Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Redo of Yesterdays Outfit Post

Knit Top - No idea who made it - thrifted
Striped Top - Mosimo
Pants - Guess
Booties - Nine West

Do you like to be pushed off a cliff?  I don't think most people do.  I think I do.  Well at least that is how it feels.  It feels as though if I push myself, I am pushing myself off of a cliff that foretells no chance of survival.  How silly we humans often are.  I am often reminded of a scene from The Matrix:

Boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Boy: Then you'll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself. 

Such wise movie wisdom.  Oftentimes in trying to realize the truth, my body reacts as though I am being pushed off of a cliff.  When in reality there is no cliff, it is simply a systems of beliefs that I have forced upon myself.  

So, do I like being pushed?  Yes.  And what I strive to do is to push myself before anyone else has the chance.

Okay, so another thing.  Headless photos.  Yes I have many of them.  Today I have redone my outfit post from yesterday, due to caring Leslie Ann.  Thank you Leslie Ann.  I appreciate the shove.

A big problem I have with most of my photos is, do I look happy?  I should be.  I should be thrilled.  And quite honestly I feel stupid for even mentioning it, but I am not happy.  Why, you ask?  Difficulties with my wife.  Difficulties with the wife you say?  Yes, difficulties.  Until yesterday I have been unable to properly label it, but my wife suffers from dysthymia.  Heard of it?  I had not until yesterday.  Then while reading about it, it was reading about the woman I have lived with for 26 years.

I know that complaining about my wife in any way is like a slap in the face to many of you.  Yes I have read many of your blogs.  Yes I have read, and cried, over how many of your wives have treated many of you.  And yes I have looked at and appreciated how my wife has handled my cross dressing.  But none of that negates the issue of her living with dysthymia, and thus me having to try and coexist with someone in the state.  See, she has never been willing to accept  that something other than us not getting along was happening.  But for 26 years I have insisted that something else has been happening.  Well, guess what?  I was right.  Go figure!

Dysthymia.  I have a feeling that many CD's are bearers of this insidious condition.  I have a feeling that many humans deal with this as well.

Okay.  On that, I've gotta run.  Love you.  Love yourself.  Love life.  


  1. Nadine,
    My mom suffered with it, as well as mild schizophrenia. I was her "counselor" from high school until she passed away when I was 40. So I can definitely "feel your pain".

    As far as many CD's having it, that would be a definite possibility. It's a major "downer" to be told by society that what you're doing is wrong.

    I hope that things can go better soon with you and your wife. I hate to see anyone suffer with such a chronic condition, particularly when it affects others.

    1. I am sorry to hear that Marie. That had to be hard to have to help your mom through that.

      I think that things will get better. Little did I know, I am actually an optimist.


  2. Was it really a complaint, or perhaps a piece of the puzzle. CDing isn't always the real heart of the issues we have in our marriage. In my case the real problem has always been my insistance on trying to 'make my wife happy'. Having realized that being unhappy because you are unable to make another happy is a way too convoluted way to be screwed up in a world filled with really good reasons to be screwed up.

    Thank for giving a name to the pain I used to refer to as 'half empty' syndrome.

    Prediction: You will smile and we'll get to see it!

    Love back Nadine!

  3. I think that it is possible that being a CD serves as a foundation for some dysthymia for both the CD and his spouse. I am also an optomist. I see the glass as half full. I feel as if I can crash through almost any wall and when knocked down I can pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. I do remain concerned with being CD.

    My wife is more fragile. Things impact her physical and mental well being. If I go out while dressed she stays home fretting the entire time. She fears fear itself and her mind can conjour up every conceivable and inconceivable thing that can go wrong and then plays out ALL of the potential dire consequences.

    I would not be surprised if my wonderful wife has some element of dysthymia. I would not be surprised if her dealing with having a CD husband were a component of what brings her down.

    An excellent post.

    1. Thank you Pat.

      I am not a psychologist be any means, but I can tell you what has generally happened between my wife and I. The episodes between my wife and I are able to be classified as a double depression episode. The dysthymia already exists and then we have a problem which leads to the double depression. The person with dysthymia does not realize they have a problem and thinks the only problem is actually the secondary problem. Anything could be the secondary problem, a tough day at work, a fight with a spouse, living with a CDer. But if the sufferer does not deal with the dysthymia then the root of the problem will never be solved.

      I have always been someone who has done things differently than others around me. Frequently people around me have responded by telling me that I am stressing them out by doing what I do. Personally I don’t put much weight in their arguments. I get that what I do is stressful to them, but I am not harming them or anyone else, their stress tends to be created within themselves and I don’t feel as though I need to be responsible for what they think. Things that I am referencing are things like, getting my ear pierced while in high school, or choosing to wear certain colors while in school, listening to music that is different than my friends. These are all very benign things that I have done that people have told me I need to be aware and thoughtful that it bothers them. Honestly, I don’t think I do. I think people need to deal with their own internal things and work hard to be nice to others. It’s not mean of me to want my fingernails painted, or have both of my ears pierced, or to even dress up as a girl and go about my business.

      Honestly for me, if it would make my wife feel good about herself, she could shave her head, or dye it bright pink, or dress up as a guy, or wear crazy makeup or no makeup. I love her and want her to be happy and I will stand by her side as long as she does not think that I am the root cause of her difficulties in life.

  4. Thanks for the kind words, Nadine. Happy to provide a shove. People are always telling me to shove it, now I know what to do with that. Guess you'll just have to keep your expression in mind now when you pose.

    I suspect that I might have dysthymia (cool word, love those Greeks!). I have always used the archaic word melancholia, which is more evocative and musical, no? Dysthymia sounds like a condition, so I may start using that.

    Good post. Nice to get more personal insight from you.

  5. I think that all of us want to be happy and what makes us happy is to see those that we love happy. To this day there is nothing so wonderful as to see a genuine smile on my wife's wonderful face. I feel the same about my sons.
    I agree that it is perfectly fine with me for her to do whatever it may be that she likes if it makes her smile.