Monday, March 19, 2012

Out and About for the First Time

Hollywood Blvd. for some reason is where I thought I would go out dressed as a woman for the first time.  It is kind of odd to write about it now as it occurred quite some time ago.  It was long enough ago that I don't actually remember when it was but I do remember quite a bit about it. 

I remember part of what I wore.  It was a long purple peasant skirt.  Some sort of heels.  I don't remember at all what I wore for my top.  I remember the wig I wore.  It was one with long brown straight hair, not particularly flattering compared to what I now wear.

I remember going into some stores and looking at some clothes.  I remember a very nice sales lady commenting on my pretty skirt and that she was jealous that she couldn't pull off the look.  I was so petrified that I couldn't even respond to her.  I still feel bad about that.  At the time I was embarrassed about my voice and everything else.  I think I was still very concerned about passing as a real woman and really was not comfortable at all with being a man dressed as a woman.  And being that paranoid about passing is what made me come off as weird.

I also remember in some store, a small child staring at me as  I browsed the clothes.  It made me pretty uncomfortable.  It felt as though the child was seeing right through my disguise.  

One of the other big things I remember is some random woman on the street giving me a very dirty look, as if she was saying "Oh my god you have to be kidding me, are you even serious right now?"

It's interesting looking back on the experience and rethinking what I thought at the time.  My views were very skewed back then.  The thing I really put it down to is my concern with passing, and at the same time my unconcern with passing.

Sounds strange huh?  Well on the one hand, I was so concerned with passing that I acted strangely and unfriendly with people around me.  I also thought things about what others were thinking about me, and it made me angry at them for judging me.  But it was only my own thoughts transposed onto them and thus in the end it was really just me making myself angry and using and abusing people around me by placing it upon them. 

While on the other hand I wasn't concerned with passing enough to be concerned with what an actual woman would wear while shopping on Hollywood Blvd. and thus  I stuck out from the crowd not because I am a crossdresser but because of what I chose to wear for that time/place/occasion.

Hmm... Interesting stuff.  There were lots and lots of things associated with going out dressed as a woman.  but let's leave it at that for the moment.

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