Friday, March 23, 2012

Out and About for the First Time - Part 2

I think the first time that my wife appeared to be frightened about me being a transvestite was when I told her that I would like to go out in public dressed as a woman.  In hindsight this is when my wife's problems with facing fear became painfully evident.  At the time I was too painfully insecure about myself to really notice what was going on with my wife.  I took every way that she was behaving as a signal to me that I shouldn't be doing what I was interested in doing.  I always looked to her for support but she was unable to support me in my endeavors.  Which was odd to me at the time because before this she had always been very supportive of my crossdressing.  Really what was happening to my wife was just an extension of the life that she began living long before she ever met me.  See my wife is the type of person that can't handle fear.  Fear of any kind.  Where apparently I am the type of person that has chosen to face my fears.

And that is what prompted me to go out dressed as a woman.  Before this point I had dressed as a woman in the privacy of my own house for many years.  Though I don't remember if I had dressed fully as woman for that long before I started pondering going out.  Once I dressed fully, clothes, wig, makeup, I began considering going out as a woman.  I think that at the time, which must have been about 4 years ago or so at least, all that I was really interested in was proving that I could go out as a woman.

Thinking about it from my wife's perspective it had to appear to be pretty odd.  Why exactly would someone want to go out dressed as a woman if not for some purpose that would threaten a marriage?  This would be very concerning for any wife that enjoys her marriage.  The thing was that really I only wanted to go out to prove that I could.

You see, I was terrified to go out dressed as a woman, and that was the reason that I needed to go out dressed as a woman.  Simply because I was afraid of going.  My fear about going out dressed as a woman was making it become bigger than it was.  There is something about many people, myself included, something that I think may actually affect everyone, when we are told that we can't have something it makes it so we want it all the more.  We may never have even wanted it, but when we are told that we can't have it, we desire it with a passion.

Maybe I am wrong about this affecting everyone, but I know that it affects me deeply.  By being afraid of going out dressed as a woman, in some way I was trying to convince myself that it was something that I couldn't have.  By thinking I couldn't, it made it become something illicit and I desired it all the more.  I realized that I began fantasizing about what it might feel like.  How freeing it would be.  And I started thinking about it almost every single day.  I began to wonder if maybe I wasn't just a crossdresser but a woman trapped inside of a man's body.  Why after all would I think about it day after day, daydreaming and fantasizing about going out dressed as  a woman.

I didn't let this go on for very long before I forced myself to go out dressed as a woman.  And now, years later  I can tell you all that by no means am I anything except for your average everyday ordinary crossdresser.  I don't want to be a woman full time.  Honestly it's just too much work.  But I would never know that if I didn't get past my fear about just trying it.  Because I am the type of person who will force himself to do things simply because I am afraid of it.

Now keep in mind I'm only talking about fears in my mind, not things that maybe one should be afraid of like say a saber toothed tiger roaring down upon you.  Fears of the mind are vicious cruel little things. Like I couldn't go out dressed as a woman because:
     - people would laugh at me
     - nobody would accept me as a woman
     - people would be angry with me
     - my clothes would somehow betray me by falling off or flipping up or who knows what
     - someone I know will see me
     - I was too embarrassed
     - my wig would fall off in the wind, in my food, while leaning down
     - someone would try and kick my ass

This is only what I can think of right now.  The point is, at the time I personally didn't know IF any of those things would actually EVER happen.  But I used them to stop myself from just simply trying.  It occurred to me to try and yet I stopped myself by picturing only the worst possible things that might possibly happen.  I just had to try.  I had to.

And now?  Now after years of trying I can tell you how much more intelligent that I am today.  I know not only myself far better than I did before I tried but I also have an appreciation for humanity that I never had before.  I always pictured the worst of humanity and thus only saw the worst.  I made it so that  I didn't like people because I always pictured them as being bad.  Thus far in my journeys I can tell you that after all the years and all the people that I have ever interacted with only one was ever rude to me.  Far more people have been rude to me while dressed as a guy.  In fact while dressed as a girl people have actually gone above and beyond in treating me not just politely but genuinely nicely.  And what I have observed is the more relaxed, and less fearful I have been, the nicer that people are to me.

Face your internal fears and be set free or don't try and hate yourself and humanity.

Be careful, be thoughtful, but be determined to see the best the world has to offer you.

1 comment:

  1. Nadine,

    This was a very well thought out and meaningful blog post. How people deal with their fears is a important subject for everyone but it has particular significance to crossdressers and their wives.
    I tend to think that men and women, as a loose rule, deal differently with their fears. I suspect that the typical male response to fears is to confront them and beat them down. A woman on the other hand may deal with her fears as a long term 'Sword of Damocles', forever hanging there creating a perpetual menace to life as she knows it.

    I suspect that FDR's statement that "We have nothing to fear but fear itself", would resonate differently with men and women. I support the approach of facing fears and fighting through them. That may be a 'guy' approach. Dealing with fears may be one way that men and women are may also be one way being a cross dresser has subtle side benefits.