Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Camping & What Am I?

Jules and I recently went camping and while we were out relaxing I was pondering what exactly am I.  I don't really need to label myself.  I know what I am, I am me.  And me likes to wear male clothes sometimes and female clothes sometimes and sometimes I like to wear both.  I also like to dress up and look like a man and sometimes I like to dress up and look like a woman.  The vast majority of the time, I am doing something in between.

Like for example while camping.  Here I am pictured below while fishing.

Notice anything?  Yeah, my shorts are a little short for typical guy shorts.  That would be because they are not guy shorts.  They are one of my smallest pairs of female shorts.  They are a super cute pair of cut off Guess shorts.  Also, my fingernails are painted a deep sparkly blue, in a gel polish by the way.  Also, most of the time that I wore something on my feet, I wore a pair of Guess flip-flops.

I suppose this is no big deal while I am out fishing on the river, in a place that I might as well be naked, which I often times was.  But we often ran out of supplies, like ice, and had to go to the nearby town and replenish.  While there I generally wore, these short Guess shorts, my Guess flip flops, and some regular dude T-shirt.  Nobody said anything, but I can only assume that people looked at me oddly, though I have tried to give up trying to figure out if people are actually looking at me or not.  I just go about my business and get whatever I need and if people need to look at me, then that is their choice.

I don't care about what others think of me, but I am somewhat concerned with what I think of myself.  I am fine with what I choose to do and wear, but I am still somewhat concerned with what to call myself.

I generally refer to myself as a transvestite, the word I learned while growing up for what I do, a male that dresses like a girl.  I also frequently refer to myself as a cross dresser, meaning the same as the former.
I don't have a problem with these labels, but I don't like how disparaging some people are with those that self identify this way.  I especially don't like how those that identify as transgender, or the old school word of transsexual, somehow think that cross dressers are somehow not worthy of the trans prefix.  That somehow, if we don't all want to entirely change our gender we are somehow not a real "trans" person.

I have pondered this question for quite some time.  What am I?  I know that this question has concerned my wife, especially since I told her that I wanted to go out in public dressed as a woman.  This started her off on some research, most of which told her that eventually I would want to be a woman full time.  This scared the crap out of her and really frightened her from being willing to be supportive of any of my gender ponderings.

So again, what am I?

Here is my definition -
1 - I like being a man.  I enjoy being in shape, in having a muscular, well toned, sexy male body.  I enjoy having the plumbing I have and I enjoy using it.
2 - I like being a woman.  I like wearing clothes that make me appear more feminine.  I enjoy having sex in ways that may not be traditionally considered to be masculine.
3 - I like presenting as a mix of genders.  I frequently have my nails painted and wear obviously female rings as well as wearing a variety of female and male clothes together.
4 - I see myself as existing somewhere in between the extremes of male and female.

What I don't have is a word that accurately describes me.  Tell people I am a cross dresser or transvestite and people look down on me, because I am not really trans because I will remain physically a male forever.  Tell people I am transgender and people think that I will eventually become a woman.

Here is my assertion, people that want to change from one gender to another, are not really trans anything.  What are they?  They are the opposite gender from what they are born as.  Once they transition, their gender limbo is done.  They were born one way, they knew it was wrong, so they fixed their problem.  This is evidenced by the vast number of sex change people who want support from the trans community in their transition and then once they transition, they then abandon those that offered support.  They no longer want to be part of the trans community because they are not actually trans.

I think that those of us that are like what I described in the previous paragraph, you are not technically trans anything, you are either one gender or the other.  What is a trans person?  They are someone like me, someone who lives in between the gender extremes.  We are the ones that span the gap between male and female.  Our gender flux will never be solved.

Why does my wife never need to worry about me becoming a woman full time?  While I would love to experience life as a head to toe, genetic woman, for me to medically modify myself would be a waste of time, as I would still be a cross dresser.  Only then I would be dressing as a male, while my genitals identify me as a female.  Instead of strapping on breasts, I would be wearing ace bandages across my breasts to flatten them in an attempt to appear more masculine.

I am a cross dresser, I am a transvestite, I am transgender.  Stop trivializing me by saying that all I am is a man in a dress.  Stop sexualizing me by saying that I only do this to get a hard on.  Stop insisting that one day I will trade in my penis for a vagina.

I am what I am. I am me. And I like me.

Oh btw, during our camping trip, I was so impressed with Jules.  Out of the blue, she decided to capture crayfish and then cook them for us.  Wow!  What an impressive woman.  Why you ask, her willingness to explore the world before her and trust that I will come along for the ride!

Oh, for my first time ever in eating crayfish, they were pretty tasty.  I was impressed, they were just like mini lobsters.

Love ya!


  1. While searching for who I was as a child then youth then adult, it was those labels that dragged me down and made sure I wasn't going to tell anyone how I felt, or what I wanted. Every label that described one part of me also had so many parts that were not me. Those labels seemed designed to make me hate myself for who I was, so much it made me struggle to become something I should never have become.

    Great post Nadine! The beautiful complexities you permit yourself and the joy you have found in expressing them requires only one label: You are Nadine!

    And on the topic of things unique, while crayfish seems like a lot of work for small return, it is something that now I may try if the opportunity comes. Good for Jules! :-)

    1. Those labels seemed designed to make me hate myself for who I was, so much it made me struggle to become something I should never have become. - Wow, what a powerful line. Its so sad that is how labels made you feel and I suspect that is how they have made many of us feel.

      Thanks for the complement on the post and what a great label for me - Nadine, how cute!

  2. Oh yes, living in the middle of things can get confusing. Since we span the middle of the extremes there are so many people that represent their gender in so many different ways, that it's hard to use terms to describe who an individual is.

    I sometimes have issues using the term cross dresser because of how it's represented in sites like Flickr and Tumblr (hypersexed to the max). But after spending time thinking about it, I get tired of the whole issue and come to the same conclusion you have, I am me, and those around me who are close, and interested, will get to know what that means to me.

    By the way, it's so cool you and Jules found some crawfish to try. Good stuff.


    1. Oh my Katie, you are so right about cross dressers on the internet. I performed many, many, searches before starting this blog and was quite grossed out by the results that I found. Everywhere I looked I found way hypersexed pages on cross dressers. It was quite depressing. That is part of why I started this blog actually, to try and put forth a different image of what I think a cross dresser is.

      And also, so true about how confusing living in the middle of things can be. Sometimes I think we need about a hundred different words to even come close to describing all of the variations on the gender spectrum. Ah how lacking the English language can be.


  3. Honey I know you have considered this issue of labels for some tine now and I am so proud of the conclusions you have come to. You are you with no label needed. No matter what clothes you put on your body, you are always you, the person I have loved for many years, love now, and will love 'til I die.

    1. Thank you bunny-roo. That is so super sweet.


  4. awesome post! i enjoyed reading it!

  5. Have you heard the term bigender? To me it sounds like if you really wanted a term that one would fit. I do understand though how much labels can suck.

  6. Labels do suck. I would like to say if you are looking for one I would take a guess bigender would fit best. I too struggle with labels. I know the feeling. I am also glad you did make this blog. It is inspiring.

    1. Thanks for your thoughts.

      I may have heard of bigender. That is a decent label I suppose. I don't know if I am looking for one, or if a better one is needed for people like me. What I tend to get pissy over the most is people using labels to think less of other human beings.