Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Camping & What Am I?
Jules and I recently went camping and while we were out relaxing I was pondering what exactly am I. I don't really need to label myself. I know what I am, I am me. And me likes to wear male clothes sometimes and female clothes sometimes and sometimes I like to wear both. I also like to dress up and look like a man and sometimes I like to dress up and look like a woman. The vast majority of the time, I am doing something in between.
Like for example while camping. Here I am pictured below while fishing.
Notice anything? Yeah, my shorts are a little short for typical guy shorts. That would be because they are not guy shorts. They are one of my smallest pairs of female shorts. They are a super cute pair of cut off Guess shorts. Also, my fingernails are painted a deep sparkly blue, in a gel polish by the way. Also, most of the time that I wore something on my feet, I wore a pair of Guess flip-flops.
I suppose this is no big deal while I am out fishing on the river, in a place that I might as well be naked, which I often times was. But we often ran out of supplies, like ice, and had to go to the nearby town and replenish. While there I generally wore, these short Guess shorts, my Guess flip flops, and some regular dude T-shirt. Nobody said anything, but I can only assume that people looked at me oddly, though I have tried to give up trying to figure out if people are actually looking at me or not. I just go about my business and get whatever I need and if people need to look at me, then that is their choice.
I don't care about what others think of me, but I am somewhat concerned with what I think of myself. I am fine with what I choose to do and wear, but I am still somewhat concerned with what to call myself.
I generally refer to myself as a transvestite, the word I learned while growing up for what I do, a male that dresses like a girl. I also frequently refer to myself as a cross dresser, meaning the same as the former.
I don't have a problem with these labels, but I don't like how disparaging some people are with those that self identify this way. I especially don't like how those that identify as transgender, or the old school word of transsexual, somehow think that cross dressers are somehow not worthy of the trans prefix. That somehow, if we don't all want to entirely change our gender we are somehow not a real "trans" person.
I have pondered this question for quite some time. What am I? I know that this question has concerned my wife, especially since I told her that I wanted to go out in public dressed as a woman. This started her off on some research, most of which told her that eventually I would want to be a woman full time. This scared the crap out of her and really frightened her from being willing to be supportive of any of my gender ponderings.
So again, what am I?
Here is my definition -
1 - I like being a man. I enjoy being in shape, in having a muscular, well toned, sexy male body. I enjoy having the plumbing I have and I enjoy using it.
2 - I like being a woman. I like wearing clothes that make me appear more feminine. I enjoy having sex in ways that may not be traditionally considered to be masculine.
3 - I like presenting as a mix of genders. I frequently have my nails painted and wear obviously female rings as well as wearing a variety of female and male clothes together.
4 - I see myself as existing somewhere in between the extremes of male and female.
What I don't have is a word that accurately describes me. Tell people I am a cross dresser or transvestite and people look down on me, because I am not really trans because I will remain physically a male forever. Tell people I am transgender and people think that I will eventually become a woman.
Here is my assertion, people that want to change from one gender to another, are not really trans anything. What are they? They are the opposite gender from what they are born as. Once they transition, their gender limbo is done. They were born one way, they knew it was wrong, so they fixed their problem. This is evidenced by the vast number of sex change people who want support from the trans community in their transition and then once they transition, they then abandon those that offered support. They no longer want to be part of the trans community because they are not actually trans.
I think that those of us that are like what I described in the previous paragraph, you are not technically trans anything, you are either one gender or the other. What is a trans person? They are someone like me, someone who lives in between the gender extremes. We are the ones that span the gap between male and female. Our gender flux will never be solved.
Why does my wife never need to worry about me becoming a woman full time? While I would love to experience life as a head to toe, genetic woman, for me to medically modify myself would be a waste of time, as I would still be a cross dresser. Only then I would be dressing as a male, while my genitals identify me as a female. Instead of strapping on breasts, I would be wearing ace bandages across my breasts to flatten them in an attempt to appear more masculine.
I am a cross dresser, I am a transvestite, I am transgender. Stop trivializing me by saying that all I am is a man in a dress. Stop sexualizing me by saying that I only do this to get a hard on. Stop insisting that one day I will trade in my penis for a vagina.
I am what I am. I am me. And I like me.
Oh btw, during our camping trip, I was so impressed with Jules. Out of the blue, she decided to capture crayfish and then cook them for us. Wow! What an impressive woman. Why you ask, her willingness to explore the world before her and trust that I will come along for the ride!