.  I took the step of also sharing this blog with her.  Some of you may actually remember that particular blog post.  If not, then go back here for a refresher.

So...... my intern came in to my office this morning and handed me a Christmas card.  She wrote a beautiful message in a card and had included a gift card..... to Victoria's Secret!  What a super sweet thing for anyone to do, but more so even from her.  Not just that she is another human who I have let into my private life and has proved to be very accepting.  Not just that she is someone who I work with on a daily basis at a place that many transgender folks insist that you should tell no one!

No not just those things, but as she spoke to me this morning, she informed me that she had to go stand in a line for a half an hour to just get to the register.  And further more..... wait for it..... she actually hates Victoria's Secret!  Ha!  What a sweetheart!  I could actually see the disdain on her face while she described being in that store.  It was so heart warming to me.

Not that she hates Victoria's Secret, but that she would go through such a large effort to get something so personal for me!  So.... if you are reading this Ms. Work Colleague, thank you SO MUCH!!!  You have touched my heart in many ways.

And more than that really.  She is yet another person who has shown me that I don't need to fear my fellow humans.  That I can be open.  I can be honest.  I can tell people about who I am and they wont chase me down with torches and pitchforks yelling "kill the monster!"

No.... most of them will be touched that I shared something so personal with them.... most of them will feel included..... most of them will feel as though I took the first steps and treated them as a kind caring human being..... I treated them as a friend.

And on occasion they may even do something so kind in return that it warms you and makes you feel like crying because it makes you feel loved.


Monday, December 14, 2015

Rainy Day Outfit With A Miniskirt!

Jacket - Pelle Studio - Similar
Skirt - Guess - Similar
Leggings - Guess - Similar
Boots - Guess - Similar

Sorry for the poor quality photo, but alas in the middle of the rain it was the best that I could get!  It is unfortunate that you can't seer the detail with the boots and the leggings.  Oh well!  Hmm... to describe it a bit.... the leggings have a leather strip running up the side of them and the boots come to a little bit above the knee.  I really like the boots.  They are the tallest pair that I own, and I really like them because they are super slim.  This is due to a side zip and a back zip as well.  Yummy!

Anywho.... I wore this outfit to go to the movies.  Jules and I finally saw Mockingjay Part 2.  We enjoyed it, if you are interested.    I am so funny when going to the movies though.  It shows a big difference between Jules and I.  I am the type who would prefer to be at the theater about 15 minutes before the scheduled start time of the show.  I don't need to be in the theater that early, but at least in the parking lot.  So I was stressing out as we pulled up for an 11:00 show, directly at 11:00.  I was internally flipping out! Jules though was totally calm, cool, and collected.  She said, don't worry, they always show lots of garbage before the actual movie begins.  And of course, she was totally right!  As it was we still sat through about five previews.  Anways..... we both enjoyed the film.

I know, a thrill a minute going on over here!  After the show we visited Sally's Beauty Supply.  Jules picked up hair dye while I tried to find hair clips that I actually like.  Unfortunately I need to find another location to find good clips!  Any advice from my lovely readers?

Okay... gotta run....

Love you!

Watch movies!

Love yourselves!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Outfit for a Museum

Top - Max Studio - Similar

This past weekend it was Jules' birthday and I took her to Santa Barbara for a little fun.  The idea began because one of our favorite bands, Pink Martini, was playing a show there.  It was pretty crazy trying to get there on time as we worked that morning and then hopped in the car and sped off down California to try and make the show.  Luckily we made it with time to spare and the show was awesome.  But, no, I did not get an opportunity to dress as a woman that night.

The above picture is from the next day.  Jules decided that she wanted to visit a couple of different museum and thus I chose something comfy and easy to walk in.  Most likely I have already shown this outfit here, or at least an outfit that is darn similar!  But I really like it.  It is nice and simple, easy to wear, and weather friendly.  The material is rather thin, thus it is not too hot, but not so thick that I can't wear a jacket over it if needed.

And of course, tennis shoes are practically a must if one is going museum hopping!  I so don't understand those folks who can wear heels all day long.  I was talking to one of my bosses yesterday about it actually.  She is so used to wearing heels that it actually hurts her feet to wear flat shoes.  Crazy!  Maybe if I had the desire to wear them all day everyday then my feet would be in the same position.  Oh and this boss I was discussing this with wears the cutest heels!  She had black platform pumps with a little bling of rhinestones on a strap that crossed her foot a bit like a Maryjane would.  Oh and yes she knows that I am transgender, and it was a completely comfortable conversation discussing ladies heels with her.  Funny, huh?

Life Updates:
- Still dealing with my dad's estate.  The house is still for sale and the ex is still most likely going to try and sue me for any personal property of my fathers that she thinks that I stole.  Lovely!
- My time is still stretched quite thin.  Especially with the new puppy back home.  Gosh, trying to be the Alpha Dog is tough! Especially while wearing heels!  Ha-Ha-Ha! Actually I think the heels helps me to feel more bad-ass!
- It is currently the middle of duck season and I have hardly gone at all!  Bummer for me and my freezer!
- What else????  Oh I feel like crap because often the last thing on my daily priority list is my poor blog!  Ugh!  I am so super bummed that I have not been able to keep up with my own expectations.  Alas, such is life.
- Oh and I also feel like crap because I have yet to respond to any of your lovely comments lately.  Such a total bummer!


Love you....

Thanks for being here.....

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Cutting Off My Hair Made Me A Cross Dresser!

No seriously, I really think that it did.  I know, I have discussed a variety of different theories before as to why I am a cross dresser, but really more as of a joke than anything else.  Why do I have gender variances? I believe sincerely that I was born this way.

I do not think that anything that I have experienced in this world has made me into someone who has gender variances.  I do not have a fully developed rational for explaining how or why I was born the way that I was, but nonetheless when I came out of the womb, the die was cast and why I enjoy what I enjoy was set.

Now, don't get me wrong.... while I do think that we are born this way, if one were to choose to fight against their natural inclinations then I think that we as humans are strong enough to allow our free will to determine our existence.  Meaning, even though I think I was born this way, not even that forces me to be this way.  I choose to be this way and I choose to follow my natural inclinations as I do not think there is anything wrong with having been born this way.

Okay... wow.... what an intro.... just to be able to discuss why I think I am a cross dresser.  Too many things need to be prefaced nowadays so that folk don't just automatically jump all over you and cry FOUL!  Whatevs!

Back onto the hair theory......  I am a cross dresser because I cut off my hair.  Many other cross dressers have been so for as long as they can remember.  Many have memories of dressing up in their mom's or sister's clothes when they were super young, but me?  I don't have those memories.  The earliest memory that I have of consciously choosing to wear the other gender's clothing was when I was about 13 or 14 and I took my sister's Guess jean jacket and wore it to middle school.  That was the earliest and even then, it took another 8-10 years for me to actively begin wearing female clothes.

Oh sure, I have always had the gender variances.  I have always been gender non-conforming.  I loved shaving my body.  I loved wearing nail polish.  I loved female jewelry.  Lots of little things like that have been evidenced throughout my entire life, just not the clothing.

Until around the time that I cut off my hair.  Some time around my first or second year of high school I decided to start growing my hair out.  Thus around my third year of high school I had glorious long blond hair, that I loved!  I really did.  I absolutely loved it!  I also loved how folks would often be confused as to what gender I was, when they viewed me from behind.

And so it went.  For many, many years, I had lovely, super awesome, glorious long blond hair!  And it was with great sadness that during the second half of my college time I noticed that my hairline was slowly receding.  Back and back it crawled.  Ever so slowly, ever so insistently, it went back and back, making it clearly evident that I was heading down the path to baldness.

It got to the point that a year after I graduated I realized that I was fighting a loosing battle and my once glorious hair was now looking like I was holding onto some long lost dream.  What was once my crowning glory had now become a sad state of affairs.

With great reluctance and sadness I cut my hair to a reasonable length.  It stayed that way for a year or two before I finally understood that the only way to have my hair look nice again was to shave it off entirely.  Well, okay, not shave, but clip it off entirely.

And while I cannot pinpoint the exact time of me choosing to begin wearing women's clothing, it was sometime around this same time period.  Coincidental?  Possibly.  But the more I think about it the more I realize that I grew my hair out as an expression of my gender and when I cut it off, I lost that very visible, very public expression, and it saddened me greatly.

So.... my theory..... having long hair, which made me appear more feminine.... helped to satiate the desire to appear more feminine in public.... and once that was gone.... I needed a replacement.

So..... um..... yeah..... cutting off my hair made me a cross dresser!

Funny huh?


Monday, November 30, 2015

An Outfit That Shows Off My Butt!

Top - Wrapper - Similar
Belt - Mossimo - Similar

First off, I hope you all had a wondrous Thanksgiving, if you actually celebrate that day!  Jules and I had a good day.  We stayed home and cooked all day long!  It is kind of crazy because we rarely have anyone over, but we always cook the entire meal just for the two of us.  So generally we cook all day, then stuff ourselves silly.  Isn't that what Thanksgiving is about?  Stuffing yourselves silly?

Anywho.... The day after Thanksgiving we had our good friends Vivian and Edward come over for dinner, game laying, and generally hanging out.  Since they were the ones who suggested that I buy Seven For All Mankind jeans, I thought I would show off my awesome skinny jeans for the two of them.  It is rare that I wear jeans with a top that actually shows off my bum enough, but on this occasion I did.  And if I say so myself, it looked cute!

This outfit really does show off how skinny I actually am.  With the skinny jeans and the tight fitting top that lands right at the top of the jeans, it really lets you clearly see my body.  I don't have the shapeliness that I would really prefer out of my body, but I do have a cute butt and it was clearly visible!  Are you getting the impression that folks could actually see my butt, and that I LIKED that?  Well good, because it is so!  I mean otherwise why wear such tight fitting jeans?  Isn't that the main purpose of jeans like that?  I think so!
For those who say I don't show my
eyes off enough!

I also like this top.  It is a favorite that I picked up and a 2nd hand store.  I really like it because it is quite different in it's asymetrical cut.  It is also black with white polka dots, which you know I love!  The other thing is that it has a nice V neckline that shows off my cleavage.

Hmm.... can you tell that I like to flirt a bit with my friends?  Well I do!  It is all in good fun and Jules totally approves.  Which is nice huh?  Yeah the four of us are quite comfortable with each other.  Which is super nice!

Okay.  Gotta run.

Love you!

Flirt more (with spousal approval!)

Monday, November 23, 2015

A Summer Outfit

Sweater - 69th & Madison - Similar
Top - Guess - Similar
Skirt - H & M - Similar
Belt - WHBM - Similar
Shoes - ???? - Similar

This is an outfit that I wore some time back when it was actually hot out, but being as I never posted it up and I like it, I thought that I'd revisit it.

One of the things that I really like about this outfit is that it is one that I put together out of items that I have owned for awhile.  This may not sound like all that big of a deal for many, but for me it kind of is.  My wardrobe is finally at a point where to create new outfits I can pick and choose from a variety of items that I currently own and I actually like!

For a little bit now I have been wondering if one of the things that I enjoy about cross dressing is purchasing new things.  There is such a thrill in buying new items and trying them on that I was a little worried for a bit if I am just sort of addicted to shopping.  Many times I have bought something, worn it once, never revisited it again, and then gone out and bought new things.  That is not a very good pattern if one is wanting to not spend oodles of cash!

But.... as of the past year or so I have noticed that my desire to purchase new things has faded a bit and I am actually interested in wearing the clothes that I currently own! Wow, revelatory huh? Maybe not so much, but still kind of exciting to me.

Why you ask?  Well I think it is because I have finally gotten to a point that I actually own a wardrobe that I finally reflects a bit of my actual style.  Meaning, instead of just owning a bunch of items that I purchased in the female section of the store, I think my clothing currently actually reflects me, who I am, and my own personal sense of style!

So.... that's cool for me!

Love you!

Love your clothes.

Develop your own style!

Friday, November 20, 2015

I Finally Figured it Out!

While driving up to Northern California to retrieve my puppy from hunt school it finally occurred to me why I am a cross dresser - the show Bosom Buddies conditioned me into believing that cross dressing was not only acceptable, it was actually fun!

Uhh..... yeah.... totally kidding folks!  But I did like that show.  I remember watching it and thinking it was funny, but never thinking, hmm..... I should try dressing up as a woman!  Nope, not once.

This thought over the past day or so has made me reflect again though on all of the various theories that people come up with to explain why a male born child would have female tendencies, likes, dislikes, etc.  (Or however you want to describe it!)

There were SO many things while growing up that one could point to and say, see, see, this is why you do it!  If you did not have this influence in your life then you would have grown up and become a "normal" man who enjoys "normal" male things.

If you:
- had a dad who cared more about you than he did his job
- didn't have to shave your legs for swim team
- didn't have an older sister who liked to play fun games with you
- didn't have a mother who was kind and caring and kept you safe
- weren't molested as a child
- did not have access to Barbies to play with as a child
- had better "boy" friends in your neighborhood
- did not have a girlfriend paint your fingernails when you were twelve
- ??????????????

If only I did not or did have ________ then, THEN I would have grown up to be normal!  So.... to all of you parents out there, protect your children.  Make sure that you only allow them access to the safe and recommended and appropriately gendered items for your son or daughter.  Otherwise then they may not grow up to be "normal."

But I doubt it.

I highly doubt that we have that much influence over our own internal biologic natures.

Besides, who wants to be "normal?"

Have you seen what "normal" looks like nowadays?


Love you!

Be abnormal!

photo credit:

Monday, November 16, 2015

Like a Machine

Many years ago I was debating if I should buy an X-box.  Jules kind of insisted that I go for it.  When I questioned her as to why she told me that she rarely sees me sit down and just relax and do nothing and so that maybe by having an X-box I would actually sit down occasionally!  Funny.  I did buy the X-box, but I could not tell you the last time I actually played on the darn thing!

Funny.  Ha. Ha. Ha.

Anywho..... I have been running around like a crazed person again as of late.  My project list gets one thing crossed off and about five more things added onto it!  Ugh!

There are a few things I wanted to toss out into the cyber-sphere for you all.

1 - Last week I developed a wicked sinus infection.  The entire left side of my face was inflamed, but mostly in was my law jaw and my teeth that hurt so bad I had visions of ripping it off of my face.  Wow, now that is a crazy visual!  I began by treating it at home with the various OTC meds I have to keep my chronic sinus infections in check.  By Friday, I knew it was not working.  I had to go see a doctor.  Unfortunately where I live it is not that easy to find an urgent care facility.  I did a Google search and I came back with an innovative option, Plush Care.  They are an online medical facility.  I had never tried something like this before.  I threw caution to the wind an got an appointment with a doctor for a few hours later.  We were going to try a video chat, which didn't work, but then the doctor called me on my phone.  Within a few minutes she had diagnosed me and sent me down to my local pharmacy where I received some super antibiotics and I was on my way.  It was SUPER convenient!  I highly recommend this service.  Check it out for sure!

2 - I had a post go up on one of my favorite blogs, Already Pretty.  It came out over a week ago, but I really like it and I think you should go check it out.

3 - I also had a recent post go up on, Sister House.  I like the pictures that I used on that article.  I think it shows a really neat progression of my style.

Okay that is it.

Maybe one of these days I will figure out how to turn my internal machine down to a lower level and maybe get a bit of peace and tranquility.  Hmmm..... maybe not!

Love you!


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Tend Skin vs. PFB Vanish


I have been shaving my body off and on pretty much since I started to develop body hair.  From about age eight to sixteen I was a year round competitive swimmer.  When you begin to get into the really competitive swim meets you are instructed by your coaches to shave your body.  It has been shown to reduce your time by maybe a few parts of a second.  Which in swimming can mean the world!

Anywho.... ever since I started shaving, I have been experiencing various shaving maladies.  From red little shaving bumps to full on nasty looking giant volcano sized in-grown hairs.  It has always been especially bad in three different areas.  1 - my inner thighs (possibly the worst area,) 2 - the back of my thighs, and 3 - from my pubic hair to my belly button.

Certain things will help, like shaving with the grain, only shaving like every three or so days, sloughing with a scrub while in the shower, but none of those things ever completely eliminated the problems I have been having.  And this covers about thirty years.

So... for the last six months or so, I have been trying a proactive approach.  It used to be that I would only deal with the red bumps or the in-growns once they arrived.  Now I am trying chemical warfare against them, prior to ever even getting them.

The two products I have tried are PFB-Vanish and Tend Skin.

I started with PFB-Vanish and found it to work wonderfully.  I apply it once a day to the three most affected areas on my body.  After a few weeks, the bumps and in-growns receded and never really redeveloped.  I also noticed that my skin was less prone to razor burn as well, I have begun to shave against the grain with very nice results.  I still do not shave every day, maybe at most a couple of times per week.  But if I ever do get any sign of in-growns, they are generally gone within a day or two and never develop into the volcanoes that I used to get.

PFB-Vanish can come in two sizes.  One of them is smaller and has a roller ball bottle from which you apply the solution.  The last time I ordered it I got the larger bottle that does not have the roller ball and I just pour a bit into my hands and rub it onto my legs and belly.

Several of my readers suggested that I try Tend Skin as it is generally more economical and a bit easier to apply as it is a thinner consistency than PFB-Vanish.  You apply Tend Skin to a cotton ball and then apply it to your body.  I only lasted about two weeks while testing it before I chose to switch back to PFB-Vannish.  I developed in-growns again and I was again developing issues with razor burn.  My wife however likes Tend Skin better than PFB-Vanish.  She tends to develop small bumps on her butt and Tend Skin applied nightly has totally removed them for her.

Both PFB-Vanish and Tend Skin have a very strong odor of rubbing alcohol.  While it is a bit strong, I do not mind the smell and it tends to disappear rather quickly.  Though I did once try the PFB-Vanish with Chromabrite and I hated the smell!  They must have included some sort of perfume in the formula and I did not like the smell at all.  It does not dissipate and it left me smelling as though I had applied perfume.

So..... in the end.... I will stick with PFB-Vanish and my wife will stick with Tend Skin.  What I see is that PFB-Vanish is a stronger formula, which is good for my thicker skin and Tend Skin is a weaker mix which is better for my wife's more delicate skin.

What about you?  Do you have other products you user to help relieve the irritation from shaving?  Please share, as I would love to give it a whirl and try it out!


Love you!

Love your skin!

Monday, November 9, 2015

What I Wore Yesterday

Sweater - 69th & Madison - Similar
Tunic - WHBM - Similar
Belt - ???? - Similar

Things are finally getting a bit chilly around here!  Yay!  I am SO tired of the super heat.  Oh and as well, they are predicting a super El Nino event here in California.  Which, if you don't know, means we may finally get a bit of rain.  Unfortunately is does not necessarily indicate a change for our drought conditions.  Most of California's water supply comes in the form of melting snow and while we are predicted to get more rain, it also predicts warmer storms and thus not as much snow.

Wow, how totally riveting!  A fashion blog discussing hydrology in California!

Anywho..... Jules and I went to go get our nails done today.

I had seen a cool design on Pinterest that was similar to this one, but I totally forgot to pin it and I couldn't find it again.  Oh well.  Thus I came up with this design all on my own.  Pretty fun huh?  It is interesting how flashy just simple black and white can be.

I enjoy wearing these jeans while I get my nails done as they are super stretchy and I can roll them up while getting a pedicure.  Plus with the cooler weather, they are quite a bit warmer than wearing a skirt.

Did you notice the cool new belt I am wearing?  Jules found it for me the last time we visited a DSW.  She found it in the discount area and I totally love it.  It is reversible.  How convenient.  One side is this goldish silvery color and the other side is black.  I totally love it!

Okay.  Gotta run!

Love you!

Love yourself!

I'm trying!

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I Thought You Were A Dandy Fellow

Unfortunately due to the unpopularity and controversy surrounding my gender variances I do not feel comfortable revealing what I am actually employed in doing, which sucks when you think about it!  Anywho.... I work with a large and varied clientele and there are also many different levels of workers at my job.  I am somewhat higher up in the ranks due primarily to my education level and the amount of experience I have in my field.

I also am a bit different than the other workers.  Obviously!  I mean if you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I present in a very gender non-conforming manner.  Some may say that it is an androgynous presentation, but I take that to mean that people are confused as to my gender.  Nope, they are not.  Everyone takes me to be a male, but a male that clearly does things that other males do not do.  Thus, I prefer the phrase gender non-conforming, as opposed to androgynous.
Okay... maybe a bit long of an intro, but I wanted to try and intro the scene first.

I walked out of my office one day and an older gentleman who I have worked around for several years approached me.  I live in a very rural community surrounded mostly by farmers and ranchers.  While this gentleman works at my job site and is many years older than me, he is far lower down the ladder.  I think he used to be a farmer; which would make sense as part of his duties is to upkeep the onsite garden that we have here.

So.... he walks up to me and says "You know when I first met you I thought that you were a dandy kind of fellow, if you know what I mean by that."  Which I did not!  I figured that maybe he was insinuating that he thought that I was gay.  Which I don't care if people think or not, that is their choice.  He continued "Well I figured that with all of your fanciness, you were a real dandy, but I want you to know that I read you wrong, and I think that you are a hard worker, and that you are alright."

I laughed, thanked him, and the two of us walked our separate ways.  While I was a bit unsure of what exactly he meant by thinking that I was a dandy, I knew that he was offering me a sincere complement.  I was not raised on a ranch or a farm, but what I do know about ranchers and farmers is that they respect one thing, hard workers.  So while this older gentleman may have at first been kind of taken aback by many of my gender non-conforming behaviors, through being able to observe the work that I do, I was able to change his opinion of me.  Thus I was able to prove that I deserve his respect, which is HUGE!

And I was proud of myself for being willing to be me and show the world who I am.  And I was proud of him for being willing to observe, reflect, change his opinion, and be open and honest with me about where he was and how he changed his thoughts.

What a refreshing world we live in!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Love others for they are human as well!


Monday, November 2, 2015

A Couple of Dresses I Want

I really want to try out this dress but can't decide if I am going to commit and order it or not.  I am such a try-it-on person that I am often somewhat nervous about testing out internet purchases.  I know many TG folks that the only way they do any shopping is through online sources.  I suppose that personally I am a bit intimidated by online shopping as I don't like having to visit the UPS store for my returns.  I guess I am just lazy!

But seriously, the price of this dress is just begging me to go for it!  I also really like the low cut V in the front.  It looks seriously good for using my cleavage creation techniques with.  The other thing I really like about this dress are the lace arms.  Yay - something that covers my arms, but still gives me a bit of cooling; considering that they are lace.  Hmm.... Interesting.

I also really like this dress.  I am routinely drawn to lace doilies!  So often I pick up items in the store that have lace this way and Jules is always telling me that she does not like to look of grandma's doily.  Well, how about this one honey, it is all doilies!  To the point that it is even in the name of the dress.

Well regardless of Jules' opinion of the doily details, I still really like them.  I wonder if that is a MtF TG person's opinion of lace.  It is SO NOT male, it is almost the epitome of femaleness, at least for me, I wonder if that is what the large draw is.  Hmmm....

Anywho.... obviously I really like the lace throughout the dress, but I also really like the sleeve length.  And come on, that sale price of $23.95.  Hmm... I think I am going to need to whip out that credit card and get me some dresses today!

Okay lovelies, love you!

Love yourself!

Buy things on sale!

Be risky, buy things online!

Crazy talk!

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Happy Halloween

It has been about 30 years since I have dressed as a woman on Halloween, but today I decided to go for it once again.  The first time was back when Jules and I were in high school and having just been dating for a few years.  We decided to throw a party and go as each other.  I enjoyed my evening but never dressed as a woman again for about another twenty years!

Wow, I wish I would have been brave enough back then to admit that I wanted to do it more.  And not just for Halloween.  Ahh well!!

Anywho.... today I decided that I was not simply going to dress as a woman for Halloween, but rather as a female vampire.  Jules and I were contemplating going to a local LGBTQ center for a costume party, but in the end we simply stayed home and watched Stephen King movies.

I was only marginally happy with my resulting outfit.  I thought I had a dress which in the end, I must have already donated to a thrift store, darn!  But why keep a dress only for one holliday.  There are a few things I do like about the costume, such as the teeth.  They are a new item that I got from Dental Distortions.  The earrings and necklace are borrowed from Jules, at her suggestion and I think they worked out nicely as well.

I hope that you all had a wonderful night doing something that made you happy!

Love you!

Bite something!

Friday, October 30, 2015


Undershirt - Next Level

Since I am on a comfort kick lately I thought I would share with you a picture of what I am wearing at this very moment and this is, to me, ultimate comfort! I know, I know, it is a totally horribly crappy photo.  But I decided to take it while I actually am at work, and the only viable location to do so was in a restroom with the only full length mirror available.

Why is this outfit so comfy?  Well, except for my work uniform polo, everything else is female clothing.  It is not blatantly so, but I know it, and that is enough.  And these jeans are so super comfy.  They are possibly the comfiest pair of jeans that I own.  They are a little tight in the thighs, but since they are made of stretchy fabric they are still super comfy.  As well, they are female jeans, but not overly fem.  When I asked Jules what she thought about me wearing them to work, she said "well they are a bit tighter than your normal jeans, but the only way I can tell they are female jeans is that I can actually see your butt."

Which I thought was pretty darn funny!  Considering that my work polo is so long, it covers much of my butt anyway, so who would really know!  And besides, who really cares!  Not me!

And this is actually the second time this week I have worn such an outfit to my job.  And do you know what happened?  Nothing!  Nothing happened, except for that I wore comfortable clothing, and I felt comfortable in my presentation.  Yay!  Good for me!

Now all I need are gender neutral pronouns that everyone else understands then I could be referenced that way and I wouldn't feel weird with folks referring to me as he or she and all would be right with the world for me!

Thanks to everyone for the wonderfully supportive comments and thoughts to my previous post.  It really is not that disruptive to my life, I just want folks to understand that my life is not this peachy, easy, lucky, simple little life where everything is awesome!  So thanks everyone!

Love you!

Love yourself!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015


What does it mean to be comfortable?  I get it when you are talking about things like shoes, or clothes, or temperatures and the like, but when it comes to my gender it becomes much more difficult for me to put into words well.  I write little bits and blurbs and then quickly erase them as they don't seem to capture the essence of what I am feeling.

I have tried talking with cisgender folks about it and they really struggle to understand where I am coming from, but I have also written here many times how I feel about my gender, and the inner confusion and discomfort that I feel and occasionally I still get folks that don't quite understand what it is that I mean.

I suppose that this stems from my observations of others, and my assumptions about how they feel.  Maybe that is a mistake I am making.  Maybe nobody is comfortable with who they are.  Maybe everyone else on the planet questions their gender and considers transition.

Maybe, but I highly doubt it.

I read many other blogs and most of them are not transgender related and none of them ever have any discussions of questioning their gender.  As well, most of the transgender blogs, and chat boards that I frequent most others state that they feel so right when they dress as the opposite gender, that they finally feel "whole."

And for me, I don't.  I don't feel as though all is right with the world and with myself and that I am finally able to relax and just be me.  I wish that I did.  I wish that when I dressed as a woman that I finally felt right.  That I finally felt at peace with myself, that my outsides finally match with my insides.  But I don't.

I have mentioned before that I don't feel comfortable presenting as either gender.  And people have responded by saying that I have a comfortable life, or that I smile very nicely, or that I appear very confident, or that I have an accepting spouse, or that I get out and about all of the time.  Well, yeah all of those things are true, but none of those things mean that I have arrived at some sort of comfort level with my gender.

Like I finally understand, oh I get it, I am a male, or that I dress as a woman and finally feel whole and realize, "oh holy crap, I NEED to transition."  I kind of wish that I could come to that conclusion.  Because then maybe that stupid squirrel would stop running around in my head.

What would it mean to me to be comfortable?  That I would not question on a daily basis whether or not I should just quit doing anything outside of the norm for my gender or if I should just transition and live life as a female.  Pretty much every day of my life I go back and forth, I should just be 100% male or I should try and be as female as possible.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Back and forth.

Every single fucking day!

So how is that comfort?

Even if I live in a nice house?

Even if I smile pretty?

Even if I confidently get out and about?

It is not comfortable mulling this over and over.

Now don't get me wrong.  There are plenty of things I am quite happy about with my life.  I am thrilled that I have been able to achieve some sort of balance in my life.  I am thrilled that I have such an awesomely accepting spouse.  I am confident in my presentation, regardless of how I am dressed.  I have a fine job that gives me lots of freedom in my gender expression.  I have lots and lots and lots and lots.

It is still just this unending unanswerable questioning that runs around in my head that I really wish I could just figure out how to get it to shut up.

Sometimes I feel as though all I am capable of doing is placing a pacifier into its mouth for a little bit before having it spit it out and start crying again.

Sometimes I get tired of being outside my comfort zone.

Sometimes I get tired of learning.

Sometimes I get tired of growing.

Especially when sometimes it feels as though I am growing nowhere.

Love you!

Fight to love yourself!

Even if it is tiring.