Monday, August 13, 2012

Never Divorced but Married Twice

Wedding day 2005

Today is the 7th anniversary of when my wife married me as Nadine.   It was a completely symbolic thing mind you, but it was still very beautiful and highly remembered by both of us.  At the time that it occurred, our actual marriage seemed ready to fall apart. 

Jules and I have always deeply loved each other but have also always had a very difficult time of getting along.   Maybe you are familiar with the Eminem lyrics:

“maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano”
-Eminem – Love The Way You Lie

That is a fairly good description of our relationship.  Actually have you ever heard the whole song?  If you have, the whole thing gives a pretty good picture of Jules and me.

Maybe a brief overview of our relationship up to this point would be good.  Jules and I first met when we were about 8 or 9 years old.  We swam on the same team.  We began to date when we were fifteen.  We got married at 25 and are still together now at 40.  It is honestly amazing to the both of us that we are still together.  We both agree that it has been the best and yet the hardest thing we have ever done.

We have both been highly emotional and very passionate about our beliefs.  It generally seems as though neither one of us is ever interested in backing down and changing our opinions.  Possibly the one thing that has saved us is our abilities to be highly vocal about our stances.  To be honest, it has probably kept us together but all of our neighbors have probably hated us as they get to participate in our arguments also as we are very loudly vocal.

The summer that Jules and I remarried each other we had been have some real knock down drag out fights.  If you don’t know already my basic life philosophy is to face my fears and Jules’ philosophy is to act like she does not have any fears.   From my perspective, if you face your fears you can watch and laugh as they dissipate before your eyes.  It takes that leap of faith.  Jules has always had a difficult time with that leap.  This has often left a giant chasm between us and many times it almost ruined us.

And so it was in the summer of 2005 that I found myself wishing desperately for Jules to come to me and try and save our marriage by asking me to marry her as Nadine.  I felt as though it was important for Jules to marry all of me, at least in a symbolic gesture of full acceptance of me.  I still wish that I could say that she came to me and in a very heartfelt manner asked me to marry her.

But alas, that is not our reality.  Reality is that I insisted that she do it if she was interested in trying to save our marriage.  I am very thankful that she did do it.  I love her all the more because she was willing to do it.
I had foolishly hoped though that it would immediately change our lives for the better.  Over the last seven years our difficulties have continued but in reflection that year, 2005, was in many ways the worst that things ever were for us.

Since that time things have progressively gotten better and better for us.  Recently, as in the past few months, I have really had a change in heart over how I deal with Jules.  What I try my best now to realize is that I am a highly insecure person and I wish that I had her there always supporting me.  This has caused a great deal of anger within me and I have always tried to use that anger as a weapon to get my way.  It is true that in many ways the way that I have handled myself has brought both of us to this point in our lives, but I can’t help but think that it would have gotten here a lot sooner if I had been different. 

I am the only person that I can force to do anything.

Have you heard the quote:
A person changed against their will
Is of the same opinion still

Very true people.  At least for me.

Love Ya!


  1. This was a beautiful post. Life is not easy and even the best of marriages have tough spots. It is clear that you two are in love but that being separate individuals may not always agree on all things. That is quite normal. The beauty of my marriage is that after almost 40 years I have not been bored. There are always issues. It is a good thing that my wife is not my clone. Staying sharp and engaged, even if there are occasional spats and hard times will help in many ways. It has been said that "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger".


    1. What a wonderful way to look at a marriage, and yes I would to agree that marriage has never been boring. Many other things, but never boring!

  2. What a lovely story! I can't see anything similar happening for me, of course. You were so brave to request something so outlandish. Very few women out there would even consider such a thing. You're a lucky girl. Making your own luck, naturally...

    1. I agree Leslie, on making my own luck that is. I do find it strange that it does appear so odd to ask people to accept who we are so completely. I actually find it sad that we have to ask others to do this, shouldn't they just do it as a matter of course? Ahh... Now I'm talking pure fantasy.